3 stars



3rd star: The random cop who showed up

Estrada - Chips - cop

This is pretty much how I remember him looking.


So, on Sunday some random uniformed officer showed up at the courts and every BTSHer was like “oh shit, the fuzz!” and we all hurried to conceal our open containers, switch blades and crack pipes. However, (for once) this cop wasn’t there to give open container tickets. He was just there to hang out, watch the games, talk with people. This was a welcome relief to BTSHers (the ones who didn’t head for the hills as soon as they saw him, that is). He was even nice enough to let a few players fire his gun. This proved to be far less dangerous than playing against the Demons. 
For not giving any open container tickets and for getting your kid involved in youth hockey I award you 3rd star of the week, random cop. 



2nd star: Danielle Haselton (pronounced “Hassle-ton”) – Instant Karma


                                                                          Danielle Haselton



This week Danielle remembered to do something that I personally have intended to do every single week of the season but have forgotten to do every single week of the season. (Even setting phone reminders has not helped the situation, sadly.)  The thing that she did brought a lot of fun to many BTSHers at the courts, and culminated in me getting Vitamin Water Zero spilled all over the front of my favorite Unicorns shirt.  It was worth it.
While everyone knows that the 1st rule of lime toss is “always be ready”, perhaps the 1st rule should be “remember to actually bring a lime”. 
Thank you, from everyone who played lime toss on the sidelines this Sunday, for taking care of the responsibility that myself, Chadwick and Heather A. have been slacking on all season. 
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said “It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” I assume that he was referring to bringing a lime.  This particular little thing earned you the 2nd star this week.



1st star of the week: The refs. 

Zebra ref

This was an, umm, strange? week at BTSH.  I watched a lot of the games and saw that the refs had to make some really difficult decisions, and deal with some things they never should have to deal with.  I won’t go into all the specifics but at least one ref was pepper sprayed by a player during a game, I heard that one woke up with a horse’s head in their bed, and I know for a fact that at least one of them got farted on (sorry about that, Hopper, I had tacos for lunch).  While my admiration for the refs is different this year now that they get paid quite a bit more, it is a tough and relatively thankless job nonetheless.  A job that I have always avoided like the plague.  They make the tough calls and deal with crap that they shouldn’t have to deal with, week in, week out. A big thank you to all the league’s refs, especially those of you who suffered undue abuse this past Sunday. You handled it with aplomb.
I implore you, be nice to your refs, people.  They, among other people, keep the league running. Speaking of running – man, those tacos really did a number on my system.
by Ben Chadwick (and mostly illustrated by Zach Norris)

In recent years, some of us old-timers have witnessed the skill of new players in BTSH rising to unprecedented heights. Is there still a place for aging, mediocre, largely incompetent veterans? If so, how do we create a level playing field for those, like me, who were born with flimsy skeletons and no hand-eye coordination? What’s to be done to help players like Rich “Can’t Buy a Goal” Glanzer, Anita “Can’t Be Bothered to Get Out of Bed and Walk One Block” Khar, and Kermita “Doesn’t Even Exist” Snaggledonk? Well, after years of ignoring our proposal that all incoming free agents must be blind and weigh over 700 pounds, Commissioner Brown has finally established a new four-pronged agenda to remedy the situation for us brittle geezers.

1. Powerups
No skill? No problem! Aerial drones will fly over Tompkins during games to randomly deposit glowing packages which, when collected, provide the player with special powers, such as:
  • bananas you can shoot at other players to temporarily disable them
  • raccoon tails that enable the wearer to fly
  • sticks that can shoot multiple balls at once
  • a giant head – it doesn’t really help your game, but it does engender mirth
  • money, ammo, and bags of cocaine

Artist’s rendering of the proposed power-ups.

Additionally, stepping on the glowing chevrons on the asphalt will provide a temporary speed boost, and conveniently-placed trampolines will allow a player to leap over the opposition.

