Howdy Neighbors, 
When I said “gimme that sweet that nasty that gushy stuff,” you answered the call. Here is this week’s BTSH caption flava coming just in time for the three day weekend. Winners: Have a marg and show off that freshly waxed skin. Non-winners: Do the very same, these were almost too close to call. 

Apologies to Pete Wilson

Derek: Rich made ‘em!
Ben: Mm-hmmmmm.
Zach: …

Winner: Jerome “Hornswoggle” R.


2nd Place: Ali C.

Gulliver’s Travels: The Sequel


3rd Place: Anonymous (ANNOUNCE THYSELF!)

“Actually, not sure if that’s glaze, since I found these in the Tompkins bathrooms. After Derek used them.”


Honorable mention: Abby M.

“Wow, Ben. I have to say: your balls are so tender.”

“Well, there’s no beating my balls. They’re made from a secret Schweddy family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy balls.”

Side-note: The media policy of using first names and last initials makes everything sound like an AA meeting. [-ed.]

The Right to Play (RTP) Charity Ball Hockey Tournament is back again this year at Mofo Rink on June 18th.  All proceeds benefit Right to Play, a non-profit organization that uses the power of play and sport to educate and empower children facing adversity. 

CNYP Ball Hockey Tournament Flyer
Here are the details:
*When: June 28th
*Time: 8:30am registration, 9:00am puck drop
*Format / Skill Level: Co-Ed / All Ranges
*Location: Rink in Tanahey Park, located at the intersection of Cherry Street and Catherine Street in Lower Manhattan (http://mofohockey.org/about/location/)
*Required Equipment: Stick, Gloves, Eye Protection (i.e. sunglasses)
*How to Sign Up:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/924625737667247/
Website: https://my.righttoplayusa.org/new-york/events/cnyp-charity-ball-hockey-tournament/e79828
*Cost: $35 donation per player or $175 per team
*Format/Teams: There will be 6 teams, each with a minimum of 6 players (including 1 goalie).  If you already have your team lined up, you can register that team (or join that team) by clicking the link above.  If you do not already have a team lined up, please register as an individual and you will be placed on a team. 

If you have any questions, please email Pete Gordon. (pete.gordon@scotiabank.com  or 646-787-7976)

The final format will be subject to how many teams are created based on number of players signed up.

See you out there!

Well BTSHers, we are a third of the way through the 2016 season and overdue for the first Not Three Stars post.  But instead of simply stating that these are the opposite of shining moments from game day, we should call them out for what they really are: a Horse’s Ass.,,,,which is breaking the first rule of our oddball league.  And….we’re off!
Horse's Ass Award
Triple Ass
Rich G. of Fuzz

Foolish little girl.  This is the oldest wrestling in the book.

Foolish little girl. This is the oldest wrestling in the book.

At the beginning of the season Rich made a pact with himself that if he didn’t score a goal within the first third of the season then it would be open season on all the ladies of BTSH.  None of us thought that the ladies had anything to worry about.  I mean, come on, Rich can’t hit the broad side of barn with anything on the line.  Well on Sunday he unloaded one on his BTSH Newsroom colleague Diana M.  Aiming for her cheekbones he predictably missed and connected with her collarbone instead and ricocheting up and off her orbital bone.  Giving her parents who were in attendance a good scare.  That’s our Richiepoothang.  Making friends left and right.

Double Ass
Isaac S. of Instant Karma

And the winner goes to...

And the winner goes to…

Midway through the second half of the match-up against the Riots I got caught up in the moment jostling for position in front of their net.  Their defender went down and then I eventually went down too.  Having a momentary lapse in good judgment I gave him a friendly cross-check in the chest as we were both getting up causing a barrage of Riots to rush over and bring me to my senses.  Tut-tut.  Not the Karma way.  Not the BTSH way.  My head has been hanging in shame since.


Single Ass
Tompkins Square Hawk of Tompkins Square Park

Nobody stops the TSP Hawk.

