Week 7 ā Game Previews
GAME OF THE WEEK
Filthy Gorgeous (4-1-0) at Corlears Hookers (5-0)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Notes: Itās āRivalry Sundayā in BTSH featuring such heated matchups as La Famiglia at Megatouch and LBs at Anklebiters. OK, so they canāt all be Habs/Leafs. But this one sure can.
How do we put this diplomatically? These two teams HATE each other. For the longest of times the Hookers were the monkey on Filthyās back. The Disco Kings were team they could never beat and the side that ended more than one FG playoff run. That all changed last year when FG finally beat their purple shirted rivals.
But the animosity hasnāt diminished at all. Whether itās in BTSH or Moffo James Perriera and Peter Putka are constantly arguing about who has the better hockey skills and/or movie star good looks. My female sources tell me James wins in the second category but the first one is still up for grabs. Peterās habit of playing 45 minutes a game lets him show off his skills more but Gentleman James has been on a scoring tear the last couple of weeks, so expect him to be logging a lot of ice time as well.
Of course, the real key to this game are the female players for both sides. The Hookers women are some of the most underrated players in the league and this year, even their male teammates are starting to realize that. Theyāre a big part of CHās perfect record. But the Filthy women are not to be trifled with, either. An already strong side got even stronger with the recent additions of Kamdyn āStonewallā Moore and Kristin āFlashā Wise. Moore was a shutdown defensive player for Rehabs and her blueline domination is continuing with her new team. Wise is so fast on the court that sometimes even she doesnāt know which position sheās playing. Expect that confusion to carry over to a Hookers side that is going to have a hard time defending against her.
Our prediction is that this will be another close one. We see the Filthys winning a 4-3 in overtime on a goal by Suz āIām so little you forgot about me even though I was elbowing you in the stomach and calling for the ballā Pasquantonio. Itās the year of the female goal scorers, guys. Get used to it.
Watchability:Ā 5 Tumbleweed Salads
Skyfighters at Rehabs
Location:Ā Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Keys:Ā The Czech Mafia vs. the Slam Sisters. Who will prevail? While that may be the question on many peopleās minds, there really isnāt any animosity between these two teams. Stacy Kehoe and Dan Hopper have actually co-founded a Penguins support group, helping Tim Brown and so many others get over this yearās devastating first round loss. James Stein and Hilary Meyer are the chairpersons of each otherās fan clubs. And Meredith Danberg-Ficharelli and Bryan Welch have invited Robert and āanyone over 6 feetā to something called the Tall trees Society. Weāre not sure what that is but apparently it involves a lot of cathedral ceilings.
The only spoiler in this lovefest? Jon Feldman. After scoring a game-winning goal a couple of weeks ago, Jon now believes that this is his breakout season in BTSH. While we applaud the fruition of his six year development plan, this aggression will not stand.
Shut him down, Martin.
Lbs. Inc at Gouging Anklebiters
Location:Ā Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys:Ā I guess this a rivalry because Sascha and Guvs are on different teams, right? Since Jeremy Schumacher had to point out to us that Guvs was still on the Anklebiters roster, we obviously donāt see this as a natural rivalry. But what the hey? Maybe itās time to start one.
Since weāve repeatedly commented on the Republican nature of the Lbs., weāre guessing that makes Sascha their Mary Matalin. Sorry G. Nobody want to be James Carville but sometimes we donāt get to pick the parts we play.
Wait, it just dawned on us what this rivalry is really all about. Bar attendance. The GABs are the reigning Ace champs, providing more greater numbers and longer stays than any other team in the league. Witness Philās heroic āI may be playing in the 1 pm game but that doesnāt mean I wonāt still be at the bar at 7ā stance of a couple of weeks back. The LBs. on the other hand are often saloon no shows. While their official story is that they go to their own ābarā (aka the Yale Club), the Whiteshirts made a populist move a couple of weeks ago and showed up en masse to the Ace. Of course, they carefully timed it so that no other team would actually be in the bar when they arrived. Team captain Sascha then loudly protested to the press about the lack of league spirit as she left to catch the Jitney.
We see right through you, former Miss Puritz.
You may beat the Biters in a one goal game but youāll never fool the ORG.
Dark Rainbows at Gremlins
The Gremlins and the Rainbow. A fairy tale for children and pedophiles alike. By Dr. Byron Clavicle, internationally bestselling author of “99 Things to Do To Your Dog” and “Why Daddy Didn’t Come Home from Bangkok.”
