by Jerome

What I’ve seen for 13 consecutive seasons holds true and will hold true for as long as this league stands: there will always be one or two teams that fight until the very last week to not be looked at as contenders, but as beacons for what BTSH stands for: fun (drinking, being social) and family (developing friendships and for some, partnerships of the romantic kind). I know that some teams, too, are looking for that equilibrium in order to show others that Ls bring on more negative emotions than Ws bringing positive ones. We’re hoping the prom could solve some of these issues. But for now, let’s build some rumor hype, speculation, or just flat-out bullshit on why some teams still want to play until the last whistle of the last game of the season… what’s in it for them?

DAVE GDR CONFERENCE

Soko Division

 

Fresh Kills (31 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1^st, League – 1^st
Remaining Games: Corlears Hookers, Butchers
Reason to Continue: The Golden State Fresh Kills perhaps already achieved the league summit with an overtime loss against Filthier sans Suvin, but the aim would be to remain undefeated in regulation, a feat that has never been produced in the Tompkins era.
Potential Wins: 2

 

Rehabs (26 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2^nd, League – 2^nd
Remaining Games: Gremlins, LBS Inc.
Reason to Continue: The rossoneri would like to see themselves prosper through the dance, but that would possibly mean maintaining momentum through the rest of the season. Such would instill fear in opponents, which would be enough to catch Ws for as long as they would like.
Potential Wins: 2

 

Filthier (24 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 3^rd, League – 5^th
Remaining Games: Cobra Kai, Fuzz
Reason to Continue: Suvin has been one of the keys to proving the team’s success, and they’ve been piling on the Ws quietly while other teams were willingly walking into the spotlights and three-star articles. James and Sunny want to prove they can succeed without their main man, with hands clutching onto Kleenex(es) to remember his tenure.
Potential Wins: 1

  

LBS, Inc. (20 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4^th, League – 8^th
Remaining Games:  Mega Touch, Rehabs
Reason to Continue: It is LBS’ best interest to get into the #7~#12 seed range, which is very possible. Our Disney®-singing, backwards hat-wearing ball of energy who shall not be named would, at the moment, be fine with this spot, knowing that he won’t be bothered and can concentrate on what his roles will be as the postseason approaches.
Potential Wins: 1

 

Fuzz (16 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 5^th, League – 13^th
Remaining Games: Instant Karma, Filthier
Reason to Continue: At best, The Sultan’s slaves should keep trying to win in order to avoid being in the play-in pool. An underwhelming season filled with upsets—particularly from Gut Rot—the 18 games can be put to rest with a successful playoff run. This means the pro-Fuzz group will have to weed out the, “This group sucks, I’m out” people and get the remainder of them committed to the team.
Potential Wins: 1

CMB Division

 

Butchers (19 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1^st, League – 9^th
Remaining Games: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills
Reason to Continue: The dirty tide—particularly the female veteran trident of Rachel, Georgine, and MDF—have such a great record but know the consequences of having it. Winners of this division will likely have a strict 2018 schedule, even if they’re premier division contenders. That said, maybe they’ll throw the last two games… who knows?
Potential Wins: 1

 

Mathematics (18 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2^nd, League – 11^th
Remaining Games: Poutine Machine, Denim Demons
Reason to Continue: All of them had to have experienced a dizzying 2017 season. We can forgive them because its players run different committees, ref, and just get hung over like the rest of us. But we also know that they’re better than what they are on paper, so it’s imperative to fight these last two for good playoff standing, or it’ll be yet another season that they’ll be screwed.
Potential Wins: 2

 

Sky Fighters (16 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 3^rd, League – 14^th
Remaining Games: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters
Reason to Continue: The glory that once belonged to the Sky Fighters early in the Tompkins era is similar to the candle in Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”. As Wikipedia describes the song as a “sympathetic portrayal” of one’s life, we can classify the Fighters’ fall from dynastic rule in recent years as a sob story of sorts. The attempt of having a protagonist in Mike T. is commendable, but then you think of the greats like one-man wonder Martin C. and question where they’ve all gone. No doubt will they aim for a .500 record.
Potential Wins: 2

 

Gouging Anklebiters (13 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4^th, League – 15^th
Remaining Games: Gut Rot, Sky Fighters
Reason to Continue: Undoubtedly it’s been fun for the team donning Swedish colors. Their team song conceptually is Big Sean’s “IDFWU” and they’ve been partying it up since Week 1. Things took a turn last Sunday when Worky decided to manscape his face with a pedo-stache, but overall it’s been a chill 2017 for Schuie’s smartalecks. They can certainly win their last two if they put in the good ‘ol college try, after which they’ll potentially land at the top of the play-in group.
Potentials Wins: 1

 

Denim Demons (6 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 5^th, League – 19^th
Remaining Games: What the Puck, Mathematics
Reason to Continue: The collaboration between Jenn and Adam has been progressing, and while the results haven’t been fruitful yet, there is still a lot of optimism within. They’ve certainly established identity, and all that’s left is experience. Have all the players experience the rest of the season, and the playoffs, and the following season will surely bring on more recruits and better results for them.
Potential Wins: 1

HORNSWOGGLE CONFERENCE

Katz Division

 

Cobra Kai (26 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1^st, League – 3^rd
Remaining Games: Filthier, Corlears Hookers
Reason to Continue: The Dojo is in a race with two other teams to clinch the division, which has been the most ruthless of the four. Altman’s persistence to rally on his team has somehow, telepathically, reached his current squad, armed with a “never say die” attitude. It’s paying off. Nabatz and Russell have been solid fixtures for the team, and the media glosses over these grinders for not being on the scoresheet; however, their ability to pull their team through one game after another may help them snatch the division.
Potential Wins: 0

