By Arya Stark

The Demons and Poutine continued their lets-actually-finish-our-games-tour as the Rosens & Co took the first match in OT.  The second match, not surprisingly, was called off halfway through due to rain.

Fuzz beat the Hookers 4-2 despite the absence of their best player, spiritual leader and possible league MVP, Jeff (did you think I was going to say someone else here?).  The win put this team ahead of 2016’s version who finished first in the league before getting bounced by the Sky Fighters in the quarterfinals.  That team had 14 wins, 84 goals scored and 46 goals against in 17 games, while this one has 15 wins, 81 goals scored and 38 against in the same timeframe.  Two dominant seasons sandwiched around last year’s surprising 11th place finish.  Get well soon Sarah!

WTP beat the Riots 3-1 which, along with a shootout loss for Mega, clinches the division title for the Pucks.  Sam has a two game goal streak while Hogg now has one goal allowed in two starts.  #goaliecontroversy?

LBS Inc beat Filthier 2-1 off a late Chaplin snipe.  The win clinches the division for Poundtown for the first time since at least 2013, if not earlier (league historians pls help).

Cobra Kai took down Gut Rot despite a borderline heroic performance from Ed.  Heather put up her first goal in three years while the dojo inched closer to their first league title possibly ever (league historians, help again).

The Gremlins shut out Karma 2-0 with Rod and Iannis picking up a goal each and Tim hitting 3-4 posts.  Someone was really happy that it’s mathematically impossible for anyone in yellow to have been a minus in this game.

The Biters won 5-4 as the mathletes learned the hard way that it’s probably not a great idea to give Ben a breakaway from half court.  Even notorious math-hater Becca knew that one.

The Rehabs came back from an early deficit to sink the Sky Fighters 7-4 in a game featuring a Holtby-esque save of the year candidate by James on Hicks.  Even with the win, the Rehabs fall to 6th behind the Fresh Kills, although they can retake 5th with a win and either a loss by the Fresh Kills or a loss by Filthier by 4+ goals.  Looks like that season finale against Fuzz will end up being must-watch hockey.

The Rainbows won their third game in a row, beating Mega in a shootout.  The win puts them in position to potentially finish as high as 15th although that would require some serious collapses from the teams in front of them.

Finally, the Fresh Kills won both of their games over the Butchers by scores of 9-3 and 6-4.  An early Gabe hat trick was key in the first match while Roxy played both games without a sub.  The win moves the Fresh Kills all the way up to the #5 seed in my totally unofficial and unverified league standings, which I have added below.  This is not guaranteed to be accurate in any way, but with only one week of game action left until the playoffs, it probably isn’t too far off.

Unofficial Standings (follow at your own risk)
1 – Fuzz (clinched first or second place)
2 – Cobra Kai (game in hand on Fuzz) (clinched first or second place)
3 – LBS (clinched 1st division title and third place)
4 – Filthier (ahead of FK by virtue of head-to-head sweep)
5 – Fresh Kills
6 – Rehabs
7 – Biters
8 – Gremlins (game in hand)
9 – Poutine (two games in hand)
10 – WTP
11 – Karma
12 – Hookers (game in hand)
13 – Mega
14 – Butchers
15 – Demons (game in hand)
16 – Math
17 -Sky Fighters (game in hand)
18 – Gut Rot
19 – Rainbows (game in hand)
20 – Riots

Poutine Machine @ Denim Demons – 2:30 pm, WEST
(and also Denim Demons @ Poutine Machine – 12:00 pm second half of the June 10 game, EAST, but we already covered that)

I’ve got beak for weeks.

by Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk, regular communist

Caw! We’re back with another round of Hawk Talk! Greetings and ‘gurgitations from the upper third of this oak tree, where I’m waiting patiently for Sunday hockey so I can fly down and snatch your toupee! Yeah, it’s pretty convincing, but my eyesight’s keener than all you hockey wackos and besides, I’ve got the better angle. You can learn a lot about the tops of heads from up here, and many other curiosities besides, if you pay attention. For example, did you know:

  • That’s not a blocker on Mike T.’s arm, it’s just a giant graham cracker…?
  • Dr. Ruth is still alive, and makes a pretty good living picking up your beer cans…?
  • Camden the dog is actually a naked mole rat…?
  • Sam N. and Zach N. are actually the same person—you were just too drunk to realize…?
  • Backwards baseball hat guys are 68% more likely to shoot and never pass…? [Continue Reading…]

To start us off this week we had Karma @ Demons Week….13?

