written by The Money and The Banana Stand

So, this week’s previews are Arrested Development-themed. If you have (foolishly) never watched the show and as such get none of our references, well…that’s your own fault, now isn’t it? 

Editor’s note: I said this would be an extremely niche preview but someone didn’t want to hear me out.

Lbs, Inc. (GOB Bluth) vs.  Poutine Machine (Annyong Bluth)

The Lbs are like GOB in that they are shifty magicians who date females well above their pay grade. Poutine are like Annyong in that they are angry, and always seem to be out for revenge. 

Prediction: Lbs have only lost 1 game all season, but if anyone can beat GOB it’s Annyong. And, yes…..Poutine does it this Sunday. Poutine 3, Lbs 2. 

Fresh Kills (George Sr.) vs.  What the Puck (Kitty Sanchez)

The Kills are George Sr. in that they’re both wily veterans who are always out for a win. Do they sometimes participate in illegal activities that will eventually land them in jail? Who’s to know. The Pucks are Kitty in that they just straight up love to party and have a good time. (“Spring Break!!”)

Prediction: The Spring Breakers (someone please get this movie reference) continue to roll as they notch the W over the veterans, 4-2. 

Cobra Kai (Maeby) vs. Dark Rainbows (Michael Bluth)

Cobra Kai are like Maeby – resourceful and resilient, and cooler than you. The Rainbows are like Michael. Let’s face it, he’s a real sweetheart.   

Prediction: In the game of the week the sweethearts give the dojo a real run for their money, as it’s tied 2-2 late. However, the Bows can’t quite get it done as Longley bangs home the game winner with under 2 minutes left in regulation.

Rehabs (Bob Loblaw) vs. Sky Fighters (Buster Bluth)

The Sky Fighters are Buster because just when you think they’re going to stand on their own 2 feet…..they get knocked down again (by poaching). The Rehabs are Bob Loblaw because in the past some of their ethics have been, umm….questionable. 

Prediction: My prediction is that……the Rehabs will be mad at us for this comment. Oh, also, they win. By quite a margin. 

Denim Demons (Steve Holt) vs. Mathematics (“I’m Tom Jane”)

The Demons are dumb jocks just like Steve Holt, and also they probably never had a father.  Math meanwhile “have the lean look, effortless hair, and dressed down manner of a movie star.”

Prediction: Dumbs jocks may be dumb, but they’re also good at sports. This fact holds true here. “Steve Holt!!” 3, Math 1.

Filthier (Sally Sitwell) vs. Gremlins (George Michael)

Filthier are Sally Sitwell because they are just plain too good for you. The Gremlins, meanwhile, are George Michael because they are smart and nerdy, but also a little awkward. (And possibly vegan.) Editor’s note: Definitely vegan. Erich could score more goals if he incorporated lean protein into his diet. Or started snorting salt – it’s the vegan way.

Prediction: In a hot girl/nerdy guy scenario, the nerdy guy usually prevails in the movies. But, this is no movie and the Grems fall the way they always fall to Filthy: exactly 3-2.

Butchers (Warden Gentles) vs.  Mega Touch (Ann Veal, aka “Egg”)

The Butchers are like Warden Gentles in that they just WON’T STOP yammering on about their screenplay.  Mega are Ann because you THINK they’re all sweet and innocent…..but then Julie forms the Shortis and Ann dumps George Michael and starts dating GOB.

Prediction: We get it, Butchers, you’re creative and cooler than us. (And have really nice hair long or short but who’s counting, BRADY.) Guess what? It won’t stop y’all from losing this game to Mega, 3-1. But it will stop y’all from really giving a crap afterward. So aloof. 

Hookers (Lucille Bluth) vs. Tompkins Square Riots (Tobias)

The Hooks are like Lucille in that they are reckless (and also probably drink a lot of vodka?). The Riots are like Tobias in that they are destined for the theater. 

Prediction: Watching this one is like watching a “fire…saaaaaaaale”. Nah, it’s more like an actual fire. The Riots get burned, badly. 

Instant Karma (The Narrator, aka Ron Howard) vs. Fuzz (Lucille 2)

Karma are the narrator, because Isaac is the “eyes and ears of this institution, my friends”.  Fuzz are Lucille 2 because they had such a downward spiral this season you’d think they have vertigo. 

Editor’s note: All Rich knows is a downward spiral at this point. First Fuzz, then his softball team, and now, the Mets in their Tuesday night performance. Ouch. 

Prediction: Isaac is all-knowing, but that doesn’t always help in hockey. What does help in hockey is Jeff, Miles, and Ryann. Fuzz win, 4-3.

Gut Rot (Lindsay Bluth) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (Maggie Lizer)

Gut Rot is Lindsay Bluth – quirky, charming, and somehow, some way, can get away with a win. Also they’re easy. Well, their GUYS are easy. (We’re looking at you, Akhil.) The Biters are Maggie Lizer, because…they aren’t exactly what they seem. Sure, they are the fun, old school BTSH bunch that we’ve always loved, but underneath they are (as Glanzer recently told us) a venerable POWERHOUSE team, at this point. 

Prediction: Biters win by a lot, Becca claims they should all get stars for scoring on her.