This Is Half True

Not even gonna lie...I totally ripped this from Nikki Bella's Instagram.

Not even gonna lie…I totally ripped this from Nikki Bella’s Instagram.


Mega Touch 4, Gremlins 3 (OT-SO)
Mega Touch: Adriano Bratta 2 (2), Brady Caldwell (1)
Gremlins: Rod Sherwood 2 (3), Brian Hicks (4)
Goalie Win: Michael Tuckman (1)
Shootout: Mega Touch wins 2-1.  Bratta and Alex Eben Meyer with successful attempts for Mega Touch. Hicks with the successful attempt for the Gremlins.

Fresh Kills 4, Filthier 3 (OT)
Fresh Kills: Gabe Chenard 2 (5), Pete Gordon (1), Mike Sokolyansky (1)
Filthier: Sunny Mehra (1), Denis Miciletto (1), Shafiq Perry (1)
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch (2)

Rehabs 5, Happy Little Elves 0
Rehabs: Bradley Starr 3 (3), Rob B. (2), Ramy Odeh (3)
Shutout: $h0wT!m3 (1)

Cobra Kai 5, LBS, Inc. 4 (OT)
Cobra Kai: Sebastian Asaro 2 (3), Rachel Longley 2 (2), Deb Conway (2)
LBS, Inc.: Tommy Capatosta 2 (2), Jason Bogdaneris (1), Scott (1)
Goalie Win: Nicholas Blair (2)
Game Notes: Asaro’s second goal was the OT winner.

Poutine Machine 3, What The Puck 2
Poutine Machine: Kevin MacDonald (1), Jeff Ruel (1), Rob Valenza (2)
What The Puck: Dave MacCallum (2), Steven Yu (1)
Goalie Win: Scott Heese (1)
Game Notes: New WTPer Mike Dudolevtich won his second faceoff of the season in the loss.

Butchers 3, Sky Fighters 1
Butchers: Arthur Revechkis 2 (4), Jeff Laniando (4)
Sky Fighters: Robert Kucera (1)
Goalie Win: Mike Rosen (3)

Gouging Anklebiters 1, Tompkins Square Riots 0
Gouging Anklebiters: Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher (1)
Shutout: Joe Kozlowski (via free agency)

Corlears Hookers 3, Denim Demons 2
Corlears Hookers: Jason Eitel 2 (3), C.J. Anderson (1)
Denim Demons: Zach Fein (2), Jeff Kamen (3)
Goalie Win: Not yet reported

Mathematics 3, Dark Rainbows 1
Mathematics: Eli Kazin (2), Cherie Stewart (2), James Stewart (3)
Dark Rainbows: David Bernstein (2)
Goalie Win: David Liang (3)

Instant Karma 3, Gut Rot 0
Instant Karma: Isaac Stewart (1), Cory Vernoia (3), The Peter Wilson (1)
Shutout: Mike Maloney (1)

Please submit any corrections to derek@btsh.org

But first—Please Sign up for the Rose Charities Tournament this Saturday before you can access the 3 Stars of the week.  This is the honor system; you can access the 3 Stars without signing up, but then you’ll have to live with how you failed BTSH rule #1–Don’t be a dick–Sign up today!

http://www.btsh.org/bruise/btsh-related/annual-rose-charities-tournament/

Rose Flyer 2015

Have you been being spammed by this tourney?!  We hope so, and hope to see you there!  But, now onto the content you came here for…

This week on 3 Stars, Sarah Moore captures the highly coveted and only-possible-at-the-beginning-of-the-season, ACE of Pace award!  You just have to tell Ace you won the award, and maybe they’ll give you a free High Life.  I’m not sure if they have ever heard of this award, yet…

Sarah Moore Ace of Pace
In the past two weeks, she’s potted more goals than I think everyone, guys included, and is tied with Ryan G on Instant Karma (I know, Rich, Derek, and Eli, shootout goals don’t count—but when they win you the game—they count more than any other goal in my book (except those goals that aren’t in shootouts that still win you the game))

2nd Star: The Demons

Oftentimes the Demons don’t get much press, other than Jen’s own FB posts, which some, if not all, would call self-promotion.  But, when you take down the 2014 PBR Cup champs–you’re going to get a star and a little publicity. And, when I say “take down the 2014 PBR Cup champs,” I mean you shadowed Gabe the whole game.  Nice work, Demons!

Demons' Star Pic
3rd Star: Rich Glanzer

Few people know this, but you don’t actually have to be at a game on Sunday to become a star.  BTSH is all about what you do on the court AND off the court.  While most of you don’t ever want to know what Rich does off the court nightly from 1:05am to 1:05:28am (and sometimes makes it an extra 4 seconds to 1:05:32am), this time is worth it. While away, Rich did more than talk to tranny strippers in Las Vegas. Rich lived up to his name for the first time and made a bunch of monaayyyy while also starting his modeling career for charitable organizations!!!

Here is the only money shot Rich has ever had:

Rich's Money


Who wouldn’t want to donate after feeling so bad about the person in the photo?! 

Model Rich

 

Filthier Wins Again

dasfsd

Ironically, Denis still hasn’t scored yet this season…but at least, I got to make a wrestling reference!


