Youâve Got Male
I must say, we are tickled pink that the priorities and values of the BTSH Lady are finally taking center stage. Sam was a doll to scratch the surface with this formidable piece of journalism, however we wonder (as much as our female minds are able to) if he stopped short of truly showcasing all the dimensions of the modern BTSH woman. We looked to an experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, to dive deeper into these deep dishes. We hope you enjoy the feature.
“You’ve Got Male”
by Ophelia Baulls
Photos by Anita P. Ness
The task of reporting on the diverse ladies of BTSH was daunting, I’ll confess. In the end, though, what a gas it was to spend some time with these dames! They are a shining example of what the modern woman can be and do. I dove right into their bustling lives, and came out inspired, and a bit drunk.
Meredith
Ophelia: Meredith, what is your primary focus when there are so many responsibilities to juggle?
Meredith: Well, Ophelia, Iâm quite a whiz in the kitchen. Keeping the babies warm and the vodka cold are my top priorities!
Ophelia: With those priorities, you could easily win Wife of the Year. Any advice for the single ladies out there?
Meredith: Hm, my mother always said, âEverything you do, do it well.â
Meredith: Whoops! Perhaps a bit too well-done!
Ophelia: Amy, you manage everything so effortlessly! Whatâs your secret?
Ophelia: But HOW do you manage it? Itâs as if you have two sets of arms.
Amy: MARRIED!
Ophelia: So, if getting married is the secret to having it all, what is the secret to getting married?
Amy: Never let him see you poop.
Ophelia: I canât print that.
Amy: Hmmm. I love playing games with the kids? [Ophelia nods.] It keeps my body curvy and my smile fresh!
Coco
Ophelia: Coco, youâre a career gal. In this day and age, how do you spend quality time at home after a long day at the office?
Coco: Well, Ophelia, I think you need to involve the children in your favorite activities. I read to the little darlings every night.
Ophelia: Well, they certainly seem spellbound. Coco, you have triplets! How ever did you regain your slim physique after such a challenging pregnancy?
Coco: It was surprisingly easy, Ophelia – I used to be a real meat-and-potatoes kind of girl, but I gave that up for a new regimen of cigarettes and whiskey, and absolutely no water. I was back in my old dresses in two shakes of a lambs tail. I seem to have lost a tooth though.
Cathy
Ophelia: Cathy, I was saddened to hear that you recently became a widow. Are you able tell our readers what happened to your husband?
Cathy: Thank you, Ophelia. The doctors donât know quite what happened. Â They think that it was perhaps an allergic reaction or a terrible case of food poisoning.
Cathy: I suppose weâll never know.
Ophelia: So tragic. But on the bright side, you wear mourning so well! Youâre currently planning a funeral and keeping yourself pretty. So much to do, so little time – how will you ever find a new husband?
Cathy: I just donât know Ophelia! Iâm so busy sometimes I donât know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt! But I find joy in multi-tasking. Only a woman can truly be successful at this approach [she winks]. Actually, I am preparing for a dinner date right now! Keep your fingers crossed!
Liza
Ophelia: Liza you seem very dedicated to a tidy home, and yet you look the perfect picture. Would you say your time management skills are the secret sauce?
Liza: Ophelia, you just have to attack it.
Liza: ATTACK it, and when itâs doneâŚ.[Liza leans in.] …you let your hair down, put your lipstick on, and –
Ophelia: Let the Calgon take you away?
Liza [nodding]: Itâs like the drapes vacuumed themselves.
Dana
Ophelia: Dana – what a sight you are coming home to your husband! You sure know how to put yourself together.
Dana: Thank you, Ophelia. I tell you, the afternoons at the club are a joy unto themselves, but I canât wait to burst through the door to be a ray of sunshine to my wonderful, hard-working, handsome husband. Itâs what the French call âJe ne sais quoiâ.
Ophelia: Ah! I’m not familiar, what does that translate to?
Dana: Well, O-pheeeel-YAH, it translates to âthat no-good, son-a-of-bitch stuffed his paycheck into a hookers g-string one too many timesâ. That motherf**ker is gonna get the stem of this martini gla-
Ophelia: Oh marital turmoil! I..uh..yes we know home life can be quite the roller coaster, donât we ladies?
Dana: You think youâre better than me?
Diana
Ophelia: With two small children and a home to run, how do you manage keep yourself up for your husband?
Diana: Oh donât be silly, itâs a simple recipe darling. Equal parts waterproof mascara, lipstick, vermouth, a dash of gumption, and a tiny gin-soaked heart. And it doesnât hurt to have a tit at the ready.
Ophelia: How do you greet your husband when he comes through the door?
Diana: âPaint me like one of your French girls.â
Rachel
Rachel burned a bundt cake earlier this year, and is taking some time to retreat and reflect on her commitment to her household. While not immediately available for comment, we are told she is doing well and seeking holistic treatment abroad to cleanse herself of this unfortunate incident.
Betty
Betty once wore pants. Betty never married. Â