By Arya Stark

After a long, painful and sometimes depraved four months off, the 2018 season is just about ready to get underway.  In 2017 the Third Division (aka the Katz Division aka the Welcome To The Johnson’s Division aka we really need to just settle on division names and be done with it) featured three of the league’s top six teams in points, multiple top scorers, the rookie of the year and some of the finest shotgunning and group sex this league has ever seen.  Cro and the Hookers are gone but the rest of the division remains along with a new franchise from the francophone region of BTSH.  Who will take the crown this year?  Who will be relegated to D4?  Who will drink the most?  Who will hook up with the most team members?  Answers to some of these and many of life’s other great mysteries below.

Cobra Kai
2017 Record: 13-5-0; 26 points, 5th overall, 2nd in division
2017 Pythagorean Win Expectation (based on goals for/against): 29.45 points
2017 Playoff Finish: Eliminated in the Sweet 16 by Math in a 12/5 upset.
Three Year Aggregate Points: 63 points

What’s Right: Cobra Kai rolled to a surprise 5th place finish and were in pole position in the division for basically the entire year until the final weekend of the season.  Led by LJ, Will, Liam and the ROY selection the shook the world, Campbell, they were a force to be reckoned with until the opening round of the playoffs when they were surprisingly eliminated by the 12th seeded Math.  Now they’ve added Olivier and are loaded up for another run at the division (and league) crown.  The question is, are they the heroes or the villains of their own story?

What’s Wrong: The first round loss to Math was a shocker as this team was a sexy pick to advance to the final four.  Will the memory of last year’s defeat hang heavy on their heads?  If the Cobras start singing, all bets are off.  Also Pete ditched my team in last week’s Frey-W tournament and LJ is still passed out somewhere outside the Liberty Bell.

Projected Finish: 1st in division, 4th overall and a trip to the final four.

2018 Haiku: 
Dojo remains strong
Disagree and you’ll get a
Swift kick to the face

Gremlins
2017 Record: 12-6-0; 24 points, 7th overall, 3rd in division
2017 Pythagorean Win Expectation: 26.92 points
2017 Playoff Finish: Eliminated in the Sweet 16 by Fuzz in a surprising 6-0 smackdown.
Three Year Aggregate Points: 60 points

What’s Right: The Gremlins boast an extremely talented roster.  Erich and Cody are a lock for 10+ goals while Marcella’s coming off a huge rookie year where she finished second in the female scoring race and the Senators actually didn’t suck.  Jamie remains one of the best in the league between the pipes and their roster is filled out with savages like Tim and Alex.

What’s Wrong: The Gremmies went into their playoff matchup against Fuzz a slight underdog with a puncher’s chance at a minor upset.  Instead they got shellacked 6-0 to Glanzer and co.  According to sources there was only a minor amount of drinking before the game which may have actually contributed to their lackluster play.  Rockoff earned one of the league’s inaugural Pharaoh medals of freedom last week by shotgunning a 24 oz tallboy but will need to stop up his threesome game if he’s going to get a playoff win under his belt.

Projected Finish: 2nd in division, 8th overall and a trip to the elite eight.

2018 Haiku: 
Lots of great players
Just make sure you don’t impede
Walker’s playing time

Poutine Machine
2017 Record: 11-5-2; 24 points, 7th overall, 2nd in division
2017 Pythagorean Win Expectation: 24.34 points
2017 Playoff Finish: Beat the Butchers before going down to Filthier in the Quarterfinals.
Three Year Aggregate Points: 54

What’s Right: Poutine was the surprise of the first half of last season, breezing to a 7-2 early season record and a second place spot in the midseason power ranks(even if the author of that piece may have been slightly biased).  They’ve got a solid core in Sully, Mikey, Charizard, JoAnn and like three different goalies on the roster who could start on most teams.  Rumor has it they’ve added one or two rookies this year and are gearing up for another quick start to the season.

What’s Wrong: Poutine is coming off a big season, finishing 7th overall, winning their division and pulling off a first round upset against the Butchers in the sweet 16.  However, they won’t be sneaking up on anybody this year and may also find life in the Katz division to be less friendly than expected, even in light of rumors that team leadership offered to move directly to the Soko division.  Can they pull a repeat of their 2017 season?  And why are their fans so desperate?

Projected Finish: 3rd in division, 10th overall and a trip to the elite eight.

2018 Haiku:
Sully works for the parks
Charlotte gets drunk and destroys them
What awesome teammates

Instant Karma
2017 Record: 5-12-1; 11 points, 16th overall, 4th in division
2017 Pythagorean Win Expectation: 9.44 points
2017 Playoff Finish: Eliminated in a thrilling play-in round OT classic by the Denim Demons.
Three Year Aggregate Points: 42

What’s Right: Last year’s Karma team struggled out of the gate in something of a rebuilding year, eventually finishing in 16th place and earning a home playoff game against the 17th seeded Demons.  They played a very strong match and have added a bunch of upstart rookies to their squad who like hockey, love alcohol but have yet to comment on their preferences towards recreational drugs.  Isaac and Chadwick will no doubt have their squad ready to go by Sunday and half of them writing for the website by June.

What’s Wrong: Karma boasts some of the tallest players in all of BTSH, but unfortunately this isn’t a basketball league and we have strict rules on high sticks and high balls (but thankfully not high people).  Their playoff game against the Demons was a classic; down 2-1 with under a minute left, they pulled Steve and tied the game with under 40 seconds left, sending Karma stadium into an absolute frenzy.  Just 7 seconds from reaching a shootout, however, they were instead sent packing by an OT winner from Zach F.  Strong leadership will be needed to push this team over the hump in 2018.

Projected Finish: 4th in division, 13th overall in points and a trip to the sweet 16 as Karma will notch their first playoff win since giving the Elves a franchise KO-ing loss in 2015.

2018 Haiku: 
Scrappy mix of talent
Will improve on last year’s finish
Isaac is handsome

Denim Demons
2017 Record: 5-13-0; 10 points, 17th overall, 5th in division
2017 Pythagorean Win Expectation: 9 points
2017 Playoff Finish: Won the aforementioned OT classic before getting bounced by the Rehabs 6-0.
Three Year Aggregate Points: 49

What’s Right: The Demons are firmly in the rebuilding phase of their trajectory as a franchise.  No longer just that top division team that everyone loves to hate (aka just hates), the Demons have rebranded themselves as a fun team that may still piss off refs and opponents, but makes bartenders very happy when they hit them up for six hours every Sunday.  They picked up a bunch of free agents at the scrimmage last week and are hoping to avoid the ignominious distinction of potentially being the first franchise to be relegated three straight years (need a Glanzer fact check on this one).

What’s Wrong: The Demons followed up a rousing victory over Karma with a disappointing showing against Cherie, Eric and the eventual runner-up Rehabs.  They’ve added some new players via free agency and Brad’s ice hockey connections, but is a guy with a cardboard cutout decoy wife really someone you want to rely on for talent evaluation?

Projected Finish: 5th in division, 18th overall and a trip to Doublewide.

Haiku: 
They don’t eat shellfish
But are a talented team
Still will get relegated