BTSH’s First Annual Seis de Mayo celebration is this Sunday, May 6 (duh).  Party begins around 6:00 pm at Cholo Noir on 6th and A where we’ll have the following specials:

$4 Tecate
$5 Margaritas
$8 Tecate + Shot Special

Weather permitting, there will also be chips, salsa, pinatas and a mariachi band at the courts (only one of these is a lie).  Come one come all and show your Cinco de Mayo hangover who’s boss with a bunch of your alcoholic leaguemates.

And now back to your previews.

Gouging Anklebiters (4-1-0) at Instant Karma (4-0-1), Tompkins West, 1:00pm
by Hornswoggle

I guess one can say that these two teams could have written off their 2017 season about two-thirds of the way through, but it seems that players on both sides took those results as sources of motivation for this year. What can we say about each squad, except that Puppy continues to tear things up and Karma’s stellar netminder—a league rookie, mind you—has shown fine form between the sticks (“posts”—I know, I just like proper football, mmkay?).

The running joke between fellow Poutiner Jon C. and me is whether Joe P. shows up to games and if he doesn’t, it’s because he’s injured. Well, we saw him last Sunday, and he was fine, and the Biters won, so let’s cross our fingers that nothing happened to him during the week so that he could guide his team to victory! He’s already tallied four goals, and although that’s half of the team leader’s take, it’s also equal to the Rainbows’ goals for to date (apologies for the dig, Tia!). Other players to look out for include Alex D. and Jared—three goals apiece—as well as Timmay or Bubblebath, whose GAAs are about 2.00.

With Karma, let’s just hope that coincidences don’t further exacerbate their attendance woes for a second week straight. Having received some “insider info” from my own adversary Isaac prior to the Poutine-Karma matchup that his team would be short and would have to frantically consult the FA directory, I knew the matchup would be Poutine’s chance to cut their win streak, which we did by a narrow margin. Honestly, the Biters won’t be as forgiving with the counterattack, so in addition to Chadtrick’s league-leading reach and Nicole and Bill’s defensive tandem, they’ll need their quartet (Brianna, Cory, Derek, and Matt S., all with three goals each) to tranquilize their flesh-eating opponents for the entirety of the match.

Prediction/watchability: I hope this is a real high-scoring barnburner, even with goaltending on both sides impressive as they are. I can see Craig/Tim letting in at least one howler, and Puppy slicing through the Karma defense at breakneck speed to rifle in a couple. In the end, the Biters’ defense will be a wall in the last 7 minutes, and they’ll win convincingly 6-3 with Lesser Hemsworth Jr. Jr. bagging his first for the year.

Corlears Hookers at Poutine Machine
by Richiehero

While I like to focus on hockey and let idiots like Walker make ridiculous jokes about team names, sometimes I have to step out of my comfort zone and talk about love.

Swipe right.

Jo-Ann and Cro matched on Tinder and went on a date. This is how it went.

They see each other and introduce themselves. Neither knows the other plays in BTSH.

Cro:
USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

Jo-Ann
I never heard these 3 letters put together like this before?

Cro: 
MAGA!!!!!!! MAGA!!!!

Jo-Ann
You are very rude. I go to my safeplace rest of date!

Cro:
Good game tonight, boys!

Jo-Ann:
I wouldn’t know. Hockey team from Montreal no play.

Cro:
Probie sucks!

Jo-Ann
I actually know a Probie. He is very good at hockey.

Cro:
I play hockey.

Jo-Ann
I play hockey.

Cro:
USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

Jo-Ann
Hopefully Olivier breaks up with Julie soon…

Prediction: Poutine defeats the Hookers, 2-1.

Mathematics at Cobra Kai
by Isaac

Seis de Mayo is going down this Sunday at BTSH! Have you heard?

The saga continues.

You know what else is going down? Those stinking Kais from the undefeated evil dojo, that’s who. There is only so much magic that the city of brotherly love and their treasured daughter LJ have left in those enchanted beans they traded Sebastian for. Could this be the week that the clock strikes 12 on their luck and turns them into a pumpkin?

It’s not that we don’t like Math and all of their splendor. We believe that they are capable of many great things – like counting, drinking and taking the inevitable L. But hey, Kim K. is now considered the voice of reason in her family, so ya never really know what could happen.

Prediction: a freshly pissed off Math team takes out their frustration on CK and hands them their first loss of the season, 4-3.

What the Puck at Rehabs
by Isaac

Like a porn star says when she’s about to have sex with Johnny Rehab, ‘Let’s get this over with.’ The only difference is the Pucks won’t be wired $130,000 worth of beers afterwards.

Happy Birthday, Mike. You killed it.

Prediction: the Pucks put up a good fight, but eventually begin making their way over to the Seis de Mayo stand in the second half. Rehabs win the game, 6-0.

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
by Isaac

Going into this match-up Mega Touch will be riding Hanson’s high from being named the First Star of Week 5.  With the Jeffs becoming more involved in the game it appears that this team may be recapturing some of that magic from 2016.

This could spell trouble for Roxy and Fresh Kills who are still hungover from last year’s championship.  Gabe and Ariel’s measly 3 goals each through 5 games just comes off as lazy.  Thank goodness Soko has Nick giving an eff.

Prediction: a valiant effort by Max and Mega Touch goes to waste as Natasha shuts it down and FK takes the W, 4-1.

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