We interrupt this week’s previews to bring you–not just an ad–but an ad to how to live your life one weekend in August–and yes, this may very well change your life!  Hockey Beach OC will be held this year on August 25-26.

 

Dark Rainbows @ Tompkins Square Riots, Second Half
By Khalia Kazoo

. . . which was a ridiculously good play.

Oh, what? You don’t remember the first half of that sentence? Well, we barely remember the first half of the Riots vs Rainbows game, since it was so long ago & we were all seeking shelter from the storm at the bar. But we did hear it was a super close game, with the Rainbows up 1-0 when the game was called.

Prediction: Can the Rainbows keep their lead? Will refs remember to show up for the conclusion of this game? Will the rain hold off to allow them to finish this game? We think the answer to each of these questions is “yes.”

Rainbows beat the Riots 3-2 in a shootout.

 

Fuzz @ Rainbows
By Dury James

June 3, 2018.  This is the date Rich Glanzer has had circled on his calendar since the 2018 BTSH schedule was released.  Why?!  Well, it’s the only possible time when Rich might actually, pardon the innuendo, put a biscuit in thee ole basket…  Who are we kidding?!  Glanzer is still a virgin—this will never happen, and he will never score.  But the big news for this day—love her or hate her—Luisa will be in town subbing for Fuzz!

June 3, 2018.  This is the date Cat, Tia, Dave, and Josh have scheduled their annual Dark Rainbows beach BTSH no-show party.  They will have installed a baby monitor camera at Tompkins, excited to watch as Fuzz players slowly show up around 12:45, laughing and drinking on the beach, ghosting the Glanzer gang.

But what will actually happen? The Rainbows will drink heavily at the beach and the 1-0 forfeit victory goal unfortunately goes to Glanzer, yet Greenwald mounts his best goals against stat.  Meanwhile, Rob W renounces his Jewishness after getting back to the States.

If the above doesn’t all play out, then Jeff, Miles, Gil, and Mike all notch 1-2 goals each before deciding to pass it to Glanzer.  Greenwald doesn’t get a shutout.  Mike T finally smiles because he accidentally passes to a girl on his team in the first half.

 

Riots @ Sky Fighters
By Dury James

The Riots have been known for a solid upset or two over the last few seasons.  With HOF Dave GdR in net, some of the top BTSH teams have had a great deal of trouble besting the Riots to pick up a W versus the Maroon Wave.  Talk to anyone on the 2015 (or 2016?) WTP team.  The Sky Fighters are going to have a toughy defending against David F, Drew, and Suz and the Gang.  If Riots D and DGdR keep them to the outside and under 2 goals, the Riots come out on top.

Sky Fighters only have one W this season and Captain Greg cancelled his softball catch plans with me this past Thursday.  Will he get some kimchi?  Nobody knows, but I still have 1+ gallon in my mini fridge, so it’s still looking likely.  But back to hockey: Sky Fighters went toe to toe with the Butchers last game week Sunday, so perhaps they’re finding their mojo.  The Sky Pilots need to pick up this win though, otherwise relegation worries to the 3^rd division will be a real threat.

Prediction: The Riots play well, but a late goal by one of the unknown and new talented players on the Eric Burdon and the Sky Pilots pushes the Blueshirts to a 3-2 W.

 

Math @ Mega
By Dock Ellis

This is a matchup that has long been a contest of logic and calculus vs. pizza lightning.  This time, however, the long black cloud of marriage will play a significant role.

Fresh from his nuptials in Toronto to Stephanie “I am keeping my last name” C., Alok has decided to forego his Hawaiian honeymoon and re-dedicate his life to his first love.  Ball hockey.  This does not bode well for the Mathletes as the Canadian transplant has been on fire since the pre-season tournament.

This plan all goes for naught, however.  In keeping with Jewish wedding tradition, while Alok is carried around in a chair by friends and family to Hava Nagila, the song abruptly changes to “The Rains of Castamere” and Zach N suddenly has butter fingers and loses his grip on the chair causing Alok to fall to the ground and suffer a grievous injury.

Losing her star player, Captain Julie attempts to replace Alok with the entire Shortis roster, but her request is ultimately denied since none of them are on the free agent roster.

