Third Star

Demons’ Turnaround Season

It is no secret that the past couple of seasons haven’t been kind to the Demons.  Finding the right blend of talent and personality to fit a team’s identity can be a bit of a challenge.  But it looks like the wait has been worth it. New additions this season of Automatic Neil and BSA’s coworker (sorry I forgot your name already bro) have resulted in positives.  Through three games the Demons have scored 18 goals, allowed only 3 goals (+15 differential), sit atop the league standings, and played in the rain. Welcome back.

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Lots of sneaker hockey for lots of goalies this past week. Hopefully they were able to stay nice and cool during the very few times in the game they can take waterbreaks now! On to the scores and obscure references galore(s)…

Cobra Kai 0 @ Hookers 1

Goalie Loss – Vesa Toskala (2-1, GAA of .68 all time – not a joke, gotta account for that sub 22 second goalie pull from this past Sunday in the all-time numbers)

Hookers garbage goals – M.Piggozi (1)

Goalie shutout win – Dustin (2-0, 2 shutouts, GAA less than 0 this season, probably)

Game Notes: Hookers, even with a lot of subs, including CK voodoo doll and former Alternate captain, managed to hold down the fort and secure a third straight shutout in as many games. The new survivor pool is picking the player that will be the first to score against Dustin this year. Wait, this pool has *actually* not been started yet? I am shocked.

Advncd Anlytcs: The last time Cobra Kai was shutout, it was by Alex EM, no just kidding, it was a week 18 loss to Hookers back in 2017, by the same scoreline, which ultimately sealed the fate for the Katz division race (I just know this from memory, neither google, JW, nor Glnzr had to be asked). What will this early season matchup, goalie blunder, and result hold for 2019’s…wait, what is the name of the 2nd division again? With Hicks renaming everything Southeast for a beefy meaty minute last year, I forgot. At the time of posting we finally remembered. The CMB division… sorry Crazy Caroline!

Math 2 @ Butchers 1 (F/OT)

Math – Jon M (2), Jack McG (3)

Goalie Win – David L (2-1, GAA of sub 2.33)

Pig Knifes – Jake “the unpoachable sky figher” Tiner

Goalie Loss – Tim Burke playing in his own team’s game (0-0-1-0)

Game Notes: Can you really be called a Cobra if you don’t play on Cobra Kai? I get Jake the Snake, but why not Jack the Snack? Jack Attack? Action Jackson?

Rehabs 3 @ Fuzz 2 (F/SO)

Rehabs – Cherie x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Tim Burke via Pig Knifes

Fuzz – Sig (2), Ryann “sitting on the backdoor because you didn’t include me in the plan” (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Ryan M via CK farm system  

Game Notes: Why did Fuzz let the Cobra Kai backup goalie get in some btsh practice? They didn’t even win the game, and now he’ll be more prepared when playing for CK later this season. That’s like losing the PBR cup when you didn’t even win it (wait, that actually kind of makes sense).

Advncd Anlytcs: Ryann is not on vacation. When Fuzz goalies are sober, they lose.

Gremlins 2 @ Mega 3

Gremlins – Magic Man (1), Cody (1)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (2-1, GAA of sub 2.00)

Mega – Ann Marie (1), J Hanson (1), “Inspector” Jones (1)

Goalie Win – Mike T (2-0, GAA of sub 2.00)

Game Notes: It’s okay Gemmies, don’t listen to Rich, you can lose as many games as you want to this season. And 2020. By 2021, your win total won’t be a me problem anymore.

Advncd Anlytcs: Tim scores his first of the season, rounding into form just in time for Rose Charity with the salt boyz team. The hope is that the goals per whiff are higher than .5 per game that day.

Not believable: It says Matt Jones scored a goal, but I’m not sure how you can score in BTSH by taking a slapshot. Even Glnzr can’t get away with that.

