Sheer Brilliance


Not taken by Greg Altman.

Fresh Kills 6, Mega Touch 4

Fresh Kills: Nick Scott 2 (4), Dave Sokolyansky 2 (3), Ariel Imas (2), Patrick Moore (4)
Mega Touch: Brady Caldwell (4), Alok Ghai (2), Kirsten (1), Max Temescu (3)
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch (9)

Butchers 4, Corlears Hookers 3 (OT-SO)
Butchers: Jeff Laniando (10), Pete (1), Zack (1)
Corlears Hookers: Gavin Kearney 2 (8), Danilo Biagioni (8)
Goalie Win: Tim Burke (3)
Shootout: Butchers win 1-0. Pete with the successful attempt.

Gouging Anklebiters 2, Sky Fighters 1
Gouging Anklebiters: Larry (1), Joe Polowczuk (1)
Sky Fighters: Roman Teytelbaum (9)
Goalie Win: Craig LaCombe (2)

Gut Rot 2, Rehabs 1 (OT-SO)
Gut Rot: Mary Pratt (1)
Rehabs: Bryan Welch (4)
Goalie Win: Not yet reported
Shootout: Gut Rot wins 1-0. Mark Cheney with the successful attempt.

Dark Rainbows 1, Tompkins Square Riots 0
Dark Rainbows: Mike Roberts (3)
Shutout: Kevin Longwell (5)
Game Notes: Thanks to Dan Hopper and Sam Norris for having the top ref sheet of the week.

Filthier 7, What The Puck 1
Filthier: Denis Miciletto 2 (8), James Pereira 2 (5), Jessica Liu (2), Ann Mathews (2), Shafiq Perry (5)
What The Puck: Noah Carter (2)
Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (8)

Mathematics 3, Denim Demons 2
Mathematics: Amy Anderla (1), Nathan Norris (2), Cherie Stewart (9)
Denim Demons: Josh Rosen 2 (4)
Goalie Win: David Liang (8)

Cobra Kai 4, Poutine Machine 2
Cobra Kai: Dan Innamorato 2 (3), Doug Bova (2), J.J. Murphy (2)
Poutine Machine: Francois (1), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (4)
Goalie Win: Nicholas Blair (5)

LBS, Inc. 3, Instant Karma 0
LBS, Inc.: Karsten Pichon 2 (10), Sam Anthony (5)
Shutout: Tim “Barracuda” Brown (7)

Happy Little Elves 4, Gremlins 2
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes 3 (15), Miles (2)
Gremlins: Brian Hicks (13), Rod Sherwood (9)
Goalie Win: Steve Accardo (1)

Please submit any corrections to
Were you ever wondering how BTSH media decided to write on a certain topic? Were you subsequently wondering why you or your team may have not been getting much BTSH media love this year?! Well, this is a story of great proportions with roots to the same underlying problems of so much of the troubles on Wall Street—who takes the blame—no, not people—but algorithms!

It started off many years ago, prior to many of us even starting our BTSH careers. Prior to Tim being commissioner, prior to Adriano and Bob W, even. It started off so long ago, we don’t even know who made the purchase. But, whoever did spend a good chunk of money trying to make writing previews the most efficient as possible—relying solely on an acquisition of legacy IBM technology—spent far too much for the algorithmic BTSH Brainstormer 3000.

BTSH Brainstormer 3000
But, before you get a sneak peak into the mechanics of it all, you must watch and listen to this video in its entirety as you read (a requirement already specified by the Brainstormer):

It was the early 2000’s, right after the bubble burst, and IBM was looking to offload its proprietary software. Unfortunately for BTSH, we bought one of their “business machines” thinking the time value of preview writing would pay off. At that time, little did we know that IBM also loved wrestling, a future team named the Elves, and could not write about the LBS. because IBM was 1) jealous of their acronym and 2) didn’t know anybody on that dream team to write into their algorithm. But, we bought the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 anyways for, well, $3,000. It turns out that this wasn’t an algorithm at all, but really a $3,000 piece of shit Microsoft Excel macro, and all it did was randomly select a predetermined topic.

BTSH Brainstormer Blackbox
This week, however, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 finally selected an uncanny and mostly unwritten about team this year—Gut Rot—so Diane Johnston, you owe me a beer.

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
Fortunately for Mega Touch, the BTSH Brainstormer 3000 did not pick its longtime favorite of “No Mention of Mega Touch In Preview”. So, Mega Touch, are you going to pull off a win?!

