Gut Rot at Poutine Machine
by Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk

CAW! Ahem, sorry, let’s try that again. Okay, so I wanted to make a few remarks before I get to the preview. First of all I just wanted to tell you I love your little hockey league. You guys tend to smell pretty, uh, fragrant, after a game, and you leave a lot of little bits of food laying around. That one-two punch attracts a lot of rats, and boy howdy do I love rats. I mean, who doesn’t?! Woo-ee!

And don’t get me started on the tributes, I mean you have like what, five teams with me on your shirts? Well okay, two just have winged logos, but three have birds. That What The Puck one is pretty stylized, looks like a fuckin’ chickenhawk. I guess that’s the hen layin’ those bright orange eggs you’re always swatting around, am I right? But hey, I’m cool with diversity, I’m down with intersectional ornithology, dig? And it’s definitely me on those Fuzz shirts. What I’m trying to say is, unlike you, I’ve got two foveae in each of my retinas, so I notice little things like that, and I appreciate it. I’ve been going through a rough patch with Dora, so your unflinching support means a lot to me. Back at ya, homies, right back at ya. As my way of saying thanks I’ve decided not to eat your dogs and children.

So here’s what these foveae foresee. Gut Rot? They got some succulent meat on those bones. Perko may be Drew Carey’s love child but he can whack balls like nobody’s business. As long as they’re on target, Gut Rot has a chance. And how ‘bout that Kovac-Cohen-Kollar combo? I could watch them all day… and I do! By the way, can I just finally say this, with apologies to Jimmy Clanton: Peaches is Beavis in blue jeans. I’m just kiddin’, folks. But sticking with the cons, Ed hasn’t been guarding his nest too well this year. Gotta watch for cowbirds and starlings stashing their eggs in there, bud. But let’s blame the defense because it’s never the goalie’s fault (hawkeye roll). So if you know me you know I always root for the team with the shabbier record. That’s why Sunday at 1pm you’ll hear me screeching “Akhil! Akhil!”

And Poutine? They skipped a game because it was partly cloudy. Newsflash, assholes, you know what I do when it rains? I get wet. Then I shake it off. So fucking grow a pair, and I don’t mean a pair of wattles. That goes double for the Hookers, because their captain’s named Crow and he gives me tsuris. Scott Pruitt and Ryan Zinke clearly want me dead. Read a newspaper some time. But I digest. I mean, digress. Hey, speaking of shaking it off, did you know spine-tailed swifts can fly a hundred miles an hour? Tail? Swift? Taylor Swift? Nobody? Well anyway, now you know. So Poutine’s got a gamier flavor profile than their opponent. They score about the same number of goals. The difference is how many they let in. 5 for Poutine. 33 for Gut Rot, and it’s only week seven. Well, week six for Poutine. Anyway they weren’t going to let 28 goals in last week even if they hadn’t chickened out, so let’s not pretend the numbers are the same. If Ed nods off, look for Charlotte, Jerome, and Patrick to bounce a few in and run up their GF while the getting’s good.

So, I’m not exactly calling it a blowout, but let’s say 5-1, and that 5 is Poutine. Don’t like it, Gut Rot? Prove me wrong or stuff it up your cloaca. Alright folks. That’s all the news from Lake Crobegone. You’ve been great. Christo out. Next year in Jerusalem, bitches. And don’t forget to tip your warblers. CAW!

Sky Fighters at Butchers
by Sam

Sky Fighters at Butchers – the match nobody is talking about.  Because… nobody knows any of the new people on the Sky Fighters and Rachel and Brady were supposed to hang out with me on Tuesday, but didn’t.  Little did they know, this game is all I wanted to talk about.

So let’s start throwing in some hockey-related thoughts here:  The Butchers this season have been nostalgic of seasons’ past, where you could just come to the courts and chase a ball around within some odd boundary guarded by a rope with the hope of being crowned as a winner for the day.  I’m talking about the second division.  This year they have to play some tough teams twice in the season, without the guarantee of playing Instant Karma, the Gremlins, or those goofy fourth division teams where people generally have a smile on their face.  However, the Butchers are a sleeper team for the PBR Cup and I think they’re going to wake up the Sky Fighters with their speed if Fast Dave, Pete D, and the Clinton Hill Gang have anything to do with it.

Every Mets fan’s experience.

