Pounds vs. Fresh Kills

Good news! The GOTW is back! It’s a rematch of the 2012 Championship Game, Lbs. vs. Fresh Kills. But its not really a rematch since that Lbs. team sucked and this one is good. 

The 2012 Lbs. motto!

The 2012 Lbs. motto!

The Lbs. are the most underrated team in BTSH. They have a lot of young punks that play both offense and D. I know what you’re thinking. OK, the guys are good, but the girls probably suck at Skee*T*Ball and arm wrestling. Can’t argue that.

Skee*T*Ball and arm wrestling show hand eye coordination and strength. I can’t imagine Ariel would lose to Ali, Sasha(s), Erica or Elizabeth. Gil thinks Gabe would though. Still, I’ll take FK 2-1. 
Sam’s Says:  Now that I know Tim, Ali, and Elizabeth (?) on the Lbs. (oh, and I forgot about curly haired man!), that’s good, but not good enough to top the 7 or 8 Fresh Kills I know.  It’s a 1:00 game though, so it really comes down to which team can pull the wool over the other team’s eyes for the first 15 minutes and drop a few goals before both teams’ hangovers wear off.  After that, it’s off to the races as Pittsburgh-loving Timmy and Butt-flashing Barch battle it out!

Rich–you don’t do these in order of game time?!  Damn, I’m not rewriting the above–this game is actually at 4:30–I didn’t even think randomly ordering games for previews was a thing… #RichieHeelorHero? 

Filthier at Riots

Pray 4 Dave
Richie Hero says: A beer for all Riots if they win. A punishment beer for Richie if you lose by 7 though. (for deal to count someone from Riots have to agree) 5-0 prediction. ;(
Sam says: I’m a huge fan of the Riots this year, but I’m also a huge fan of Bartolo Colon and the Mets.  Lately, I’ve accepted being a fan doesn’t mean always winning.  I’ll go halfsies with Rich on the above deal. 

Rehabs at Cobra Kai

While CK and the Rehabs won't win the BTSH Championship in 2015, they can put on a good match.  Here we see Black Rob kicking Liam.

While CK and the Rehabs won’t win the BTSH Championship in 2015, they can put on a good match.
Here we see Black Rob kicking Liam.

Richie Hero says: These two mid-card teams (wrestling reference!) are fighting in the $h0wT!m3 division, so they can move up and get killed in the Tagliarino Conference. Nah, they’ll be fine if they move up.

RichieHero says: I actually think both teams are underrated as well. This will be the true GOTW and the Rehabs under my man $h0wT!m3 will prevail 3-2.
Sam Says: Rich can be like Joe Biden.  When he’s on–he’s really on.  But, when he’s off, you just got to scratch your head…  I’ve seen both of these teams play top notch hockey; however, the Rehabs have settled down a lot since their undefeated streak.  Cobra Kai, on the other hand, has been on the offensive.

Poutine and WTP

Nice comeback season from WTP! And Poutine is starting to pull it together.
Richie Hero says: Its tough bc I have some former teammates of my Zog team that sucked on WTP, and former teammates of the 2008 Elves which really sucked. But since our Zog team won 3 I’ll go with them. WTP 5-2.
Sam says:  WTP is hot this year–ever since signing The Dude, they’ve pieced their team together wholeheartedly from last year.  Poutine, I definitely agree with Rich here–you’re getting your act together, but WTP is an all-round tough team.  I’m lucky we haven’t played them yet.  If that guy I met the other night at Double Wide, who was sitting across from Jerome, shows up, along with Jerome, along with Jo-Ann, along with pulling Sven out of retirement, and makes a few shrewd trades for Gil’s Son’s Dad and Gil’s Son, then they’ve got a chance at an upset!  If not, WTP 5-2.  

Math at Instant Karma

Math plays the 2010 BTSH Champions, Instant Karma

Math plays the 2010 BTSH Champions, Instant Karma

They say Ocean City is all about friends and very little about actually playing hockey, but Ocean City Civil War has already broken out in less than 96 hours since a drunk joke that formed the new and already filled-up, Instant Shawarma!   
Richie Hero says: Karma found wins instantly when they played the Elves. This gritty, well-positioned team will have trouble containing the team with two many groups of siblings. I see Math winning 4-2.
Sam says: Math is good, Instant Karma is good, but Instant Shawarma is way better than both these teams combined!  With the addition of the Stew Crew to Shawarma, this will be a good scrimmage as we prepare for OC!  

