Better luck in four years…

LBS Goes Corporate
When you’re an elite conglomerate like LBS is, simply being called a “team” is not enough.  LBS is far more than a loose a collection of hipsters who get together on Sundays like the rest of BTSH.  Instead, their ranks include stock brokers, government officials, and other community leaders who you aspire to be.  As such, the board of directors of LBS has declared that–effectively immediately–you must now refer to them as LBS, Inc.  Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin explains, “We’re more than just a team.  We’re a brand…a brand that people widely recognize as the gold standard of BTSH.  Kind of like Mr. Clean.”  As a result of this change in marketing direction, captain Sascha Puritz shall now be known as the CEO, Karsten Pichon shall be the CFO, Molly Jacobs shall be the Vice President of West Coast Operations, and Sam Anthony shall be the Director of Investor Relations.  Seth Wachtell has been reassigned to the mail room.

Next Time El Guapo Will Have To Use The Buddy System
After a slow start to the season, Gouging Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue decided to boost morale with a team trip to the Bronx Zoo. However, what began as a fun day trip to escape the stresses of hockey finished as a catastrophe. Almost immediately, since he had no adult supervision, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri separated from the group and was lost. Fortunately, a helpful zookeeper found him, so Donohue could (reluctantly) recover his teammate in the lost and found. The normally reticent Charles DeFranco had to be ejected from the premises after getting into a twenty minute shouting match with Sven, the chimpanzee. Amy Kovner also had her share of misfortune as she became a tad overzealous at the snake pit and fell in. Thankfully, the snakes were not poisonous. The day ended when the Anklebiters fled the zoo, after Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner accidentally unlocked the lion cage.  They are not welcome to return.

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Brian Barrett
Team: LBS, Inc.
Nickname: Grandmaster B
Suggested Nickname: B-Squared
Rejected Nicknames: Stinky, Weasel, Buddy, Screech, Ski
Origin: Suffern, NY
College: Siena College
Early Aspirations: To escape the dull, suburban streets of Suffern and pursue a lucrative hip-hop career
Hero: Vanilla Ice
Reason to Love Him: He’s a big fan of the blog.
Reason to Hate Him: He has most likely grabbed your ass (we’re talking to both genders here).
Fast Fact: Brian scored a perfect 1600 on his SATs.
Favorite Things: New York Jets, Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, lacrosse
Favorite Historical Marker: Rochambeau Encampment, at Lafayette and Washington Avenues in Suffern, NY
Best Known For: Joining forces with Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri to form the most despised team in league history
Hockey Comparison: Mike Komisarek
Non-Hockey Comparison: Wooderson
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: He likes to wear a baseball cap while playing.
Down the Road: Brian rejoins forces with Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri to form a new team named “Haterade”.  Also on the team are the following players: Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri, “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau, Gina Hackett, Rachel “A-Korn” Greene, Albert “Al” Huang, Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst, Peter Oblamski, Eli Kazin, Derek Tagliarino, and Minkus as the goalie.  They finish third in their inaugural season after half the team is suspended by Schuie (who was not let on the team).

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: As the only two females in uniform, Jennifer Nedbalsky and Elizabeth Moy were on the court from start to finish.
Cobra Kai: Ara “6-1-9″ Arnn registered his first BTSH point with an assist.
Corlears Hookers: Kelly Buchanan showed up to cheer on her teammates…”and everyone who wore a helmet“.
Dark Rainbows: “K.C. Fisher gets the commendation for getting out of the kitchen.” - Sean Reynolds
Denim Demons: Emily Carson played her first game ever in the monsoon.
Filthy Gorgeous: Chris Baker, because “four near misses are almost as good as a goal”, according to Monica Russo.
Fresh Kills: “Patty Fernandez can never play, but she played today.” - Amy Jones
Gouging Anklebiters: Jenny Miyasaki “drew first blood”.
Happy Little Elves: Marc Surchin told captain Ben Chadwick that Chadwick played a great game.  The Elves’ fearless captain freely admits that this commendation is self-serving, but since the game was a blowout, he will take what he can get.
LBS: Erica Lee was the only active female in attendance for LBS, and thus, played the whole game.
Mathematics: Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi played a surprisingly decent game, despite biking all the way from Fort Greene in the rain.
Mexican Standoff: “I want to thank the LBS for playing in the rain and down a woman.” - Jefferson Hendricks
Mighty Squirrels: Mike Mincieli thought Mary Simons had a good game, and Rachel “A-Korn” Greene agrees.
Rehabs: Rob Nitschke from the Happy Little Elves lent his goalie pads to Hector “ShowT!m3″ Melendez.
Sky Fighters: Patrick Borelli actually came to the game.
Unicorns: Courtney ran into the swamp behind the net without hesitation.
What The Puck: Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz sported new goalie pads.

