Gouging Anklebiters at Butchers

By Wiliam Oliver Yetter

Oh baby the potential for drama at this game is SWEEEEEET! Because everyone knows Diana and Creamy got married two weeks ago (for “tax purposes” according to a source close with Creamy) but the fireworks will be this weekend when they have their first fight as a married couple. Marriage Fight!  Marriage Fight! Marriage Fight! Yeah Diana loves her new husband and possibly baby Oscar (unconfirmed) but the game’s the game and shit will go down. STAB! KICK! PUNCH!

DRAMA Meter (1-10): 7. Let’s be real: worst case scenario at least Oscar starts to cry and they can’t agree on who has to take a shift off and take care of him.

So many sub plots:

• It will interesting to see if Probie plays with same passion and intensity after reading (lets be real… Writing!) the whole old school vs new school thing. THEORY-  Probie wrote (or had Charlotte write) the article to stifle the play of his teammate Jason because people were starting to question who is the best player is. OMG what if the best Player is SUPER Dave?!
• DRAMA Meter: 6. Rumors and innuendo are the fucking lifeblood of this beautiful league.
• Will the commissioners deliberately sabotage Cheeky and bring her ice stick to the game, sending her into a rage and leading to a dominant performance?! I don’t know. All I know is that she will go off about something. I just fucking pray it’s a battle with Shuie because the blast radius on that would destroy everything. BURN IT ALL DOWN, BABY!!!!!!!
• DRAMA Meter: 10. OMG PLEASE! The Mere suggestion of Shuie and Cheeky drama is the crème de la crème of drama.
• Which virgin dork will have sex first – Derho or Brady? Neither. It won’t happen. They’re both unattractive and lack personality. They will die virgins.
• DRAMA Meter: 1. No real drama here, just two boring nerds. Best case scenario – both get hit in the nuts on the same shot.
• The other day I was reading an old People magazine and saw an article that said Rachel and Craig used to be an item… that shit is like the habanero hot sauce on top of this already spicy game! OMG what if one of them still has feelings? Can you imagine! Craig: “OMG I STILL LOVE YOU, Rachel!”  Rachel: “OMG!I always did like when you wore your hockey mask to bed.”
• DRAMA Meter: 3. Nah….Craig is a boring old man who is all about his kids and shit now.

Prediction: FINAL SCORE 27 DRAMA POINTS! OHH BABY that’s a LOT OF DRAMA! Also, the Biter’s will win the game something like 5-2.

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs (1pm – East courts) – bring popcorn.

By Charlotte

Hookers: 4-1-0

• Wins: Butchers, Gut Rot, CK, Gremlins
• Loss: LBS

Rehabs

• Wins: Fresh Kills, Instant Karma, Fuzz, Dark Rainbows
• Loss: Butchers

We have a great match up this weekend – Hookers at Rehab. Both teams are 4-1-0 and pack some of the best guys & girls in the league (which is getting harder to say as the competition across the league continues to stiffen).

Goalie download:

• Hookers: Speaking of things stiffening…Dustin the goalie has been hot, having only given up one goal this season.
• Rehabs: may be turning to the FA list for this one. More to come.

Couples alert:

• Sarah + Mo / Cherie + Michelle / Sena + Carlin

Missing player alert:

• Hookers: Cro’s heart (similar to last year) + Cro
• Rehabs: Alex (the one with the lax gloves)

Other major updates: 

• Hookers: new girl, Eleni Tebano continues the Dartmouth powerhouse. Clark H had a hat trick last week.
• Rehabs: not so major update but in the most BTSH fashion, anticipates ‘beers post game” shared between the two teams regardless of the outcome.

Given the power ranking of the women across these two teams, prediction this round is 2 out of the 3 goals will be scored by women.

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots
Dark Rainbows (W/L/L/L/L) at Tompkins Square Riots (L/W/L/L)
Tompkins East, 14:00 (2:00pm)

By Hornswoggle

The form from these two sides hasn’t been great, but they’ve bagged wins in their divisions, where captains might place emphasis. The common denominator is that they’ve both lost against the Demons, who have been making statements with their own form since their relegation. Suffice it to say that the Demons will likely promote themselves by season’s end, leaving the rest of the division, once again, to fight for second.

The visitors have the sophomore starlet in Yetter leading them in goal production, but they’ll need a little more than his help if their current form stays true. Even their recent touted acquisition Tarnow will have to use his tenacity—which I’ve experienced against him in Saturday scrims—to finagle past a Riots side that will do just about anything (legally) for another win. Certainly, the player that will have to stand out most will be Greenie, whose losing streak and GAA has convinced statistician Hoggystyle to continue concealing such things (though we assumingly have brains and can use calculators). This divisional match will be a great motivator knowing that every Rainbow will want to win, and Greenie will want to notch another W.

The hosts will have more work to do, though. I’m sure there were bouts of inspiration, but they’ve so far had the misfortune of facing two top division teams in the span of five scheduled games, and handily lost both of them. Aside from facing the aforementioned Demons, any Michaliga Division game is up for grabs. With the media claiming the Riots to have revamped their squad, facing their division rivals will be the yardstick for success this year. From the top to bottom, veterans to n00bz, Suz and Amy will have to rally their side, propel their younger, wilier personnel to attack as much as possible and forecheck immediately after possession loss. Vanck and Frosty are fast, but it’s also time for them to show how much they can do without the ball. The new acquisitions will have to make themselves known sooner than later.