 

Corlears Hookers (25 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2^nd, League – 4^th
Remaining Games: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai
Reason to Continue: This very physical outfit is the other team chasing The Dojo. Depending on who the core ref is, this team is the kind that will, much to Cobra Kai’s surprise, will strike first and without warning, and their goals will count in the process. But much to their dismay, the final two games won’t be easy, and so it’s not only the desire to clinch the division, it’s also the pride of exhibiting their style of play that all the Hookers are putting on the line to achieve promotion.
Potential Wins: 1

 

Gremlins (24 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 3^rd, League – 6^th
Remaining Games: Rehabs, Mega Touch
Reason to Continue: The first of two teams trying steal The Dojo’s thunder has the scoring personnel to make it happen. Even though their next match is against the defensively staunch Rehabs, the Gremmies have always found a way to get one (or two). Closing with Mega Touch may or may not be too late for them, so it’s imperative they try to overtake the rossoneri in regulation.
Potential Wins: 1

 

Instant Karma (9 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4^th, League – 16^th
Remaining Games: Fuzz, Gut Rot
Reason to Continue: Isaac’s enlightened ones might be in a state of shock after their last few. The squad had matches at their grasp but the finishing simply fell short of expectations. Not to mention attendance at the latter half of the summer schedule has left Karma brass asking questions about future rosters. It’s whom the team can hold onto that matters; telling them it’s worthy for them to fight to hold the division is of utmost importance, lest Mega do to them what they did to Poutine last year (leapfrogging to achieve a better position).
Potential Wins: 1

 

Mega Touch (7 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 5^th, League – 17^th
Remaining Games: LBS, Inc, Gremlins (division)
Reason to Continue: Julie hopes to salvage pride in her team, as the odds of relegation are higher for them than Karma, whose form hasn’t been positive, either. This bunch has been chill all season, and though some have emerged from Tompkins East with blood sluicing down their cheeks, they’ve nonetheless been able to shake the hands of their opponents with little to no malice at all (hint: they’ve been following the example of Alok, a Canadian). Mega will also be playing for a little luck to go their way if they truly desire to stay in the division. Only one team, though, will experience schadenfreude.
Potential Wins: 0

Michaliga Division

 

Poutine Machine (22 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 1^st, League – 7^th
Remaining Games: Mathematics, What the Puck
Reason to Continue: For the first time in years, our French-fry fanatics have the wherewithal to win their own division and be awarded a great playoff seed. The squad can seal the envelope with a win over Math, a team that has been around .500 all season. H/T to Jo-Ann, Kevin, and (ugh) BSA for changing the team’s reputation for the greater good, while gathering the right recruits to bolster the current lineup. Certainly, the aim is to keep WTP frustrated, especially when Puck’s schedule seems marginally easier.
Potential Wins: 1

 

What The Puck (19 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 2^nd, League – 10^th
Remaining Games: Denim Demons, Poutine Machine
Reason to Continue: Ever since Justin got a division named after him, Orange Crush has been… crushing it. Particularly with Hoggswoggle in the roster. They can take the division if the opportunity is there, and they won’t hesitate to do it. League surprise Gut Rot is right on their tail, though Puck might breathe a sigh of relief knowing its schedule is much easier than that of the green men (and women). Should Poutine fail to chalk off two more points in their last two, expect a late birthday present for Captain Emily.
Potential Wins: 1

 

Gut Rot, Bitches (17 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 3^rd, League – 12^th
Remaining Games: Gouging Anklebiters, Instant Karma
Reason to Continue: Peaches’ posse has turned a new leaf this season; with Ellery part-timing it, Gut Rot’s skipper has to rely on his veterans (Tommy, Luke, Morgen, Ashley, Diane) to keep cool while the remainder of the year heats up. Ideally, they’ll not want to spoil their spectacular season by aiming for a play-in game, so instead they’ll try to sabotage Puck’s and Poutine’s chances at winning the division and ending W18 explosively.
Potential Wins: 1

 

Tompkins Square Riots (7 pts)

Current Standings: Division – 4^th, League – 18^th
Remaining Games: Sky Fighters, Dark Rainbows
Reason to Continue: Dave GDR and company will want to show that they’re not weak as their record shows. Sure, a tough loss to Cobra Kai last weekend might have made the veteran netminder a little despondent. But he also knows that in order to make a team ascend in the ranks (similar to Gut Rot), it will take some time. The squad has talented players like Suz and Laura who can help Christina R. and David F. continue in their development. Meanwhile, it’s in the works that our resident celebrity Vanck will receive offseason training from one of the most highly respected players in the league… so stay tuned!
Potential Wins: 1

 

Dark Rainbows (1 pt)

Current Standings: Division – 5^th, League – 20^th
Remaining Games: Butchers, Tompkins Square Riots
Reason to Continue: It turns out that the brightest of the bunch has been the figurative doormat for the rest of the league. Sure, laugh at them while you can. Remember that nearly a decade ago, a certain franchise was in the same situation, and it only took two more seasons to achieve what its players thought was damn near impossible. The remainder of games this season should be spent playing hockey and having fun while doing it, and not get so tense about the postseason. Tia, Josh, and Rem have been considerably chill throughout the year, even when the media [sadly, but accurately] predicted thrashings. But they didn’t complain about their departures, and moved on with the people they had. Props to the lot of you for being strong!
Potential Wins: 1