Filthy Gorgeous 6, Happy Little Elves 0
Filthy Gorgeous: Matt Novick 3 (5), Joseph Pereira (6), Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon (5), Suvin “The Guru” Malik (4)
Shutout: Dan Owens (1)

LBS 6, Mexican Standoff 5 (OT-SO)
LBS: Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin 2 (6), Karsten Pichon (11), Tom Capatosta (4), Jason Bogdaneris (2)
Mexican Standoff: Gary Cohen (3), Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette (2), Len Guinto (2), Jefferson Hendricks (2), Hannah Stark (1)
Shootout: LBS wins, 2-0.  Successful attempts by Karsten Pichon and Sam Anthony.
Game Notes: Mexican Standoff rallied from a 4-0 deficit and scored twice in the final five minutes of regulation to force overtime.  Despite showing up to support her team (in Mexican Standoff’s colors), LBS captain Sascha Puritz did not play due to an apparent “ankle injury”.  She looks fine to us.

Gouging Anklebiters 6, Bad Touch 0
Gouging Anklebiters: Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri 4 (5), Phil “Sandy” Donohue (5), Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (3)
Shutout: Alex Owen (1)

What The Puck 4, Fresh Kills 2
What The Puck: Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth 2 (9), Corey “Chongo” Winters (10), Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman (4)
Fresh Kills: “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser (5), Patrick Moore (3)

Denim Demons 3, Sky Fighters 2 (OT)
Denim Demons: Micael Holmstrom 2 (7), Jeff Kamen (4)
Sky Fighters: Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker (2), Imraan Farukhi (1)
Game Notes: Jeff Kamen scored the game-tying goal with thirty seconds remaining in regulation with the goalie pulled.  Happy birthday to Denim Demons’ Abby Meisterman, whose birthday is today (June 30).

Rehabs 1, Mathematics 0
Rehabs: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala (3)
Shutout: Hector “$howT!m3″ Melendez (1)
Game Notes: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala scored the game-winning goal with eight minutes left in the game.

Unicorns 2, Dark Rainbows 1
Unicorns: Mark (5), Caitlin (1)
Dark Rainbows: John Nielsen (10)
Game Notes: Caitlin had the game-winning goal with one minute to go in regulation.  In an odd coincidence, this is the second consecutive year she scored a late winner while Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s parents were in attendance.

Mighty Squirrels 2, Cobra Kai 1
Mighty Squirrels: Eric Breitman (3), Miky Wolf (1)
Cobra Kai: Ray “Domino” Chan (3)

Corlears Hookers 2, Tuques 1
Corlears Hookers: Jason Eitel 2 (8)
Tuques: Bill Monahan (6)
Game Notes: Zack Tinkleman of Denim Demons played goalie for the Tuques.

I wanted to thank everyone who played in or donated to the third annual American Cancer Society Street Hockey Tournament on April 19th. I especially wanted to thank everyone who helped pull off this event – there are too many to mention. It was 6 teams, 80+ players and a lot of hockey.

We raised over $3,200 this year and our three year cumulative total is just shy of $10,000. With company matching, I’m sure we’ve raised even more. Stay tuned for next year’s tournament, and I hope to see you there.