Anklebiters at Butchers: 
Are you going to the Ocean City tournament? Worky will be asking every Butcher that when they have or don’t have the ball that it will be a 50 minute PP for the Butchers and Jeff will score 4 goals. 4-3 Butchers
Sam Says:  The Butchers captain is a drunk–if Worky knows what’s best, he’ll finally give all the Butchers that signed up several free beers as promised, which will make them fall into disarray!  Unfortunately for Worky, the Butcher’s main man doesn’t drink, so the Biters will still lose 4-3 in OT.  Craig will throw his stick.

Gremlins against some team

Brainstormer No Mention of Mega
There will be a team, which a girl named Julie, will be tired from getting back to Finland, and a Hall of Famer named Alex E.M. is not around for. For the Gremmies, Walker will use hashtags, and Jamie promises to use only 50% of his energy bc I’m sure he’ll be playing for Gut Rot at 5:30.

Richie Says: 2-0 Gremmies. No Alex E.M., no chance!
Sam Says: The Grems have some grit this year–and they’re looking for payback from last week’s loss.  All hands on deck for them this week, while Alok saunters about and cracks corny jokes about Canada, how great the Blue Jays are, and life in general.  Grems take this one 3-1.

Elves at Hookers

Richie Hero says I’m gonna let Sam discuss this one.
Prediction:  The Elves are on a 2-0 tear right now!  I didn’t know until the 3-stars today that it’s in large part due to Gil.  Actually, I did know that because Elves’ wins are always in a large part due to him.  Do the Hookers know this?!  Do they also know that the Elves’ captain is back from vacation and looking to make it a 3-0 winstreak?!  

I don’t think the Hookers even care, as I think all they know is how to play solid hockey and then go home.  Will Noelle sub for another team and be tired out?  Will Sarah and that tall, dark haired girl be there?!  Even if not–I’m sorry, Rich–this will take a lot of shake and bake and trick shots to pull this win off.  But, if you know this secret against the Hookers, you may find yourself ahead at the end of your 50 minutes.

Rainbows at Demons

This was fun 2 years ago after the mass defection. Now, not so much. Demons 3-1.
Sam Says:  Without David Bernstein, it’s going to be a tough one–but you may still end up getting a star of the week!  Kevin Longwell–you may actually die in this game given the speed and strength of Demon shots, which is when we can finally chant in unison your already hyped and probably-getting-old-by-now Fight Club parody!

Sky Fighters at Gut Rot

Richie Hero says: Jamie stones the Sky Fighters. Plays awesome. Lose 5-1.
Sam Says:  James Stein has a good game, but it doesn’t matter because the Teytelbaum brothers score a shit ton of goals.  Ramirez will seek Gut Rot vengeance, though, at Ocean City!

The 3 stars were very difficult to whittle down this week, folks. Several people had star-worthy performances. I even had a very hard time deciding in which order to put the 3 people who made the cut. But here we go…..

3rd Star: Mary Pratt – Gut Rot

Mary Pratt - hockey

Mary had an intense last few weeks. She played the entire game with no subs the last 3 weeks in row, including playing the entire game SHORTHANDED last week in the insane heat/humidity. She was literally the ONLY Gut Rot girl last week, so she played the ENTIRE game, 4 on 5. (That is some hardcore shit.) She played the entire game again this week, yet this week there was a difference. This week, after many years in the league, she scored her first ever BTSH career goal!! But it wasn’t just any goal. It was the only Gut Rot goal in regulation. It was also the game-tying goal that carried her team into overtime. A game that they eventually won, in a shootout. Congrats on your first ever goal, and on your star, Iron Woman.

