Mathematics at Corlears Hookers
by Pickleback Lumpkin
Ahh, the Mathematics (2-3-1). These perennial Southeast Division contenders have never quite looked the same since The Obvious Goal That Somehow The Referee Missed That Shocked The World back in the 2015 quarterfinals, or whichever year that was. The roster hasn’t changed much, so what has? Nathan’s in Jerusalem, and Rebecca and James are busy training their munchkin Murvechkin, but otherwise it’s pretty much the same team. About the only notable change in Maths HQ is Amy A. stepping into a new role as a premiere goalscorer, now in second place on their emaciated scoring charts. If their stat line looks a little anemic too, keep in mind they’ve had a pretty rough schedule, and they’ve won exactly the games you’d expect them to win.
And the Hookers (1-3-1)? Well, last week Lee was hit by a water drop falling from a midtown air conditioner. Believing there would be an epic flood, the Hookers immediately canceled their game with Poutine and spent the day rounding up animals and building a wooden ark. This raises a question: are the Hookers total cowards? This reporter says yes. And that goes double for the Wicked Witches of Poutine, oh no, a raindrop, I’m melting, melllltiiiing, what a world, what a world. Anyway, the Hookers are faring slightly better in goalscoring than Math is, thanks to the league’s battered sweethearts the Dark Rainbows, but their records only differ by a potential win in The Game That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t, which maybe the Hookers would’ve taken last week if both teams hadn’t stuffed their mangy tails between their legs and hid under the bed like whining puppies from the Island of Easily Terrified Pets. There haven’t been any surprise upsets for the 2018 Hookers yet; they too have won the games you’d expect them to win, and lost the others, with a fairly daunting schedule to date.
So who has the edge? This lazy sportswriter predicts a close one, unless there’s a mild breeze and the Hookers stay home due to hurricane fears. Clearly the Maths have more heart, so let’s give them the edge, 4-3. Sam breaks his goal drought, and the Maths come home with two of each animal.
Filthier at Fresh Kills
by Arya Stark
Wait – in honor of this week’s landmark announcement for degenerates everywhere, let’s try this again…
Filthier (+140) o 5.5 (-130)
Fresh Kills (-160) u 5.5 (+110)
Pepsi-colas and non-alcoholic beers are sure to be all over the sidelines as four of the league’s marquee teams throw down Sunday at 4:30 PM. While Biters/Fuzz on the West Court will attract more attention because it features two of the highest scoring teams in the league and because Rich Facebook-bombed everyone this week (party at Ace!), this game features two elite teams flying under the radar despite solid 4-2 records. Wanna hear an obscure stat that will never get you laid at any reasonable type of party? The Fresh Kills have lost as many games in regulation since this season began in March (two) as they did between June 27, 2016 and the aforementioned March. 21 months of badassery = tough hangover…you don’t have to be both Jewish and Asian like me to do the math on that one. Still, the two losses were to sexy as hell D1-mates in the Rehabs and LBS. Filthy, meanwhile, keeps trucking along despite losing multiple horses since their 2015 title run and their weird-ass origin song. Their losses were a tight one to the Rehabs and a borderline beatdown by Fuzz on April 15. At times they can look like a championship contender, while at others they look as beat down as Pete Chiarelli anytime one of his trades is brought up. Speaking of which…
Fresh Kills NHL Counterpart: The Fresh Kills are basically the Pittsburgh Penguins of this league despite what you see here (Cro would never impede a Pens’ attack, but then again I also never thought he’d even venture the vicinity of his own zone). They’re the defending champs, boasting at least two of the top players in the league, but prone to early season hangover struggles. Will they right the ship a la Pittsburgh 2017 or crash and burn a la Pittsburgh 2018?
Filthier NHL Counterpart: The Chicago Blackhawks won the title a few years ago but lost a bunch of players since then for reasons ranging from retirement to crap trades to bizarre diseases that reek of cap circumvention. They can always be counted on to turn it on when it counts; the question is, how badly do they want to deny the Barch Pile?
Who’s More Likely To Pay Their Bar Tab? Tough to say. Gabe’s policy on the matter is crystal clear and logically sound, but the guy has also been known to employ some questionable tactics. Let’s just say tab’s on the losing team and leave it at that.
Verdict: Fresh Kills haven’t really put together that big performance yet in 2018. Will this be the week they do it? Well, I don’t have access to their Sunday attendance list, and the BTSH gambling lobby has yet to pass mandatory probable/doubtful/PUP list designation. But since opening the season with two losses in their first three games they’ve won three straight, including an impressive victory over Fuzz and a shootout decision over the Hookers the last time they decided to come out for a game. Filthy puts up a valiant effort, and James and Sunny get theirs…but it’s not quite enough. With Ovi pulling for Ariel to “please fuckin please score,” Fresh Kills take this one 4-2.
