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Week 8 – Game Previews – Part 1

Bill-Tucker

Editor’s Note: We’re back and celebrating the upcoming Father’s Day holiday a little early with a tribute to the Dads in the league. Of course we hadn’t even started writing before controversy set in. Unnamed parties wanted to know why we didn’t do a similar tribute to the Moms (we salute them by actually spending time with them on Mother’s Day instead of playing hockey. But it’s a fair point and there will be a Mom tribute later in the season. Then of course there was this …

Rehabs at Butchers,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “I think I’m so funny” Kazin

This writing assignment kind of sneaked up on me, since I was thoroughly enjoying a few weeks off from writing about Rich Glanzer, or the Happy Little Elves, or Rich Glanzer and the Happy Little Elves. But after a lengthy break, it is time to get back to hockey. Sven has been kind enough to ease the writing staff back into the swing of things with a Father’s Day theme (and I’m assuming the other writers are following suit, otherwise this preview might seem a little odd). Of course, Father’s Day is next Sunday, not this Sunday. Unless it is one of those holidays like Thanksgiving, which is celebrated on different days in Canada and the United States, and Sven is operating as if this Sunday is Canadian Father’s Day. But I digress…
It’s pretty obvious that Bryan Welch is the team “Dad” for the Rehabs by a country mile. Apologies to Jon Feldman, $h0wT!m3, and Rob “Sounds like Blondie”, who didn’t make the cut. Welch is one of the longer (if not the longest) tenured Rehabs and has been on the team since the early days of BTSH. Plus, he has held the captain’s role in the past, always motivates his teammates, and is one of the few Rehabs that can be identified by most of the BTSH Universe.
For the Butchers, on the other hand, identifying the team “Dad” is not such an open-and-shut case. You could make solid arguments for Arnold Sanchez (savvy veteran), Ben Bloom (captain), Chris DiMotta (defensive leader), and Eric Ramirez (reliable and consistent) among others. But one thing the Butchers do have is a team “Mom” in Georgine Paulin. She constantly smiles, always greets her teammates with the phrase “Hey kiddies!”, and plays with the tough style of a goon to protect her teammates. Oh, we still have to name a team “Dad”? Let’s just go with Gary Cohen and call it a night.

Editor’s Note: You know, Eli – anti-Canadianism seems to be the last acceptable prejudice in New York City. But I wouldn’t have expected our own BTSH to be such a simmering cauldron of hatred. Yes, Canadians have the same Father’s Day as the USA. We also have cable television, running water and electricity. You know what we don’t have? An explanation for Celine Dion. But that’s our cross to bear, you arrogant prick.

We did the Father’s Day write-ups a week early so our staff and readers could spend Father’s Day week the way it was meant to be spent. Shopping for neckties and soap on a rope, talking to your Father for 5 uncomfortable minutes before he hands the phone to your Mom, and watching the Stanley Cup finals.  Now go get your Dad that jumbo-sized bottle of Hai Karate, Eli. You ungrateful bastard!

What the Puck at Cobra Kai,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

You know it’s tough to pick a team “Dad” when almost everyone on the team is a Dad. Woodsy, Zimms, those other guys. There’s no shortage of paternal pride on WTP. But really it goes back to the old saying, “Anyone can be a Father. It takes a real man to be a Dad”. Who does that old expression describe more than anyone else. Our old pal, Corey Winters. Not only has he regularly taken on babysitting responsibilities for the WTP farm team, he’s also always there to dispense fatherly wisdom to his teammates. Let’s face it, he’s the only thing that’s kept Gina Hackett out of jail the last couple of years. And he’s always there to post bail for Adam Skuse. Plus he looks like a natural in the new WTP team cardigans. Here’s to you, Papa Corey!

Meanwhile, Cobra Kai has been suffering form the pain of an absentee father. Was it something we did, Gregg Allman? Luckily there’s no shortage of team “uncles” to fill in for Greg while he finds himself. There’s “Drunk Uncle” Pete Lang who is kinda fun and kinda scary at the same time. “Jon Cryer in TWO AND A HALF MEN” Uncle Morgan Donninger who provides a much needed sense of stability. And “Danish Van Houten Uncle” Will Kuhns who is the player all the little Cobra Kais want to grow up to be. Kudos to this trio for keeping the family together until Gregg’s inevitable tear-stained reunion with the rest of the team (probably on a very special Maury).

