To start us off this week we had Karma @ Demons Week….13?

(All I know is this is a replay of some game that Rubens wanted to play. Actually it’s Week 13 and the way I can tell is if both teams’ stats are blank for scoring in my tracker, which I then reconfirm if Cobra Kai also was rained out the same day- since they haven’t lost a game they always have a goal scorer to boot #analyticalprocedures #AuditorProudDay2018)…Week 13 it is. On to the box scores;

Karma 4 @ Demons 3 (F/OT) Week 13 Makeup

Karma – Derek “spell the letter phonetically” ZED (6), BBC Pluto (3), Liz T (1), Matt S (5)

Goalie Win – Steve F (4-6-1)

Demons – Zach T (6), Bash BROsen David (2), Bash BROsen Josh (3)

Goalie OTL – Charlie O’D via Zog Days of Summer

Game Notes: Is it too early to start asking who Derek ZED will be poached by for 2019?



Demons 1 @ POUNDS 3

Demons – Brian Bats (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR via back in the T(S)SR

Pounds – Karsten (10), Jason x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Mike “they really better not rank goalies by GAA after Hogg’s 1 shutter” Zisser (9-3-1, GAA of 1.86)

Game Notes: Los Blancos almost had as many write-ups as they did goals. I guess technically the Demons did too, since zero is close to 1.

Quick Shifts: Eli will call for time and have Pounds players say “Fuzz!” three times fast next week to settle them down; verbal warnings clearly don’t work with those guys (and girls).

Crisis: Averted!



Cobra Kai 3 @ Filthier 2

CK – Top Shelf Tommy (7), A Provider (2), Rachel “back to back GwG” Longley (3)

Goalie Win – Showtime from the Free Agent List (I hear he’s rostered now)

Filthier – Sunny x2 (16)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (12-3, GAA of 1.88)

Game Notes: I refereed the first 10 minutes of this game and everyone on CK had a Corsi % of 90+%, which looks great when the shots are 11-1 in your favour, but they were down 1-0 when Sunny opened the scoring off a nice one timer fed over from one of the many sneaky Mark Stone esque takeaways by OP James on the day. Our CK Beat Reporter said most of the rest of the game went the same way (must have- even Rush was shooting evidently).

Quick Shifts: Tim K must have played really well to keep this one close! Unfortunately no photos so he doesn’t make an appearance in our new segment before the Tweets of the Week.



Dank Rainbows 3 @ Math 2 (F/OT)

Dank – Dan C (2), Yetter x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (3-8)

Math – Showtime from the Free Agent List (No really, he’s going to be rostered), Jon M (8)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via LemmeGoalie4u

Game Notes: Hope these FA goalies didn’t get a heat stroke out there on Sunday, they seemed to have had a heavy workload. Maybe league subs should be more utilized in the (Fake) Zog Days of Summer?

Quick Shifts: Lol Yetter did score 2 again. That’s a late Week 15 box scores reference.



Karma 2 @ Butchers 1

Karma – SCory (6), Brianna (6)

Goalie Win – Steve F (now 5-6-1)

Butchers – Brady (6)

Goalie Loss – Peter Parker B via got lost on the way to Joe’s Pizza at West 4th street

Game Notes: Which BTSH vet historian should I hit up to ask when the last time Karma won 2 games…in the same day? Who should I ask for clarification on both game winning goal scorers?

Matt and Brianna…probably!

Quick Shifts: Lol Scory Cory and Brianna each scored a goal in the same game again. That’s another late Week 15 box scores reference.



Hookers 8 @ Riots 0

Hookers – Clark H x2 (4), Sarah (3), CJ x2 (7), Danilo (5), Tiff x2 (5)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dustin (6-5-2, 2nd Shutout, GAA of 2.00, 2nd shutout)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-10-1)

Game Notes: Unfortunately neither Sarah nor Danilo could pick up a brace like the rest of their teammates and finish this game early.