2. Performance-Enhancing Technology
Exhausted from Saturday night? Did you leave your liver in the skeeball machine again? Not to worry, Tim Brown has your antidote: fifty cc’s of weapons-grade plutonium injected directly into your spinal cord. While BTSH has not finished testing this program, clinical trials are showing extraordinary potential with only mild hair and tooth loss, alongside arguably positive side-effects such as Floppy Purple Tentacle Syndrome.

derek_smile

After the experiment, researchers noted that clinical trial subject #13 had become “substantially better at hockey, and also more appealing personally,” though there was some apprehension about the “wildly gesticulating flippers where his arms had been.”

 
3. The Harrison Bergeron Pilot Program
Rather than convert mid-level players into unstoppable cybernetic hockey machines, there’s a more cost-effective approach to improving the league’s balance. We can’t make all the passengers better, so why not make the superstars worse?
  • Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Cherie Stewart will have to play while carrying 50 pounds of stones.
  • Highly focused defensepersons like Rob Walsh will have their concentration shattered, as they are forced to wear headphones repeatedly blasting the sounds of foghorns, Fran Drescher’s laugh, parrot squawks, cannon fire, and Gilbert Gottfried routines.
  • Absurdly limber goalies like Tim Brown will be replaced by mini-golf windmills.

Gabe “Hands of Stone” Chenard-Poirier (feat. Big Head Heather).

 

4. “Twilight Transitions,” The Trevor Beauclair Memorial Halfway House

What do we do when none of that helps and I still suck at hockey? Well, it’s time to pack up and call it a career. Thankfully a generous anonymous endowment from Rob Blandi has helped the league create “Twilight Transitions,” in honor of the extremely late (but not dead) Trevor Beauclair. Twilight Transitions will provide a living space in the Tompkins Square restrooms where obsolete players can prepare to function normally in society through fun, educational activities like:

  • riding the bus
  • purchasing lottery tickets
  • petting Justin’s dog and other regional animals
  • Yahtzee
twilight1

Twilight Transitions will be there to help us develop valuable life-skills, with lessons like Trash Can Operations 101, and Care and Feeding of Your Traffic Cone.

Bonus fun fact: Even though it hasn’t opened yet, Hector “$h0w+1m3!” Melendez has already bounced in and out of Twilight Transitions 47 times.

In Conclusion
While BTSH can’t cure everyone’s hockey problems, rest assured that the league recognizes the plight of the amateurish and is finally prepared to do something about it!

Correction 8/31/2015, 1:43pm: all of the above proposed programs have been canceled in favor of Commissioner Brown’s new plan to drive to Tahiti with several sacks full of cash. 

Updated proposal for 2016. (Image credit: Tim Brown’s notebook.)

The Elves Won?!

asdfasdfadf

Still not sure why this trend didn’t catch on.


Corlears Hookers 2, Mathematics 1 (OT)

Corlears Hookers: Jason Eitel (6), Albert “Al” Huang (1)
Mathematics: Cherie Stewart (14)
Goalie Win: Amriel Kissner (5)

Rehabs 1, Mega Touch 0
Rehabs: Blake H. (6)
Shutout: Hector Melendez (5)

Cobra Kai 6, Gremlins 2
Cobra Kai: Liam Martens 2 (4), Mike Jenks 2 (3), Sebastian Asaro (8), Doug Bova (6)
Gremlins: Brian Hicks (17), Mark McAdam (1)
Goalie Win: Nicholas Blair (6)

LBS, Inc. 2, Fresh Kills 1
LBS, Inc.: Tommy Capatosta (4), Erica Lee (1)
Fresh Kills: Dave Sokolyanksy (4)
Goalie Win: Tim Brown (9)

Gut Rot 5, Dark Rainbows 0
Gut Rot: Gilligan 2 (3), Gilligan2 (2), Scott Kollar (5), Ashley McMasters (1)
Shutout: Eric Ramirez (4)

What The Puck 5, Tompkins Square Riots 3
What The Puck: Corey W. 2 (6), Noah Carter (3), Devon (1), Paul Picinich (2)
Tompkins Square Riots: Ben (1), Alex (3), Suz P. (4)
Goalie Win: Jordan Gerow (6)