(All I know is this is a replay of some game that Rubens wanted to play. Actually it’s Week 13 and the way I can tell is if both teams’ stats are blank for scoring in my tracker, which I then reconfirm if Cobra Kai also was rained out the same day- since they haven’t lost a game they always have a goal scorer to boot #analyticalprocedures #AuditorProudDay2018)…Week 13 it is. On to the box scores;

Karma 4 @ Demons 3 (F/OT) Week 13 Makeup

Karma – Derek “spell the letter phonetically” ZED (6), BBC Pluto (3), Liz T (1), Matt S (5)

Goalie Win – Steve F (4-6-1)

Demons – Zach T (6), Bash BROsen David (2), Bash BROsen Josh (3)

Goalie OTL – Charlie O’D via Zog Days of Summer

Game Notes: Is it too early to start asking who Derek ZED will be poached by for 2019?



Demons 1 @ POUNDS 3

Demons – Brian Bats (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR via back in the T(S)SR

Pounds – Karsten (10), Jason x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Mike “they really better not rank goalies by GAA after Hogg’s 1 shutter” Zisser (9-3-1, GAA of 1.86)

Game Notes: Los Blancos almost had as many write-ups as they did goals. I guess technically the Demons did too, since zero is close to 1.

Quick Shifts: Eli will call for time and have Pounds players say “Fuzz!” three times fast next week to settle them down; verbal warnings clearly don’t work with those guys (and girls).

Crisis: Averted!



Cobra Kai 3 @ Filthier 2

CK – Top Shelf Tommy (7), A Provider (2), Rachel “back to back GwG” Longley (3)

Goalie Win – Showtime from the Free Agent List (I hear he’s rostered now)

Filthier – Sunny x2 (16)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (12-3, GAA of 1.88)

Game Notes: I refereed the first 10 minutes of this game and everyone on CK had a Corsi % of 90+%, which looks great when the shots are 11-1 in your favour, but they were down 1-0 when Sunny opened the scoring off a nice one timer fed over from one of the many sneaky Mark Stone esque takeaways by OP James on the day. Our CK Beat Reporter said most of the rest of the game went the same way (must have- even Rush was shooting evidently).

Quick Shifts: Tim K must have played really well to keep this one close! Unfortunately no photos so he doesn’t make an appearance in our new segment before the Tweets of the Week.



Dank Rainbows 3 @ Math 2 (F/OT)

Dank – Dan C (2), Yetter x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (3-8)

Math – Showtime from the Free Agent List (No really, he’s going to be rostered), Jon M (8)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via LemmeGoalie4u

Game Notes: Hope these FA goalies didn’t get a heat stroke out there on Sunday, they seemed to have had a heavy workload. Maybe league subs should be more utilized in the (Fake) Zog Days of Summer?

Quick Shifts: Lol Yetter did score 2 again. That’s a late Week 15 box scores reference.



Karma 2 @ Butchers 1

Karma – SCory (6), Brianna (6)

Goalie Win – Steve F (now 5-6-1)

Butchers – Brady (6)

Goalie Loss – Peter Parker B via got lost on the way to Joe’s Pizza at West 4th street

Game Notes: Which BTSH vet historian should I hit up to ask when the last time Karma won 2 games…in the same day? Who should I ask for clarification on both game winning goal scorers?

Matt and Brianna…probably!

Quick Shifts: Lol Scory Cory and Brianna each scored a goal in the same game again. That’s another late Week 15 box scores reference.



Hookers 8 @ Riots 0

Hookers – Clark H x2 (4), Sarah (3), CJ x2 (7), Danilo (5), Tiff x2 (5)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dustin (6-5-2, 2nd Shutout, GAA of 2.00, 2nd shutout)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-10-1)

Game Notes: Unfortunately neither Sarah nor Danilo could pick up a brace like the rest of their teammates and finish this game early.

