By Diana M

What can we say about the famed BTSH Division 4? Quite a bit actually. Have they recently had a rough season in the W/L category? Maybe. Are they having a great f**king time? Usually.

What The Puck: Same roster, fresh attitude

WTP returns, orange balls loaded, with exactly the same roster as last year except this year they have a strict attendance policy which mandates makeup days spent standing in the Tompkins Square Park bathroom.

When the Division namesake, Justin M was asked what happened in the off-season, he responded, “Our Captain Emily won a championship in D2 Lasker Ice Hockey. Zac Ball Hogg found his Canadien Manners. Mike D still packs the van full of booze, band gear, and hockey equipment.”

They left last season putting up a fight against the Lbs, and return with Eric, Paulie, Caroline, Sam and Marisa all hungry for a rematch. John C and Steve have been practicing wind sprints and taking co-ice-baths to stay fast and loose in 2018.

Mega Touch: Corporate Restructuring and Equal Pay

Let’s get the obvious “what’s new” out of the way — Brady and Cheeky are getting Butchered this year. Good luck to them in their crimson endeavors.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, they want more guys named “Jeff” in action full time so are pulling former part-timers Jeff H and Jeff B into the roster. A sweet trio of reportedly badass female players rivaling Destiny’s Child in breakout-star-potential — Kelly, Michelle, Erika — joins Mega with the promise of equal pay and access to Julie’s candy stash.

Alok’s wedding plans are coming along nicely — thanks for asking.

Gut Rot: Keep on Rockin In the Free World

Gut Rot had a really fun 2017 season. Last we saw them, they were basking in the glory of Ed winning the C Dubbs award, Ellery being inducted to the Hall of Fame, and the team winning upset of the year. Go green.

All of Gut Rot’s steadfast roster are returning this year, which I think all of us are pretty thrilled about because this ensemble cast kept us really entertained last year. A long-time BTSH’er is making a triumphant return, although Gut Rot is not releasing that name yet — the embargo will be lifted on opening day. Our favorite redhead – wait shit I can’t say that, Coco…Liza…– ONE of our favorite redheads joined the board and we’re all excited to see Morgen in a power suit with shoulder pads.

Gut Rot is also procreating wildly, as Evie Pratt Wang, Frankie Cabe Baer, and Bennet Gilligan join the Gut Rottlettes in training for Team 2035.

Riots: It Takes a Village

“The riots continue to be captain-less as they rotate through a communal approach to power sharing. As a result, none of them know the season is about to start.” — I’m just grabbing that quote straight from Suz as it is solid gold.

On the defensive line, the formidable Sharif C and Kevin Z are coming back to fight the good fight. Sharif is bent on returning after being the inaugural winner of the hot legs contest at the Johnsons’ Olympics & committing to live in his glory days forever. Ride that wave buddy. Ride it to the end.

The Riots continue to do their off-season recruiting outside of the CUNY graduate center. They scooped up free agent Hy from the west coast.  Also recruited last year’s free agent…lighting fast offense Evan. Laura Mac attack is returning along w/ Amy J, Christina, Joe, Vanck the tank, Max, Drew, Seb, hall of famer goaltender DGR, & the usual crew. This will be a crew to watch this season.

Suz will be out for the 2018 season and remain in a bunker offsite while she works on the 2019 BTSH by-laws. Word is she is allowed 3 square meals and 15 minutes of fresh air per day. Godspeed girlfriend.

Dark Rainbows: Sun peeks through the clouds

The Rainbows achieved one point last season but hats off for a having a great sense of humor about it. It’s a beer league, folks. You win some you lose some. Well they didn’t actually WIN any last year, but in our hearts they did. That’s not nothing. Also guess who is pure as the driven snow? Not a single infraction for the Rainbows last year. Way to keep it clean and classy, y’all. Now, onto this season…

The vivid pink shirts are back in 2018, this time worn by a lot of fresh BTSH’ers new to the league, and new to the pink. And maybe the stink. Of the TSP bathrooms. Why what were you thinking? You’re gross. Anyway, the new crew is a glorified Friendster throwback where friends of friends have trickled in to form the pot at the end of the Rainbow. We’re excited to see the fresh roster in action.