Gouging Anklebiters 8, Instant Karma 2
Gouging Anklebiters: Mike H. 3 (3), Phil Donohue 2 (2), Sarah Moore (4), Joe Polowczuk (4), Matt Workman (3)
Instant Karma: Ryann Geldner 2 (6)
Goalie Win: Craig LaCombe (6)

Happy Little Elves 3, Sky Fighters 2 (OT-SO)
Happy Little Elves: Jonathan Brügger (1), Gil Valdes (19)
Sky Fighters: Olivier Brassard (6), Mike Teytelbaum (6)
Goalie Win: Steve Accardo (3)
Shootout: Elves win 1-0. Successful attempt by Garrett Carrino.

Denim Demons 4, Filthier 3
Denim Demons: Josh Rosen 2 (6), Jeff Kamen (10), Paul Licari (3)
Filthier: Adela Ibric (1), Denis Miciletto (13), Shafiq Perry (8)
Goalie Win: Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (6)

Butchers 3, Poutine Machine 0
Butchers: Jeff Laniando 2 (17), Jefe (1)
Shutout: Tim Burke (5)

Please submit any corrections to derek@btsh.org
By Dave Gil de Rubio

Cover Photo

This was my first foray into this storied tournament. And yes, an education was had. Here are some of the lessons I gleaned.

1. Mike Dudolevic’s Party Van is an Eric Clapton/Phil Collins Free Zone despite Twin Dekes’ propensity for grooving to Yacht Rock

2. Ten people do in fact fit comfortably into said Party Van.


Mike's Van
3. Glo sticks notwithstanding, no one really took into account the lack of light involved with partying on the beach that made it feel like we were having dinner at one of these joints except with lots of sand and cheap beer.

Dining in the Dark

Dining in the Dark
4. According to Caroline Webster, aggro jam-band reggae is in fact a thing.

5. I’m not quite sure if the phrase “Roll Tide” was actually an invitation for any team we played in the tournament to do just that.

Hollywood dramatization of the roll tide about to hit Dave

Hollywood dramatization of said roll tide about to make a Red Tide

6. Apparently there was an unspoken goalie union code that involved not allowing Rich Glanzer to score and to also endure endless heckling.

7. When digging the eighth goal out of the back of the net during a 9-1 drubbing by the aforementioned Twin Dekes, when they’re going into Soft Rock Mode and providing a soundtrack for the arena, the Michael McDonald/Patti LaBelle duet of “On My Own” isn’t really what I’m looking to hear despite the absolute appropriate timing of this song.

8. I don’t think Ernest Hemingway realized that The Old Man & The Sea would be what people would start calling Coach’s storied attempt to wrestle the Atlantic Ocean into submission (cover photo).

Coach cemented his lead with late night ocean wrestling to win Michaliga's inaugural OC Spirit Cup, named after WTP face, you know who

Coach cemented his lead with late night ocean wrestling to win Michaliga’s inaugural OC Spirit Cup, named after WTP face, you know who


9. James Stein proved that you can be a fertile, over-40 goalie who can get the job done and win a championship.

Craig loves this idea—he now thinks he may actually get a playoff win this year!

Craig loves this idea—he now thinks he may actually get a playoff win this year!


10. While Craig LaCombe did his part in showing that fatherhood has softened him up to the point where he resisted the urge to go full frontal while taking the time to briefly pilfer the Tournament Cup.

Craig Takes Cup

3 stars



3rd star: Craig LaCombe – Sea Section


Craig OC

When the final wasn’t entertaining us (“booooooorrrrrrinnnnggg”) Craig took it upon himself to do so.   As soon as the horn rang to indicate that the 1st half was over, someone randomly said “what’s the halftime show?” and Craig knew what he had to do.  He quickly stripped down to his underwear, threw on his jock, ran across the rink, humped Olivier on his way, stole the cup and ran back across the rink and gave the cup to the fans.  The rink door remained open for some time and the refs didnt drop the puck, seemingly thinking that Craig or someone else might bring the cup right back. That wasn’t gonna happen.  The cup remained in the stands for the rest of the game. Occurrences like this are the reason OC is great.  Craig is the reason OC is great.