Quick Shifts: No garbage goals for Cro as he was too scared to get hit by the ball whilst in his Cro’s nest. Where would the tap-ins % stand on this list?



Gremlins 3 @ Fresh Kills 6

Gremlins – Magic Man the Mighty Tim x2 (6), Marcella (3)

Goalie Loss – Jamie (8-5-2, GAA of 2.33)

Fresh Kills – Eugene (4), Koho Soko x2 (6), Nick S (6), Nate x2 (3)

Goalie Win – Patty B (7-3-1, GAA of 2.45)

Game Notes: Add another disallowed goal via the crease to the tally.

Crisis: Partially Averted!



Mega 3 @ Biters 0

Mega – Max T (1), Alok G (6), Julie K (4)

Goalie Shutout Win – Tuckman (5-8-1, GAA of 2.86, 2nd Shutout in 2 weeks, 3rd on the year)

Goalie Loss – Dee J Bubble (4-4)

Game Notes: Julie either has a thing for Will Arnett or my box score write ups (probably the former), and continued to be a goal suck, potting an empty netter late to seal the victory.

Quick Shifts: The game scores were already posted this week, if you need assistance, you can use this link and press ctrl+f for “Week 16”! Cheers. I mean, “sooorry”…..Craig came back for his first start in months and kept his GAA standpat at 3. Now that is Carter Hutton kind of consistency. (Sooorry, no, I’m not getting you the link for that reference, be a resourceful reader!)



WTP 6 @ SkyF 0

DaPucks – Brennan (2), Dave MacC (2), Susie (4), Sam (1), Emily (3), Maurice the goal scorer via FA

Goalie Shutout Win – Hoggystyle (1-0-0, 1.000% Sieve %, 0.00 GAA, 1 Shutout, v sieve like .68 SV+%)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via iHatePlayingAgainstJustinEveryWeek

Game Notes: After a 5 save, 6-0 team win, the 2nd Star of the Week actually goes to~

Sam                                                 Michaliga                       Dave

Captain Emily!                           Steve                                Buffalo Zach “the” G.

BTSH Vet Susie                          David T.                          Maurice H.

              Claire                                             Brennan “The L stands for Low Event Hockey” Leong

              Aisling                                          Noah “the C stands for CPA” Carter

              Karon Michelle the FA            Sean F.

    (Not Ball Hogg/Hoggystyle)

Cat will likely keep my 2nd star though…it’s fine, I don’t hate you, you’re just not my buddy, guy girl – actually, I just don’t say hi because I’m socially awkward (can’t you tell from these write-ups?)

Quick Shifts: The WTP emergency third stringer “Scott Foster” might have forgotten to don a toque (do we need the Will Arnett clip again?) and doesn’t remember all the goal scorers from the game (for the first time ever), but he still managed to get a penalty the first time he touched the ball as a goalie in BTSH, much like his debut as an FA out player in 2016 (stick checking on a deke then, high ball on a pass to a d-person now)…..Speaking of keeping streaks alive….Captain Emily scored the fifth goal in a shutout win, so that’s another game winning goal per Izzy’s math….and Maurice comes as advertised, a sniping goal scorer….after committing to a half season with WTP, Fleming (with one “m”!) showed up for a few shifts, finally….Ryann the Ref was quick to point out all 6 of the Vandoos and their FA crease violations made it very tough to ref.

Quick Shifts Another Hasek Clip: Thanks Sky Fighters, for giving us a reason to pull this clip. (Okay I cannot find the video but his quote is in there somewhere)

Crisis: Averted!


Rehabs 4 @ P Machine 2

Les Habitants – JoeyBats (8), Monique R (4), Cherie x2 (9)

Goalie Win – Eric R (6-3, GAA of 2.22)

Les Separitists – Mike M (4), Brian S (6)

Goalie Loss – RJ Fuzz Co. (4-4, GAA of 1.50)

Game Notes: Brian Sulli has a 4 game goal scoring streak and decided to sit out from his team’s Fake Zog playoff game so he can snap it in OC, instead #We’reGoingBlackTopStreaking!!!

