Rehabs at Gouging Anklebiters
by Beau Ted, Rehabs Beat Reporter
Breaking News: Rehabs President said on Monday that the team has the power to pardon itself, raising the prospect that they might take extraordinary action to immunize themselves from the TSP investigation, even as Ramirez asserts that they have “done nothing wrong.”
On the other side of the court, Diana and Creamy are back from parental leave, Amy and Phil are expected to test out some new improv sketches on the court, and Worky is riding high from promoting Hockey Beach with this year’s sweet new tees. These squads are neck and neck in the standings, so it will be a tight one.
Prediction: Cherie and Michelle can’t shake off their jetlag from Amsterdam quite quickly enough, and Habs fall victim to the foot chompers in this nail biter. Coco scores the game winner, 3-2 in OT.
If we have anything to learn from this: don’t miss Ocean City!
Dark Rainbows at Gut Rot
Fresh from expelling King Kong from their backs the proud, the mighty, the Rainbows are ready to get back out there and whoop some more Michaliga Division ass. Dave ‘Champagne Papi’ Greenie has his sights set on stealing another W for his squad because once the taste of victory hits your lips it just leaves you thirsty for more. Ready to help him do just that are the daunting forces of Katherine C, Wes-Man and All-Stars Bryan and Cat-attack.
Coming off of an impressive victory of their own, the fine as hell Gut Rot Bitchez ain’t got time for your feel-good story. They’re too busy focusing on replicating that effort from their annual upset of league powerhouses (Hookers – ’18, Fuzz – ’17, and Instant Karma – ’16). All-Stars #Akhilnation and Incoherent Becca along with the smooth Ed-P may prove to be too hot to handle and too cold to control for the ‘Bows.
Prediction: A first half, three goal explosion by the Rainbows is whittled away in the second half by Gilligans combining for a hat trick with Diane scoring the OT winner, 4-3.
What the Puck at Mega Touch
by Arya Stark
While this game may not look super sexy on paper, hey, paper is rarely sexy (unless you’ve recently purchased this intriguing product). Regardless, this is a pivotal matchup in the Southeast Division race. What The Puck and Mega Touch are currently tied for the top spot and this game will go a long way towards determining who is promoted at the end of the year as head-to-head wins are the first tiebreaker. The teams sport identical 3-4 records, with both recording wins over the same exact teams: their division mates, Gut Rot, the Riots and the Rainbows. The only other opponent the two teams have in common is Math who beat both these teams by identical two goal margins. WTP has a goal differential on the season of -8; Mega decided to do them one better (at least in terms of absolute value) and is sporting a -9. Very little separates these two teams, and it’s tempting to take the virgin’s way out and not declare a winner. But alas, I don’t think it’s possible to be in this league for more than two weeks without having sex with someone. So, in recognition of that simple truth and in honor of the degenerate gambling Norris & Co are sure to partake in at Belmont this weekend, w ho’s the line currently favoring?
Mega Touch (+145) o 6.0 (-105)
What The Puck (-165) u 6.0 (-115)
Fresh off doing the impossible and giving Ovi his first cup (congrats to Roberts, RIP to his liver and his face bush), Vegas has the Pucks opening as the equivalent of a field goal favorite. While both teams are mired in a slump, WTP edges out Mega in a few areas. In their three wins WTP outscored the aforementioned Riots/Rainbows/Rot triumvirate 11-3 while Mega had a bit more trouble with these teams, winning the three games by an aggregate of only 8-4. Mega boasts a scrappy collection of unsung talent, but Twitter savage and porn-stache aficionado Ball Hogg is the top player in this game and probably getting super tired of writing up box scores that don’t include himself. And in general, I just think the Pucks are going to want this one more. Mega is historically a friendly, happy to hang out on Sundays type of team while WTP showed a surprising edge in last season’s playoff loss to the LBS and are looking to move up to the Southeast Division this year. Sunday is the first step towards that goal (really it’s step 8 out of 22 but you get the idea).
Prediction: Calling this a must-win for either team is almost as misleading as the title Robot Repair. It’s still only about halfway through the season and the two teams do have another meeting on August 5. But make no mistake, this is a huge game for both teams as the winner will have a significant leg up in the race for first. Parlay the Pucks with the under and the as they take this 4-1.
