By Steven F

Excited to bring you the first edition of Behind the Mask. Behind the Mask seeks to introduce the league to the wacky folks who suit up in pounds of gear and eagerly step in front of blistering wrist shots, the goalies of BTSH.

It is 7pm on an April Thursday and Dave G is traveling on an old school R subway car uptown from the World Trade Center to Canal Street. Dave is the goalie of the surging Dark Rainbows and referee for the league. However, today he is on his way to Chinatown for some dumplings and noodles.

On the subway he reminisces about how he started his career in sports broadcasting, calling play by play for minor league and college baseball teams. After ascending from the subway and narrowly avoiding a few cars crossing Canal Street and Mott Street, he mentions his brief stint as a traffic reporter before transitioning to a career in sales.

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Friendly reminder that the Greatest Day of the Year is this Saturday, April 27th!

Online registration for the annual Rose Charities Street Hockey Tournament is still open with game day registration also available (beginning at at 9 am).

Games begin at 10 am and go until around 4 pm, followed by an awesome after-party nearby at Fish Market in the Seaport District.   It’s definitely a day you won’t want to miss.  Invite your friends, family, lovers, illegitimate lovers, rich uncles, rich aunts, harems, hotties ‘n’ hunks at work you don’t know how to hang out with without being weird–invite ’em all!

Oh, it is also for a great cause too – hugs from the lovely Rachel G and the very married Diane J-N.

Third Star

Demons’ Turnaround Season

It is no secret that the past couple of seasons haven’t been kind to the Demons.  Finding the right blend of talent and personality to fit a team’s identity can be a bit of a challenge.  But it looks like the wait has been worth it. New additions this season of Automatic Neil and BSA’s coworker (sorry I forgot your name already bro) have resulted in positives.  Through three games the Demons have scored 18 goals, allowed only 3 goals (+15 differential), sit atop the league standings, and played in the rain. Welcome back.

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Lots of sneaker hockey for lots of goalies this past week. Hopefully they were able to stay nice and cool during the very few times in the game they can take waterbreaks now! On to the scores and obscure references galore(s)…

Cobra Kai 0 @ Hookers 1

Goalie Loss – Vesa Toskala (2-1, GAA of .68 all time – not a joke, gotta account for that sub 22 second goalie pull from this past Sunday in the all-time numbers)

Hookers garbage goals – M.Piggozi (1)

Goalie shutout win – Dustin (2-0, 2 shutouts, GAA less than 0 this season, probably)

Game Notes: Hookers, even with a lot of subs, including CK voodoo doll and former Alternate captain, managed to hold down the fort and secure a third straight shutout in as many games. The new survivor pool is picking the player that will be the first to score against Dustin this year. Wait, this pool has *actually* not been started yet? I am shocked.

Advncd Anlytcs: The last time Cobra Kai was shutout, it was by Alex EM, no just kidding, it was a week 18 loss to Hookers back in 2017, by the same scoreline, which ultimately sealed the fate for the Katz division race (I just know this from memory, neither google, JW, nor Glnzr had to be asked). What will this early season matchup, goalie blunder, and result hold for 2019’s…wait, what is the name of the 2nd division again? With Hicks renaming everything Southeast for a beefy meaty minute last year, I forgot. At the time of posting we finally remembered. The CMB division… sorry Crazy Caroline!

Math 2 @ Butchers 1 (F/OT)

Math – Jon M (2), Jack McG (3)

Goalie Win – David L (2-1, GAA of sub 2.33)

Pig Knifes – Jake “the unpoachable sky figher” Tiner

Goalie Loss – Tim Burke playing in his own team’s game (0-0-1-0)

Game Notes: Can you really be called a Cobra if you don’t play on Cobra Kai? I get Jake the Snake, but why not Jack the Snack? Jack Attack? Action Jackson?

Rehabs 3 @ Fuzz 2 (F/SO)

Rehabs – Cherie x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Tim Burke via Pig Knifes

Fuzz – Sig (2), Ryann “sitting on the backdoor because you didn’t include me in the plan” (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Ryan M via CK farm system  

Game Notes: Why did Fuzz let the Cobra Kai backup goalie get in some btsh practice? They didn’t even win the game, and now he’ll be more prepared when playing for CK later this season. That’s like losing the PBR cup when you didn’t even win it (wait, that actually kind of makes sense).

Advncd Anlytcs: Ryann is not on vacation. When Fuzz goalies are sober, they lose.