Quick Shifts: Did JoeyBats bring free food for half time??? I picked the wrong 6pm game to ref!

What’s for Dinner: The Montreal Pool Room doesn’t have pool tables anymore, but still serves poutine around Montreal’s Red Light District (that’s like a hockey red light reference, right?)


Fuzz 6 @ Rut Rot 2

Fuzz – Mike “told you he’d be in the lead” Teets x3 (20), RNV (9), Gil x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Coach (12-1-1, GAA of 2.29)

Gut Rot – Akhil x3 2 (8 maybe make it 9?)

Goalie Loss – Eddy the Eagle (4-7, GAA sure looks like the aftermath of a Pizza line drubbing against the Laughs too)

Game Notes: Chadwick found Rut Rot funny so we let that typo go through our peer editing review prior to “print”….and I wasn’t sure where to link these in my post, but since they was a no goal controversy (not really, it didn’t go in and the goal was immaterial given the 5 or 6 goal differential at the time, so any error was de minimis #AbovePerformanceMateriality #Immaterial #AuditorProudDay2018) I’ll ask it here;

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

How about 3 on 3 in BTSH?

Quick Shifts: I’ll start the GoFundMe to bring back Bob W for video review!

Crisis: Averted!



How to Goalie

I’ve seen a lot of goalies in and out of the lineup lately, so for those who need to fill in on Sunday, here’s some quick pointers…


1.  Hug your post

Now that is how to hug a post. No BS VH or Reverse VH method.


2. Keep your fivehole closed.

Those legs were more open than a 5 dollar Corlears Park Hooker. That is not star worthy.


3. Stay big in there and challenge the shooter.



Tweets of the Week

Someone asked that they be featured in the Tweets this week. And that we did (naturally, we roasted them). #DoubleClick

Tompkins Square Riots at What the Puck – 12:30 pm, EAST
by Izzy

The Riots are not to be overlooked as they have impressive wins this season against the powerhouse Cobra Kai and surging Dark Rainbows.  Despite last week’s hiccup this is the time of year when News Hour Mac’s rebellious burgundy brutes crank it up a notch or four.  Plus, league underrated, but team appreciated, Kevin on defense has one of the most destructive inbound shots.

The Pucks can’t afford to be careless with Mega right on their heels.

We’re not sure which Pucks team is going to show up this Sunday.  And no, we don’t mean what line combinations they’ll come up with out of their 20+ players.  What we do mean is that the latest scuttlebutt coming out their clubhouse is that Susie and the gang are already looking forward to Hockey Beach next weekend.  (And who can blame them?)  With Mega Touch right on their heels for the Division 4 crown they better refocus and smell the salts for this divisional clash with the Riots.

Prediction: game goes to a shootout with Margot being the hero for the Riots, 3-2. [Continue Reading…]

by Cat

The Media has been getting some heat for resting on our laurels, jokes wise. “Why don’t you have any new material?!” they say. Rain fears! Is a hot dog a sandwich! ROTY snubs! Lol shootouts! The most original thing out of the Media in 2018 is filling out a Mad Libs book that Isaac picked up in the checkout line at the Duane Reade. Look, we can’t all be Big Russ and Old Brett (another feud I’m trying to make happen while working on the beef beat) coming up with #newcontent to entertain the masses!

Big TYSM to Greenwald for sending this picture of himself at the Hot Legs competition to illustrate my points

Still, I didn’t major in Creative Writing to not put it to good use – so enjoy these #hottakes I came up with for a blog about a beer league:

Third Star
Sara K from Denim Demons

In spite of the heat and the double-header, the Demons went into Sunday with only three girls: new-Media-sweetheart Tracy, the free-agent-slash-honorary-DD Elaina, and insane-person-who-never-tires Sara. While Tracy and Elaina rotated on forward for their games against both Instant Karma and LBS, Sara played the whole damn time without any shifts.