Ben Chadwick: I think Mega Touch’s odds of winning are very slim.
John Walker: Mention something about Keogan…..
Sam Norris: I’m trying to write the previews, but all these guys want to do is play the ukulele…

Butchers at Corlears Hookers
John Walker: If the Butchers can pull off dueling hat tricks again this week, they’ll likely win. Or if Dana goes on a tear again.
Ben Chadwick: If I can score two goals on the Hookers, then I’m sure Jeff L. can score at least ten!
Sam Norris: Hookers supposedly beat Filthier with only 5 or 6 people, so it’ll be a tough game for my loved ones!

Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters

Ben Chadwick: Hey—that rhymes!
John Walker: I predict Kucera shaves 10 seconds off his natural hat trick time this week.
Sam Norris: This might be the game of the week, if it wasn’t for the fact that Ben and I are drunk and can’t think of a non-sequitur game of the week elsewhere in the world. That’s right—this is the GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Gut Rot at Rehabs

Sam Norris: Hey Ben, what are you currently playing on your ukulele right now? I’m trying to think, but this ‘Beautiful Balloon’ song is killing me. What do you think about for the Gut Rot v. Rehabs game? Both Gut Rot and the Rehabs are coming off losses from last week, so this should be one of the games of the week (but not thee game of the week as mentioned above!).
Ben Chadwick: Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?! I think, I think, I don’t know how this game is going to turn out, but I’ll be watching something else.

John Walker: Awesome—The 5th Dimension! No, no, not an exclamation point! No, no semicolon either! Sam, just put in a period!

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots

John Walker: Rainbows/Riots……Rainbows/Riots……let me think about this one real quick. Underrated goalies -Dave and that new goalie dude from the Rainbows both don’t get enough cred. I predict a goalie battle here.
That goalie dude from the Rainbows used to play out with his old school Mylec goalie mask, Sam did you ever see him do that — it was fucking awesome.
Sam Norris: His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! His name is Kevin Longwell! — Side note—I was intimidated by that goalie mask wearing player.

Ben Chadwick: Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots?! That would have been a good NY Post headline in 1990.

What The Puck at Filthier
Ben Chadwick: Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Where the hell is that quote from? What does that mean, Ben?
Ben Chadwick: It’s from The Wire.
John Walker: I’ve never seen The Wire.

Denim Demons at Mathematics

John Walker: I haven’t seen Coach in weeks.
Ben Chadwick: Demons and Math, huh… Where the fuck is Wallace?!
Sam Norris: Damn, Math! We’ve got half our team OOO and Rox is injured—fuck!!! Well, it should still be a good game. Lee, Paul, Nick, & Nathan: loser pays bar tab at our next Fishmarket trip.

Poutine Machine at Cobra Kai
Ben Chadwick: These are two things I don’t want to eat.
John Walker: No, seriously, where the fuck is Coach?
Sam Norris: Will Poutine notch a win against a highly underrated team?! Will Altman intimidate Poutine with funny and weird Mexican wrestling masks?! I don’t know, but this will be a fun and good game!

Instant Karma at LBS, Inc.
Ben Chadwick: Yo, where the fuck is Wallace?! No, shit, this is my team—I’m going to say something better than that! We don’t have to have a literal transcript: stop typing everything I say! I think Karma is going to win.
John Walker: I hope Karma needs subs tomorrow because I want to play 2 games. Oh, shit, we’re playing at the same time…
Sam Norris: Pounds—they’re pretty good this year. Karma—they’re also pretty good this year. Where the fuck is Ryann Geldner?!

Happy Little Elves at Gremlins
Since this is the last preview, we reran the BTSH Brainstormer 3000—and you won’t believe what it had to say!

BTSH Brainstormer 3000 V2
The Brainstormer predicted rain fears—despite the other court playing, this game is going to be rained out!

Emeritus Note: On Sunday, the Happy Little Elves beat Mega Touch for their first victory of the season.  To help celebrate such a momentous event, we decided to remind everyone of the last time the Elves ended a long regular season losing streak. This post was originally published on April 28, 2009.

The Elves’ Fan Base Is Growing

Elves Win!

Elves Win! Elves Win! (Seriously)
After several weeks of near misses, the Happy Little Elves finally notched their first regular season win since April 13, 2008, a drought that stretched for 378 days. An early goal by forward Chris O’Neill set the tone immediately, as the Elves cruised to a 3-0 victory over the Unicorns. Goalie Ronald Bettenhauser turned aside every shot he faced, earning the first shutout in Elves history.

