Week 7 – Game Previews, Part 2

Mega Touch at Gut Rot,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Phoning It In” Meisterman

Perhaps it is the booze that’s fueling Gut Rot! Last we saw the bootleggers, they were celebrating their first victory of the year against Poutine Machine. Though it cannot be confirmed (or hasn’t been at the time of this writing), it seems as if Ellery Gillette scored both their goals. Unfortunately for Liza Watts, this means she lost the bet and is now required to name her unborn child after the street hockey wunderkind. When asked if she would be keeping her promise, Watts replied “at least it wasn’t Mike or Larry.”

Mega Touch was less successful on Cinco de Mayo, as the Dark Rainbows kept a tight defense against the Katz-Bratta line and were coached to “guard anyone wearing striped–hockey-socks.”* There is far more talent on this team than just the aforementioned, but they tend to be unidentifiable when wearing hammerhead costumes or dressed as monkeys.** But there’s an idea: perhaps all Mega Touch team-members should appear in costumes so as to confuse their opponents!

Things to expect: A solid, well-matched game.

Things to hope for: The creepiest cosplay ever.

* This is a perfectly valid direction.

** Why don’t I recall this video being filmed in Paris?!

Gremlins at Dark Rainbows,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “In those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them” Russo

This should be fun.

Not only are these teams both very close in the standings, but they are both what I’d call “classic” BTSH teams. Sure, this iteration of each team is kinda new–the Gremlins only became a thing a few years ago, and the Rainbows are basically unrecognizable from how they used to be–but watching a yellow-vs-pink-shirted BTSH match reminds me of days gone by.

By the way, I’ve evidently appointed myself to the position of crotchety nostalgic old person of the league. Everybody cool with that?

So come for the fact that each of these teams has a superclose goal differential, stay for the Meisterman/Ervin old-timers game.

Am I fired yet?

What the Puck at Denim Demons,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

If the previous game made you wistful for the good old days of BTSH, this game between two classic BTSH squads should snap you back to reality. The only constant in WTP-DD matches through the years has been the gruesome body count. Who can forget Larry Zimmerman’s cry of “Kill ’em all, let God sort it out!” as he took a stick to Zack Tinkelman’s shin? Or the brutal Adam on Adam violence that occurred when Skuse and Rubens were fighting for pucks in the corners? Even normally calm players like Mike Woodsworth or Dave Shyu have been known to indulge in a little “Trois Rivieres Two Step” when these bitter rivals meet.

All right, none of the above may actually be true.

But I swear I saw Sal Malguarnera post something on Facebook about placing a bounty on Lena Moy-Borgen earlier on this week. I’m just sayin’.

Cobra Kai at La Famiglia,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Speaking of old rivalries, look who’s back at it again. The Kai are looking to build on their first victory of the season but La Famiglia have other plans. After a mixed start, the Denis and Shafiq show is back in full swing and they’re looking to light up Cobra Kai goalie and right-wing radio personality Pete Lang. But for once, this isn’t all about the Batman and Robin of street hockey.

That’s because this week marks the 100th league game of Dr. Alfred “the Surgeon” Liu (Editor’s note: this fact is totally made up. I don’t even know if Alfred is playing this week). The street hockey equivalent of Teemu Selanne, Liu has been the heart and soul of the Family ever since the days when they were named after Canadian hats. Applying complex scientific principles to what some would argue is merely a fun Sunday afternoon past time, Liu was able to discover that drinking three hi balls worth of bourbon before each game would prime his body for optimum street hockey performance. And he’s used that knowledge to quietly score key goals for the Outfit at crucial times in their history. In fact, many blame the Cosa Nostra’s early playoff exits in the past two years on former Captain Dave Ladanyi’s insistence that Alfred tinker with that winning formula. Note to the Dynamic Duo and Haanwa (who’ve taken over the “C”) – don’t try to fix what isn’t broken.

We’re hoping that the Family steps up and presents the good Doctor with a sterling silver street hockey blade (or at least a dirty shot glass full of Old Grandad) before this week’s game. Even if they don’t, we’ll be banging our sticks and tipping our helmets to one of Tompkins Square Park’s all-time greats.

Here’s to you, Dr. Alfred Liu!

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