by Arya Stark

Welcome to the 2018 Midseason Power Rankings.  If you can believe it, we’re already halfway through the season.  Goals, saves, sandwich debates, rain fears, video review controversy, boxed wine, unprotected sex – save for tasteful fence shoving, 2018’s really had it all.  And we still haven’t even gotten to the Olympics, although to be fair Becca may never make it there either way.

The methodology for this ranking was simple: nine people filled out a poll (10 if you count Chadwick’s ranking which was Karma #1 and a 19-way tie for 2nd), and the results were aggregated.  Some people chose not to rank their own teams which meant those teams received only eight votes to average; some people didn’t rank the bottom teams because they’re not as heartless as I am.  One person, who’s like-to-retweet ratio on Twitter has raised some suspicion that he’s actually a Russian bot, submitted a series of three way ties, essentially sorting the teams into tiers.  Some didn’t give feedback; others made comments on all teams.  Some were really nice and generous; others were named Rich Glnzr.  All in all, we were able to put this together and even got some bonus hot-takes thrown in for a future column.  Read, enjoy, bitch.  That last word was a verb, not a noun.  Let’s do this.

LBS makes a return to the top of the Power Rankings.

1) LBS Inc (8-1-0)

Besides an early season loss to Karma, the LBS have been firing on all cylinders. The past two games were tight, playoff-type wins; every other one has been by three or more goals. Scotty and Karsten are both top five in scoring, their ladies have already tripled last season’s female goal total, and Sizzler’s been far more protective of his net than he is of his bedroom. The only question that matters: can they keep it up in the playoffs?

Average Ranking: 1.11
Standings Position: 1st
Goal Differential: 1st
Highest Ranking: 1st
Lowest Ranking: 2nd
First Place Votes: 7

What They’re Saying:

“Karsten and Scotty are beasts, Ali’s smile could melt the coldest of hearts, and Mr PJs is good for a shootout tuck once in a while.  Sizzler makes saves he should not be able to make while Agassi is real strong on the blue line (but is vulnerable to chirps).” – Will

“Have been dominant with an incredibly difficult strength of schedule.” – Probie

“Their captain is so damn sexy.” – Commonly heard on Sundays [Continue Reading…]

In this BTSH Father’s Day segment, 23 and Mia
honors four fellas experiencing this Sunday as first time fathers.

Maybe it’s competition that turns them on. Or maybe it’s the lure of so much spandex. Whatever the reason, this squad got busy with their league partners and recently created tiny humans: Schuie from the Ankle Biters, Gut Rot’s Dave W, Creamy from the Butchers and Math’s James B.

What is the name of your baby and when were they born?

Baby girl Schuie aka Willa, May 15th, 2018
Baby girl Dave aka Evelyn, July 22, 2017
Baby boy Creamy aka Oscar, April 9th, 2018
Baby boy James aka Murray, January 16th, 2018 [Continue Reading…]

by Richiehero

What a week at BTSH. The All-Star Game was back and now we know why we stopped having one. God hates the Anklebiters and made it rain, ruining their Black Panther party. At least that was the vibe throughout the day…as team after team pulled a Rubens and either didn’t bother showing or just quit.

But much like Math’s defense, the waters receded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AconZHeXeF8) and the following Heroes emerged.

Third Star
Tia Captain of Winning All Star Team

Sweet, young innocent Tia maybe isn’t so sweet and innocent after all. After each goal her team scored, she had them taunting the other team by taking pictures, rowing, doing the limbo etc. Now that the Rainbows are winners, it’s going to be a long season for the rest of you foos. [Continue Reading…]

I was not at the courts on Sunday, but lucky for you, we had fresh game sheets (as of Week Ocho!) to codify the All Star Sunday that was. I also figured out the trick to the strikethrough font on WordPress. Should there be any inconsistencies, Team Stats pages will be reconciled by end of the week, we hope.