With this victory, the Elves continue their relative mastery against teams that have yellow as a uniform color base. They are now 2-1 overall against the Tuques and Unicorns, but 0-17-1-1 against all other teams. As captain Ben Chadwick looks to continue this run of success, he has begun to analyze what went right against the Unicorns. Ironically, he was shocked to discover that the absence of Ben Chadwick might have been the primary cause of their stellar play. As Chadwick is known for keeping a trim roster, it is unclear whether he will leave Chadwick in the lineup for this Sunday’s game.

Despite this win, the Elves did not gain possession of the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup in 2009.

[Continue Reading…]
The word “natural” is thrown around a lot – all-natural products, natural ingredients, etc.  But what does it really mean?

Merriam-Webster defines “natural” in this way:

: existing in nature and not made or caused by people : coming from nature

: not having any extra substances or chemicals added : not containing anything artificial

: usual or expected

why does this matter?  none of this crap matters. what we’re really talking about here is one of Merriam’s alternate defintions for “natural”:

:  implanted or being as if implanted by nature :  seemingly inborn <a natural talent for hockey>

Robert Kucera 1Robert Kucera 3

Robert Kucera of the Sky Fighters put his natural talent on display last Sunday when he scored a NATURAL hat-trick in ONE SHIFT, single-handedly winning the game for his Sky Fighters within the span of about 1 minute.  Yes, you read that correctly – all 3 goals came within the span of ONE MINUTE. I was standing on the sidelines talking to some people, and we had to keep turning around when we heard the celebrations – “oh the Sky Fighters scored.  wait, the Sky Fighters scored again??  and AGAIN???”. the 2nd two goals came almost immediately right off of the faceoffs. League thug Derek Tagliarino called it “one of the top 5 most incredible things I’ve seen in this league.”

We have to agree.  A truly amazing feat.  Nice work, Kucera. We are honestly in awe.  

Please don’t do this when you play the Gremlins. 

3 stars
3rd star: Greg Altman – Cobra Kai

Who said considerate and thoughtful can’t earn you a star? Greg made a special effort to offer and bring us the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican wrestling masks. Thinking of us from abroad, Greg showed up like a kitschy and cool Santa Claus with a sack full of these things…..laughing all the way. Not only did he come bearing gifts, he played AND reffed a game. Thanks for thinking of us, Altman.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – BTSH isn’t only about hockey, it’s about community.
2nd star: James Stewart and Cherie Stewart – Mathematics

James and Cherie

There were no Norrises in sight (due to a family reunion) for this always friendly matchup.  It turned out Math didnt need them in order to get the victory as James notched a hat trick and Cherie put up 2.  The sibling dream team combined for all 5 of Math’s goals in their 5-3 victory over my Gremlins. If I didnt like them both so much, I might hate them for this.  ha.  Great game, Stewarts. 
ps – the question remains, though: should I feel personally proud for keeping the always lethal Joey Batista off the score sheet in that game?   No.  No, pride is definitely not something I felt after that game. haha. 

1st star: Dana Kravis – Butchers

Dana and Schuie Dana Kravis

And the 1st star of the week goes to long-time league favorite Dana Kravis. If Dana is someone not known for leading the league in scoring each season, she could’ve fooled this reporter yesterday. The Butchers have a ton of firepower, but none of those shooters found themselves on the score sheet yesterday.  Dana took matters into her own hands scoring the only Butchers goal in regulation AND the only shootout goal, cementing the 2-1 victory for her team. I happened to be watching this shootout and Dana made a great forehand-backhand move, and slid it right underneath the diving ‘tender.  the crowd went wild.  Captain Rachel Greene even ran out onto the rink and lifted up the game’s star after the glorious goal. Congratulations to a player who embodies everything BTSH should be.
A well-deserved 1st star, Dana.

Honorable mention: Jamie Batuwantudawe – Gremlins
Jamie played 3 games yesterday. You may be thinking “what’s the big deal, Jamie regularly plays 3 games a Sunday?” The difference yesterday was that he played 3 BACK-TO-BACK AT THE HOTTEST POINTS OF THE DAY – the 1pm, 2pm, and 3pm games. with the heat index rising to 104 degrees (!!!) Jamie suited up when no other goalies would/could. The difference is that for once I don’t think Jamie wanted to play all these games, and he definitely didn’t expect to have to. He did it because no other goalies were about, and because he is a league nice guy. Other goalies yesterday were quoted as saying: “Wow, much respect for Jamie.” and “I couldn’t have done what he did.” and “What the fuck was he thinking, is he insane???” 
He even managed to log a shutout playing for Cobra Kai.  We won’t talk about how he did in the other 2 games.