Prediction:  Zach is able to shake off his destination wedding hangover as well as being completely stuffed on ribs and spaghetti.  Dave Liang picks up his first W of the season as Math prevails 5-1.

On another note:  Congratulations to Scoops and Alok!  They are two of the most amazing, genuine, fun, giving and sincere people and we are all super happy for them!  Another BTSH (technically it goes back to the Rose Charity tournament but what the heck….sometimes you just have to say what the heck) couple ties the knot. Here’s to a life long of happiness and joy!

 

Gut Rot @ Hookers
By Dury James

The Traveling Guts square off to what will surely lead to a not nail-biting game.  The Hooks have gotten back to previous seasons’ form by recruiting some new talent who don’t have out at the courts after.  Yep, that’s where this is league is headed, and I guess the potential win of a PBR Cup (current arbitrary odds have them pegged at 20%) is worth the demise of the spirit of BTSH.  But hey, they do pass to their women and one of those women does hang at the bar and doesn’t drink, so yeah, I guess I should count my blessing before she passes out at the bar again and breaks her foot.

On the other side of the court lurks and wobbles the exact opposite.  A team that picks up beginners to play, for love of the game, and oftentimes forgets they’re even playing in the middle of a game.  “Who cares?!”  Gut Rot sure as shit doesn’t.

But much like the biblical Gut Rot versus Fuzz game of 2017, Gangrene has been known to upset some top teams.  If Ed is in net and the Hooks have a few missing folks, the Rots could come up on top.  But who are we kidding?!  If that happens, the Purple Army will have already recruited 2-3 more former minor leaguers in the off week.

Prediction: Gangrene starts off hot, but struggle in the second half, leading to a Hooks victory because “the prize [they] want is victory for the world.”

 

Butchers @ Gremlins
By Dury James

This is the GAME OF THE WEEK (GotW), and by that I mean, two of my favorite teams facing off!  Time Burke has been quite a dynamite force the last several years and will be surely channeling his inner Fleury.  The Grems meanwhile have no Caps fans on their roster, so they’re kind of screwed, if this NHL team fandom analogy was actually working, then they would be screwed.

But the one thing the Gremlins have that the NHL does not is: The Salt Boyzzz!!!

This trio has been a breath of fresh air (unless you were in their hotel room during the December Feasterville tourney) to the Grems offense, one that now is so augmented with 3 solid lines of O, a goalie that has 3 distinct poses while playing (one when the ball is behind the net, one when the ball is far away, and one when someone is about to shoot), and a team-wide love for the sitcom, Three’s Company.  And if that’s not enough, the Grems are in the 3^rd division…

“Wow,” you’re thinking, “this preview sucks!”  And you’re right—it does!

Prediction: The outcome of the game will be decided by who shows up and struts their stuff.

Both teams have talented goalies and are both sleeper teams for the PBR Cup.  Damn, I wish both of these teams could notch a W, so let’s hope for some OT action!

 

Poutine @ Fresh Kills
By Dury James

The Fresh Kills have not been having a perfect season this year, and that’s all right.  They’re still a perennial powerhouse and have a freshly made-up 40% odds at winning the PBR Cup this year.  This game is going to be a close one.  Last year, Jerome and the Poo Poos narrowly lost in a shootout.  And by that, I mean, Jerome’s shot on his deke was literally toe-saved by Barch—inches away from a potential Poutine victory over the then undefeated Kills.  But Captain Brian Sully has since changed his ways, switching from his much celebrated hairdo of always up, to a more preferred “let it flow” style.  This has echoed tremendously across the Fighting Poos—absolutely none of their players have been written-up this year, and they continue to pick up wins left and right with a defensive-minded style of play.

The Fresh Kills will need some snipes from the slot in order to best The Machine.  If the Kills are able to notch 3 goals, then they should be on the path to victory, but 2 or less goals will mean an overtime or loss for the BTSH PBR Cup Dynasty team.

Prediction: Nic H will look like a hunk on the court, but not score.  Mike M will smile a bunch and hopefully notch a goal.  Dave S will bum a smoke off me at some point.  Gabe and Ariel will be shooting from the tops of the circles after not being able to break into the slot for a golden opportunity.  One of the women on FK will pick up a rebound and score.  I also ate some Poutine this past weekend, so I thought that would give the Poos a leg up, but I also had spaghetti and ribs, which is fair to assume is the Staten Island Fresh Kills Park cuisine equivalent, which means in analogous calculations–this game is going into overtime!!!