2nd star: Kevin Longwell – Dark Rainbows

Kevin Longwell - hockey
Earlier in the season I saw some kid running around playing out for the Rainbows wearing an old school plastic Mylec goalie mask. I thought to myself “who is that maniac? that’s hilarious. and kind of awesome.” (actually I think I said that aloud, to whoever was watching the game with me). I guess the Rainbows figured if he is going to wear that goalie mask all the time (as far as I’m concerned he wears it at home on his couch while watching TV) we might as well put him in net. After losing their first 5 games in fantastic fashion, the Rainbows decided to make a goalie change. SINCE they made that goalie change/put Kevin in net they are 5-1 and have jumped up to 2nd place in their division. Coincidence? I think not. This kid is 5-1 in first 6 career starts, he has given up no more than 1 goal in each of those wins, AND he logged a shutout this week against a divisional rival. It’s always been my opinion that goalies don’t get enough love in this league, but that changes now. Congrats on the goose egg, Kevin, and keep up the good work.

It should be noted that the only other goalie to keep a clean sheet this week was Tim Brown. But that dude gets shutouts all the time. Log a shutout AND score an empty net goal from the other end of the rink and then we’ll talk about a star, Timmy.

1st star: Gil Valdes – Happy Little Elves

Elves - hockey - Gil

I wanted to give the 1st star to the rookie goalie on a hot streak. I really wanted to. But I just couldn’t do it. The score sheet wouldn’t allow me do it. Gil earned the 1st star this week. In his amazing performance against the Gremlins he scored a hat trick, which proved to be enough to single-handedly beat the Grems (Gil: 3, Gremlins: 2). Defying the laws of physics (and age) he weaved in and out of the Gremlins’ defense, creating chance after chance. If not for some heroics on Jamie’s part, Gil could have had 6 or 7. Not only did he score a hat trick this week, but he ALSO scored a hat trick last week, giving his team their much-needed first win of the season. That’s right folks, BACK-TO-BACK HAT TRICKS, 2 weeks in a row. Gil has an incredibly impressive 15 goals on the season, which is only 1 goal shy of leading the league. Congrats on a hard-fought 1st star, #88.
This week, the BTSH media brings back an old-time favorite, Know Your Neighbor!  And talking about favorites, it features one of What The Puck’s favorites, Noah & Aisling!  

Noah & Aisling Photo
Hometowns: Vancouver

Colleges: University of British Columbia

Wow, you know this is a cool school when the first set of Google images don’t involve a stupid mascot, football team, cheerleaders, or logo

Wow, you know UBC must be a cool school when the first set of Google images don’t involve a stupid mascot, football team, cheerleaders, or logo (i.e. see below):

Professions: Noah–Accountant (ie bean counter);  Aisling–Marketing (ie can’t count beans worth sh*t)

Favorite NHL teams: Canucks

Favorite NYC bar: Bell House for 90’s Night

Current Aspirations: Noah–Not fall as often; Aisling–Get less bruises

Favorite Wrestler (active or retired): Noah–The Ultimate Warrior;  Aisling–Marco Corleone (currently Lucha Libre)

Would you be faces or heels in wrestling: We’d both try to be heels, but we’re too soft. So faces.

Why do you hate wrestling: Is BTSH starting a wrestling league?

I don’t know, Rich, are we?!

I don’t know, Rich, are we?!

Have you ever used Mike Dudolevitch from your team to move in NYC (and why not?!): We haven’t moved anywhere since meeting him, but great idea! Thanks Sam.

If you both collectively only had three vegetables to eat for the rest of your life, what would they be: Cucumbers, Carrots and Vodka.

Why WTP needs you every game: Noah–I yell at everyone and tell them where they need to be on the court at all times; Aisling–I apologize for his yelling

Yankees or Mets: Blue Jays.

Good call, they’ve got the second best picture in the game!

Good call, they’ve got the second best picture in the game!

If WTP made it to the BTSH Championship, what team would you want to play: Poutine Machine or Happy Little Elves … it’s a goals against thing. Sorrrrry guys.

Favorite comedians: Aisling–John Oliver;  Noah–The Fat Jewish

If you had to make your kids have god mothers and fathers from BTSH, who would you ask (Corey Winters excluded): Does Corey have a twin brother?