Quick Shifts: No garbage goals for Cro as he was too scared to get hit by the ball whilst in his Cro’s nest. Where would the tap-ins % stand on this list?



Gremlins 3 @ Fresh Kills 6

Gremlins – Magic Man the Mighty Tim x2 (6), Marcella (3)

Goalie Loss – Jamie (8-5-2, GAA of 2.33)

Fresh Kills – Eugene (4), Koho Soko x2 (6), Nick S (6), Nate x2 (3)

Goalie Win – Patty B (7-3-1, GAA of 2.45)

Game Notes: Add another disallowed goal via the crease to the tally.

Crisis: Partially Averted!



Mega 3 @ Biters 0

Mega – Max T (1), Alok G (6), Julie K (4)

Goalie Shutout Win – Tuckman (5-8-1, GAA of 2.86, 2nd Shutout in 2 weeks, 3rd on the year)

Goalie Loss – Dee J Bubble (4-4)

Game Notes: Julie either has a thing for Will Arnett or my box score write ups (probably the former), and continued to be a goal suck, potting an empty netter late to seal the victory.

Quick Shifts: The game scores were already posted this week, if you need assistance, you can use this link and press ctrl+f for “Week 16”! Cheers. I mean, “sooorry”…..Craig came back for his first start in months and kept his GAA standpat at 3. Now that is Carter Hutton kind of consistency. (Sooorry, no, I’m not getting you the link for that reference, be a resourceful reader!)



WTP 6 @ SkyF 0

DaPucks – Brennan (2), Dave MacC (2), Susie (4), Sam (1), Emily (3), Maurice the goal scorer via FA

Goalie Shutout Win – Hoggystyle (1-0-0, 1.000% Sieve %, 0.00 GAA, 1 Shutout, v sieve like .68 SV+%)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via iHatePlayingAgainstJustinEveryWeek

Game Notes: After a 5 save, 6-0 team win, the 2nd Star of the Week actually goes to~

Sam                                                 Michaliga                       Dave

Captain Emily!                           Steve                                Buffalo Zach “the” G.

BTSH Vet Susie                          David T.                          Maurice H.

              Claire                                             Brennan “The L stands for Low Event Hockey” Leong

              Aisling                                          Noah “the C stands for CPA” Carter

              Karon Michelle the FA            Sean F.

    (Not Ball Hogg/Hoggystyle)

Cat will likely keep my 2nd star though…it’s fine, I don’t hate you, you’re just not my buddy, guy girl – actually, I just don’t say hi because I’m socially awkward (can’t you tell from these write-ups?)

Quick Shifts: The WTP emergency third stringer “Scott Foster” might have forgotten to don a toque (do we need the Will Arnett clip again?) and doesn’t remember all the goal scorers from the game (for the first time ever), but he still managed to get a penalty the first time he touched the ball as a goalie in BTSH, much like his debut as an FA out player in 2016 (stick checking on a deke then, high ball on a pass to a d-person now)…..Speaking of keeping streaks alive….Captain Emily scored the fifth goal in a shutout win, so that’s another game winning goal per Izzy’s math….and Maurice comes as advertised, a sniping goal scorer….after committing to a half season with WTP, Fleming (with one “m”!) showed up for a few shifts, finally….Ryann the Ref was quick to point out all 6 of the Vandoos and their FA crease violations made it very tough to ref.

Quick Shifts Another Hasek Clip: Thanks Sky Fighters, for giving us a reason to pull this clip. (Okay I cannot find the video but his quote is in there somewhere)

Crisis: Averted!


Rehabs 4 @ P Machine 2

Les Habitants – JoeyBats (8), Monique R (4), Cherie x2 (9)

Goalie Win – Eric R (6-3, GAA of 2.22)

Les Separitists – Mike M (4), Brian S (6)

Goalie Loss – RJ Fuzz Co. (4-4, GAA of 1.50)

Game Notes: Brian Sulli has a 4 game goal scoring streak and decided to sit out from his team’s Fake Zog playoff game so he can snap it in OC, instead #We’reGoingBlackTopStreaking!!!

Quick Shifts: Did JoeyBats bring free food for half time??? I picked the wrong 6pm game to ref!

