SQUIRT AMBOY, NJ–Tensions were thick and skins were thin at Diet Slice Arena last night as two brawlers prepared to bridge the Citric Schism once and for all– the century-old debate over the use of lemons in Lime-Toss. On the side of “progress,” as he termed it– or “dilution” to his opponents: Sonny “Tartar Control” Listerine, wrist deep in resplendent Lisbon lemons. Representing the traditionalist view was Johnny “Fruit Punch” Walker-Black, strutting into the ring chanting “Limes for all times,” and thus whipping his supporters into a frappe of liminal ecstasy. 
  
The separate sides submitted this sanctioned skirmish would stifle the strife, settle the seething, and squash the squabble. 

The night would end badly for Listerine.

Like a man incensed, the emerald-handed Walker-Black dominated the pugilistic showdown from the starting bell. In fourteen minutes of frantic fisticuffs, Listerine landed nary a blow. Subjected to a withering harvest of tangy taps, juicy jabs, and fructose-fingered uppercuts, the lemon-lovin’ upstart fell by knockout seconds before the end of the fifth round, his face and neck dripping with rutaceous angiosperm.

The only other casualty of the night were the limes on Walker-Black’s hands, destroyed by his own fury. Sports reporter Howard Cosell was heard to remark on the scene, “I’ve seen a man beaten to a pulp, but never before have I seen a man beaten by a pulp.”

As the referee ended the bout, Listerine’s manager seized the ring mic and shouted, “Johnny Walker-Black has clearly been juicing.” The judges were unmoved and ruled unanimously in favor of Fruit Punch, thus cementing that most controversial of Lime-Toss rules for all time. 

Asked to comment on his defeat, the felled fighter could only shake his head and quip, “It was the best of limes, it was the worst of limes.”  

“That’s why they call it Lime-Toss, bitch,” Walker-Black shot back. “I dangle like a Sweet lime, but I sting like a Key.” 

Though lemons are now officially outlawed in Lime-Toss, debate remains stalled over Fukushu kumquats.

–excerpted from the Daily Squirter of New Jersey, printed Sept. 24, 1965

Photo credit: Weegee Z. Norris