The amazing footage:
Craig steals the cup OC 2015

“I’m a father!!!”


2nd star: Lime Walker/The John “Lime” Walker Experience/John Walker and the Limes/whatever else they called themselves
(Ben Chadwick, Tia Lendo, Jamie Batuwantudawe)


Lime Walker band photo

Man, my cellphone camera is just awful.

 

To clarify, I was not in this band, yet somehow they named themselves after me.  Little did I know how much of an honor that would be…..until I saw them perform. Those of us who found ourselves in Room 333 of the Seahawk on Saturday night, rather than at Seacrets, were treated to something really special.

So, this is how the story goes……a few of us were hanging out in my room at the Seahawk early on Saturday night, waiting for a few others to get there before we left for Seacrets.  The plan was to go to Seacrets, this was the plan the whole time.  Things don’t always go as planned, and many times that is a good thing.  While waiting, Chadwick was strumming on his ukulele, eventually Tia showed up and started kazooing along, then Wick handed Jamie the 2nd ukulele….and the magic that is Lime Walker was born.  The New York Times called the trio “the greatest cover band that ever lived” and we couldn’t agree more.  As they played cover after cover, more and more people poured into Room 333, all planning to go to Seacrets, but all unable to tear themselves away from the sweet sounds that filled the room. Complete with people shouting out song requests (the band was happy to oblige) dancing, singing along and endless applause from the audience; this performance had all the great elements of an intimate show. Each time the band thought they were finished they were instead met with chants of “one more song” or “encore, encore”. The crowd couldn’t get enough. I was lucky enough to have a front row seat to this impromptu show and I wouldn’t have traded it for any other ticket you can think of.  
Zach, Rem, Abby, and Michelle T. can all attest to how great being right up front was.  This show was my favorite part of the weekend, and it was everything that Seacrets isn’t. 

Here is an exclusive video:
(unfortunately my TERRIBLE voice is drowning out the other people singing along, and the music itself.)

IMG_2155



As mentioned above, I was not part of this band. I was, however, invited up to the stage to perform their final song of the night along with them. Because they know that The Outfield’s “Your Love” is one of my favorite pop songs of all time, they surprised me by making this their final song of the evening.  Hear my HORRIBLE monotone voice ruining the song, below:

(I realize now upon watching/listening to this that I screwed up one of the lyrics, to a song I know by heart.  That’s now taken aback I was by their amazing performance.)

IMG_2157





1st star of Ocean City: The people who made it happen.  

I have been asked not to get into all the specifics of everyone who made this happen. In addition to the obvious people who kept the weekend running smoothly there are a lot of people who need to be thanked for all their effort leading up to the tourney. A huge thank you to everyone on each of the planning committees. There really are too many people to name here, so I am not even going to try, so that I don’t inadvertently miss anyone. Also, again, it was felt that it would be best if we didn’t go into all the specific people here, and their roles. 

I did however try to catch up with a few of the key people who kept the weekend running smoothly……

I attempted to interview Worky to ask him how he pulled off the awesome feat of BeachTSH but he was unavailable for comment due to finally getting his life back.

I reached Eric and Ashley in order to thank them for reffing and for their contributions to developing the rules. I asked them how their weekend in stripes was to which they both responded by blowing their whistles loudly in my face and yelling “faceoff! inside the zone!  Oops, sorry JW, we’re so used to reffing that we have forgotten how to normally speak with people.”  I completely understood. 

I asked MDF how it was running the scoreboard most of the weekend. She simply handed me an envelope, without a word.  I opened it and it was a wedding invitation.  It read ” You are cordially invited to the wedding of MDF and Daktronics All Sport 5000 scoreboard controller.”  I’ll be there with bells on.

Daktronics

We hope that MDF and Daktronics will be very happy together.


Thanks again to everyone who made it happen.  Your hard work did not go unnoticed.
See you on the beach next year!