As for the game, Real Dads beat Uncles, 3-1.

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Sometimes, a Dad has to let his kids make their own mistakes. Give them enough room to grow and try new things but also be there to catch them when they fall. And to make sure they always feel special even when new family members come on the scene. Such is the role of Math team dad Andy Pratt. After deciding to settle down with fellow mather, Sarah Coombs, the young stud realized that he needed to handle things differently. That’s why he encouraged a young Derek Tagliarino to take his first halting steps as Captain. That’s why he never criticized the company that his boys kept (although he wished that Glanzer kid wasn’t around so much). And that’s why he’s made sure to pass the puck to Eli so many times this season (with all those Norris’ joining the family it would be easy for “Buster” to feel left out). That’s the kind of Dad, Andy is. A quiet, strong force that keeps his team on track and out of trouble. Even if it means he scores less goals than he used to.

TSR has a slightly different take on the father-figure. With “Moms” like Amy Jones, BR Rolya and Laura MacNeil (i.e. tough but fair, take no crap ladies that you wouldn’t want to cross), the TSR kids need a laid back, Jimmy Buffett type of Dad who doesn’t take things too seriously. We’re looking at you Craig Thompson. If Craig wasn’t playing with TSR every Sunday, he’d be sitting on a dock somewhere drinking vodka and apple juice and telling the kids not to swim out too far. Who could ask for anything more?

Game prediction: Andy’s going to treasure his last few weeks with the math before they part company. Expect love to triumph over laissez-faire and the Math to take this one 5-2.

Fresh Kills vs. the Tuques
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich”Tough Love” Glanzer

With this Fathers Day edition…we could focus on Dave Soko, who clearly is the father to his team. He’s their leader, their captain, their decision maker. Their rock. Dave Soko is a two-time BTSH Champion for Christ Sakes people, so show some respect! But fuck him, lets focus on the Grandfather, Kevin Foster. 
We all know and love Kevin. Lets look at some of his accomplishments through the years. Much like his son, Soko, Kevin has won two BTSH championships as well. Kevin’s career highlight is scoring the game winning goal vs. Romeo in 2011, which was assisted by the three refs who let the goal count since it was his 2,000 career slap shot, and of course Suz who was dressed like a hot dog and decided it would be the perfect time to run across the rink while Kevin was in full swing. His lowlight (which shocking I’m going to mention the 2010 Elves in a second) is calling a timeout up by a goal with 1:20 to play against the Elves in the QF in 2010. The Elves brilliant and handsome captain set up a play, tied the game and then won in OT. Soko has since stripped the Granddaddy of the license to call a timeout.
But hey…speaking of Romeo, have you donated to his charity yet? He’s doing a walk for marriage equity in NJ. Don’t be a cheap bastard and donate to the cause! Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/Romeo-sequitywalk
 
As for the Tuques, their father, Dave Ladanyi, told them he was going out for a loaf of bread but hasn’t returned since. 
 
The Granddaddy beats the Absentee Daddy 2-1 with a late goal from Soko.

Corlears Hookers at Gut Rot,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “Old Softie” Russo

Patrick gave us a theme this week, which is a kind bone to throw at those of us who can’t ever think of anything to write.

So. Dads:

This week I’m on the Hookers/Gut Rot beat, and while there are a bunch of dads on the teams, old and new (shouts to Dustin*, Ellery**, Pete, Eitel, others?), but I think we can all agree that Bill Tucker is the dad of us all. I mean, isn’t he so dad-ish? I love it! For real, I once saw him gently chastise Caroline Anklebiter for using bad language on the courts. Don’t you just never want to disappoint him? Can’t you just imagine how much shit you’d feel like if you did? 

So here’s to Bill Tucker, honorary BTSH dad. We raise our cardigans, pipes, and drivers hats to you. 

*I’m not sure about Dustin, but he at least has a dog, so I’m counting him.

**God help us all.
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