The 2019 BTSH playoffs are right around the corner and there are an abundant of intriguing match-ups.  Our writers got together to discuss some of the match-ups that they’d like to see.  Here is the first entry. Enjoy!

By Arya Stark

The trilogy.

Some rivalries are media creations, as people need something to write about and try to force a conflict where there is none (I promise this is not one of those).  Some go one way, where an underdog continually punches up at a competitor that not only doesn’t fear them, but really doesn’t even think of them (sorry to my fellow Jets fans, but Jets/Patriots is a prime example of this one).  And some, the fun ones, are real, borne of a combination of vicious competition, sometimes animosity and usually a mutual respect (Islanders/Oilers in the 80s, Detroit/Colorado in the 90s, etc).  BTSH has a few of each kind, but the third are obviously the most exciting, and the best one currently going is without question Fuzz/Rehabs, a true rivalry with big games, big stars, monumental wins and devastating heartbreaks for both sides.  Let’s rewind a bit for those who may be unfamiliar…

In 2016, Fuzz was the new “superteam” that everyone generally disliked (I was a rookie so I didn’t really give a shit either way).  Rising from the ashes of the Happy Little Elves franchise, they added Jeff from the Butchers, Hicks from the Gremlins and a few other players to a core of Elves players to quickly rise to the #1 seed in the league.  The Rehabs had just made what was at the time considered an underdog run to the 2015 BTSH Championship and earned the #2 seed.  Both teams were in the same division and Fuzz swept the season series.  Fans were hoping to see these teams meet in what would have been an explosive playoff match-up but that didn’t happen as Fuzz was upset by the 10th seeded Sky Fighters in the quarterfinals while the Rehabs would go on to win the championship.

In 2017, Fuzz/Rehabs was the opening game of the season and gave birth to the fence shove heard around the world.  Fuzz had a 3-0 lead and looked to be cruising to an impressive early season victory before the Habs stormed back to tie the game, then put it away in OT.  Welch celebrated by running by the Fuzz bench with his arms out, a move which incensed Rich who proceeded to run at him and shove him into the fence (he received a two game suspension for this which led to Fuzz winning without him and, incredibly, Hicks meeting his future wife).  The Rehabs would win the other regular season meeting between the teams, a 6-2 victory in August, before a playoff meeting that saw the Rehabs win 1-0 on a goal by Christian, a shutout for Ramirez and a crossbar in the last minute by now-retired defenseman Paul.  The Rehabs would go on to lose in the championship to the Fresh Kills, but the fun didn’t stop between the teams there as the Habs poached Hicks from Fuzz in the offseason.

In 2018, the teams met once, in the final week of the regular season with the Rehabs winning 5-1 on the strength of a four goal performance by “LeBrian.”  They would give the people what they wanted in the playoffs as the two met in the quarterfinals once more.  Fuzz raced out to a 2-0 lead and looked like they might be on cruise control before the Rehabs stunned them with two goals in the final ten minutes to force OT.  Black had all the momentum but Alexa forced a turnover in the Rehabs zone and the ball bounced directly to her husband Jeff, wide-open in front (probably not the guy you want to get it, unless you’re Glanzer). He scored to set off a wild celebration and send Fuzz to the final four, where they would eventually win the title.

That brings us to this season.  The Rehabs beat Fuzz in OT in the third game of the season; Fuzz got their revenge before Olympics when they scored a controversial OT goal which the Rehabs claim should not have counted due to Sena being run over right before.  Others say she got in Sig’s way as he was cutting to the middle and it wasn’t his fault.  For those keeping score – the regular season series across four years is four wins to three for the Rehabs.  In the playoffs, they’ve each knocked each other out in the elite eight once, and each team has won a championship.  The Rehabs had the upper hand for a while but Fuzz’s championship last season put the two back to basically even. 

Asked for comment, an anonymous Sultan said “our defense is too good for them to score on.  Ramirez is shaky in net and has trouble stopping Jeff in overtime when no one is covering him.”  Asked for comment, an anonymous Pharaoh said “kings do king shit.”  I’m not entirely sure what that means (I don’t think he really does either) but whatever it is, let’s hope these two teams give the fans what they want and deserve – one more playoff meeting to decide who will hold the upper hand in this rivalry until next season, when we can hopefully watch them kill each other once more.

*A previous version of this story referred to Welch’s move as an apparent Cena impersonation, Jeff as the crossbar-striker, Alexa’s assist as a bad bounce and seemingly implied that Rich wouldn’t want Jeff to have a wide open net in front. It has been corrected for the sake of history as future generations will no doubt be revisiting this fine piece of literature.