If you started a company, what industry would it be and what would you name it: Puppy cuddles

Sheer Brilliance


Not taken by Greg Altman.

Fresh Kills 6, Mega Touch 4

Fresh Kills: Nick Scott 2 (4), Dave Sokolyansky 2 (3), Ariel Imas (2), Patrick Moore (4)
Mega Touch: Brady Caldwell (4), Alok Ghai (2), Kirsten (1), Max Temescu (3)
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch (9)

Butchers 4, Corlears Hookers 3 (OT-SO)
Butchers: Jeff Laniando (10), Pete (1), Zack (1)
Corlears Hookers: Gavin Kearney 2 (8), Danilo Biagioni (8)
Goalie Win: Tim Burke (3)
Shootout: Butchers win 1-0. Pete with the successful attempt.

Gouging Anklebiters 2, Sky Fighters 1
Gouging Anklebiters: Larry (1), Joe Polowczuk (1)
Sky Fighters: Roman Teytelbaum (9)
Goalie Win: Craig LaCombe (2)

Gut Rot 2, Rehabs 1 (OT-SO)
Gut Rot: Mary Pratt (1)
Rehabs: Bryan Welch (4)
Goalie Win: Not yet reported
Shootout: Gut Rot wins 1-0. Mark Cheney with the successful attempt.

Dark Rainbows 1, Tompkins Square Riots 0
Dark Rainbows: Mike Roberts (3)
Shutout: Kevin Longwell (5)
Game Notes: Thanks to Dan Hopper and Sam Norris for having the top ref sheet of the week.

Filthier 7, What The Puck 1
Filthier: Denis Miciletto 2 (8), James Pereira 2 (5), Jessica Liu (2), Ann Mathews (2), Shafiq Perry (5)
What The Puck: Noah Carter (2)
Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (8)

Mathematics 3, Denim Demons 2
Mathematics: Amy Anderla (1), Nathan Norris (2), Cherie Stewart (9)
Denim Demons: Josh Rosen 2 (4)
Goalie Win: David Liang (8)

Cobra Kai 4, Poutine Machine 2
Cobra Kai: Dan Innamorato 2 (3), Doug Bova (2), J.J. Murphy (2)
Poutine Machine: Francois (1), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (4)
Goalie Win: Nicholas Blair (5)

LBS, Inc. 3, Instant Karma 0
LBS, Inc.: Karsten Pichon 2 (10), Sam Anthony (5)
Shutout: Tim “Barracuda” Brown (7)

Happy Little Elves 4, Gremlins 2
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes 3 (15), Miles (2)
Gremlins: Brian Hicks (13), Rod Sherwood (9)
Goalie Win: Steve Accardo (1)

Please submit any corrections to derek@btsh.org
Were you ever wondering how BTSH media decided to write on a certain topic? Were you subsequently wondering why you or your team may have not been getting much BTSH media love this year?! Well, this is a story of great proportions with roots to the same underlying problems of so much of the troubles on Wall Street—who takes the blame—no, not people—but algorithms!

It started off many years ago, prior to many of us even starting our BTSH careers. Prior to Tim being commissioner, prior to Adriano and Bob W, even. It started off so long ago, we don’t even know who made the purchase. But, whoever did spend a good chunk of money trying to make writing previews the most efficient as possible—relying solely on an acquisition of legacy IBM technology—spent far too much for the algorithmic BTSH Brainstormer 3000.

BTSH Brainstormer 3000
But, before you get a sneak peak into the mechanics of it all, you must watch and listen to this video in its entirety as you read (a requirement already specified by the Brainstormer):

It was the early 2000’s, right after the dot.com bubble burst, and IBM was looking to offload its proprietary software. Unfortunately for BTSH, we bought one of their “business machines” thinking the time value of preview writing would pay off. At that time, little did we know that IBM also loved wrestling, a future team named the Elves, and could not write about the LBS. because IBM was 1) jealous of their acronym and 2) didn’t know anybody on that dream team to write into their algorithm. But, we bought the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 anyways for, well, $3,000. It turns out that this wasn’t an algorithm at all, but really a $3,000 piece of shit Microsoft Excel macro, and all it did was randomly select a predetermined topic.