Butchers 6, Dark Rainbows 2
Butchers: Arthur Revechkis 2 (2), Matt Shore 2 (3), Jeff Laniando (3), Arnold Sanchez (1)
Dark Rainbows: Rem Garavito (1), Kevin (1)
Goalie Win: Mike Rosen (2)

Gut Rot 3, Poutine Machine 0
Gut Rot: Jerry Chavez (2), Scott Kollar (1), Scott Pietrzak (1)
Shutout: Eric Ramirez (1)

LBS, Inc. 3, Corlears Hookers 1
LBS, Inc.: Jake Chaplin 2 (3), Dustin Shutes (1)
Corlears Hookers: Jason Eitel (1)
Goalie Win: Tim Brown (1)

Filthier 3, Sky Fighters 1
Filthier: Ben Bloom (1), Jessica Liu (1), James Pereira (1)
Sky Fighters: Greg Infanti (1)
Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (2)

Denim Demons 3, Fresh Kills 2 (OT)
Denim Demons: Jeff Kamen 2 (2), Zach Fein (1)
Fresh Kills: Gabe Chenard (3), Dave Sokolyanksy (1)
Goalie Win: Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (1)

Mathematics 5, Mega Touch 0
Mathematics: Joey Batista (2), Brad Schmidt (1), Cherie Stewart (1), James Stewart (2), Derek Tagliarino (1)
Shutout: David Liang (2)

Gouging Anklebiters 2, Happy Little Elves 1 (OT-SO)
Gouging Anklebiters: Charles DeFranco (1)
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes (1)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (via Gremlins)
Shootout: Biters win 1-0. Successful attempt by Sarah Moore.

Rehabs 4, Instant Karma 2
Rehabs: Ramy Odeh 2 (2), Rob B. (1), $h0wT!m3 (1)
Instant Karma: Alfred Liu (1), Eric (1)
Goalie Win: Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (via Demons)

Cobra Kai 3, What The Puck 2
Cobra Kai: Tom 2 (2), Deb Conway (1)
What The Puck: Justin Michaliga (1), Charlie Spelina (1)
Goalie Win: Nicholas Blair (1)

Gremlins 4, Tompkins Square Riots 3 (OT-SO)
Gremlins: Brian Hicks (3), Maire Lane (2), Rod Sherwood (1)
Tompkins Square Riots: Jenn A. (2), Pierre-Alexandre Labelle (2), Drew Loken (2)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (2)
Shootout: Gremlins win 1-0 (in nine rounds). Successful attempt by Maire Lane.

Please submit all corrections to derek@btsh.org

Many teams have had to garner subway ad endorsements to make Sunday summer fun 2015 at Tompkins possible, Hseih reports.  

A note to the reader: this is what I remember from these interviews, word for word, if, I had actually interviewed them, which I cannot remember.  –Hsieh

I caught up with Ryan from the Gremlins to hear his heart-wrenching story.

“The Gremlins love BTSH, and we always held this league in a special place in our hearts,” Ryan started.  “However, after hearing the news of what was coming down the pipe in reffing fees, I am in shock.  I knew it meant one thing—I didn’t have the money, none of us did—I would have to sell my 1970 AMC Gremlin, our team’s mascot and clown car, which we have so many great memories of all 15 of us getting in and driving to Tompkins Square hoping we wouldn’t get rear-ended.  Rodney has to part with his 1971 Ford Pinto now, too.  It’s a sad day to be a Gremlin…” (Ryan breaks into tears) 
“And now! I just got word that our goalie, Jamie—had to sell all of his clothes for pennies on the dollar, in order to play this year because he has to pay the increase for all five teams he plays on.  What is he going to do—he only owns a pair of mesh shorts and sunglasses now!  This still wasn’t enough money, so we had to get an endorsement and change our name.  We are legally now the NanoBraces… we are so broke… what are we, the MTA?!  The horror—the horror…”(Ryan continues to cry, falling onto his knees)

Endorsements

I wasn’t sure if I could do another interview, after hearing what the Gremlins were going through.  Luckily, the Gremlins NanoBraces invited me out for their last clown car to Tompkins ride of their careers.  

It was a sad ride, but soon we were in Alphabet City. Things went from sad to worse.  Off in the distance, we recognized two folks.  I know fundraising is hard, but it appeared two BTSHers sprung up something harder. Anklebiter Craig “Touch My Dinkus” LaCombe and Pounder Tommy C-Lami were enjoying their teams fundraising methods so much, it appeared they quit their jobs to permanently touch their toes for people near Tompkins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVhZT1tHzg

John Walker puked, Rodney pulled out a dollar, we drove away as fast as possible.

We got back to Tompkins to catch up with the man presumably so downtrodden, we could barely do the interview…

“Dan Hopper! Where are you living now? I know that Williamsburg rent just keeps going up and up, the Oasis falafel place raised their rates from $3 a pita to $4.50, $5 beer and shot specials are getting harder to find by the minute in the Burg.  How are you handling this?”

“Why do you look so glum, Hsieh—I just put down on an apartment in Tribeca—SHIT! I never thought I could say I was a rich man, but thanks to BTSH and those few captains, I’ve finally made it!  Before, I thought I’d just be a lowly renter being a pioneer my whole life gentrifying neighborhoods before rich trust funders outgentrified me, only then to be kicked out by them!  Now, I already got a superbowl ad spot for 30 seconds—and it’s just a picture of my face!  Hell, I’ve got so much money from reffing the first week, I was going to see Dr. Zizmor, then realized, fuck—I can just buy the man and make him my personal doctor!  Life’s good, damn good.” And then a car horn went off, Hopper gave me the finger. 

“Well lame-o, that’s my ride!” and wandered to his limo that just showed up.

Rich Ref Dan