Prediction: Communication will be of utmost importance for both teams, and this match will likely be a low-scoring one. Both netminders will be standing on their heads at different times, but I can also see a lot of aborted dump-and-chase plays as well as a lot of nonsense in the “neutral zone”. While I would like to see both teams get a point, Dank Bows may pull a regulation win, knowing their tenacity levels are higher.

Gut Rot at Instant Karma

By Arya Stark

On paper, this looks like a mismatch.  Karma is one of the hottest teams in the league; after a tight 1-0 loss to the Gremlins in the opener and a less tight 4-0 loss to the Rehabs, they beat a WTP team that had just beaten Fuzz, gave the Demons their first loss of the season and sent the Tadpole back to his pond with a 7-2 win over Math.  Derek is rolling, Steve is staying sober long enough to make timely saves, Creeden is playing solid defense without killing anyone and Liz got the girls on the scoreboard last week, giving them a dangerous new dimension.  And, as a certain Ronkonkoma condo owner for some reason once mentioned after drafting him for a tournament, Chadwick remains the tallest person in the league. I’m not sure how this comes in handy in a hockey game unless someone takes a terrible shot that gets in the fence stuck 5 feet above the net but hey, its something. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ledger, Morgen recently referred to her team as “sweet, innocent Gut Rot” despite the fact that they are easily one of the top teams in the league in terms of tequila consumption per capita. Does this translate on the hockey rink better or worse than having the tallest player in the league? Tough to say. The green team has struggled in the first five games of the post-Ed era yet still maintains much of the same core from the 2017 team that was just a half game below .500 and have a stable of promising youngsters including Rob “Marcella’s Husband” Schlesak.  Although five goals for and 28 against looks bad on paper (not great off paper either), most of that comes from three rough games. They were blown out by a combined score of 22-2 by the Hookers, Demons and Fresh Kills, but took an impressive Sky Fighters team to OT in their last game discounting the Fresh Kills beating, which is also what Soko was going to do to Gabe had they lost that game. To beat Karma they’ll need to get timely scoring from Rob and Akhil, timely goaltending from Sam, and timely divine intervention from deities across the religious spectrum.

Prediction: Gut Rot is not as bad as a -23 goal differential would suggest, but Karma is better than people are giving them credit for. Assuming Derek doesn’t get lost on the way to the rink and Steve doesn’t drop acid before the game (which Gut Rot probably has on hand if anyone wants some), Karma should roll. Since Rich will call me a coward if I don’t pick a score, let’s say 6-1.

Fresh Kills at Filthier

Fresh Kills opened up the season on a three game losing streak, the first in franchise history, but since then they seem to have found their dignity.  They also have found this Nate fellow, who scored five goals in their previous game (that’s more than some of us score in a single season).  Soko, the greatest GM in league history, has a real knack for finding talent.

Filthier this season has uncharacteristically fared poorly against divisional opponents.  If they want to get back in the race for the division crown then they’ll need more than last week’s puck luck.  They are going to need JJ and Becky to stifle the Kills’ offensive flow.

Prediction: James and Filthy have been Fresh Kills killers in the past, but this game will go to Fresh Kills by a score of 4-2.

Gremlins at Poutine Machine

By Jess

Probably one of my favorite matchups in the league, although I do enjoy Gremlins v Karma, this game won’t be as friendly.

The Gremmies

Right out of the gates the Salt Boyzzz will have to pick up the offensive slack. Although most people in BTSH who get married (congrats Diana and Creamy!) know it only takes a weekend, Erich has been getting married for basically the entire month. I feel like I write this about every team (which tbh is awesome) but the females on the Gremlins are tough and skilled; I’m sure Marcella will put one in the back of the net. While we’re on the topic of putting one in the back of the net, Walker never does that but he’s sure to give Poutine a tough time defensively.  *Obligatory sentence about Jamie being the best goalie* Bottom line: If the Gremlins come with their full roster, Poutine is in for a tough battle.

The Poos

I’m going to try to get through this preview without making any 13th Step jokes. Offensively they’ve got Jermone with his click clack stick skills, Sully who may not have the finesse of Jerome but can be tenacious enough to tazmanian devil his way to the goal and C(ry)B(aby)J(ames) who will give the Gremlins defense some trouble but his roommate told me he can’t finish/close so no real threat there. Speaking of poached Sky Fighters, all it took was one Drunk Machine summer weekend for Matt and Christian to come to the dark side and make an impact. Christina, Jo and Whitney have been holding down the fort for the Poo women, often playing games with just the 3 of them. Nico and Lauren are newer editions that have been bringing the heat. Bottom line: lots of balls will be flying towards Jamie’s face.

Prediction: The Gremlins put up a fight (partly thanks to Jamie), 3-3 into OT and Poutine nets the game winner…and then celebrates at the 13th Step*

*sorry I couldn’t help myself.