Meanwhile, my roommate-slash-attendant Paolo (you may have seen him wearing a fringed crop top on the sidelines holding a fan that said “THWORP” – he’s taking custom crop top orders for next year) served me homemade hibiscus iced tea on the sidelines while I complained it was much too hot to only have 5 girls on our bench.

Yes, the Demons did actually lose both their games, but if you wanted Stars for winners only you can get Rich to write them next time!!!!! Sara is a goddamn champ!!!  [Continue Reading…]

By Arya Stark

Karma gave up an early lead but topped the Demons 4-3 in OT.

Cobra Kai proved one preview writer to be genius as they did indeed win a tight 3-2 game over Filthier.  The win along with the late game Poutine loss clinches the division for Cobra Kai and keeps them only one point back of Fuzz with a game in hand.

The LBS beat the Demons 3-1 in a close game featuring enough physical play and stick-work to feature an appearance from angry Eli.  A regulation win over Filthier next week would clinch the top division for Poundtown.

The Rainbows beat Math in OT, giving them their first win streak since a three game streak on September 11th, 18th and 25th of 2016 which covered their last two games of that season and a playoff victory.

Karma won their second game of the day, upsetting heatstroke and the Butchers.  The win keeps them in the 10 spot and in line for a first round bye.

The Fresh Kills pulled away late and beat the Gremlins 5-3 on a slick short side rip from Nick.  No word on where Gabe and Ariel were though some people have floated their own theories.

The Hookers took care of business with a convincing 8-0 win over Cro’s favorite BTSH team, the Riots.  Alas, he scored none of them and tried to avoid touching balls whenever possible.

What The Puck poured it on in the second half, burying the Skyfighters 6-0.  Ball Hogg got the surprise start in net and picked up a shutout.

Mega kept pace with a surprise 3-0 win over a depleted Biters squad.  The win keeps them one point back of WTP in the Southeast Division race with each team having two games left and Mega bearing the slightly tougher schedule.

Alas, there was no fairy tale ending this year as Fuzz took down Gut Rot.  The win keeps them in the top slot although Cobra Kai has a game in hand.  Fuzz clinched their division a few weeks ago.

The Rehabs beat Poutine 4-2 in a tight late game battle.  Cherie buried a couple while Sully had one for Poutine.  The win moves the Rehabs all the way up to the #5 seed in my totally unofficial and unverified league standings, which I have added below.  This is not guaranteed to be accurate in any way.  Game in hand means they’ve played 15 games as opposed to the 16 that most teams have completed by now.  Poutine still has extra games over everyone as they’ve only played 14.

Unofficial Standings (follow at your own risk)
1 – Fuzz
2 – Cobra Kai (game in hand on Fuzz)
3 – LBS
4 – Filthier
5 – Rehabs
6 – Fresh Kills (game in hand)
7 – Poutine (two games in hand)
8 – Biters
9 – Gremlins (game in hand)
10 – Karma
11 – Hookers (game in hand)
12 – WTP
13 – Mega
14 – Butchers (game in hand)
15 – Math
16 – Sky Fighters (game in hand)
17 – Gut Rot
18 – Demons (game in hand)
19 – Rainbows (game in hand)
20 – Riots

I’m preparing these in between chell games here at my friend’s place in the 6IX (see video linked below if you don’t know which city that is) before watching some tennis by York University. Hopefully we won’t get too close to Jane and Finch, but I did successfully make it through 4 months living in Weston so these box scores should hopefully be finalized before Sunday unless my work laptop is robbed by Roberts point (Suns out, guns out = snipe = gun = snipe = Roberts = NEWMAN).