Gremlins 2 @ Mega 3

Gremlins – Magic Man (1), Cody (1)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (2-1, GAA of sub 2.00)

Mega – Ann Marie (1), J Hanson (1), “Inspector” Jones (1)

Goalie Win – Mike T (2-0, GAA of sub 2.00)

Game Notes: It’s okay Gemmies, don’t listen to Rich, you can lose as many games as you want to this season. And 2020. By 2021, your win total won’t be a me problem anymore.

Advncd Anlytcs: Tim scores his first of the season, rounding into form just in time for Rose Charity with the salt boyz team. The hope is that the goals per whiff are higher than .5 per game that day.

Not believable: It says Matt Jones scored a goal, but I’m not sure how you can score in BTSH by taking a slapshot. Even Glnzr can’t get away with that.

Karma 3 @ WTP 2 (F/SO)

Karma – Derek Zed x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Steve F (1-2, GAA of 2.33)

Shootout Winner – SCory Cory V

DaPucks – Justin M (1), John C #69 (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Ed P (1-1-1, GAA of 3.00-ish)

Game Notes: WTP managed to score 3 goals yet again for the third straight week, however one was disallowed prior to OT and thus totally not impactful on the final score. The first shooter in the SO failed to realize he had used all his “shut ups” on Rehabs players thanks to refereeing the Fuzz-Rehabs game prior to this third division tilt. Here’s til/to OC, Hicks. Wait, are people talking about OC (teams, poaching, tampering, etc) already? I am not shocked.

Advncd Anlytics: Insert obligatory stat of the number of headshots > number of successful shootout attempts

Fresh Kills 0 @ GANK 4

Goalie Loss – David Liang via Math class

Anklebiters – Joe P (1), Alex Derho (1), Jared (4), Courtney B (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – The Masked Rubber Ducky (3-0, GAA of 0.PatrickRoy)

Game Notes: Fresh Kills are still searching the right lineup for their 2020 pbr cup (the time is not yet nigh) and Anklebiters continue to dominate their early season matchups.

Poos 3 @ SKY 1

Poutine – Mike Marr x2 (3), Lauren (1)

Goalie Win – Chris (1-0)

Sky Fighters – Wes (1)

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-2, GAA of 2.50)

Game Notes: Based on the not three stars hon mentions, it appears the referees are ignoring my email(s) and not using hand signals to show who has possession for inbounds if/when they are inaudible and/or unclear vocally. Who ever said being ref manager was the “best job in the [btsh] biz”?

Pound Sterlings 5 @ Filthier 2

Pounds – Jason B x2 (2), Avery (1), Michael “when I Kuzy you, you’ll know” Roberts (1), Jessica H (1)

Goalie Win – Tim B via Butchers

Filthier – Jamie D x2 (3)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B via Gremlins

Game Notes: In an early goal of the year candidate, Jason perfected a perfect forehand scoop shot on a broken play turned half break away, flipping it far glove side past a surprised tendy. Take that, Magnus Arvedson (what Swede spells “sson”/”son” with only one “s”?).

Advncd Anlytcs: This is probably the first Pounds game in three years that neither Karsten nor ScottyKthe2nd inflated their goal totals by scoring in a blowout win, albeit against a Soko divisional opponent.

Riots 3 @ Rut Rot 1

Riots – Suz (1), Daniel (1), Margot (1)

Goalie Win – Dave GdR (1-0)

Gut Rot – Ramon “definitely not a high follow through” Ramon (1)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Becca (0-1)

Game Notes: Mike Danton’s favourite player agent was so speedy in this game, you could only see him with the naked eye by screenshotting game footage on a half-decade outdated mobile device.

Advncd Anlytics: Becca’s save percentage was presumably one standard deviation lower than her TSP courts clothes to skin coverage ratio. Both teams were coming into this having not yet scored this season – the sideline celebrations were accordingly very loud, especially for Margot’s clincher.

Dark Rainbows 1 @ Denim Demons 6

Rainbows – Bryan L (1)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-2)

Demons – Neil x2 (7), Miles (5), Gene (2), Jake (1), Tracy (1)

Goalie Win – Zach L (2-0, GAA of 0.50)

Game Notes: Demons built and early lead in this game and in the division race with an emphatic sextet (not a boob reference) in this Michaliga divisional matchup.

By Richiehero

Third Not Star

Recent BTSH Champions (excluding the Rehabs)

Fuzz, Fresh Kills, Filthier, I thought you were good? It appears after LJ lost the PBR Cup, many of the good teams are now bad. The 2015,2016,2018 BTSH Champions, Filthier, Fresh Kills and Fuzz are a combined 2-7. (Expecting an angry text from Ann in 3..2..oh there it is.)

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