Karma 3 @ WTP 2 (F/SO)

Karma – Derek Zed x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Steve F (1-2, GAA of 2.33)

Shootout Winner – SCory Cory V

DaPucks – Justin M (1), John C #69 (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Ed P (1-1-1, GAA of 3.00-ish)

Game Notes: WTP managed to score 3 goals yet again for the third straight week, however one was disallowed prior to OT and thus totally not impactful on the final score. The first shooter in the SO failed to realize he had used all his “shut ups” on Rehabs players thanks to refereeing the Fuzz-Rehabs game prior to this third division tilt. Here’s til/to OC, Hicks. Wait, are people talking about OC (teams, poaching, tampering, etc) already? I am not shocked.

Advncd Anlytics: Insert obligatory stat of the number of headshots > number of successful shootout attempts

Fresh Kills 0 @ GANK 4

Goalie Loss – David Liang via Math class

Anklebiters – Joe P (1), Alex Derho (1), Jared (4), Courtney B (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – The Masked Rubber Ducky (3-0, GAA of 0.PatrickRoy)

Game Notes: Fresh Kills are still searching the right lineup for their 2020 pbr cup (the time is not yet nigh) and Anklebiters continue to dominate their early season matchups.

Poos 3 @ SKY 1

Poutine – Mike Marr x2 (3), Lauren (1)

Goalie Win – Chris (1-0)

Sky Fighters – Wes (1)

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-2, GAA of 2.50)

Game Notes: Based on the not three stars hon mentions, it appears the referees are ignoring my email(s) and not using hand signals to show who has possession for inbounds if/when they are inaudible and/or unclear vocally. Who ever said being ref manager was the “best job in the [btsh] biz”?

Pound Sterlings 5 @ Filthier 2

Pounds – Jason B x2 (2), Avery (1), Michael “when I Kuzy you, you’ll know” Roberts (1), Jessica H (1)

Goalie Win – Tim B via Butchers

Filthier – Jamie D x2 (3)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B via Gremlins

Game Notes: In an early goal of the year candidate, Jason perfected a perfect forehand scoop shot on a broken play turned half break away, flipping it far glove side past a surprised tendy. Take that, Magnus Arvedson (what Swede spells “sson”/”son” with only one “s”?).

Advncd Anlytcs: This is probably the first Pounds game in three years that neither Karsten nor ScottyKthe2nd inflated their goal totals by scoring in a blowout win, albeit against a Soko divisional opponent.

Riots 3 @ Rut Rot 1

Riots – Suz (1), Daniel (1), Margot (1)

Goalie Win – Dave GdR (1-0)

Gut Rot – Ramon “definitely not a high follow through” Ramon (1)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Becca (0-1)

Game Notes: Mike Danton’s favourite player agent was so speedy in this game, you could only see him with the naked eye by screenshotting game footage on a half-decade outdated mobile device.

Advncd Anlytics: Becca’s save percentage was presumably one standard deviation lower than her TSP courts clothes to skin coverage ratio. Both teams were coming into this having not yet scored this season – the sideline celebrations were accordingly very loud, especially for Margot’s clincher.

Dark Rainbows 1 @ Denim Demons 6

Rainbows – Bryan L (1)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-2)

Demons – Neil x2 (7), Miles (5), Gene (2), Jake (1), Tracy (1)

Goalie Win – Zach L (2-0, GAA of 0.50)

Game Notes: Demons built and early lead in this game and in the division race with an emphatic sextet (not a boob reference) in this Michaliga divisional matchup.

By Richiehero

Third Not Star

Recent BTSH Champions (excluding the Rehabs)

Fuzz, Fresh Kills, Filthier, I thought you were good? It appears after LJ lost the PBR Cup, many of the good teams are now bad. The 2015,2016,2018 BTSH Champions, Filthier, Fresh Kills and Fuzz are a combined 2-7. (Expecting an angry text from Ann in 3..2..oh there it is.)

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In the Cheeky Bowl butchers put up a fight but in the end it was the cobra slithering through the defense to bury the game winner. 2-1 Math in OT. Math improves to 2-1 and the Butchers go to 0-3.