What’s for Dinner: The Montreal Pool Room doesn’t have pool tables anymore, but still serves poutine around Montreal’s Red Light District (that’s like a hockey red light reference, right?)


Fuzz 6 @ Rut Rot 2

Fuzz – Mike “told you he’d be in the lead” Teets x3 (20), RNV (9), Gil x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Coach (12-1-1, GAA of 2.29)

Gut Rot – Akhil x3 2 (8 maybe make it 9?)

Goalie Loss – Eddy the Eagle (4-7, GAA sure looks like the aftermath of a Pizza line drubbing against the Laughs too)

Game Notes: Chadwick found Rut Rot funny so we let that typo go through our peer editing review prior to “print”….and I wasn’t sure where to link these in my post, but since they was a no goal controversy (not really, it didn’t go in and the goal was immaterial given the 5 or 6 goal differential at the time, so any error was de minimis #AbovePerformanceMateriality #Immaterial #AuditorProudDay2018) I’ll ask it here;

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

How about 3 on 3 in BTSH?

Quick Shifts: I’ll start the GoFundMe to bring back Bob W for video review!

Crisis: Averted!



How to Goalie

I’ve seen a lot of goalies in and out of the lineup lately, so for those who need to fill in on Sunday, here’s some quick pointers…


1.  Hug your post

Now that is how to hug a post. No BS VH or Reverse VH method.


2. Keep your fivehole closed.

Those legs were more open than a 5 dollar Corlears Park Hooker. That is not star worthy.


3. Stay big in there and challenge the shooter.



Tweets of the Week

Someone asked that they be featured in the Tweets this week. And that we did (naturally, we roasted them). #DoubleClick

Tompkins Square Riots at What the Puck – 12:30 pm, EAST
by Izzy

The Riots are not to be overlooked as they have impressive wins this season against the powerhouse Cobra Kai and surging Dark Rainbows.  Despite last week’s hiccup this is the time of year when News Hour Mac’s rebellious burgundy brutes crank it up a notch or four.  Plus, league underrated, but team appreciated, Kevin on defense has one of the most destructive inbound shots.

The Pucks can’t afford to be careless with Mega right on their heels.

We’re not sure which Pucks team is going to show up this Sunday.  And no, we don’t mean what line combinations they’ll come up with out of their 20+ players.  What we do mean is that the latest scuttlebutt coming out their clubhouse is that Susie and the gang are already looking forward to Hockey Beach next weekend.  (And who can blame them?)  With Mega Touch right on their heels for the Division 4 crown they better refocus and smell the salts for this divisional clash with the Riots.

Prediction: game goes to a shootout with Margot being the hero for the Riots, 3-2. [Continue Reading…]

by Cat

The Media has been getting some heat for resting on our laurels, jokes wise. “Why don’t you have any new material?!” they say. Rain fears! Is a hot dog a sandwich! ROTY snubs! Lol shootouts! The most original thing out of the Media in 2018 is filling out a Mad Libs book that Isaac picked up in the checkout line at the Duane Reade. Look, we can’t all be Big Russ and Old Brett (another feud I’m trying to make happen while working on the beef beat) coming up with #newcontent to entertain the masses!

Big TYSM to Greenwald for sending this picture of himself at the Hot Legs competition to illustrate my points

Still, I didn’t major in Creative Writing to not put it to good use – so enjoy these #hottakes I came up with for a blog about a beer league:

Third Star
Sara K from Denim Demons

In spite of the heat and the double-header, the Demons went into Sunday with only three girls: new-Media-sweetheart Tracy, the free-agent-slash-honorary-DD Elaina, and insane-person-who-never-tires Sara. While Tracy and Elaina rotated on forward for their games against both Instant Karma and LBS, Sara played the whole damn time without any shifts.

Meanwhile, my roommate-slash-attendant Paolo (you may have seen him wearing a fringed crop top on the sidelines holding a fan that said “THWORP” – he’s taking custom crop top orders for next year) served me homemade hibiscus iced tea on the sidelines while I complained it was much too hot to only have 5 girls on our bench.

Yes, the Demons did actually lose both their games, but if you wanted Stars for winners only you can get Rich to write them next time!!!!! Sara is a goddamn champ!!!  [Continue Reading…]