by Jerome V to the R

The only two things that are certain in these rankings are: that Fresh Kills have come out the gate dominating, and that I may be biased in my ranking.

What else could anyone say about this season other than how exciting it’s been? Those of you relegated to just reading these articles should head over to become a member of the BTSH Hockey Facebook site, because it’s saturated with pictures of the matches (a collaborative effort from Tia and Jamie), lots of hockey talk, and the usual joshing over Fuzz’s Richie. But just as the media has been churning articles for your enjoyment, so have all the teams with their goal scorers! Since my days out at Corlears Hook Park watching drunken hockey players tricycle relaying postgame, BTSH has been producing a diverse yet elite-worthy group of people good enough to take the international stage.  Their style of play has been both witnessed on the court and even livestreamed online.

The methodology for the ranking wasn’t so simple… in fact, I depended a lot on intuition. Also, knowing who’s on the teams and having an organized results table have been extremely helpful. Isaac and I have had quite a few tête-à-têtes both in person and through email that I’d think twice about putting Poutine as the #2 seed. But in the end, I did, and probably to your (the reader’s) consternation. But if you were feeling good about your team, maybe you’d put your team in a good position? Just some thoughts.

Most difficult in this task was setting ranks #9 to #16. Even those teams have very talented personnel—some of whom are on the top scorers’ list—but a winning or losing streak could set themselves up for success or failure in the following weeks, which is why I’ve set up a trend predictor to determine a team’s direction. If you’re on a team in a downtrend: have patience and optimism! If you’re on a team with an uptrend or in a high position: I hope your teammates show up and keep the team on pace because we’ve a long summer!

With all that written… maybe some of you have taken these rankings seriously. Maybe there’s a fire burning inside of you so much that you’re on your way to Tompkins already, or climbing up the Rocky Steps after your three-egg yolk juice, or probably having your choice words for me at the ready. There’s no need to do any of those things (except, maybe keep that fire!), but hell, I won’t stop you. I’ll see y’all swole selves on Sunday.

And.  Here.  We.  Go!

1. Fresh Kills
The obvious choice.  They are making the unprecedented push of being the Golden State Warriors of BTSH.
Trending: Elite

2. Poutine Machine
Making a bullish statement.  Their current 7-2 is the kind of pushback Sven would love to see in person since his departure.
Trending: Overachieving

3. Rehabs
Title holders still have what it takes to repeat, but the top teams in all divisions have thwarted challenges at them.
Trending: Strong

4. Filthier
This squad is sitting humbly, but the 2015 champions know what they’re worth.  Still quite threatening to most.
Trending: Sideways

5. Gremlins
Our Fairy Tale Cup champion goons outscore everyone, even Fresh Kills.  At least our caged-helmet comrade will convince you his team is the best.
Trending: Up

6. LBS, Inc.
Don’t be fooled: even without Timmy-baby, the squad has enough depth to assume that any major departure is irrelevant.
Trending: Up

7. Cobra Kai
A brush with glory having almost won against Fresh Kills + overpowering W9 against the Hookers = pole position in their division.
Trending: Steady

8. Mathematics
Although a recent loss to Fresh Kills is a setback, D-Tag’s successors are staunch defenders, and the Norris clan is still dominant.
Trending: Steady

9. Corlears Hookers
In a three-way tie for points in their division, their record is still good.  Consistency in attendance is crucial.
Trending: Sideways

10. Gouging Anklebiters
Probie and the elite goalie tandem round out the top 10.  If they avoid costly mistakes against lower teams, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Steady

11. What The Puck
Conceptually, no single person carries a team, but Zac’s 10 goals help to further inject life and tenacity for the Orange Crush.
Trending: Up

12. Fuzz
Still a team with players worthy of playing in the top division, Rich can pick his players up from the doldrums of a below .500 record.
Trending: Underachieving

13. Butchers
Rachel’s crimson tide is in the course of stabilizing with a 4-win streak with Pete and MDF making waves.
Trending: Up

14. Sky Fighters
Where are the Czechs?  The Teytelbaums have been trying to hold the fort, and there’s only one Olivier and Mia each on the team.
Trending: Down

15. Gut Rot
The perennial bottom-dwellers, due to stellar goaltending and Peaches’ sass, have made moves to have a voice in hockey louder than Ellery’s.
Trending: Drunk

16. Denim Demons
Reconstructing the team has been a tough task for Jenn and Adam, but a solid win in W9 with Brian’s hatty may be the spark to returning to old form.
Trending: Down

17. Instant Karma
A handful of the team is probably older than most of the league, but never nix the adage ‘age over beauty.’  Experience means a lot.
Trending: Sideways

18. Tompkins Square Riots
Possibly still starstruck from all that has been going on, Dave GDR and the Riots are in limbo.  If they straighten out this summer, they’ll be fine.
Trending: Sideways

19. Mega Touch
After nine game did the 2016 formerly-known-as-Greene-division winners finally post a win this season.  Moral: put it in Brady’s wheelhouse.
Trending: Up

20. Dark Rainbows
Still shocked at the loss of Camber and Tyrell ‘Jesus,’ this rebuilding squad is desperate for a resurrection.
Trending: Steady

Trending definitions:
Elite: the top team in the league.
Strong: playing just as well as the top team.
Steady: playing at the level of Ranking.
Up: improving each week and moving up in the Rankings.
Sideways: exactly where they were when the season started.
Underachieving: not living up to expectations.
Down: less activity and interest.