With the Elves and Rainbows tied in points and apparently every other tiebreak category these teams’ seeding had to come down to a coin toss (which Rich rigged with Luisa). The Elves won the coin toss, causing Chadwick to have to play his old team and making this the Game Of The Week.

Personally, I am more excited about the Gremlins/LBS. exhibition game. 


Our investigation revealed that the second coin was tossed onto the table from the grassy knoll.

Happy Little Elves at Instant Karma

(Written by Dr. Byron Clavicle)

Keys to the game for the Happy Little Elves:
  • Scratch Gil. He’s probably all tuckered out after winning the goal-scoring title so let him rest. It’s called playing the percentages. It’s what smart managers do to win ball games.
  • Put out three forwards and no defensemen, like the Elves did in 2010 under the “No Elves Defense Initiative” (NEDI).
    • Since he’s never lost in the playoffs, put Rich in goal and don’t let him wear pads so he will have maximum flexibility.
  • Don’t even show up. The Elves lost both regular season games to Karma, so it’s basically a waste of time to even try. Sitting at home on the couch, watching old re-runs of Mama’s Family–that’s what I call a win!
Keys to the game for Instant Karma:
  • Visualize all the Elves as Andrew Jackson.
  • Film the game to air on TV, because good always triumphs over evil on TV.
  • Delay the start of the game until whatever time the LIRR stops running to Long Island.
  • Travel back in time and assassinate Hilder.
One thing is for certain: a team founded by Ben Chadwick will win the game (or win the rigged coin toss when this one goes into super-bazillion-tuple overtime).

Rich’s pick: This is the shortest thing Clavicle’s ever written! Huzzaaahh!!! It’s a good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts. Elves 4-2. Clavicle and Danielle score for them. Gil, Miles with 2 each. I don’t score. But if I do I’m Jeroming my celebration.
Sam’s pick: Rich scores the game winning goal, but gets called for a high stick (but for the next year, he will say he scored in the playoffs).  It goes into overtime, but I am delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “‘delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “”‘delaying the inevitable truth'””.
Damnit!  I only thought to stack three cliches here and really needed to make it unlimited so that I don’t  come to the inevitable truth that no one wants to admit… sometimes evil triumphs in the first round of the playoffs.  Elves 4  Karma 3
J Dubs’ pick:  Elves 4, Karma 2. Chadwick gets 1 to continue the streak, but it’s not enough to continue his team’s season. 

Dark Rainbows at Poutine Machine

Both of these teams have a lot of talent, yet both teams under-performed in the regular season. There is particularly a lot of rookie talent on both teams, and this game is going to come down to them. 

Keys to the game for the Rainbows:

  • Make sure Sean and Bill show up. I don’t really know those guys, but they’re good. You’re going to need them.
  • Give Tia a kazoo. She’ll use it to distract the other team and opportune times. I see nothing in the rules that makes this illegal. 
  • Your all-star rookie goaltender has got to have a great game.  Play well defensively for him and this game is yours. 
  • Convince Poutine that you wear pink for breast cancer awareness.  They may be so touched by this that they forfeit the game out of respect for you and your cause. 
  • Start Josh Wilson.  Always start Josh Wilson. 
Keys to the game for Poutine:
  • DON’T eat poutine before the game. 
  • Jerome had a career-high 12 goals this season, get that guy the puck and make him shoot it. 
  • Get Jo Jo amped up enough that she is swearing in French.  She plays better that way. 
  • Make sure Brian shows up. And that he is relatively sober.
  • Try to block out Tia’s kazoo playing.  It isn’t going to be easy.
Rich’s pick: Prettttty sure Poutine would try to win in a game of tic-tac-toe vs. a 98-year-old woman who has dementia. And when that women invariably beats them they would tell her that she lost during the time she was coherent. A team after my own cold-black heart. Though I would also beat the 98-year-old woman in arm wrestling. Poutine 2-1.
Sam’s pick: Damn, pretty solid game this week.  If Kevin “His Name” Longwell has a great game in net for the Rainbows, Poutine is going to have trouble.  But, if Jerome, Jo Jo, and Jacob crash the net, this one is going into overtime–and a loose ball will settle it!!!  
J Dubs’ pick: Rainbows 3, Poutine 2.  The ‘Bows all-star rookie goaltender has a great game.

Mega Touch vs. Hookers

The moment could not be more intense—could it be underdog team, Mega Touch, advancing into the second round of playoffs?!

