I feel like there are more mothers — figuratively and literally — on Filthy Gorgeous than there are fathers. Matt Novick is definitely a father, this is certain. But Sunny? JJ? Joe? Jeremiah? Another J name? I haven’t the foggiest idea. They wisely keep out of the eye of the media, these guys. The title of “Team Dad” defaults to to Novick in this case. However, I’d like to think that in some ways captain Monica Russo is really both mother and father to this team. She definitely gave birth to this team in some sort of immaculate conception so… Filthy Gorgeous is in need of a win (1-1-4 is pretty surprising for them), as is Poutine Machine (1-0-5), but I feel like the dirty ones want it more.

Gouging Anklebiters at Happy Little Elves,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “What’s Going On Here?” Tucker and Patrick “I Screwed Up and Told You to Write About Last Week’s Game So I’m Breaking Your Biters-LBS. Preview in to Two Parts” Larsen

Bill – Expectant co-captains Amy and Phil Donohue aside, the Biters aren’t quite the familial type.  Instead, they are the fathers of fun.  So much so, select members of the Blue and Gold formed D.A.D.D. (Dudes/Dudettes Against Drunken Douchebaggery) over the three week break.  Founded on the premise of good times without ego, the group works to educate BTSH bar-goers on the art of tipping back a High Life and getting over yourself.  If you have friends who wear too much Ed Hardy, listen to Nickelback and say things like, “Cool Story, Bro”, advise them to seek treatment immediately.  It’s not too late.  If not, expect Caroline to chase them around Ace Bar brandishing a broken broom handle ala Jeff Garlin in Daddy Day Camp.  You’ve been forewarned.

Patrick – I want to go for the easy pick here and give the title of HLE team Dad to Gil Valdez. Why? Not because his son actually plays on the Elves. No it’s because decades of watching the Simpsons have taught me that “Old Gil really needs this.” Unfortunately for Gil, those years of experience have taught me that there’s only clear choice for the title. This clip of Rich Glanzer at work shows that there really is only one father figure  for the team in green. Stay golden, Angry Dad!

Game Prediction – Let’s go out on a limb and say the Elves win this one in a shootout.

Mega Touch at Gremlins,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

When we started this game of “Who’s Your Daddy?”, we didn’t expect this round to be so tough. Of course, Julie Katz is Mega’s team mom, doling out candy and kind words to her colorful cast of hockey monkeys. If there was daycare for street hockey players, she would probably run it. So that makes Adriano the team dad right? We wish we could say yes, but “Andiamo” has always given off more of a big brother vibe. Maybe it’s because our dads didn’t say, “F**k it, I don’t really care. I’m out of here in a few weeks anyway” a lot. or if they did say it, they didn’t come back every week afterwards.

So how we decide this vital question. If we went by seniority Alex Eben Meyer would have to be the early favorite for team dad. But “Stripes” also gives off that favorite uncle vibe. We just can’t see him grounding anybody or scaring off a potential boyfriend. On the other hand, Eric Devlin fits that role perfectly. Who can’t see “Biz Dev” yelling at kids to stay out of his yard or telling scrapping siblings to knock it off? It may have been a few weeks since we played but we’re pretty sure that actually happened in Week 6. So congrats, Eric. You’ve earned your pater families status.

Y’know, it actually wasn’t that long ago that we would be hard pressed to find any examples of team dads in this league. In those swinging singles days, only Violet aka “the Rainbows’ baby” represented BTSH family values. The rest of the league? Definitely more REAL WORLD than MODERN FAMILY. The Grems are a throwback to those days, with no obvious father figure. Heck, Ryan is such a laid back Captain that he has to keep reminding the refs that he’s actually wearing the “C”. So how do we pick a dad for the Notorious Gs? Guess we’ll have to go with the guy most likely to embarrass the younger female players on the team when they’re talking to their friends. We’re looking at you Iannis! Probably shouldn’t have talked about how you discovered “sexting” quite so often.

Game prediction: Stern Dad beats Eugene Levy type Dad 3-2 (SO)

Skyfighters at Dark Rainbows,
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

No discussion here. In the Fighters family structure, Martin Cejka is obviously the man at the top of the family tree. That’s not taking anything away from favorite son Dan Hopper, or colorful uncles James Stein and Robert Kucera. Trust us, if Martin ever quits those three would be perfect for a BTSH version of FULL HOUSE. The only issue we would have is both Kucera and Stein thinking they were playing the John Stamos part. But Cejka is the tough, immigrant Dad who works hard so his kids (and teammates) can have a better life. Respect, MC.

On the other hand, with the Rainbows, it’s a question of who isn’t the team dad? Sure Sean has the kids but Josh has that beard and paternal air of authority. John Rudd rocks the gentle caregiver role and John Nielsen is the reliable rock that every father wants to be. As we said, there are no shortage of qualified candidates. So we’ve got to look beyond their role on the team and see how they interact with the league in general. Who, over the years, has consistently acted like a Dad at the beach with a bunch of unruly four year olds? Who combines that dad like mix of exasperation, amusement and mild intoxication on a Sunday? Who can we count on to never really know what his children/fellow players are up to? Jim Dandenault, you’re our pick for Dark Rainbows father figure. 

Game Prediction: a 3-2 shootout win for Martin & Sons.

Denim Demons at LBS,
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “I Get It Now” Tucker and Patrick “Sorry About That” Larsen

Bill – When I think of fathers, the guy you looked up to as a youngin’ springs to mind.  The adult you always wanted to be.  In that regard, Lbs is the Big Daddy of BTSH.  Through hard work and the occasional hostile takeover, The Corporation has become the BTSH franchise many strive to emulate.  Combining a calm demeanor with explosive power, Lbs is the fatherly equivalent of Mr. Rogers on a bender.  Sure, he looks all sweet in his cardigan but get a few in him and POW.  Right in the kisser.  It also doesn’t hurt that Ken Poulin produces adorable children.  Seriously.  Like pinch their cheeks and make baby noises cute.

Patrick – The Demons are kind of like a family business. Adam and Zack are the older brothers who’ve taken over the shop and modernized everything. But the heart and soul of the company is still the Old Man, the guy who taught them how to tape their first street hockey stick, shotgun a PBR and complain about my calls when I ref Demons’ games.  We’re talking about you Coach. Someday soon your boys are going to make you proud and finally land that big contract (or BTSH championship) and then you’ll quietly retire. But no matter what happens you’ll always be the Demons dad.

Game Prediction: Age and Treachery can still beat Youth and Talent. Let’s give this one to the Corp. 2-1 in OT.

Editor’s Note: A special congratulations to my Brother-in-Law Brian Curci and his lovely wife, Sara. Brian became a Dad for the first time last night and I’m sure Jax Curci (aka New York Islanders 2033 #1 Draft Pick) will be making an appearance on the BTSH sidelines sometime in the next couple of years. Happy Father’s Day to Brian and all the Dads in the league!