Fuzz at Gouging Anklebiters
by Chairwoman Rachel
Don’t look now BTSH, but hidden behind Caroline’s bottle of champagne, the ‘Biters have silently been growing their franchise into a legit contender…and I don’t mean the 1/2 Butcher babies we are collectively are growing. Contrarily, Fuzz has been doing the same, but quite ostentatiously, taking the #1 goal scorer in the league from the unsuspecting, unsmiling, Sky Fighters. This should be quite a match up, Fuzz sits behind the ‘biters due to some goal differential nonsense, but this game could negate all of that. Will Probie’s stable live up to the hype? Will Jeff and Alexa be at yet another wedding? Will Coach and Craig just ignore the game and talk about the good old days of touring in the two-man van while drinking cordials? Also, RIP Trash Bar,do you guys know its now a GYM?
Prediction: I’m guessing Biters by 1, pending hangovers.
Mega Touch at Tompkins Square Riots
The bad news for the Riots is they will be down 4-0 early. The good news is it won’t be to Mega…word on the street is the Lbs. are upset Sasha didn’t get her hat trick and will try to feed her some goals. Avery will steal all passes intended for Sasha and pass Probie for the scoring lead.
Meanwhile Mega will be without their leader Julie, who is left her trip gallivanting around the world to travel to Minnesota to scout the new WNHL team. Uhhhh Julie, right now all they have are executives and pencil pushers, no players yet.
Prediction: While many will focus on the battle of BTSH Hall of Famers with too many names, as Dave G.D.R. goes against Alex E.M….each team has several other standouts. OK…standouts is a strong word as Shelly is the only player on either team that the Shortis would even say hello to. And how much of a standout can she be when friggin Alok has 3 more goals than her?!? #NotmyfavoriteTorontian But I digress. (Warning, boring hockey stuff below)
The Riots are deceptively quick. Dan G. maybe mild mannered but it belies his tenacious Canadian stick handling speed. David F. is the Grabner of BTSH…stickhandling through everyone only to lose the ball/puck at the end. Grabner bc he has no offensive skills, David bc he lifts his stick over over his head to go around the defense and the stupid jerk refs call it.
Over at Mega…Mary Mary Mega may not hold the hockey stick the way Wayne Gretzky, Brian Leetch, Tom Wilson, or the rest of the free world does, but no one in the league can kick a Mylec ball better than her. I’m not even joking, I’ve seen her make a perfect pass with her feet. And if she plays offense, she can utilize her speed and cause a lot of havoc. (Mega…use her on offense…always!) Yuriy doesn’t score like Bratta, but he quietly and effectively gets the job done. Plus him and Laura M. are teammates in a soccer league and whoever loses will feel shame.
I’m going with the Riots 3-2 in this one. No Julie means no chance! (I’m just being nice. If Julie was coming I’d actually pick 4-2 Riots)
Gremlins at Denim Demons
by Prof. Flavius Flavorcraft
Today I consumed four hot dogs, absent the buns. (Lest you doubt my convictions, they were still sandwiches: sandwiched upon arrival, as it were, in my food-hole, in advance of spirited mastication between my upper and lower dentitia.) More to the point, I’d deposited blobs of both mustard and ketchup on the plate. Ere the ultimate sausage, the rival condiments, once polar opposites, now spiraled together, forming a gradient galaxy by which I endeavoured to divine the outcome of the forthcoming scrum betwixt the collections of hellborne imps represented in these parallel shades: red for Demons, yellow for Gremlins. No haruspex I, but rather a colormancer, I challenged the crimson and flaxen sauces to prove their fortitude optically. (To maintain the clarity of this vision, apprehend that my sausage quartet, though kosher, was subtly porphyrous, consisting, as it did, primarily of ground-up rectums, and therefore stood exempt from the pigment pugilism both literally and metaphorically.) When the twin dressings abandoned their birth identities to the mire—now a ketchard, by and by a mustup, finally a mess—and reached a satisfactory homogeny, I measured out 10 ccs in a syringe for observation through my spectrometer. It may surprise you to read, but the final hue skewed yellow, foretelling submission by the Demons and therefore a victory of the Gremlins. Whether this revelation will persist the following week, when the Gremlins play the maroon Butchers, is a shakier proposition, as I must first ripen my ketchup to that darker shade. My Magic 8-Ball suggests “Outlook Not So Good.” Take that with a grain of salt and an eye of newt.
Yours in abject submission to the forces of darkness,
Prof. Flav. Flavorcraft
P.S. Probably 5-3.