BTSH WEEKLY RECAP – 25 JULY 2007
by Eli Kazin and Derek Tagliarino
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I don∂t see what the big deal with the rain was… it was just water. Catch me at the courts, the bars, or email me at themajordeegan@yahoo.com with anything noteworthy. Onto the results…
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The Games

THEY DON∂T CALL HIM “COOP” BECAUSE THEY JUST WANTED TO USE THAT NICKNAME.
Alex Eben Meyer, also known as Coop, scored the only goal of the game midway through the second half, as the Bad Touch defeated the Mighty Squirrels, 1-0. Tim “Scrappy” Gray started in goal for the Mighty Squirrels, making 78 saves in the process. Unfortunately, he was distracted when Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder put together a coherent sentence, allowing Coop to gently tap the ball over the line from the edge of the crease.

THE 1972 MIAMI DOLPHINS WOULD LIKE TO THANK PORK FRIED RICE. With Brendan “Dutch” Kearney detained in a prison deep in the jungles of Guatemala, Pork Fried Rice handed the Corlears Hookers their first defeat of the season, 4-1. Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri scored two goals for Pork Fried Rice, but had three more disallowed because he was standing in the crease (while abusing the ref).

ERIK CORTES WILL NOT BE GETTING ANY TONIGHT. Despite a career high three goals from Roderick Cruz, What The Puck was unable to hold onto the lead, as Fresh Kills recorded the 4-3 victory. Jeff Lesser, with the flames fading from his turbo boost, scored the game winning goal with five seconds remaining on a shot from 100 feet away. In a cruel twist of irony, Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg managed to get four shots on net, while Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman shot like the A-Team, never coming within ten feet of the net.

JEFFREY HENDRICKS TOOK THEM TO THE BEACH. Due to a double team-wide outbreak of herpes, both the Rehabs and Filthy Gorgeous failed to field a team. Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon was the only player seen on the court for either team, but he seemed to be more interested in playing dice than in playing hockey.

BROOKLYN, BROOKLYN. Mike O’Connor had a shutout going, but Phil “The Jeweled Shillelagh” Donohue kicked in an own goal with just twenty seconds left in regulation to spoil an otherwise perfect day for the Gouging Anklebiters, who defeated the Sky Fighters, 5-1, who played short-handed
with one woman, Lourdes Bañez. Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri was held scoreless after being ejected ten seconds into the game for refusing to take off his tank top and put on a regulation size jersey.

THE MATHEMATICS ADD UP A VICTORY. Perhaps taking their pregame cheer too far, thirty players showed up for the Mathematics, who defeated the Tuques, 4-3. After becoming enraged with one of referee Jeremy Schumacher’s calls, Andy Pratt engaged in fisticuffs with Schumacher. Surprisingly, Pratt was not ejected, and proceeded to score four goals in the five minutes immediately following the altercation. Fear not, ladies of BTSH… Schumacher’s face was not badly bruised.

THE DARK RAINBOWS MADE IT RAIN ON UG. After a pregame prayer while facing Mecca, Trevor “Jesus” Tyrrell registered the shutout to lead the Dark Rainbows to a 3-0 victory against the Unicorns. The game was stopped for two minutes during the second half, when Hector “$howtime” Melendez of the Unicorns crashed through the metal fence and onto the FDR Drive. Fortunately, no cars were damaged.

STEF DID NOT GET DOWN ON THE LOW ONES. Mexican Standoff, disguised as Cobra Kai, notched a 4-1 victory against Cobra Kai. It is unclear exactly who scored for Mexican Standoff, with the exception of Jeffrey Hendricks, who played topless – an unenforced violation of the Quality of Life code enacted during the Guilianni administration.
Standoff player who dressed like Brian “The Flashlight” Morrison scored two goals, while the real Brian “The Flashlight” Morrison scored one goal, completing the very unnatural hat trick.

KEN POULIN IS THE ALPHA MALE. Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin scored a league record eight goals in one game, to lead LBS past the Denim Demons, 8-4. Poulin broke the previous record, a self-proclaimed six goals by Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette of the Denim Demons. Adam “The Legend Killer” Rubens refused to play until someone told him, once and for all, why he is indeed “The Legend Killer” – though it’s reputed to have nothing to do with the death of Bob Marley.
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Nickname Nook With Derek Tagliarino
(please send all comments to derektag@gmail.com)

Albert Huang of the Corlears Hookers is now Al.
Dan Abdo of the Dark Rainbows is now Danny Abs.

Unsung Hero of the Week

The unsung hero for this week is Jason “Cheek” Cheek (like this: points to cheek) of the Mighty Squirrels, for teaching Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder and Marie Marberg of the Mighty Squirrels proper English (apparently the kind they speak in North Carolina).
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News and Notes

Georgine “Mulva” Paulin of the Mathematics was given the key to the city of Pittsburgh for representing ∏what the Midwest is all about….. Tuques goalie Matt “Minkus” Spedeleri, in a Saturday evening competition held in Des Moines, finished third in the National Sharif Memorial Hot Legs Competition…. Due to a constant rain, the playing surface was wet…. Corey “Chongo” Winters of What The Puck was very disappointed after the Toronto Blue Jays lost a three game series to the Chicago White Sox…. Jonathan “The
Barnacle” Levine of Cobra Kai completed the difficult task of carrying on a conversation with every league member in attendance at Saturday’s mid-season party.
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Upcoming Schedule

August 5th, 2007 (rescheduled from April 15th)

4pm Corlears 1 GAME OF THE WEEK What The Puck (10-3) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (4-9)
– Charles DeFranco of the Gouging Anklebiters was loquacious in the days leading up to this game, stating “Emma smells, Rod’s garbage, Michelle has a bad accent, Celine can’t sing, Amy has a short name, Jennifer runs like a girl, Darrell has no shot, Laurissa is subpar, Erica is not as good as I am, Kevin likes pink, Tom is a jerk, Tara doesn’t bathe, Jasmine is a Disney character, Scott also smells, Susanna cries too much, Brian has no hair, Elletra sucks, Corey is Canadian, Mike leaves much to be desired, and Larry is ugly.” When asked for a response, What The Puck captain Larry Zimmer replied “We will win.”

3pm Corlears 1 Dark Rainbows (9-3-0-1) vs. Mighty Squirrels (3-9-0-1)
3pm Corlears 2 Sky Fighters (1-12) vs. LBS (6-7)
3pm Moffo Denim Demons (8-4-1) vs. Bad Touch (6-7)
4pm Corlears 1 What The Puck (10-3) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (4-9)
4pm Corlears 2 Tuques (4-9) vs. Pork Fried Rice (9-4)
4pm Moffo Fresh Kills (8-4-0-1) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (6-6)
5pm Corlears 1 Mexican Standoff (4-8-0-1) vs. Unicorns (8-2-2-1)
5pm Corlears 2 Cobra Kai (4-9) vs. Rehabs (6-5-1)
5pm Moffo Corlears Hookers (12-1) vs. Mathematics (6-6-0-1)