What the Puck at LBS, Inc.

By Tracy Demon

Such is the anticipation around this matchup that members of The Media were literally* fighting (*not at all literally) over who would write the preview. In one corner, we have the still undefeated LBS, and while you kind of want to hate them, many of them are nice people who engage in acts of charity like trying to teach me hockey and keeping Blink-182 relevant. In the other corner, we have the sometimes-defeated but always scrappy What the Puck, best known for having top-notch graphic design, at least two cute dogs that I know of, several players with cool hair, and also being nice and fun people goddamn it. Make no mistake: the niceness ends at puck drop, and the Pucks are gonna give this Div 1 team a fight.

Murderer!

Prediction: The Pucks win our hearts and minds, but victory stays in Poundtown this weekend, 4-2. Hoggy consoles himself by murdering another sandwich. Justin shakes it off and goes on to design the best Twin Dekes shirt the Ocean City tournament has ever seen.

Instant Karma at Filthier

Written by Emma Boettcher

This used to be a marquee matchup, after several La Famiglia players left the team to head to Filthier, causing La Famiglia to be rebranded as Instant Karma. Tensions were high the first few times these two teams played each other after that split happened. But, does anybody even remember that anymore? Pete Wilson left the league, I haven’t seen Lisa since I don’t remember when, and Tim K. has been too busy getting scored on by Glanzer to reflect on the past. More recently, Danielle left Instant Karma to head over to Filthier. But, do people even remember that either, at this point? Karma have added so many new girls since Danielle left that I think they had to boot Cory off the team to make room for them all.

What I am saying here is that the drama factor between these two teams is low (sorry Russ), at this point.

So, what DOES factor into this game, then?

(Ya know what…..fuck it, I’ll write an actual hockey preview.)

Factor #1: Whether or not Isaac is playing defense or offense.

Being the team player that he is, Isaac has been known to play either D or O, depending on what the team needs. When playing D he doesn’t give you a lot of space, and he’ll clear the puck out of harm’s way before you can sting. On offense, he is more of a passer than a scorer, but that brings me to my next factor…

Factor #2: Offensive prowess.

Both of these teams have it. On Karma, Derek, Matt, Cory, Briana, whoever those 2 new girls I don’t know are…..can all put the biscuit in the basket. Filthy’s got James, Sunny, Ryan, some dude whose name I think is Greg, and Ann lighting the lamp. ANN. Every time I write about Filthier I remind the other team “DON’T LEAVE ANN OPEN ON THE BACK DOOR”. But no one ever listens to me. See if I care. You pay the price. This brings me to my 3rd factor…

Factor #3: Whether or not Ann had a goal waved off the week before.

Karma better hope that Ann didn’t have a goal waved off last Sunday. It makes her so angry and determined that she is sure to score. I am still getting texts about the last time it happened.

Factor #4: Lime toss.

Why has no one started it yet this season? It finally got warm out.

Factor #5: Something about Chadwick.

Is this preview getting too long now? Probably. Also, clearly I am running out of ideas.

Factor #6: Nicole’s absence.

I don’t wanna talk about it.

Factor #7: Ok, that’s it. I think we’re done here.


Something about Chadwick.

Prediction: You know who does remember? Me. Karma have never beat Filthier, since the split. They finally pull the upset this time, 4-3. Bill and Pete rejoice (via FaceTime). Derek gets a hat trick.

Fresh Kills at Sky Fighters

By Hornswoggle

With the first division starting to weed out who’s hot and who’s not (sorry, Fuzz and FK), the third division is still in that inquisitive phase. There is a lot of time left, a lot of hockey to play, beers to drink, players to heckle for the ASG and beyond.

The Sky Fighters are trying to recoup their 2018 postseason losses, startling everyone with shootout win over the Oranje. Personnel hasn’t been strong lately, but methinks Stein of the Goaltenders’ Union has been nothing but reliable despite the rough start. Propelled by the magic which is a Champions League Final, will Infanti provide some of his own against a frenetically-paced first line of Fresh Kills? I’d like to see the new acquisitions contribute as well.

Don’t let Fresh Kills’ mediocre record fool you: the depth of this squad is unbelievable. Despite no Barch Pile last Sunday, there will be one eventually. The players have programmed themselves to bounce back, and at times one can say such resilience has made them championship-calibre. But the reality of 2019 is that the overall hockey prowess in BTSH is significantly higher than it was in its inaugural season nearly 20 years ago. Timeless icons like Ariel and Eugene still regard themselves as students of the game and spill it on their opponents week in, week out. And that’s what makes Soko proud, crutch in one hand, and stick in the other.

Prediction: despite the surging spirits of the Sky Fighters, I’m willing to wager that many of my peers would be choosing Fresh Kills as the winner outright. That said, 4-1 FK.

Mathematics at Gut Rot

By The Meatbox

At 2:00pm on the west court, we’ve got a matchup of two teams desperately seeking a win. Math started the year off well, with two wins in their first three games. They even had a certain tadpole catching some MVP attention. Gut Rot on the other hand has yet to win a game, but they did lose one game in overtime which reminds me of the scene in Mighty Ducks where Emilio asks the kids “hey kids how many games have you won this year” and the kids respond “none, but one game was close, we only lost by 5”.

Keys to the game for Gut Rot:

  • See if Scotty K from LBS will play with you. 2 Scotty K’s is always better than one. #LETSGOOOOO
  • Bark. Sometimes it’s the only way out of a slump
  • Give the ball to Ol’ Pal Morgie. Girl is due for a few goals.

Keys to the game for Math:

  • Don’t let Eli score. He’s scored the last two weeks and what happened? YOU LOST. Clear correlation. Defend Eli at all costs.
  • Protect McGinty. His world is essentially a minefield of Smirnoff ices and now hes got a bum ankle. #highwaytothedangerzone
  • See if Jess from the Rainbows will play for you. She can prevent Scotty K #2 from affecting the game.

Prediction: The last thing I want is Rich to shame me for making a preview too close that shouldn’t be. His words always cut deep. Honestly I think Gut Rot has a better chance of Becca finding a shirt than they do of winning this game. 7-2 Math.

Butchers at Tompkins Square Riots

Both the Butchers and Riots chose their names due to the historical link to Tompkins Square Park (TSP).  The famous TSP Butcher carved up loved ones to make soup which he then fed to the local homeless – kind of like what Dana and Georgine have been accused of doing to Arnold (who hasn’t’ been seen in a couple months).  And who can forget the melee that ensued when the NYC Parks Dept. tried to impose a curfew on the park back in the late 80s – just like Suz and Gabe on a soapbox clambering on about the injustice of a beer league not have beer in the social budget.

All hockey and no beer make Riots go crazy!

Prediction: Arnold makes an appearance as the Butchers breathe a collective sigh of relief, but the booze thirsty Riots pull off an upset, 3-2.

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