Rehabs @ Denim Demons
By Beau Ted, Rehabs beat reporter

Dear Demons Chairman:

We greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to our recent negotiations and discussions relative to a matchup long sought by both teams, which was scheduled to take place on June 3 in Tompkins Square Park. We were informed that the game was requested by the Denim Demons, but that to us is totally irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed in your most recent Facebook statement, I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned game. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the TSP summit, for the good of both teams, but to the detriment of the league, will not take place. You talk about nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to SB they will never have to be used.

I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. Some day [sic], I look very much forward to meeting you. In the meantime, I want to thank you for the release of the hostages who are now home with their families, especially Ella’s puppy. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.

If you change your mind having to do with this most important matchup, please do not hesitate to call me or write. The league, and the Demons in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in BTSH history.

Sincerely yours,

President of the Rehabs

P.S. Congrats Demons Chairman on no write-ups or sanctions thus far in the 2018 season.

 

Cobra Kai @ Pounds
By Dury James

This is one of the most highly anticipated matchups of the season.  Cobra Kai sits undefeated, while the Pounds would be too, if they didn’t let Instant Karma borrow Tim K.  Both teams have shooters, strong goalies, and defense who doesn’t like the other team in front of the net, as if this is a real ice hockey league…

Offense to offense, Karsten, Scotty K, Jake, and Avery will be unleashing a parade of shots onto Campbell, while Tom, Will, and Pete will pummel the Sizzler.  Defensively, Alex F will be looking for some fast Pounds breakouts, while Liam and LJ do the same.  This game is going to be an intense showdown and a potential sneak peak into the PBR Cup Finals.

Prediction: Cobra Kai has a girl with her photo currently in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.  To back that up, Jake from the Pounds has his father’s tape recording there too, but unfortunately, it’s currently not on display.  Taken in analogy form, The Evil Dojo takes this and remains undefeated, after an OT and shootout.

 

Anklebiters @ WTP
By Khalia Kazoo

Will Justin, Mike D, and What the Puck be so hungover from the previous night’s Capitals’ game to even make it to the game? Sure, this starts at 5:30pm, but you know how these Caps fans roll.

Should the Caps fans show, this promises to be a good game. The ‘Biters are coming off an exciting game against Fuzz. Two weeks ago they almost pulled off a dramatic comeback, shutting out the fuzzy ones in the second half.

Prediction: Justin still reeks of Pinot Grigio and the ‘Biters pick up where they left off last week, trouncing What the Puck 5-2.

Filthier @ Instant Karma
By Dury James

Despite losing Suvin and Dennis, Filthier has still remained a dynamo team.  They really pick up a lot of trash in front of the net for goals, which also translates into the best clean up team in BTSH.  I mean, seriously, they can clean up and close a BTSH Sunday in under 10 minutes.  Never before has a team been so efficient in doing this.  With James and Sunny still hard to control on offense, to Ann slamming home one-timers, along with a few new additions, and their usual core of JJ, the Ms. Frizzle looking woman, and a guy who looks like someone I used to work with—Filthier has still got it.  Arbitrary odds that I just made up of them taking home the PBR Cup this year sits around 15-20%, pending how their playoff seeding goes.

Meanwhile, Instant Karma has taken the exact opposite approach.  They have added about twelve to fifteen new women to their roster, despite having no one leave their team.  And so far, that has paid off handsomely.  Being undefeated for a good slate of games to start the year, they have the best upset-ability in the 2018 BTSH season.  Unfortunately, they are not able to borrow Tim K this game like against the Pounds, so Steve F is going to have to dig deep against the heavy handed shots of Filthier.  Keys to a Karma victory start with the line adjustments to Ben and Cory, which is a bummer because the most fun line to watch in BTSH was the Ben, Isaac, and Brianna trio, AKA the Tall, Strong, and Tiny.

Prediction: I wish Days of Our Lives was cancelled and The Tall, Strong, and Tiny became a show.  Ben and Cory have trouble finding the net, but most of Karma goes to the bar after a 4-2 empty net loss to Filthier.