Well, we made it (finally…!) On to the box scores…


FK 1 @ ‘biters 3

FK – Gabe (7)

Goalie Loss – Patty B (6-3-1, GAA of 2.40)

GANK – Probert x2 (18), Chris B (4)

Goalie Win – Timmy B (4-2 and shortly 4-3, GAA of 2.00 but rising)

Game Notes: Are Fresh Kills just lulling us all into a false sense of security? Yes, just remember that win against Rehabs just a few short weeks ago! (Oh look, such detailed box scores, much wow).



Gut Rot 2 @ Rainbows 5

Bitzez – #AkhilNation (6), Ramon S (7)

Goalie Loss – Ed “just post my GAA already” P (4-7, GAA of 3 point Johnny T)

Rainbows – Dan C via FA, Michael “I don’t always score – since I play for Rainbows – but when I do, I score in bunches” Yetter x2 (4), Juan-Karl-0 Stanton (2), Kat “Dragon” C (1)

Goalie Win – David “#myHotLegs2018” G (2-9, GAA of 3.33)

Game Notes: Greenwald emailed me the game sheet for his own game. Which I thought was odd, but then I presumed the inevitable, a defeat for the Gut Rot at the hands of some Dank Rainbows.

Quick Shifts: Did Rainbows just replace Gut Rot as league sweethearts? (I just threw up a little in my mouth typing that, but I’m sure that’s related to my travel and not typing out that preceding sentence)



‘biters 1 @ Fuzz 4 (game started Week 13, 17 minutes completed on Sunday from 2-1 Fuzz)

GANK – Probert (was his 15th, still at 17)

Goalie Loss – Timmy B (4-3, GAA of 2.29)

Fuzz! – Miles x3 (completed hat trick on Sunday for his 15th), Mike Teyt (16)

Goalie Win – Coach (10-1-1, GAA of 2.42)

Game Notes: There was little shade to be thrown around on Sunday, hopefully everyone had some sunscreen on.



Math 1 @ Fuzz 3

Math – Zach of the Norri Clan (3)

Goalie Loss – David L (3-8, GAA of whatever a gallon is, in litres)

Fuzz – Mike Teyt (17), Jeff x2 (16)

Goalie Win – Coach (11-1-1, GAA of 2.31)

Game Notes in a Meme:

The new dank meme in Mathland. Unfortunately last time I checked the standings, Fuzz wasn’t and isn’t straight trash (although they might have been alluded to as such, in reference to 2017 standings in a previous box score post, when Hicks played for them last year). They were straight dehydrated on Sunday, however.

Quick Shifts: Since Fuzz now have three players with more than 15 goals…is that the equivalent of having three 40 (or 50?!) goal scorers in the show?



Demons 3 @ Riots 1

Demons – Rubens (1), Zach “he be” Fein (5), Brian Bats (1)

Goalie Win – Zach L (3-7-1, GAA of 3.18)

Riots – David “Danton’s Favourite Agent” Frost (3)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (3-9-1)



Mega Clutch 2 @ DaPucks 0

Mega – Jeff “The B stands for Brains and Brawn” B (8), Jeff “The H doesn’t stand for Height” H (4)

Goalie Shutout Win: Tuckman (4-7-1, 2nd Shutout)

Goalie Loss – Scott H (5-8, GAA of 3 point Ovi)

Game Notes: Shelly, Alex EM and Tuckman (but mostly Shelly as she played the whole game) fended off DaPucks for what is probably a franchise record (low) 5th shutout this season (after not being shutout all of last year) in a high event hockey game that saw Jeff B and Eric D take it to WTP all game with their dump and chase gameplan. Jeff showed WTP what it looks like if you play big out there in Orange (and White and Black) a la Eric Lindros, being the clear difference maker with his GwG midway through the second frame. He also made sure to knock over Bagel Zac as he tried one of his not for the faint of the Brooklyn heart post-up power moves, making him look like a Beta Soy Boy in the process (this bit is just included so Hicks can get a laugh; the integrity of the statement is as accurate as saying Sig knocked down some ‘biters to get the shady side of the courts on Sunday). The B in Bagel stands for Beta.

