I must say, we are tickled pink that the priorities and values of the BTSH Lady are finally taking center stage. Sam was a doll to scratch the surface with this formidable piece of journalism, however we wonder (as much as our female minds are able to) if he stopped short of truly showcasing all the dimensions of the modern BTSH woman. We looked to an experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, to dive deeper into these deep dishes. We hope you enjoy the feature.
“You’ve Got Male”
by Ophelia Baulls
Photos by Anita P. Ness
The task of reporting on the diverse ladies of BTSH was daunting, I’ll confess. In the end, though, what a gas it was to spend some time with these dames! They are a shining example of what the modern woman can be and do. I dove right into their bustling lives, and came out inspired, and a bit drunk.
Ophelia: Meredith, what is your primary focus when there are so many responsibilities to juggle?
Meredith: Well, Ophelia, I’m quite a whiz in the kitchen. Keeping the babies warm and the vodka cold are my top priorities!
Ophelia: With those priorities, you could easily win Wife of the Year. Any advice for the single ladies out there?
Meredith: Hm, my mother always said, “Everything you do, do it well.”
Meredith: Whoops! Perhaps a bit too well-done!
Ophelia: Amy, you manage everything so effortlessly! What’s your secret?
Ophelia: But HOW do you manage it? It’s as if you have two sets of arms.
Ophelia: So, if getting married is the secret to having it all, what is the secret to getting married?
Amy: Never let him see you poop.
Ophelia: I can’t print that.
Ophelia: Coco, you’re a career gal. In this day and age, how do you spend quality time at home after a long day at the office?
Coco: Well, Ophelia, I think you need to involve the children in your favorite activities. I read to the little darlings every night.
Ophelia: Well, they certainly seem spellbound. Coco, you have triplets! How ever did you regain your slim physique after such a challenging pregnancy?
Coco: It was surprisingly easy, Ophelia – I used to be a real meat-and-potatoes kind of girl, but I gave that up for a new regimen of cigarettes and whiskey, and absolutely no water. I was back in my old dresses in two shakes of a lambs tail. I seem to have lost a tooth though.
Ophelia: Cathy, I was saddened to hear that you recently became a widow. Are you able tell our readers what happened to your husband?
Ophelia: So tragic. But on the bright side, you wear mourning so well! You’re currently planning a funeral and keeping yourself pretty. So much to do, so little time – how will you ever find a new husband?
Cathy: I just don’t know Ophelia! I’m so busy sometimes I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt! But I find joy in multi-tasking. Only a woman can truly be successful at this approach [she winks]. Actually, I am preparing for a dinner date right now! Keep your fingers crossed!
Ophelia: Liza you seem very dedicated to a tidy home, and yet you look the perfect picture. Would you say your time management skills are the secret sauce?
Liza: Ophelia, you just have to attack it.
Liza: ATTACK it, and when it’s done….[Liza leans in.] …you let your hair down, put your lipstick on, and –
Ophelia: Let the Calgon take you away?
Liza [nodding]: It’s like the drapes vacuumed themselves.
Ophelia: Dana – what a sight you are coming home to your husband! You sure know how to put yourself together.
Dana: Thank you, Ophelia. I tell you, the afternoons at the club are a joy unto themselves, but I can’t wait to burst through the door to be a ray of sunshine to my wonderful, hard-working, handsome husband. It’s what the French call “Je ne sais quoi”.
Ophelia: Ah! I’m not familiar, what does that translate to?
Dana: Well, O-pheeeel-YAH, it translates to “that no-good, son-a-of-bitch stuffed his paycheck into a hookers g-string one too many times”. That motherf**ker is gonna get the stem of this martini gla-
Ophelia: Oh marital turmoil! I..uh..yes we know home life can be quite the roller coaster, don’t we ladies?
Dana: You think you’re better than me?
Ophelia: With two small children and a home to run, how do you manage keep yourself up for your husband?
Diana: Oh don’t be silly, it’s a simple recipe darling. Equal parts waterproof mascara, lipstick, vermouth, a dash of gumption, and a tiny gin-soaked heart. And it doesn’t hurt to have a tit at the ready.
Ophelia: How do you greet your husband when he comes through the door?
Diana: “Paint me like one of your French girls.”
Rachel burned a bundt cake earlier this year, and is taking some time to retreat and reflect on her commitment to her household. While not immediately available for comment, we are told she is doing well and seeking holistic treatment abroad to cleanse herself of this unfortunate incident.
Betty once wore pants. Betty never married.