Location:Ā Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
Game Keys:Ā Once upon a time, in the fairyland of Cruftopia there lived an old enchanter named Gummy Shizzlebottom. He kept Gremlins as pets. There in his humble cottage the Gremlins would help mix potions, dance around and sing Gremlin songs and filch Four Loko from the Cruftopia apothecary. As everybody knows, there’s a bright happy rainbow every night at sunset in Cruftopia.
But one night, there was no rainbow. And the next night there was a Dark Rainbow, casting a fell shadow over the land. The Gremlins were frightened. One of the Gremlins snuck out of his cage and ran to the rainbow’s end. “Oh Dark Rainbow,” he cried, “Why hast thou shadowed our enchanted fairyland?”Ā The rainbow laughed and crushed the gremlin under its iron boot, and scraped off gooey goopy gremlin goo on the grass. But it wasn’t finished. The Dark Rainbow came and cut up all the other Gremlins and Gummy Shizzlebottom, and several enchanted Gazoos, nine llamas, and a Schnozmonger, and it ate them for breakfast on toast.
The moral of the story: pineapples don’t have sleeves. Dark Rainbows 3-Gremlins 1.
Tompkins Square Riots at Fresh Kills
By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin
Location:Ā Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Game Keys:Ā While Fresh Kills and the Tompkins Square Riots face off on Sunday as part of “Rivalry Day”, the real competition is the ongoing prank war between the two teams.
Riots defender Scott Townsend made it clear early that he intended to go down in history as prankster prince, but all his early brainstorming session generated was Michelle Bressler’s suggestion of putting snapping turtles in Fresh Kills’ swimming pool and Shane-o DeBlasio’s offering of flushing all of Fresh Kills’ toilets at once. However, Fresh Kills struck first, wrapping up Alex Frenette and Craig Thompson in toilet paper and draping a sign reading “Fresh Kills rules” around Frenette’s neck. Townsend and company retaliated quickly, and in rapid succession he, Bressler, and DeBlasio put superglue on Fresh Kills’ track, pumped helium into their music room, and took their team banner. Fresh Kills countered by covering the Riots locker room in toilet paper and rigged the lockers to shoot out silly string upon being opened.
Riots captain Amy Jones, upon seeing this mess, decided to go to Fresh Kills headquarters and have a meeting with captain Dave Sokolyansky in an attempt to put an end to the prank war. Sokolyansky greeted Jones’ handshake with an electronic hand-buzzer, and the two then debated who started the prank war, with Sokolyansky noting that she put jumping beans in the chili, while Jones countered that he started it by planting poison ivy on the Riots’ football field. The two finally agreed to put an end to the prank war, but Townsend and company disobeyed orders and stole Fresh Kills’ mascot, a live bulldog.
Upping the ante, Townsend sent Fresh Kills a photo with the stolen mascot and the entire Riots team, including Jones, even though she was unaware of the stolen bulldog at the time. Fresh Kills wasted no time in responding, as Nick Hobbs and Nick Scott dressed as Riots players and snuck in to their locker room, absconding with goalie Dave Gil de Rubio, who was inexplicably wearing a tiger suit.
A furious Jones called Sokolyansky, and he offered to give the Riots their goalie and tiger suit back in exchange for the bulldog. As of now, negotiations are still pending, but it would not be a surprise to see Hobbs slip into Gil de Rubio’s tiger suit in an attempt to sabotage the Riots during the game, only to have Townsend pour fire ants down Hobbs’ back, causing him to make one spectacular save after another and lead the Riots to an upset win.
Editorās Note: Weāll get Eli back on the Ridulin next week.
What the Puck at Denim Demons
Location:Ā Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
Game Keys:Ā Two of BTSHās oldest franchises meet for the 127th time (or at least it seems like that) with nothing at stake but their sacred honor. The Redshirts may be in a rebuilding year but Rubens has sworn that āWeāre not going to lose to Mr. Metā.
WTP may also have to deal with the uberfan mentality of Anthony āMr. Percentageā Romeo. His overwhelming loyalty to the Devils may cause him to support the similarly named Demons and pull a no show on Sunday. With over half of his team on leave taking care of āfamily mattersā (wedding planning, bar mitzvahs, starting the Woodsworth/Zimmer charter school), attendance could be an issue for Big Orange.
Look for this one to go to a shootout, with Jeff Kamen scoring the gamewinner on whatever goalie WTP manage to scrounge up.
