Dutch’s Parents Are Avid Readers of BTSH.org 

A Brief Glimpse At BTSH.org
As a thank you to you, the loyal reader, we, the writers, thought we’d give you a snapshot of who’s going to btsh.org and how they are getting there.  Here are some interesting trends we have noticed, taken directly from Google Analytics.

1. While the largest volume of site traffic comes from the United States (no surprise there), the second-ranked country is not Canada…it’s France.  This can most likely be attributed to the Tuques’ iconic status in Marseilles.  On a side note, one person has visited the site from Turkey, but he stayed on the site for thirteen minutes.

2. Although New York and New Jersey represent the bulk of U.S. based site traffic (again, no shocker there), the third highest state is not in the Northeast.  Rather, it is the great state of Wisconsin.  Without a doubt, this can only be the result of Dutch’s legions of fans back home monitoring his play.  Plus, one or two of them might be looking for Dutch’s Brother.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, no one from Alabama has visited.

3. The top keywords that have brought people to the BTSH site are as follows: “btsh”, “btsh.org”, “ant ventolieri”, and “street hockey”.  Yes, more people come to the site looking for Ant than they do for street hockey.  One can only assume that Ant is forcing his Foot Locker interns to repeatedly google his name and then go to all sites that find it.  Oh yeah, and the number five keyword?  You guessed it: “ellery gillette”.

4. Another interesting keyword we discovered was “beverly hills jeff lesser”.  Although it is probable that whoever searched for that term did not find exactly what he wanted, this has provided the media with a new nickname.  Jeff Lesser will now be known as “Hollywood”.

5. Several people have also visited the site searching “ken georgine paulin”.  No, Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin and Georgine “Mulva” Paulin are not related.  In fact, they spell and pronounce their last names differently, as seen in the previous sentence.

 

 

$howT!m3’s Shenanigans Continue
“I told you the Rehabs would give you something to write about! Two goals in four minutes or less. The Corlears Hookers got pimped by the Habs, and a little late minute help from Craig aka Mr. Balls on Ya Face aka UG!” — Hector “$howT!m3” Melendez, (semi-coherently) regarding the Rehabs’ battle with the Corlears Hookers

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Adriano Bratta
Team: Cobra Kai
Nickname: None
Suggested Nickname: Muscles Marinara
Rejected Nicknames: 7-1-8, Secretary of Offense, Ski
Origin: Staten Island
College: University of Scranton
Early Aspirations: To be the featured profile in the 2008 Week 9 edition of Know Your Neighbors
Hero: Robert Loggia
Reason to Love Him: He’s cuddly.
Reason to Hate Him: He’s hard to spot with all that camouflage.
Fast Fact: A coin flip determined that he would play for Cobra Kai and not What The Puck.
Favorite Things: Soccer, Ski’s leadership, Parcheesi, bingo night at Elk’s Lodge #878
Favorite Food: Mrs. Bratta’s homemade pasta
Best Known For: He leads BTSH with eleven goals.
Hockey Comparison: Jason Spezza
Non-Hockey Comparison: Vito Bratta
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him:  He stands a very good chance to shatter Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin’s scoring title (you know, legitimately)
Down the Road: Adriano signs with the Mathematics as a free agent for the 2009 season.  When the Mathematics and Cobra Kai face off on opening day, he scores an apparent own goal on his first shift.  However, seconds later, he removes his Mathematics jersey to reveal a camouflage shirt, signifying that he was on Cobra Kai the whole time.  Peter “Ski” Oblamski gives an approving nod to the greatest hoodwink in BTSH history.

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: Martin Olson played his first game on defense and did a terrific job.
Dark Rainbows: “Me.  My ass, for stoning Andy [Pratt] on a breakaway.” – Sean Reynolds
Filthy Gorgeous: James Pereira overcame an ass injury to start the game.
Gouging Anklebiters: “Gov [Alex Owen] rocked the Casbah in net.” – Phil “Sandy” Donohue
Happy Little Elves: Marc Surchin break-danced and did the worm.  Shoshana Rudnick did gymnastics and porn splits, and she owned the LBS.  Rich Glanzer also did gymnastics, specifically a cartwheel.
LBS: “Let’s give a shout out to Alex [Simon] for playing goal this week.” – Sascha Puritz
Mathematics: Sheena Otto‘s last name is a palindrome.
Mexican Standoff: Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette, because he didn’t play.
Mighty Squirrels: “The Squirrels, for being the best looking opponent we’ve ever played and will ever play.” – Rachel “A-Korn” Greene, after the Squirrels’ intra-squad scrimmage.
Sky Fighters: Martin Cejka kicked in one of the What The Puck goals, and another one deflected off of him.
Tuques: Lisa Harrington, Caroline Johnston, and Daphne Feng were solid, impenetrable, and unheralded on defense. [Ed: Aren’t they being heralded now?] Unicorns: Craig “Ug” LaCombe played one of his best games of the year.