In a tightly contested defensive battle, it was the hookers putting in a goal late to improve to 3-0 with last year’s runner ups falling to 1-2. Lee Becker made sure to tell numerous people they’re the final team to have not let in a goal on the year. Someone please score on the Hookers. Please. 

In an #LOLShootout it was the rehabs avenging last season’s quarterfinal loss to Fuzz. After the game, someone was heard on the sidelines saying “we don’t like dick and we don’t like losing.” Rehabs move to 3-0 and Fuzz goes to 1-1-1.

In a game I don’t want to talk about due to my gambling problems, Mega ruined a lot of people’s Survivor pool entries and upset the gremlins 3-2. The Gremlins are now 2-1 while Mega is 1-1-1

No Gabe, no Ariel, a whole lot of problems. Biters take out Fresh Kills 4-0. In a positive, Probert was spotted at the courts so it’s safe to say he did not die in Minneapolis. Buyers join the 3-0 club while FK falls to 0-2-1.

In yet another shootout, Karma defeated WTP 3-2 crushing Rich Glanzer’s dreams of winning $30 in the survivor pool. In an act of pure asshatery he proceeded to take a brownie from Cat Tremble and drop half on the ground claiming #portioncontrol. The league calls #bullshit, give the man a spoiled meat. Karma moves to 1-2 while WTP ends the day 1-1-1.

The Lbs took Filthier to pound town. LBS 5, Filthier 2. Frey forgot the boxed wine so I have nothing left to write about this game. LBS join the 3-0 club, while Filthier falls to 1-2.

In #PooFight there was less ref shouting and more goal scoring this week. Poutine 3, Sky Fighters 1. Multiple captains were spotted watching this game. Infanti, guard your players like a hawk. Poutine moves to 2-1, sky fighters fall to 0-2.

In a D4 clash, the rainbows rainblew it, falling to 1-2 on the year. The Demons move to 3-0 and maybe it’s time to take them seriously? TBD.

In a battle for progress it was the riots coming out on top as a certain beautiful meatbox predicted. Goalie Becca was spotted half naked (shocker) after the game talking about “how hot it was” when it was 62 degrees out. Riots improve to 1-1 and Gut Rot falls to 0-3.

Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai

By RG1 and Dana OG

Cobra Kai is back and they are chasing the perfect wave. I mean game. Or wait, do I mean wave? Will brought new players to the team – hereby known as Point Break 1 and Point Break 2 – and they mean business. Or at least their hair does. You can’t keep these guys from the net, they’ve got nothing to lose. Cobra’s biggest problem right now is that their Johnny Utah (wait, can we all just take a moment to think about the fact that a movie asked us to believe for 90 minutes that an undercover cop’s name was Johnny fucking Utah?) is undercover on the wrong team. You know him as James P and JAMES YOU ARE UNDERCOVER ON THE WRONG TEAM! Gary Busey (aka Will) just can’t control James – he’s a loose cannon and he’s going to get himself killed! Wait, no, he’s just going to score another goal. For a totally different team. But you can’t be mad, cause it’s JAMES and he’s so nice.

Olivier is walking around telling everyone that he looks EXACTLY like the star of the French Canadian version of Point Break but everyone keeps telling him that is not a thing.

Instead of bringing on new young surfer guys to improve their team, the Hookers have gone the opposite route and brought on some old bald guys. They’ve gone back to square one, bringing back the tried and true. I’m not sure if there is a good movie comparison here, maybe Grumpy Old Men? Golden Girls? Say what you will about these octogenarians, but when Jock or Sal wind up (only to the knee tho), it’ll send the most grizzled defenseman running for cover (sorry, Max – you had pads on). I’m not sure – maybe Dani is the real Johnny Utah here, she was last seen infiltrating Bullmoose’s playoff pool and drinking all of Dusty’s free tequila.

Prediction: Point Break by 1 – how can they lose?

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