BTSH Brainstormer Blackbox
This week, however, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 finally selected an uncanny and mostly unwritten about team this year—Gut Rot—so Diane Johnston, you owe me a beer.

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
Fortunately for Mega Touch, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 did not pick its longtime favorite of “No Mention of Mega Touch In Preview”. So, Mega Touch, are you going to pull off a win?!

Ben Chadwick: I think Mega Touch’s odds of winning are very slim.
John Walker: Mention something about Keogan…..
Sam Norris: I’m trying to write the previews, but all these guys want to do is play the ukulele…

Butchers at Corlears Hookers
John Walker: If the Butchers can pull off dueling hat tricks again this week, they’ll likely win. Or if Dana goes on a tear again.
Ben Chadwick: If I can score two goals on the Hookers, then I’m sure Jeff L. can score at least ten!
Sam Norris: Hookers supposedly beat Filthier with only 5 or 6 people, so it’ll be a tough game for my loved ones!

Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters

Ben Chadwick: Hey—that rhymes!
John Walker: I predict Kucera shaves 10 seconds off his natural hat trick time this week.
Sam Norris: This might be the game of the week, if it wasn’t for the fact that Ben and I are drunk and can’t think of a non-sequitur game of the week elsewhere in the world. That’s right—this is the GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Gut Rot at Rehabs

Sam Norris: Hey Ben, what are you currently playing on your ukulele right now? I’m trying to think, but this ‘Beautiful Balloon’ song is killing me. What do you think about for the Gut Rot v. Rehabs game? Both Gut Rot and the Rehabs are coming off losses from last week, so this should be one of the games of the week (but not thee game of the week as mentioned above!).
Ben Chadwick: Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?! I think, I think, I don’t know how this game is going to turn out, but I’ll be watching something else.

John Walker: Awesome—The 5th Dimension! No, no, not an exclamation point! No, no semicolon either! Sam, just put in a period!

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots

John Walker: Rainbows/Riots……Rainbows/Riots……let me think about this one real quick. Underrated goalies -Dave and that new goalie dude from the Rainbows both don’t get enough cred. I predict a goalie battle here.
That goalie dude from the Rainbows used to play out with his old school Mylec goalie mask, Sam did you ever see him do that — it was fucking awesome.
Sam Norris: His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! — Side note—I was intimidated by that goalie mask wearing player.

Ben Chadwick: Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots?! That would have been a good NY Post headline in 1990.

What The Puck at Filthier
Ben Chadwick: Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Where the hell is that quote from? What does that mean, Ben?
Ben Chadwick: It’s from The Wire.
John Walker: I’ve never seen The Wire.

Denim Demons at Mathematics

John Walker: I haven’t seen Coach in weeks.
Ben Chadwick: Demons and Math, huh… Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Damn, Math! We’ve got half our team OOO and Rox is injured—fuck!!! Well, it should still be a good game. Lee, Paul, Nick, & Nathan: loser pays bar tab at our next Fishmarket trip.

Poutine Machine at Cobra Kai
Ben Chadwick: These are two things I don’t want to eat.
John Walker: No, seriously, where the fuck is Coach?
Sam Norris: Will Poutine notch a win against a highly underrated team?! Will Altman intimidate Poutine with funny and weird Mexican wrestling masks?! I don’t know, but this will be a fun and good game!

Instant Karma at LBS, Inc.
Ben Chadwick: Yo, where the fuck is Wallace?! No, shit, this is my team—I’m going to say something better than that! We don’t have to have a literal transcript: stop typing everything I say! I think Karma is going to win.
John Walker: I hope Karma needs subs tomorrow because I want to play 2 games. Oh, shit, we’re playing at the same time…
Sam Norris: Pounds—they’re pretty good this year. Karma—they’re also pretty good this year. Where the fuck is Ryann Geldner?!

Happy Little Elves at Gremlins
Since this is the last preview, we reran the BTSH Brainstormer 3000—and you won’t believe what it had to say!

BTSH Brainstormer 3000 V2
The Brainstormer predicted rain fears—despite the other court playing, this game is going to be rained out!