Trending: Scott leaves for a couple weeks in August and left his best effort out there on court on Sunday, making numerous miraculous (how did that not go in?) saves in the first half to keep it scoreless at the break but the goose egg was not to be as Mega finally broke through in the second half and never looked back.

Northern Lingo: Will Arnett would say that Julie was totally being a goal suck. She could have at least tried some deking. (Again, this passage is just to post the link, and is as accurate as saying that the Shortis snubbed me off their OCMD roster…I would have defected anyways)



Rehabs 2 @ Pounds 6

Rehabs – Brian “I only screen for sunscreen” Hicks (5), Andy “Bathgate” M (2)

Goalie Loss – Eric R (5-3, GAA of 2.25)

Pounds – #NotTheOriginalScottyK x3 (18), Jake “Charlie” Chaplin (4), Ajay “Anze” G x2 (3)

Goalie Win – Sizzler (7-3-2, GAA of 1.92)

Game Notes: Why did the other Div 1 teams plan their weeks off against Los Blancos this year?



Gremlins 1 @ Poos 4

Gremlins – “Inanimate Carbon” Rod (2)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (8-4-2, GAA of 2.07)

Poutine – John C x2 (4), Mike “I really hope we got the name right” Pelt (4), Brian “Recently got a haircut” Sulli (5)

Goalie Win – Teddy (2-0, GAA of 2)

Game Notes: If you’re a fan of the water (who isn’t if they live in the NY Metro?) and up for some seafood on your curds, Garde Manger in Old Montreal is known for its Lobster Poutine.

Quick Shifts: Casilli looked like Casillas out there as Jerome might say, looking to be in champions league like top drawer footy hockey form with two snipes early in this game….Sulli is now not only rocking a new do but a 3 game goal scoring streak….Walker was a minus 2 early, but good thing they play – oh nevermind, don’t look at next Sunday’s game, it might not get any better.



Kai 3 @ Karma 2 (F/OT)  

CK –Liam (8), Rachel “I’ll just tie it up late and then score a not quite controversial OT winner” Longley x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Campbell “the W stands for Win” Weaver (10-0-2, GAA of 1.08)

IK – “S”Cory V (5), Brianna V (5)

Goalie OT Loss – Steve F (3-6-1)

Game Notes: Looking ahead to 2019 after such a controversial goal to end this game, Friedman’s presser after the game went a little like this.

Quick Shifts: When told that CK won in OT, our CK beat reporter asked if the final score was 3-2, (since we know they haven’t let in more than that, sans shootouts, all season). Campbell was reportedly shocked (where is that Photo from the OCMD Crab Shack when you need it?) when we got it spot on, but what else is new?

Trending: Outside of Week 4 (Brianna) and Week 5 (Cory), Brianna and Cory have markers in the same games, respectively – weeks 2, 3, 11, and 15 are no anomaly!



Filthier 3 @ Butchers 1

Filthier – OP James x2 (13), Sunny (14)

Goalie Win – Tim K (12-3, GAA of 1.80)

Butchers – SUPER DAVE (3)

Goalie Loss – Ed P via Gut Rot BITZES an approved League Sub?

Game Notes: SUPER (fka Fast) Dave hit thirty speed on Sunday. (American English LINK)

Quick Shifts: If we had a segment going over the errors in our posts, we’d note that we had Tim for win 10 twice last week and that he was 11-3 and now 12-3, hence the inconsistency between write ups.



Sky Fighters 2 @ Corlears Hookers 0

Sky – James McQ (8), Amanda A via FA (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – OG James (3-8-1, 2nd Shutout)

Goalie Loss – Dustin (5-5-1, GAA of 2.17)

Game Notes: RNV noted that there was a foot in the crease calling back a goal for the Hookers, not that you wouldn’t have heard about that already! #FactualNews



Tweets of the Week

Bobby Luu gets a feature for Week 15, well not really a true feature as we could never do his great social media work any justice on this BTSH “segment”. #DoubleClick