Alex Vegan Socks dances behind the net, Hookers D converge, but it’s all too late—Vegan Socks bounces it off the back of the Hookers’ goalie, hitting the top netting, then the back, and slowly, for about 5 seconds, trickling clearly out of the goal. The ball paid a half-month’s rent while there.

The crowd of 50 go wild, the Hookers immediately march over to the ref, circle like sharks, and give 5 conflicting accounts of how the ball: 1) went in, but only because there was a hole in the net; 2) absolutely didn’t go in at all, and the Hookers actually scored; 3) went in, only after burrowing its way through the asphalt and popping up in the net; 4) it was a loose ball from the other court that actually went in, and if you give the goalie a minute, he’ll show you the real one in his glove; and, 5) that’s not the street hockey ball, it’s a falafel—look who shot it!

They were all lies, every one of them. But the ref took the bait, reversed the call, and enjoyed the falafel.

Could Mega still pull off the win with 45 minutes remaining?

Hookers 5  Mega 0

Rich: I see a late goal scored by Julie…yes Julie to spark a wild celebration by Mega. These things tend to happen in the playoffs. 8-1 Hookers. Congrats on the goal though, Jules!


How did WTP do so well this year, and still end up in the bottom 8?  I just caught up with Math analyst, Zach Norris, who explained the leading theory of how this came to be:

“The leading theory, Hseih, is that WTP carried a roster of 60. I walked by their bench last week, and everyone was still addressing each other as Sir, Ma’am, and Hey You, so team chemistry may be an issue. Hell, even one person once addressed Mike Dudolevitch as Hey Dude, but honestly, I think he just got lucky.”

Meanwhile, the Riots upset the Elves this year. Will they be able to do it again, and move the ball in breakouts like they have been the last few weeks? Will Sharif “The Big Cheese” work in tandem with Suz and the Gang to notch a few early goals?  I have no fucking idea, but Dave “The Other Gil” de Rubio will need to block all primary shots and have his D clear that shit as soon as it’s blocked.

Either way, both teams enjoy the company of the courts with celebratory drinks after the game, despite who wins or loses.

Rich: I don’t know who wrote this but we give predictions including playoffs. So whoever it wrestling is you’re fired. And WTP will win 5-1. Can’t wait for Dave’s Facebook post Monday!
3 stars

Rich wrote one of the stars this week, see if you can guess which one…..

3rd star: Mike Teytelbaum – Sky Fighters

Mike Teytelbaum
lucky 777

Not to be outdone by James P.’s amazing double header performance the week before, Mike took it upon himself to score SEVEN GOALS in his double header on Sunday. Notching the double hat trick and adding 1 for good measure, this kid tore it up on Sunday. Known colloquially as “Roman’s brother”, Mike has flown under the radar a bit this year.  On Sunday, however, he exploded to double the amount of goals he had on the season, and help his team jump up to the 5th seed.  I am trying to think of something funny for this one, but nothing is coming to me.  There is nothing funny about scoring 7 goals in one day. 

2nd star: Gil Valdes – Happy Little Elves

Gil Gif

Look how young and spry.

Gil scored all 4 goals in the Elves’ 4-2 victory over Poutine on Sunday, which was the exact amount of goals he needed to jump Gabe by 1 and cement his scoring title victory. Rumor has it that Gabe didn’t show up Sunday because he was afraid of losing to Gil. Who could blame him – this guy is always dangerous, he is consistently the scoring leader for his team and always a contender for top of the league, and this year he did it. Also, I have been told that Gil did all this even though is over 50. Funny, he doesn’t look a day over 49 to me. 

1st star of the week:  Eric Ramirez – Gut Rot

Eric Ramirez

When Walker agreed to do the three stars, one of the requirements was not to give a star to a player who played in multiple games and did something great for a team he isn’t on. My reasoning is we should be using the free agent list more than we do. But I’m making an exception for Eric Ramirez. And I’m not making it because of how he played.
Gut Rot needed to wrestling win to get out of the play-in game for their first time in their history. But if things broke wrong, they could still win and finish in 13th. One way to ensure that wouldn’t happen, was if the Hookers lost both their games. So when Eric heard the Demons needed a goalie against the Hookers, he agreed to play net. But the best part was Fresh Kills needed an emergency goalie…also against the Hookers. So Eric agreed to play in that game as well. Eric ended up shutting the Hookers out and leading FK to a 1-0 victory. Then Eric reffed a game, and suited up against the Hookers for the Demons. He ended up winning that game too, 5-1. All that was left was beating Mega. But Guttie couldn’t score. So Eric decided to shut out Mega. Through regulation. And overtime. And 8…EIGHT!!!! shootout players.
So Eric, you don’t get a star for giving up 1 goal in six periods, an overtime and 8 shootout attempts. You get a star for being a total heel and ensuring you don’t play in the play-in game for the first time, and the Hookers do.