Hockey Night in Tompkins
Corlears Hookers (2-4-0-1) at Sky Fighters (2-5-1), Tompkins East, 1730
The identities of both these teams have yet to be fully revealed, given that the records they’ve had at this time of the season last year is a stark contrast to what’s been transpiring now. Notwithstanding, these squad have talented individuals inside and outside of the court, but collectively, their success hasn’t been apparent thus far.
Putka’s purple bandits—who are on “Crofficial” business this era—still have a fight in them, but it must be the toils of the top division, facing the most elite teams, that have made them less than par. However, the triumvirate [of Cro, CJ, and Danilo] has been doing what they’ve set out to do since last year, which is score; together, they have 11. Additionally, three of their females have 2 goals apiece, so you know this royally clad bunch doesn’t lack firepower.
Last weekend, the Sky Fighters announced they have a “new look”—probably because of their new threads, or because Stein actually posted a shutout (welcome to Goalie Union… again!)!!! My guess is that because they still have Roman, they’ll be fine—provided he shows—but even if not, they’ve got their own triumvirate to counter the Hookers with Joe, James McQ., and Matt, together with 13 goals, as well as Katie and Mia, who notched two each.
Prediction: On paper this looks almost even, with the Crofficials taking the edge. But if Infanti actually treats this game unlike when the Mets are in Boston… the edge might go the other way. We’ll leave this to goaltending and say Stein continues the streak: 3-2 to the “new” Sky Fighters.
Fuzz at Mathematics
by Julius Rex
This Sunday we have quite the match up – Math vs. Fuzz or as Eli K and our current Pharaoh, Hicks like to say, “Muzz Weekend.” This long unanticipated game that nobody knew was happening until this write up will be nothing short of a fiery match-up between two strong BTSH Teams. When I think of Math vs. Fuzz I sort of think of Good vs. Want-to-be Evil. Disney’s Robin Hood vs. Prince John; SpongeBob vs. Plankton; Batman vs. Catwoman.
With both teams coming off of strong wins from last week’s game, let’s take a look at what we can expect. Math will be out in full force with their elite ninja goalie, Dave, between the pipes ready to stop anything that comes his way. Langer and Jon M, who will be returning from his busy river boat captaining duties, to aid James, Sam, and Zach will be up front creating (and maybe finishing) numerous scoring opportunities for Math. On defense, three other burly men of Math: Justin, Brad, and Kirky, will be holding down the fort ready to pounce on any loose balls. Let’s not forget our Lady Mathletes, a strong group who are not to be underestimated: Becky N (and 2018 All-Start) Amy, and new to math this year, Charlotte, will continue to dominate on the courts. Sarah H, still unable to play, continues to excel in her present role as coach, offering nothing short of words of great wisdom an encouragement to both her teammates and the world.
Fuzz will be missing a few player (which will be the excuse from Glanzer if they lose) with Jeff L being MIA this weekend…in net, Fuzz will be using a real goalie this week as opposed to shoving Alexa in net with a baseball glove. Despite one major weak link on offense (cough, Rich Glnzr,) Walsh, Sig, and the man with the world’s largest white shin guards will be able to generate some serious offensive play and give Math D a run for their money. Alyssa, on defense, will continue to make the world shake with her clapper from the point creating a number of scoring opportunities and will continue to be a solid force in the defensive zone.
Speaking to the captains of each team, this nonevent #MuzzWeekend will not fail to disappoint, and you can expect nothing short of a fast paced, hard fought, quirky game. Math Captain Sam N expectation for this game is, “Rich isn’t going to score, not even with a kiss from Fatou if the Caps win it in game 6 and they’re standing right next to each other.” Bummer, Rich. Sarah H, stoic member of the Math Injured Reserve, says, “Stop trying to make Muzz happen,” and is, “hoping for a Pharauxic victory.” Zach is issuing a very clear warning of animosity, “I am going to pants Walsh when he least expects it,” and he expects, “Rich to stick check a Lady Mathlete parked at the back door. He’ll feel zero guilt and it probably goes uncalled.” Math isn’t the only team issuing warnings… Rich is advising, “James and Rebecca, don’t bring your baby to the game. No infant should lose respect of their parents so quickly in life. Fuzz will be that baby’s Daddy.”
Minus the mildly creepy undertones of Glnzr’s counsel, shots have been fired.
Prediction: 5-3 win for Math.