BTSH Olympics are right around the corner and if last year’s lack of productivity for the following week are any indication, it is surely an event you don’t want to miss. Sunday will feature food, drink and feats of strength that would make even the legendary Frank Costanza proud.  Come for the flip cup and bar napkin lovemaking, stay for the arm wrestling MCed by our very own freedom of speech hating Rich Glnzr (tag him at your own risk).  Food will include pizzas at Parkside and this beast of a sandwich at the courts, imported fresh from Hoboken by our very own @ballhogg.  Drinks will include $3 high lifes, $5 tall boy tecates and possibly some of Hicks’ favorite courtside beverage (from what I’ve heard, like drowning it gets better once you get used to it).    Sign up here or forever be branded a coward and possibly a misogynist.

And now here are your Previews!

Butchers at Fuzz
by RG1 and RG2

RG2: OK Rachel, despite Marko’s continued cyber bullying of me, I want you to know that I have feelings and cried during the following movies. Brian’s Song, Rudy, and of course Field of Dreams. Yes, I have Daddy issues.

RG1: Thanks for sharing. I think you’ve mistaken this for Glnzr therapy hour. It isn’t. It’s about sneaker hockey. As I’m sure you’ve all noticed, our game is at 12:30, instead of 1pm. Because Princess Laniado has a softball game. SOFTBALL? Boo. sneaker hockey wins. But the Butchers are ok with this, because we were promised doughnuts.

RG2: Fine, I’ll be RG2. But yes, this is why I’m being nice to you this week. We need to get this game over with so half our team can play softball. So please tell Tim limited water breaks. I need another favor from you. It’s kinda important.

RG1: Ok, what is it? Just to preempt you, I will not ask Marko to stop cyber bullying you. It’s in the best interest/amusement of the league.

RG2: OK, never mind then. Let’s get on with the previews. Who do you have this week? Who is missing?

RG 1: You think I am going to give away our secrets? NEVER. Georgine would kill me. Have you ever seen her pissed? You don’t want to.  Also, I legitimately have no idea. I’ll tell you one thing, nobody knows if Fast Dave is coming until gametime. Not even Fast Dave. I hope Alexa is there, so I can touch her butt and then shake her hand. Since BTSH stands for (consensual) Butt Touching Shaking Hands.

RG2: I get in enough trouble from league feminists without (consensual) Butt Touching Shaking Hands so I’m going to try and stay out of the #MeToo offenders. But I will say this, you’re going to lose. I saw MDF’s shootout attempt and our strategy is to just let her go on 40 breakaways, and then pass to Gil with around 20 seconds left.

RG1: Are you playing defense? I’m sure MDF can figure out a way to make sure you score an own goal.

RG2: Yeah. Shit.

RG1: Dana is going to distract Coach by asking Chuckles if he wants a cordial.

RG2: 1- I thought I was special when Coach called me Chuckles. I feel so used. But anyways, I guess it will be 1-1 and hopefully our two jerky captains lets us shoot in the shootout to decide who wins. Loser buys the winner a beer?

RG1: I know, right? I thought I was special too. That guy is a dick, we should both unsuccessfully try to score on him.

RG2: I’m glad we settled this. Coach is a dick. You get doughnuts and beer, and loser buys winner a beer. And we can agree on something else…the 2019 Super Bowl champs! J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!

Rehabs at Corlears Hookers
by Arya Stark

One of the best matchups of the week features last year’s #2 and #3 overall seeds, except now they’re #8 and #12.  The Rehabs were the preseason favorite and have been solid, if not quite as dominant as expected, all year long.  Their only losses so far have been to fellow D1 teams Fresh Kills, Butchers and LBS and #1 overall seed Cobra Kai, and their goal differential is 5th in the league.  Meanwhile, the Hookers have been disappointing to say the least, both in terms of wins (where they currently sit in the bottom half of the league) and in number of actual games played (where they’re two back of most teams despite being one of the few teams to finish last week’s contest).  For the Hookers, this will be their second game of the day after making up their May 6 bizarro-world “rainout” (a rainout which still allowed several players to scrimmage in their timeslot) so fatigue may be an issue while the Rehabs will be finishing the second half of last week’s rained out contest with Filthier immediately following this matchup.