 

Filthier 3 @ 1 and 34 cents USD’s 4 Bucks

Filther – James P (6), JJ (2), Sunny (7)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (6-3, 1 Shutout, GAA of 1.78)

Brexit Currency – Nick R (2), Jason (1), ScottyK (11), Avery (2)

Goalie Win – Sizzler (7-1, 2 Shutouts, GAA of 1.50)

Game Notes: Avery probably stole the ball from Sasha (probably) on the GwG

Scratch that, he stole it from Heather taking a conference call at mid-court. Yeah that stick is a little high, it’s above the equator of AlokNation

 

Gremlins 2 @ Continued Karnage 0

Gremlins – Erich (13), Alexandra “Salt Bro #2” Rockoff (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Jamie B (6-2-1, 2 Shutouts, GAA of 1.89)

Goalie Loss – Steve F (2-4, 1 Shutout)

Game Notes: Karma continues down a path of no return to battle for a Michaliga Southeast division spot in 2019 with the Demons, should the latter team ever decide to play any of their future or currently rained out contests

 

Cobra Kai 2 @ Riots 3 (OT/LOL SHOOTOUTS)

Cobra Kai – Paul “Dustin” Brown (4), Liam (5)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Campbell (6-0-2, 2 Shutouts, GAA of I’m no longer keeping track of the true extra time in OT for GAA, 1.13)

Riots – Margot ? (1), David Frost (1)

Shootout Winner – Mike Danton’s favourite** player agent (“not”)

Goalie Shootout Win – Dave GdR (1-6-1)

Game Notes: I was told Russ was saving his goal for 2018 for the Riots but he only channeled the pre 2018 capitals in the shootout (not that that would have counted as a goal, unless it was the winner, kind of) and miraculously choked

Quick Shifts: Paul Brown recorded the first Gordie Howe hat-trick of the season; because Sam Norris doesn’t track assists, it’s neither official nor confirmed (1 goal, 1 five minute penalty – close enough to a fighting major). Bring forth your angry emoji, GLNZR.

LeL shootouts again sir.

 

Butchers @ Fresh Kills – Rain out

Game Notes: Fresh Kills just wanted to make the power rankings more ambiguous by deciding to not make the trip down to TSP on Sunday.

 

Demons @ Poutine – Rain out

Game Notes: Something on the game sheet probably needs to be corrected, regardless of the game being rained out.

 

Rehabs 4 @ Anklebiters 1

REEEhabs – (B)Ryan McC(abe) x3 (3), Cherie (6)

Goalie Win – Eric “Did not have to sit him for 2 minutes” Ramirez (4-1, 2 Shutouts, GAA of 1.40)

‘Biters – Ben P (13)

Goalie Loss – Craig LaC (4-2, 1 Shutout, GAA of 2.50)

Game Notes: Hicks, even though he loves everyone in the league, still clearly needs a demo on using his True A6 series. But since I shoot left, please take in the following Pavel Barber tutorial for all you backwards shooting-right handed american folk.

 

Dark Rainbows 0 @ Gut Rot 3

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-6)

Gut Rot – Ramon x2 (4), Becca (1)

Goalie Win – Ed P (2-4, 1st Shutout, GAA of further mean reversion, slowly but surely, it will be explicitly reported in a writeup, we he hopes)

Game Notes: I wonder who Jess D decided to not shake hands with after this shutout loss. Not to say she isn’t a good sport, relatively speaking. No offense! It’s also nice to see some Rainbows come to the bar now that they’ve won a game (they no longer feel the need to hang out practice on random rooftops somewhere in the NYC burroughs)

Quick Shifts: Becca truly earned her all star game nomination by finally scoring a goal this season, albeit, an empty netter, however I guess it counts for more than Liz’s does when she subbed in against the Riots.

“What do we do with our hands when we aren’t losing a game?”

 

CaNucks 3 @ Mega Deuce

Pucks – Susie (3), Paul P (6), Noah C (1)

Goalie Win – Scott H (2-5)

Mega – Alex EMey (3), Julie (3)

Goalie Loss – Mike T (2-6)

Game Notes: I was told that Susie’s goal was allowed because Julie scored. This was a Sam Norris email chain I was in on, but still don’t fully understand the inside joke. Bring some more angry emoji, GLNZR.