Ed

GAME OF THE WEEK
Dark Rainbows (7-2) vs. Unicorns (4-5)
Location: Moffo, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 4-2
Game Notes: This game represents the second leg in the battle for the prestigious Fairy Tale Cup.  In the first leg, the Dark Rainbows soundly defeated the Happy Little Elves 4-0.  Thus, with the Rainbows currently in possession of the (imaginary) trophy, they only need a tie to keep it.  However, this will be no easy task, as the Rainbows’ star goalie, Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell is still sidelined with a shoulder injury.  In addition, the Unicorns are coming off of one of their best efforts of the season, a 6-1 defeat of the Bad Touch.  Although the Unicorns are hovering around a .500 record, a win over the defending league champions could prove that they are for real.
Keys to the Game:
1. The Dark Rainbows have used two different backup goalies thus far: Sean Reynolds and John Nielsen.  Depending on whom they choose, they will lose either one of the league’s top defenders in Reynolds or top scorers in Nielsen.
2. Although the Unicorns boast an extremely balanced scoring attack, Nelson currently leads the team with six goals, which includes a hat trick last week.
3. An unconfirmed source is reporting that Unicorns goalie Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s herpes has flared up again.  Whether this clears up by Sunday’s game and how much it will affect his play remain to be seen.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  The cup stays with them for another year.
Derek’s Pick: Unicorns.  Another week without White Jesus is too much for the Rainbows to overcome.

Mighty Squirrels (5-0-3) vs. Cobra Kai (3-5-1)
Location: Corlears North, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mighty Squirrels lead 3-0
Game Notes: Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene and Cobra Kai captain Peter Oblamski were busy in the offseason.  With both captains recruiting a new goalie for their respective teams, the Squirrels and the Dojo are shells of their former selves.  Greene has the Squirrels undefeated, while Oblamski has Cobra Kai on pace for their best season yet.
Eli’s Pick: Mighty Squirrels.  This is one of the most underappreciated rivalries in BTSH.
Derek’s Pick: Mighty Squirrels

Tuques (3-5) vs. Corlears Hookers (6-1)
Location: Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 1-0
Game Notes: These two teams have a very intertwined history, as Corlears stars Albert “Al” Huang, Brendan “Dutch” Kearney, and Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney are all former Tuques.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers

Fresh Kills (4-4-0-1) vs. What The Puck (6-2-0-1)
Location: Moffo, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 6-5-1
Game Notes: After a slow start, Fresh Kills rides a three game winning streak into this game.  Conversely, What The Puck has sputtered after an extremely hot start, losing their last three.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  I just can’t see them losing four straight.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  They still have the components of a chamionship-caliber squad.

Happy Little Elves (1-7-1) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (6-2-1)
Location: Corlears North, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Although this is just their first matchup, tensions between the Happy Little Elves and Filthy Gorgeous are already simmering.  The feud began in week 6, when an anonymous member of Filthy Gorgeous pulicly criticized the Elves’ new jerseys by saying, “That’s the same color we had in 2006.  Then we realized it was really ugly.”  Obviously, Filthy Gorgeous will not be wearing their throwback uniforms for the game.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  The Elves’ ship sinks even deeper without it’s Barnacle.

Sky Fighters (5-3) vs. Denim Demons (5-0-1-1)
Location: Corlears South, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Denim Demons lead 3-2
Game Notes: Due to “rain fears”, this will be the Demons’ first game in three weeks.  Will they be rested or rusty?
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.  Rested.

Mathematics (3-6) vs. Rehabs (5-1-1-1)
Location: Corlears North, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 1-0-1
Game Notes: While the Mathematics like to consider themselves a blue-collar, lunch pail type of team, Rehabs captain Bryan “Stork” Welch is all business as he leads his band of blue bloods into battle.

LBS (6-2-1) vs. Mexican Standoff (1-6-2)
Location: Corlears South, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS leads 4-0
Game Notes: With memories of Mexican Standoff’s infamous Beach Day in 2006 still lingering, LBS should have no problems getting motivated for this matchup.  Standoff captain Jefferson Hendricks looks forward to it.
Eli’s Pick: LBS
Derek’s Pick: LBS.  Karsten Pichon stands a good chance to become BTSH’s leading scorer after this game.

Bad Touch (0-8-1) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (1-8)
Location: Moffo, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 4-4-1
Game Notes: Both of these teams have struggled through the first half of the season.  A win followed by a week off could give the victors the boost they need for the second half.
Eli’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters
Derek’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters

Media Records:
Eli: 46-23
Derek: 43-26