By Diana M.

Comrades, 

You continue to take my breath away. I would like to take a moment to especially recognize Justin Perras, who I imagine has a trashcan full of balled-up failed drafts mixed for his captions, and enters daily. I also want to request that you send me some good action shots for future contests to diana.marko@gmail.com. No nudes please. Well…hang on, maybe. Make it tasteful. Put it in black & white, ooooh or SEPIA. Gives it that old-timey feel….Anyway, here are this week’s winners:

"It's Alok again. He wants to know how much he has to donate to get on the Filthier team."

“It’s Alok again. He wants to know how much he has to donate to get on the Filthier team.”


1st Place:  “It’s Alok again. He wants to know how much he has to donate to get on the Filthier team.” — by Derek T.

2nd Place:  “Hello, is this Mr. Glanzer? Do you have time to speak with us about this year’s Presidential election? Did you know that the average donation to Senator Sander’s campaign is, on average, $27? Mr. Glazer we’re hoping… Mr. Glanzer? Hello?” — by Abigail M.

3rd Place:  “Smile and Nod. Okay? Kill Ben Chadwick.” — by Aaron F.

Honorable mention:  “What’s black and white and drunk all over?” — Justin P.

By Dana K. of the Butchers

Originally the Mighty Squirrels, the most fun team for refs to call for “too many men” when an actual squirrel ran on the courts at Corlears Park, the team split into The Butchers and Poutine Machine in 2010.

Rachel G.  
Rachel Greene, while not technically the captain of the Butchers this year, “I’m just a player these days, I swear,” Greene protested from behind her marble desk at Butchers H.Q. in Clinton Hill, is still thought of by her team as their Don Corleone. As the head of the family she takes it hard when members leave. This year when Jeff Laniado defected Greene happened upon his new team jersey and it used in a series of photographs later that night, the least offensive of which featured Rachel pooping it into a toilet. “He’s just lucky I didn’t have my Beadazzler on me,” said Greene. “I would have tricked that thing out like a My Little Pony complete with the comb.”

Her signature move: the double leg jump in mid-air after scoring a goal.  

Like this, but cuter.

Like this, but cuter.

Michael M. 
One of the most underrated defensemen in the league, Mike is the Butchers secret weapon. Calm, with a killer shot from the point Mike used to refuse to take the ball away from female opponents “my mama raised me right,” he used to say before Greene hosted an intervention with him at her compound in Bogota. “He doesn’t do that anymore,” Greene stated in a propaganda video released to the media. “Yeah, I don’t do that anymore,” Mike said beside her. “Can I see my wife now?” When accused of badly treating the visibly thin and pale Mike while he was in her care Greene said, “he always looks like that.”

Don’t let his nice guy demeanor on the court fool you though, off court Mike is a ruthless lawyer at Etsy where he is singlehandedly trying to take the company in a new direction. “All I’m saying is, less decoupage, more weapons of mass destruction. But definitely keep the chicken sweaters. Give the people what they want!”

Etsy best seller, seriously.

Etsy best seller, seriously.


Arthur R.  
Originally brought on to bring some true Russian hockey know-how to the Butchers, Arthur found it a daunting task to pass on his wisdom. “We tried holding a practice once and Dana and Rachel kept telling each other how good each other’s hair looked,” Arthur said, patting his own head. “It was really distracting. Then Georgine asked where the mimosas were.  She thought we were at brunch.”  Reduced to pointing towards the other team’s net and screaming “that way!” Arthur has learned to content himself with the small victories. “Mike ordered a vodka soda at the bar the other day,” he said with a smile and a nod.  “I feel pretty good about that.”
Arthur, during the 2015 July break.

Arthur, during the 2015 July break.


Jason R. 
 
Rosie, as he is known, is the spirit animal of the Butchers. And that animal is a golden retriever sporting a baja on those chilly BTSH spring days.  When told the baja made him look like a suburban drug dealer from Albequerque he said, “Whatever man, make fun of the baja all you want, but I rescued a family of baby penguins with this thing when I was living on a glacier in Greenland for three months and it was adorable.

His delight in wearing Mexican blankets aside, Rosenstock is a genius on offense, “Even I don’t know what I’m going to do out there,” Rosie says when questioned about his hockey strategy.  “That last move you saw where I did a backflip off my hoverboard and landed in a waterfall? I call that ‘Navajo sunrise. At daybreak.’” Arthur smiled at his teammate, took a sip from his flask and said, “Everyone makes the playoffs.”
rock guy


Honorable mention: Georgine P., for making statements like, “Who caaares?” at Captains’ meetings while still being the friendliest person in the room. Gary K., the scariest looking nicest guy ever. And a damn good hockey player. Tim B., who rivals Jamie for smiliest goalie, no matter what he’s up against.

By Diana M.