Cobra Kai at Happy Little Elves
by ORG Reporter at Large Abby Meisterman
Location:Ā Tompkins East 4:30 PM
Game Keys:Ā Perhaps when you see Cobra Kaiās name in āprintā you immediately think of Kreese and his motto — Ā āNo mercy!ā — as intended. Of course, once I hear that I then think of another wise man who spoke ofĀ not granting mercy. Either version applies here as The Dojo, fresh off a strong game last week, will be looking to continue their streak with a third win. However, this Sunday they will face anotherĀ pop culture reference*, birthday boy Rich (de)Glanzerās indomitable ego, T-Beau (sharing 9th place in leading goal scorers), and goalieĀ Shaun deLacyās temperĀ — the latter rivaled only by Cobra Kai goalie, Pete (de)Langās own rage. But what this reporter is really worried about is what happens when captains Jenna (de)Cruff and Meredith (de)Sladek face off on which is a lovelier shade of green.
* Can we have some sort of āCupā competition for this? Weāve the Prestigious Yet Imaginary Fairy-Tale Cup, so why not one that deals with pop culture? Thereās this weekās match-up,Ā Sky Fighters,Ā Filthy GorgeousĀ (NSFW), and theĀ GremlinsĀ (who can play in both)!
Poutine Machine at Mathematics
By Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer
Location:Ā Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: Poutine knocked out Math last year and Math is looking for sweet revenge. Of course can you really get revenge by beating someone in the regular season? (the answer is no)
But this is a big regular season game as the two leaders of the Elly conference butt heads. While Poutine is dominating the Larsen division, Mike Smith and Math leads the way in theĀ GlanzerĀ Division. Smith, known to you dullards as “Hippie” says, “I’m a pretty bad ref, not a good hockey player and I’ve forced my girlfriend to play on the only team we can beat, to make me feel like a man, but otherwise I’m really enjoying sports.” Ā Yeah, it was a pretty weird quote.
Anyways, the BTSH world is going crazy over Math newcomer Zach Norris. Norris scored four goals last game against Gut Rot and immediately put the rest of BTSH on notice. “You know ever since I’ve come here all I’ve heard about is Craig, Beauclair, Eitel, Bratta and Georgine. None of those players can carry my jockstrap, though Craig has tried.” We at the Org are not surprised.
Smith, Hippie, Zach, Derek and Elly are going to pull off the upset in this one, with a 3-2 victory. Pratt, Zach and Lilly with the goals.
Ā Butchers at Gut Rot
By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo
Location:Ā Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
Game Keys:Ā This is, according to Eli “The Nickname” Kazin, supposed to be “rivalry week.” I ask you: what’s so rivalrous about Butchers v. GutRot? Sure, they may both contain former Mexican Standoffers. And actually, when you name a person, I can never be sure if they play for Gut Rot or Butchers, really. But here’s what I definitely know: Shelly Maasdorp of Gut Rot is the new BTSH “here’s where I would say something like *it girl*.” She’s a force. Scored the sickest goal ever at the charity tournament. And the Butchers, as we know, have Georgine “nuff said” Paulin. So watch this game for that.
La Famiglia at MegaTouch
By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker
Location:Ā Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Keys:Ā In honor of last weekās Hallmark holiday, I thought Iād pepper this La Famiglia / Mega Touch preview with a variety of hockey related āYo Mamaā jokes.Ā Feel free to use these comedic barbs when taunting opponents over bottles of Miller High Life after this weekās matchups:
āYoā Mama is so fat, she doesnāt just block the goal, she blocks oncoming traffic on Avenue A!ā
āYoā Mama is such a lush, she makes Patrick Kane look sober!ā
āYoā Mama is so dumb, she writes game previews for the BTSH website!ā
Rolling On The Floor Laughing yet?Ā No???Ā Try writing some of your own in the comments if youāre so clever.Ā Onto the preview!
La Famiglia has been running into stiff defensive competition thus far this season, registering a paltry 9 goals in five contests.Ā Despite this offensive drought, the team remains upbeat, despite losing to the Elves by a score of 5-2 in Week 6.Ā To show confidence in his team, mainstay Dennis Miciletto has added a tattoo of team captain Dave Ladanyl to his already impressive arm sleeve in a sign of team unity.Ā On the other side of the court sits Mega Touch, a team that has played very well, despite their last place ranking in the Glanzer division.Ā Last weekās heartbreakingĀ 2ā1 loss to the Hookers serves as a perfect example.Ā According to unofficial shot counts, Mega Touch goaltender Michael Tuckman faced approximately 157 shots for a save percentage of 99.36%.Ā Impressive considering Dustin Olson of the Hookers was seen on the sidelines firing hockey balls on goal from a Master Blaster NERF gun.Ā Expect no such shenanigans this week as two temporary cellar dwellers meet on the blacktop.Ā Neither team is as bad as their record suggests, so expect a tightly played, low scoring affair.