Nobody stops the TSP Hawk.

Note to everyone in the league that likes to bring their cute little companion to the courts on Sunday, the Hawk has taken an interest in them.  This past Sunday it was seen circling and swooping dangerously low with intent to snatch one of them away.  It has been suggested that we try and capture the Hawk. Really?  You people just don’t get it.  No one stops the Tompkins Square Hawk.  It laughs in the face of all Asses.  So this is your warning: keep your pets close and safe, and when playing – find a babysitter.


Do you know any Horses Asses?  Have you had a run in with a Horses Ass and would like to put him or her on blast this season?  Maybe you’re the Horse’s Ass.  Send your story over to BTSH.Media@gmail.com.  We’d love to hear from you.  Best Ass in show gets an Assy Award at the end of the season for being the greatest Ass of 2016!  We understand that they come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t be shy about sharing yours. ;)

3stars

THIRD STARS

Cory V. of Instant Karma

This weeks' Everyman: Cory V!

This weeks’ Everyman: Cory V!

Cory earned his first BTSH career Hat Trick in the first half of the game against the Riots.  His persistent pursuit of the ball while getting back on defense allowed for him regain possession and find his open teammates (had a sweet primary assist in the second half) and the back of the net.  Cory has been firing on net all season and on Sunday it finally paid off, earning him a young reputation as one of Karma’s new snipers.

Cherie S. of Mathematics

Yeah, these are Puffins. So what?

Yeah, these are Puffins. So what?

Never one to be outdone, Cherie also had a Hat Trick on Sunday.  But hers didn’t come in the first half against Filthier.  With Math up by 1 with less than a minute in the game, Filthy pulled their goalie and tied it up with the extra player.  To everyone involved in this game (playing and watching) it had all the makings of going to overtime…..everyone….. except Cherie, that is.  With 10 seconds left in the game she got a hold of the ball, raced down court and put one past Newman with only 5 seconds left sealing the W! That’s a Riveter for ya.

SECOND STARS
My name is Earl of LBS, Inc. and my son’s name is Earl too

Hi, this is Daryl and my other brother Daryl.

Hi, this is Daryl and my other brother Daryl.

Wanting to make his Poppa proud, Jake was a man possessed on Sunday.  Not 1, not 2, but he scored a Hat Trick too from all over the place against Mega Touch.  But this Star really isn’t about that, its about is about his Poppa…. With Timmy out with another, um, injury the LBS fired up the bat signal for Poppa Jake to suit up and get in the cage.  Poppa Jake is so old school that he used a piece of cardboard with black tape as a chest protector and a wire to hang it around his neck.  Official quote from him, ‘you guys better score a bunch of goals, cause I’m probably going to let a few in.’  His unconventional style of playing outside the crease to challenge shooters got the W for LBS.

FIRST STAR
Ryann G. of Rehabs

These boobs were made for walk'n.

These boobs were made for walk’n.

Well, it seems like Welch and his other Johnnys read the previews last week, because they kept feeding the ball to Ryann all game. Using an assortment of remarkable moves she put 4 past the Hookers net minder.   Re-announcing herself as of one the most lethal weapons in BTSH.  And she played the whole game without a sub. Take that, bitches.

Honorable Mention
By Marisa C. of WTP
With 0.8 seconds left in the game, Charles S. of WTP fired a rocket from mid-court that found its way past the Butchers’ net minder to send the game to OT.  That’s pretty Puck’n clutch!

Muchachos/Muchachitas,
 
Tuesday is normally a steaming pile, but we can cool it down and spice it up with — you guessed it — this week’s caption contest!

Apologies to Pete Wilson

_______________insert hilarity here________________


Take your time with this one, don’t rush the pass. There is more going on than a Highlights cover:
 
- Chadwick looking a little smug?
- Norris having some sort of moment?
- And something happening in between…unclear
 
Do your worst: