Somewhere, James Stein Is Crying

This past Sunday, Craig “Ug” LaCombe of the Unicorns hosted BTSH’s first Sega NHL 94 tournament to benefit Kelly Buchanan.  With nearly 40 participants, the event was a rousing success.  The afternoon and evening featured several intense rounds of play, but in the end, two competitors remained: Josh Feldman, the brother of someone in the scrimmage group (no relation to Rehabs instigator Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman, however), and Jay Rosenberg, Rachel “A-Korn” Greene’s former co-worker.

The final consisted of a best of three series with Feldman controlling the New York Rangers and Rosenberg controlling the Vancouver Canucks, thus mimicking the actual 1994 Stanley Cup Final.  After a solid victory in the first game, Feldman clinched first place with an amazing third period comeback in the second.  At the end of the night, Feldman returned $75 of his winnings, while Rosenberg returned his full second place prize of $20.

LaCombe also notes the following highlights of the tournament:

• The first injury came when Mike Tuckman (Mega Touch) knocked Rich Glanzer’s (Happy Little Elves) Theo Fleury out for the game.  However, Glanzer was able to defeat Tuckman 4-1.
• Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (Denim Demons) was the only wuss who used the Chicago Blackhawks.
• Dave Ladanyi (La Famiglia) got in trouble with his girlfriend for playing video games.
• Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato (Gouging Anklebiters) was a dick.  He flipped out when his players got injured, banged the table, and froze the game.
• Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman (What The Puck) took over an extra slot beginning in the second round and advanced all the way to third place.
• Dave Sokolyansky (Fresh Kills) gave the tournament an additional $13 that he collected from the bar.

In total, the tournament raised nearly $800, which contributed to the approximately $2,300 raised throughout the day.  LaCombe wishes to thank Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta and Ben Bloom for setting up the systems, Ashley “The Masterpiece” McMasters for getting him beers when he was super busy, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri for helping, Dave Sokolyansky for getting the aforementioned $13, and Dave Shyu for helping to set up the bracket.  He also adds that there will be future tournaments in the upcoming months.

Public Service Announcement

Written by public awareness correspondent Abigail Meisterman

Or in this case, players who use drugs have teammates who use drugs. I want to call BTSH’s attention to a dangerous new trend in the league: performance-enhancing drugs. No doubt, you’re familiar with this issue. Take a look at NFL players such as Lyle Alzado and Shawne Merriman (the latter found guilty of using HGH, which is similar but not the same as BGH; Merriman was never accused of lactating). Or MLB players like Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez and Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens. (Sheesh, that list goes on, doesn’t it?)

Initial testing at Tompkins Square Park has not brought back any instances of steroid or human growth hormone use (yet!), but a startling new trend was uncovered: Jelly Belly Sports Beans. These little jelly beans, once thought to be produced by the gentile and trusted Easter Bunny, have been infused with vitamins and electrolytes (and lots of sugar) that have the rumored ability to perk up even Ellery at his most hung-over. You may be wondering how such a substance was brought into the league. Well, I have it on good authority* that it’s BTSH’s own connection to Major League Baseball, Danny Polinsky, who is doing the dealing.

Don’t say you weren’t warned… The More You Know!

* Good authority = He gave me a bag two weeks ago.

Drunk Stories With Nick Hobbs

Rookie of the Year in June?
With six games of the season under our belts, Fresh Kills rookie goalie Patrick Barch has already stood out with three shutouts. It’s rumored that he acquired his skill through his unusual upbringing, the details of which are not completely known. There are rumors of him being born in a Tijuana brothel, where he was raised by Shaolin Monks and trained in the art of street hockey goalkeeping. Others suggest that he is from New Jersey and played a lot of street hockey growing up, but we’ll assume the former. In an interview, which may or may not have taken place, Barch attributes his success to a strict regimen of blacking out on the Saturday night before the game, followed by a limited beer drinking session (with his very talented roommate/teammate) before the game. God help all the other teams if he discovers whiskey. With many weeks left in the season, the question of whether he can keep up this level of play and drinking after the games still stands. Rumor has it that the New York Rangers have taken notice of his play and are in contract talks with him for next season…because they suck and can’t make the playoffs, and will take anything they can get — which was demonstrated by the signing of Wade Redden. So if you score a goal on Pat this season, keep the ball, because it doesn’t happen often…

…unless you are Christopher from Gut Rot (or anyone from Filthy Gorgeous).

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Alex Derhohannesian
Team: Gouging Anklebiters
Non-Sanctioned Nickname: Derho
Rejected Nicknames: Han, Nes, Ian, Lex
Origin: Exeter, NH
College: University of Kentucky
Early Aspirations: To play on a professional sports team and mercilessly haze the rookies
Current Aspirations: For his teammates to stop hazing him
First Job: Lint Remover at the Blue Ribbon Dry Cleaners, the oldest dry cleaners in New Hampshire (and self-proclaimed best in the Seacoast region).
Current Job: Advertising bigwig at Young & Rubicam
Hero: Don Draper
Reason to Love Him: He is more soft-spoken than his loquacious teammate Charles DeFranco.
Reason to Hate Him: His last name is unpronounceable
Fast Fact: Alex was ranked as the #1 Big Buck Hunter player in the U.S. in 2009.
Favorite Things: Boston Bruins, I Love New York, snowmobiling, sap house tastings
Favorite Commercial: Cup Raise
Least Favorite Things: Those snotty kids from Philips Exeter Academy, sales tax, Louisville Cardinals, mayonnaise
Best Known For: Leading the Gouging Anklebiters in scoring
Hockey Comparison: Tony Amonte
Non-Hockey Comparison: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: As long and annoying as Alex’s last name is to type, his teammate Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton has an even longer and more annoying last name.
Down the Road: Alex makes a formal request to be referred to as Alexander, as he does not want to be associated with his teammate, league degenerate Alex Owen.  Everyone completely understands, and the request is granted.