Sky Fighters have been hot, but mostly not.  They have some of the best new raw talent in the league, but their chemistry is still a bit off.  Honestly, there are like 5 really good dudes on the team and 4 really good women.  This team would have made it to the PBR Cup 5 years ago, but with the league having changed so much talent-wise, they’ll need to work on their chemistry and team-styled play and find a new, shifty frenchman.  Captain Greg knows this already.  He went to watch and study how the Blue Jays can every now and then just stomp a AAA team at Citi Field yesterday in the rain.  I’m talking about the Mets, of course.

How does this game play out?  It doesn’t—Mr. Met seeks vengeance on these Canadian Blue Jay fans, pokes his head over Tompkins, and rain halts this matchup!

Dark Rainbows (0-4-0-1) at What the Puck (2-4-0), Tompkins East 1400
by Hornswoggle

While we’ve known the Rainbows as a squad in a state of rebuilding, the Pucks expected to bolt out the season with Ws as a continuation of last season’s run (sans playoffs), but they’ve had a turbulent beginning with a rough schedule—their only wins come from their own division.

The Rainbows’ “almost win” against the Gremmies in W4 were supposed to give them hope for better things, since that was the first time they reached two in a game in 2018; however, being shutout against the Demons and a drubbing from the Butchers in the following weeks meant there’s still lots of work to do. The scoring is evenly distributed, which is a good sign for the team. This is the chance for Tia to score another banger against a talented Puck netminder. Greenie will have to be a little more intense in net, knowing there are two important points up for grabs, as well as the chance of breaking out of the mold that 2017 made the Rainbows.

In the opposite corner, Puck was demoralized from the first half of the matchup with the Rehabs with a hat-trick from the Joey “Portuguese Pastry King”, but now returning to a divisional matchup, Oranje has an opportunity to bank two points and break away from Mega Touch, who play the Riots. Paul P., Puck’s frontman in goals, could see this week as an opportunity to pad stats, but I think the surprise here is Susie L., who’s already notched two for the year—twice as much as yours truly! The issue remaining then is goaltending. Scotty is 1-4, and while that’s marginally better than Greenie, the mentality of snatching two points from a divisional fellow is vital.

Prediction: Rainbows won’t be shutout with the help of spirit of Tyrell “Jesus”, and Puck will struggle because some of the players will be reeling from another Caps loss on Saturday. Yet Puck will emerge victorious, 4-2, because Claire will have played one of her best defensive games of her life and showing Orlov and Carlson how it ought to be.

LBS, Inc. at Rehabs
by Chairwoman Rachel

This could be one of the best games of the week, if actual hockey is what you are here for, instead of cheap beer and hawk-watching. These two teams sit on the top of the first division, the Lbs barely edging out the ‘Habs by 8 GF(c’mon Rehabs, can’t you score goals?!?). Let’s see who shows up this week. I’d like to watch Ryann score one of those sick goals from Eric’s doorstep, or watch Scotty K celebrate a hat trick. Anything is possible. Like rain, rain is possible. But if 50%-of-the-commissioner has his way(which seems to be working so far), the weather will hold out. #whereskirkham

Instant Karma at Cobra Kai
by BirthdayBoiRich

I loooaatthhe people that use team names as a major part of their preview, so I won’t do it. But you need to watch The Karate Kid and then watch Cobra Kai on Youtube red. It’s amazing.

How Instant Karma can win: Their light blue is very close to the green of Cobra Kai. Perhaps Will won’t have his glasses and you gotta assume JJ’s eyesight is pretty poor so they will pass in the middle to Brianna and Instant Karma will win.

How Cobra Kai can win: Wear white and don’t let them use Tim K. in net.

Prediction: Let’s talk about Nicole from Karma instead. She cut off 95% of her hair (though still has more than Craig…loser) and donated it at https://www.stbaldricks.org. She has one career goal last year vs. Gut Rot…and perhaps most impressively has been studying BJJ for 7 years and can undoubtedly beat up all of Cobra Kai’s girls besides LJ (crossfit!!!) and Nebatz (she watches wrestling!!!!). Also, I’m making up the part about Nicole and her BJJ but if she actually has done it I’d be a hero.

More predictions: Will will announce after the game that Cobra Kai is 7-0, because they will have just won 4-1. Tom and Paul won’t score but Liam, Pete, Dani and some other rando will. Proving again just how balanced this team is. Karma’s goal will come from Lisa H.