Week 9 – Game Previews – Part 2

Gremlins at Rehabs
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Eli “I Just Wanted to Show That I Know How to Spell Batuwantudawe” Kazin

We know, we know, most of you couldn’t name a single Gremlin even if we gave you their 2013 roster as a cheat sheet. But the Gremlin who far and away deserves the #iamgregorycampbell hashtag is their goalie, Jamie Batuwantudawe. Let’s look at the supporting evidence, shall we? The Gremlins have a solid 4-3 record through seven games and are in the mix for the Larsen Division title. However, here are their goals scored for each game so far: 1,0,2,0,2,3,1. Notice a trend? Jamie has had to be perfect, or near perfect, to snag a victory for his team. In each of the four wins (including week 6 against the Rehabs), Jamie has allowed either one goal or pitched a shutout, while in each of the three losses, he has allowed two or more goals. Going into each game with this kind of pressure can’t be good for a goalie…just ask Henrik Lundqvist.

The Rehabs do not have a clear cut candidate for the #iamgregorycampbell hashtag, but it is definitely not Jon Feldman. There is a reason that he was chosen as the namesake for the Agitation and Instigation award, after all, and it is not because the Rehabs (and Jon) were always a media-friendly team. But if we have to pick one Rehab on which to bestow this honor, let’s go with Shawn Kirkham. He’s actually a Bruins fan, or at minimum looks like one since he wears a Bruins hat and is growing a pretty sick playoff beard. Plus, he was recruited to BTSH by $h0wT!m3, and even followed him from the Rainbows to the Rehabs in the offseason.

As for the game, the Rehabs gain a split in the season series with a 3-1 win.

Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

We’re tempted to give the Campbell honors to anyone who was on a team with Eric DiPieri. And normally Amy Barrett-Donohues arm wrestling prowess would give her at least a whiff at the hashtag. But recent events have shown that there’s only one clear choice. Jeremy Robert Kevin “Schuie” Schumacher underwent hip resurfacing surgery a couple of weeks back. Confined to his house with a six inch scar and a bottle of Vicodin, Schuie played through pain and hobbled on crutches to a must attend event. That event? An Anklebiters brunch. The kicker? Because of his medication Schuie couldn’t drink (possibly the only time in Anklebiters history that a team member has refrained from alcohol consumption at a club function). #iamgregorycampbell, indeed.

Julie Katz once went on an eight hour car ride with only a pack of twizzlers. #iamgregorycampbell

(Editor’s note: We all know Harvey Jaswal is the real #iamgregorycampbell on Megatouch but his story is too close to Schuie’s to keep your attention).

The Biters are rolling this season but the Super Feelers love to play spoiler. With Craig LaCombe still exploring some of Tokyo’s finest Geisha establishments, this could be a chance for Bratta, Devlin and co. to spoil JOe P’s day. Megatouch 3-Biters 2.

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “Machievelli” Russo

I don’t entirely understand this week’s theme. But here’s what I do know: I really want Poutine to win this game.

Yes, as a “reporter,” I’m supposed to remain neutral, but as a “person who lives with the PM captain,” I feel I have the right to an opinion on this. We (FG) played the Machine last week, and they have some snipers and hustlers for sure. Missing Timmy Brown may be a bit of a blow, but hopefully the French-Canadienne stylings of Joanne Provencher and beautiful, flowy hair of Marcus Bonnee can make something happen. Otherwise, living with Sven may be a difficult thing (#iamgregorycampbell. BOOM!)

That said, I really want to give some love to the heart and soul of The Rainbows, Abby Meisterman. I think that in this writeup she meant to be very sweet and complimentary of me, while simultaneously possibly calling me a vigin and/or a man? Thanks Abs. Sincerely. The sentiment was excellent.

(Editor’s Note: You see what she did there? She gave herself the hashtag! Stop hanging around Glanzer, Monica!)

Gut Rot at Tompkins Square Riots
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

So I’m out with Tommy Cho’s roommate. And he’s very drunk. So I throw him in a cab and take him home. Roommate can’t find his keys. So I call Tommy to come down stairs and let him in. Why is this a #iamgregorycampbell moment? Because Tommy has a broken leg. Not willing to let his roommate sleep in the doorframe, like he deserves, Tommy gamely makes his way down the stairs. As he opens the door for us, roommate finds his keys. True story and #doubleiamgregorycampbell.

I haven’t seen him do it in BTSH yet but Scott Townsend has been known to stop pucks with his head. #iamgregorycampbell

With the exception of Poutine Machine, there’s no team in the league that wants a win more than TSR. And in the old days, Gut Rot would be a likely candidate to yield a result. But not any more. The new, improved Gut Rot can play with any team in the league and if TSR want the win they’re going to have to earn it. We see this one ending up in a 3-3 tie.

What the Puck at Filthy Gorgeous
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Lightning Round.

Corey Winters was a Winnipeg Jets fan even while there was no team in Winnipeg. #iamgregorycampbell
Hannah Stark is a teacher. #iamgregorycampbell
Larry Zimmer is a Mets fan. #iamgregorycampbell
Michel Doucet is getting married to Derek Tagliarino. #iamgregorycampbell

It’s a little more of a detailed story for Filthy. Ever walk by a construction site? Ever see the size of those boards they use to fence in a construction site? Ever have one of those boards get broken off by 50 mph winds and hit you dead on? Ever play street hockey six months after being hit by said board? James Perriera has. #iamgregorycampbell.

Look for a super tight game here. WTP probably has the talent edge but Dan Owens has only a couple of games left in BTSH before he fills New Jersey’s vacant Senate seat (at least I think that’s why he’s moving to DC). Look for Danno to stone Skuse and co. and for Filthy to win 4-2.

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