Forwards
The Rehabs boast one of the best groups of scorers in the league with A May, Joey Bats and the Phareoux on the male (aka inherently evil) side while Cherie and Monique are among two of the best female forwards in BTSH and who I’m sure will take inbounds and would be getting passed to all the time if a few of their guys ever tried passing to anyone.  The Hookers have some talent up front in Cro (he of five garbage goals), Clarke, Sarah and Noelle, but will have a tough time keeping up with the Rehabs possession-based style of play.
EDGE: Rehabs

Defense
Sena is one of the best pure defenders in the league and Welch is usually a pretty steady presence on the backline, but the Hookers have the edge here.  Sam keeps things steady while, between Tiff and Danilo, they have two game-changing offensive defenders who will drive possession and occasionally score badass goals off their bad asses.  Do their forwards backcheck?  Not always, but not markedly less than some of the Rehabs either.  Their defense may take one too many risks sometimes (and more sympathetic I could not be), but their legend will live forever.
EDGE: Hookers

Goaltending
Dustin came back from a multi-year absence to fill the rather large shoes of Kevin Longwell who is currently traveling the globe like a boss.  It’s been an up-and-down return thus far but Dustin is always a threat to steal any game he’s in.  The same (minus the multi-year absence) can be said about Ramirez, one of the very best in BTSH.  Both teams will get their chances and it may well come down to which of these elite netminders can come up with the big save when the defense in front of them collapses.
EDGE: Even

Intangibles
This game is sure to be fast paced, competitive and, knowing these teams, probably a bit chippy.  There’s a sneaky good chance that this matchup will end up being a playoff preview, and both teams will want to go into next week’s divisional matchups with some momentum.  So who’s better positioned to prevail in a tightly contested playoff-like contest?  Well, in the past three seasons the Rehabs have won a championship and lost in the title game twice.  Meanwhile, the Hookers have lost in the round of eight, the round of 16 and the play-in round.  Cro and Tiff are great competitors, but the Rehabs have played many of these types of games in the past couple years and will not be fazed by any of it.  Then again, its a sneaker hockey game with a tree in the field of play so I’m not quite sure why anyone would be fazed by it to begin with.  The more interesting question will be whether the Hookers will be able to keep up with the Rehabs in what will be their second game of the day.
EDGE: Rehabs

Prediction:Both these teams have a lot to play for and this game has the potential to be one of the most fun ones of the season.  In a rematch of this March’s commissioner race, Hicks will once again prevail over Cro who will claim it’s a rigged system regardless.  4-2 Rehabs.  #factsonly

BONUS COVERAGE

Poutine vs Hookers – My Soviet father used to tell me the old saying they had about communism: “they pretend to pay us, we pretend to work.”  This is pretty much how I feel about the Hookers/Poutine “rainout” from May 6, except they were the only ones pretending it was raining.  Anyways, this should be a relatively low-scoring affair with the Hookers pulling out a tight victory.

Rehabs vs Filthier – These division rivals will look to finish their contest from last week which was 2-0 Filthier heading into the half on the strength of a highlight reel through the legs goal from James and a bar-down snipe from Ryan.  The Rehabs seem like the stronger team overall, but a two goal deficit against Tim K is usually too much to overcome.  Filthy hang on to notch the victory and, for the first time since April 15, take hold of first place in the top division.

Filthier at Sky Fighters
by Chica Malcriada

Mad Libs Edition

It was the Filthier of times, it was the Carlin of times, it was the age of winners, it was the age of sandwiches, it was the epoch of crease, it was the epoch of Stein, it was the season of losers, it was the season of hotdog, it was the spring of Skyfighters, it was the winter of hangovers, we had Tim before us, we had beer before us, we were all going direct to JJ, we were all going direct the other way – Shots.

Prediction: Sky Fighters upset another premiere team by defeating Filthier 3-2.