by Eli and Isaac

There are only two weeks remaining in the 2016 regular season, but there is still so much to play for.  Eli and I have analyzed the current standings, game results (box scores), remaining schedule and other neediness to determine what teams are playing for down the stretch of the season.  Here’s part 2 on the Corlears Park Conference (part 1 on the Tompkins Square Park Conference can be found here).

CORLEARS PARK CONFERENCE

Welcome to The Johnsons Division

 

BUTCHERS (22 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 3rd  
Remaining Division Games: 2 (What The Puck and Cobra Kai)
Remaining Games: 3 (What The Puck, Mega Touch and Cobra Kai)
Potential Wins: 2
What Are They Playing For: The #1 seed overall.  They already clinched the division.
What They Need: To secure the #1 seed, they’ll need to win their three remaining games and have Fuzz and the Rehabs each lose once.  Or they can win twice, have Fuzz and the Rehabs both lose out, and have Fresh Kills lose at least once.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, hubris trips up the Fuzz, the clock strikes midnight on the Rehabs, and Drake (got to love the Drake!) regains her early season scoring form.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose all three remaining games, defensive struggles get worse, Pete misplaces his confidence, and Jimmy ends up being a mid-season fluke.

COBRA KAI (16 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 12th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Gremlins and Butchers)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: To finish second in the division and improve their playoff seeding they’ll need to win both games with Karma losing once or win once with Karma losing both their games.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, the Tompkins Square Park Conference teams struggle – vaulting them into top seven in the league standings – and Liam continues to be a nuisance to opposing offenses.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games, move down in the standings into one of the bottom 8 slots, and Liam and Rachel (the one with the hat — wait, more than one Rachel wears a hat — the one with the Money In the Bank lunchbox?) join Jess’s Fantasy Football league.

INSTANT KARMA (16 pts)

Current Standings: Division -3rd, League – 13th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (What The Puck)
Remaining Games: 2 (What The Puck and Mega Touch)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: The same as Cobra Kai, just switch up the teams.  Two wins with a Cobra Kai loss, or one win with two Cobra Kai losses.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games with Cobra Kai losing both of theirs, move up into the top 12 in the standings, and Chadwick regains last season’s scoring touch.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games as their scoring drought continues, move further down in the standings, Chadwick is Chadwick, and Nina and Hugh run away to McKeeland.

WHAT THE PUCK (10 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 17th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Instant Karma and Gremlins)
Remaining Games: 3 (Butchers, Instant Karma, and Gremlins)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: To remain in the division and opening round seeding.
What They Need: To avoid relegation, a win of any kind against the Gremlins.  That’s it.  Lose to the Gremlins, though, and they’ll need to win their other two games, or win one while the Gremlins lose to Cobra Kai.
Best Case Scenario: They beat the Gremlins, stay in the division, Mike Dudolevitch wins a faceoff, and the East Court is kinder to them than it has been.

Worst Case Scenario: They lose to the Gremlins, move down a division, Camden becomes another team’s mascot, and they have to face the Hookers in the play-in game.

GREMLINS (9 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 18th
Remaining Division Games: 2 (Cobra Kai and What The Puck)
Remaining Games: 2 (see above)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: To remain in their division and opening round seeding.
What They Need: To avoid relegation, a regulation win against What The Puck is necessary.  They’ll also need a win against Cobra Kai and another What The Puck loss or for What The Puck to lose out.
Best Case Scenario: They win out and What The Puck loses an additional game, remain in the division, face a fellow conference member in the opening round, and Ryan and Marie return from Iceland without any rust.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose to What The Puck, move down a division, the dude with the busted foot is unable to return, and they continue to play Walker on defense.

Hi-Fi Division

MEGA TOUCH (18 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 8th
Remaining Division Games: None
Remaining Games: 2 (Butchers and Instant Karma)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, one win or one Poutine Machine loss.
Best Case Scenario: They win once to clinch the division title and Julie celebrates with a candy-fueled bender of epic proportions, improve their playoff seeding, Cheeky is for real, and Tuckman continues to play brilliantly in net.
Worst Case Scenario: Success is uncharted territory for Mega Touch and there’s no telling how they’ll handle it.  However, the worst is familiar to them so we’ll see them again next season in the Hi-Fi Division.

POUTINE MACHINE (15 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 14th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Gut Rot)
Remaining Games: 2 (Gut Rot and Gouging Anklebiters)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: The division title and playoff seeding.
What They Need: To win the division, two wins and two Mega Touch losses (at least one in regulation).  Or a win, an overtime loss, and two Mega Touch losses in regulation.  In other words, we’re pretty sure they hold the head-to-head tiebreaker with Mega Touch.
Best Case Scenario: They win both games and the division title due to Mega unable to handle success, move up into the top 12 in the standings, and get some needed secondary scoring to compliment Mike and Hornswoggle.

Worst Case Scenario: They lose both games, move down in the division and standings, end up facing the Gremlins and angry Jamie in the opening round game, league sweetheart Christina is wooed by another team, and Stevie doesn’t believe in long distance relationships.

DARK RAINBOWS (14 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 15th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Riots)
Remaining Games: 2 (Riots and Hookers)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: In order to avoid the opening round, win both games and get a fair bit of help.  All those points from overtime/shootout losses is going to hurt them if there is a tiebreak that comes down to wins.
Best Case Scenario: They win both games, move up into the top 12 with a lot of losses from teams just above them in the standings, and rediscover their roots with strong defensive play.
Worst Case Scenario: They lose their remaining games, get a bad draw in the opening round, Aaron is lost forever, and Longwell injuries himself by doing something dumb.

TOMPKINS SQUARE RIOTS (13 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 16th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Dark Rainbows)
Remaining Games: 2 (Dark Rainbows and Rehabs)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Playoff seeding.
What They Need: In order to avoid the opening round, with both games and get a lot of help.  They’re in the same situation as Homer Simpson trying to get into the championship softball game on Mr. Burns’ team of major league ringers.  Long odds, but it can be done.
Best Case Scenario: They win their remaining games, squeak into the #12 seed, and the budding broship of Joe and Drew translates into success on the courts.
Worst Case Scenario: They’re in the opening round and well, the loss of Suz has already been hard enough on them.

GUT ROT (BITCHES!) (2 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 5th, League 20th
Remaining Division Games: 1 (Poutine Machine)
Remaining Games: 2 (Poutine Machine and Sky Fighters)
Potential Wins: 1
What Are They Playing For: Bradley of the Rehabs. Yep, you read that right. Part of the Ramirez sign-and-trade deal with the Rehabs promised Bradley as consolation if Gut Rot finished last and the Rehabs won the PBR Cup. Stay tuned.
What They Need: At this point, nothing. We like them just how they are. Competitive and fun on the court and No. 1 in the Party Power Rankings off the court.
Best Case Scenario: Small tweaks on defense and smarter passing carries them to the semifinals, shocking BTSH.
Worst Case Scenario: Welch doesn’t make good on his promise, they lose their off court mojo, find a higher power, and rebrand themselves under the name The Straight Edge Society in 2017.