NJ/Vegas Betting Lines: Both states asked that BTSH betting lines to be momentarily banned after noting that the “best player in this matchup” was never appropriately listed as “resting at home for a meaningless out of town tournament with a team of ringers the following weekend” aka OUT of the lineup. Game previews will have to be revisited going forward…

WTP IR Report

“Dude” – no longer drowning in pitcher dousage

Justin SM-Liga – no longer pinot poisoned

Eric – day to day with crypto bear market tendonitis

Zac – out indefinitely with post traumatic sprain disorder / swollen ankle recovery soreness

Susie – concussion like symptons from the light headedness caused from the europhoria of leading the team in goals (after Paul “John Scott All Star Nominee of 2018” P)

Banner Year for Susie – can’t stop scoring

 

Hookers @ BLUE SKIES – Rain out

Rain out Notes: I always thought that Cro was a Genwunner but he’s clearly living in the third gen of Pokemon where the effect Drizzle lasts for the entirety of the battle game day.

No Quick Shifts: The US labour** participation rate lags 4 percent behind the OECD member nations’ but at least it’s higher than the Hookers’ participation attendance record thus far in 2018. Their unemployment free agency/waiver wire rate is clearly deflated.

 

Fuzz 7 @ Lil’Maths 2

Fuzz – RNV (8), Mike “Why are you asking in a power ranking poll if someone else will win the goal scoring title?” Teyt x2 (11), Miles H (9), Who’s your [Vlad]dy (1), Gil (4), Alyssa (1)

Goalie Win – Eitan via #RosterHimAfterCoachRetires

Math – James Bobblehead (2), Sam “We’re [not] getting hot at the right time” Norris (2)

Goalie Loss – David L (1-5)

Game Notes: Math are really showing their “we don’t care about the regular season” attitude lately and Ryann picks up a respectible BTSH hat-trick with a goal, disallowed goal, and a beer at the bar after the game (presumably), or at least while watching the All Star game.

Quick Shifts: RIP to Liang’s GAA.

 

All-Star Game Notes (OT/DizzyBats)

Game Notes: The ending of the game was uninterrupted by an early sunset or some TV show that I don’t watch and cannot remember if it was some finale or season premier, like in 2017. Meh.

Team D’Arcy Tucker (that little Mofo’er) Divisions Southeast 1 and Southeast 4 8

Avery scored, probably, and is now annoyed Alex made him stay the extra 6 hours to play in what he thought would be a serious all-star game

Paul made sure to hang out with his bff, the crease, some more

VS

Team Fairy Tale Cup Divisions Southeast 2 and Southeast 3 8

With his/herr new look, Rockoff secured some digits on Sunday evening (for his client’s 2019 contract)

GLNZR was burned on a Cherie breakaway effort

 

Overheard from TSP:

“Caaaaaaaaawwwwww. Mine. Mine. Mine.” – Tia

“Dizzy Bats was the bees knees” – Julie

“The All Star Fuzz 5:30 game sucks” – Jeff, somewhere in NJ, playing real playoff ball hockey

HE’S IN THE CREASE REF

 

Lee’s asking the crowd to sit if you think a hotdog is a sandwich.

 

Sharif after throwing someone into the corner plank/boards, All Star game edition

 

 

Week 9 in Tweets

Made a few up on the spot. Enjoy your weekend away from the courts! #DoubleClick

Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals are Stanley Cup Champions.  Pause. Let that sink in. And now read it again. Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals are Stanley Cup Champions!

It was okay to believe.  Now it is okay to exhale.

Back in 2008 when the Caps went on an improbable run late in the season to win their division and then the President’s Trophy in 2010, it seemed inevitable that they would soon hoist the Cup.  Then the years following were a stretch of heart-shattering disappointment, pain, playoff misery, dumb trades and trade debates, a GM change and a couple different bench bosses. After another early playoff exit in 2017, the Caps winning the Cup had become a fantasy, a dream and an infuriating league joke. [Continue Reading…]