Start your engines for week two of the BTSH Caption Contest.  You will win a beer and public recognition for your wittiness.  This week, in honor of the Rose Charities tournament, I bring you this photo of Rachel and Diane.  Who’s she talkin to?  What are they thinkin about?  Are those matching black pencil skirts?

(insert caption here)

(insert caption here)


Do your worst. 

Enter here: https://poll.fbapp.io/caption-contest-week-of-5-1

The BTSH Media has never missed an opportunity to congratulate itself. For example:
eliderek

Above: the award-winning 2011 Media Team wins the Best Duo Media Award by awarding the media award to its award-winning self.*

What has been missing amid this masturbatory vainglorious narcissism, however, is a fresh batch of new voices ready to throw their hardworked pages upon the smoldering inferno that is the BTSH website.
[Continue Reading…]
Emeritus Note: Unfortunately, the Week 5 games were postponed due to “rain fears”.  Seven years ago, the Week 5 games suffered the same fate, but Derek and I decided to forge ahead and post box scores anyway.  This post was originally published on May 4, 2009.

Filthy Gorgeous Doubles Up The Unicorns

Owens

Filthy Gorgeous 4, Unicorns 2
Filthy Gorgeous: “Gentleman” James Pereira 2 (9), Sunny Mehra (7), Matt Workman (2)
Unicorns: Chris (5), Nelson (2)
Game Notes: Pereira broke a 2-2 tie with seven minutes remaining in regulation.

Cobra Kai 3, Corlears Hookers 2
Cobra Kai: Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito (2), Brian “The Flashlight” Morrison (1), Christina “Mojito” Verigan (1)
Corlears Hookers: Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney (4), Peter “Purple Rain” Putka (4)
Game Notes: Although the Corlears Hookers only had four players including their goalie in attendance, they opted to bench Albert “Al” Huang for the duration of the game.

Happy Little Elves 3, Mighty Squirrels 3 (OT-SO)
Happy Little Elves: Rob Muggeo (5), Demetri Adrahtas (1), Rob “Gnarls” Nitschke (1)
Mighty Squirrels: Jason “Cheek” Cheek (1), Tim “(S)crappy” Gray (1), Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder (1)
Shootout: Tied 1-1. Successful attempts by Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (HLE) and Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis (MSQ).
Game Notes: Gray scored the game-tying goal with one second left in regulation.

Denim Demons 7, Rehabs 5
Denim Demons: Peter “Ski” Oblamski 2 (4), Erik Cortes 2 (3), Molly Jacobs (2), S.B. (1), Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (1)
Rehabs: Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman (7), Stacy Kehoe (4), Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon (4), Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi (2), Juan “d@ $hoW” Garcia (1)

Mega Touch 0, What The Puck -1
What The Puck: Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri -1 (-1)
Shutout: Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz (2)

Sky Fighters 10, Mexican Standoff 0
Sky Fighters: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka 9 (16), Amy Lott (1)
Shutout: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (1)
Game Notes: Lott scored the game-winning goal two minutes into the game, with the assist credited to Cejka.

Dark Rainbows 14, Gouging Anklebiters 11
Dark Rainbows: Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell 4 (7), John Nielsen 3 (5), P.T. Walkley 2 (3), Josh Wilson 2 (3), Sean Reynolds (3), Dan “Danny Abs” Abdo (1), Jennie Brown (1), Lindsey Foehrenbach (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato 3 (4), Peter “Geech” Prohaska 2 (3), Charles DeFranco (5), Phil “Sandy” Donohue (3), Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (2), Amy Kovner (1), Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (1), Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner (1)
Game Notes: Dark Rainbows played the entire game without a goalie. Gouging Anklebiters pulled their goalie, Alex Owen, after he allowed his tenth goal of the day.

LBS, Inc. 35, Tuques 28
LBS, Inc.: “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin, 30 yard pass from Karsten Pichon (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 7, TUQ 0
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 45 yard field goal, LBS 7, TUQ 3
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 23 yard field goal, LBS 10, TUQ 3
Tuques: The Peter Wilson, 85 yard punt return (Bill Monahan kick is blocked), LBS 10, TUQ 9
LBS, Inc.: Sascha Puritz, 1 yard run (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 9
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 31 yard field goal, LBS 17, TUQ 12
Tuques: Karsten Pichon tackled in end zone by Lisa Harrington for a safety, LBS 17, TUQ 14
Tuques: Alfred Liu, 14 yard pass from David Ladanyi (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 21
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 52 yard field goal, LBS 20, TUQ 21
Tuques: Minkus, 102 yard interception return (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 20, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Sam Anthony, 8 yard run (Fernando Limonic pass from Karsten Pichon), LBS 28, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett fumble recovery in end zone (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 35, TUQ 28

Mathematics vs. Fresh Kills (Cancelled)
Game Notes: Game cancelled due to “rain fears”.