Honorable mention:  Larry Gilligan – Gut

Larry Gilligan and Eric Ramirez

If “duo of the week” was a thing these two would be it.

Larry scored the only shootout goal in NINE rounds (i heard it was 9, though Rich says 8) to both: 1) give his team their first winning season in team history (!!!), and 2) cause his team to not have to play in the play-in game, for the first time in team history.   Big ups, Larry.  Nuff said.

We Almost Needed To Use A Sword Fight As A Tiebreaker

This could be Rich on Sunday!

This could be Rich on Sunday!

Playoff seeds have been determined (well, except for #17 and #18, those need to be settled by a coin toss) and the schedule is set for the next two Sundays.  Check out the schedule tab to see when your team plays on October 4 and October 11, and look after the jump for your seed.

[Continue Reading…]

Heading To The Postseason


Opening round playoff games begin next Sunday.

Fresh Kills 1, Corlears Hookers 0
Fresh Kills: Sheena Wagaman (5)
Shutout: Eric Ramirez (via Gut Rot)

Sky Fighters 6, Instant Karma 2
Sky Fighers: Mike Teytelbaum 3 (10), Olivier Brassard (8), Greg Infanti (5), Caroline Webster (1)
Instant Karma: Ben Chadwick (8), Alfred Liu (5)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (via Gremlins)

Happy Little Elves 4, Poutine Machine 2
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes 4 (25)
Poutine Machine: Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos 2 (12)
Goalie Win: Steve Accardo (5)

Gremlins 6, Butchers 3
Gremlins: Brian Hicks 3 (20), Erich Graham (9), Mark McAdam (2), Rod Sherwood (11)
Butchers: Mike Mincieli 2 (2), Pete (2)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (10)

Denim Demons 4, Corlears Hookers 1
Denim Demons: Paul Licari (5), Tracy Miller (2), Josh Rosen (11), Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (4)
Corlears Hookers: Not yet reported
Goalie Win: Eric Ramirez (via Gut Rot)

Sky Fighters 11, Tompkins Square Riots 1
Sky Fighters: Mike Teytelbaum 4 (14), Mark Bloom 2 (2), Olivier Brassard 2 (10), Dan Hopper (5), Greg Infanti (6), Roman Teytelbaum (10)
Tompkins Square Riots: Ben F. (2)
Goalie Win: Kevin Longwell (via Rainbows)

Instant Karma 6, Gouging Anklebiters 3
Instant Karma: Cory Vernoia 2 (7), Brianna 2 (2), Ben Chadwick (9), Isaac Stewart (2)
Gouging Anklebiters: Phil Donohue (3), Joe Polowczuk (5), Ben Probert (11)
Goalie Win: Mike Maloney (5)

Mathematics 5, Fresh Kills 4
Mathematics: Eli Kazin 2 (5), Sam Norris 2 (10), Joey Batista (4)
Fresh Kills: Ariel Imas (8), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (via Poutine), Nick Scott (6), Sheena Wagaman (6)
Goalie Win: David Liang (11)

Cobra Kai 3, Dark Rainbows 2 (OT-SO)
Cobra Kai: Liam Martens 2 (7)
Dark Rainbows: Rachel Klion (1), Josh Wilson (3)
Goalie Win: Not yet reported
Shootout: Cobra Kai wins 1-0. Martens with the only successful attempt.

Filthier 7, LBS, Inc. 4
Filthier: Suvin Malik 3 (13), Sunny Mehra 2 (9), Matt Novick (1), Rebecca Novick (1)
LBS, Inc.: Elizabeth Boylan (4), Jake Chaplin (9), Karsten Pichon (15), “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin (1)
Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (12)

Gut Rot 1, Mega Touch 0 (OT-SO)
Shutouts: Eric Ramirez (6) for Gut Rot Rot, Mike Tuckman for Mega Touch
Shootout: Gut Rot wins 1-0. Gilligan2 with the only successful attempt in nine rounds.

What The Puck 2, Rehabs 1
What The Puck: Jamie Delia (4), Brendan Leong (2)
Rehabs: Mike Lasry (3)
Goalie Win: Jordan Gerow (7)

Please submit any corrections to derek@btsh.org