Tompkins Square Riots at Fuzz
By Tracy Demon
Who is even on Fuzz this year? Do they have some new people? I confess to not having done my research. Coach and Paul are gone; I think Alexa dropped down to part time. That leaves Miles, Gil, Ryann, hopefully Sarah T., and that one quiet, unassuming guy who doesn’t wear sleeves. While last year’s league champions have only one win so far this season, they’re still a team to be reckoned with. Word on the street is it’s also that one guy’s birthday—I have no idea how I know this, as the celebration hasn’t been widely advertised and is rumored to be just a small, intimate affair—so wouldn’t it be nice to bring him the win? Not so fast, because here come the Riots and they have every reason to make this a grudge match: This is their chance to avenge the overly solipsistic, apparently error-ridden (I wouldn’t know because I’m new school) BTSH Hall of Fame profile that was written about Amy Jones, which led to one of the weirdest and wokest offseason conversations ever to take place on the BTSH Facebook page. Yep, I think the Riots will take this one.
Prediction: Dave GDR has a monster game in net; the Riots shock the world and beat Fuzz 2-1.
Butchers at Sky Fighters
The Mad Queen, Rae-Rae Targaryen, has truly gone off her rocker this time. She is threatening the 20 realms of BTSH with burning their hopes and dreams of playing time to the core if fees are not paid by this Sunday. Man, LBS must be shaking in their sneakers at the mere whisper of ‘dracarys.’
You know who ain’t sweating it? The rebellious Sky Fighters lead by their fearless Rebel Scum veteran Admiral Greg I. Word on the sideline is that they have an inside man that has infiltrated the high ranks of the Butchers’ evil empire. When the time is right he plans on enacting Operation Default to set the league back to zero.
Prediction: Stein shuts out the Butchers and the Sky Fighters earn their second win of the season, 2-0.
SHAMELESS SOCIAL EVENT PLUG
BTSH Birthday Bash for Rich, Olivier, Ann, and Yetter
When & Where: Sunday, May 19th at ACE Bar from 4 pm – 11:58 pm
Specials: $3 Bud Light, Ace Pilsner, Narrangansett, $5 Well Drinks & Wine, and hopefully some other negotiated deals.
Fresh Kills at Gut Rot
By Birthday Boi Rich
In the past, Fresh Kills at Gut Rot would have been a slaughter…but now, outside of Fuzz, Fresh Kills is like the worst team in the league.Good thing the Disciplinary Committee doesn’t speak French or Gabe would be suspended at least two games! I don’t know what this means but it can’t be good. “Qui sont ces joueurs que Soko a ajoutés? Certains d’entre eux ont-ils déjà entendu parler du hockey? Je suis mort pour Richie Hero parce que je ne joue pas dans son équipe Sea Isle. Quoi qu’il en soit, Fresh Kills est nul et nous ne gagnerons probablement plus jamais!”
Meanwhile…Eitan, “Letmegoalie4u” snubbed Gut Rot. Mr. Roster Me snubbed a team that tried to roster him. Yikes. But shove that Yikes right up your ass because man the goalie they got is gooooood. I think his name is Eddie. Let me text Diane. Hold on. (Diane didn’t answer so I checked with Becca and it turns out it’s Sam. I dislike him already)
Prediction: Gut Rot had a rough first game vs. the Demons and then played the Hookers hard for 44 minutes, before giving up 3 goals at the end of the game. They played tough against the Riots and Sky Fighters and I think they will hang with Fresh Kills, but ultimately lose 4-1. Unlike the Canes who probably will have lost their series 4-0 to the Bruins by the time you read this. Sorry Becks.
Poutine Machine at Gouging Anklebiters
A Lover’s Quarrel
I am glad to coincidentally be missing this game – see write up title for reference why. Just as glad as I am that my contraception helps me avoid the frightening love child that could be – a Pou-Biter. I’d imagine it would be a stumbling creature, part rabid, mostly drunk but slightly hungover. A description fairly accurate for many going to Tompkins Square Park for BTSH Sunday and equally as accurate for those leaving the event at the close – whenever that might be…9pm, 2am…or it’s now morning and you went straight to work. Your poor frightened co workers.
Anyway, this game should be a good one. Somebody please send live updates, mostly of the court-side pigeon, but of the game as well. Both teams have headed into the season with 3 wins out of 4 games played and don’t show signs of letting up. I heard Biters might be light on attendance this week but Poutine is missing a few as well… I’ll leave it at that.
Score prediction: 1-0 Poutine-Biters.
Cobra Kai at What The Puck
The Dojo is off to a decent start this season but WTP is surging forward and could ~knock them off their broom~.*
*please read in a Harry Potter accent like that one scene in Harry Potter (“Give it here Malfoy or I’ll knock you off your broom”)
We’ve also got two sets of roommate head 2 heads going on here. Let’s examine them below.
The Battle of the Ex-roommates
John C vs Russ: John and Russ used to live together until Russ decided to move in with his girlfriend like an adult. Loser. John is cooler, better looking, and definitely better at hockey. However, Russ has better hair. I predict John beating Russ to the ball 5 out 6 times (because sweatpant shorts are incredibly hindering and un-athletic, RUSS).
The Battle of the Current Roommates
Henry vs Campbell: Campbell won’t be in net because his brother is graduating and he HAS to go cheer him on. Loser. Regardless I predict Henry to light Campbell up at least several times. Also Henry has better hair than Russ.
Both teams have talented players across the board and have a wild-card style of play. This will be one of the better games of the day to watch for sure. Going to use prior logic and say that because WTP beat Fuzz then they could beat CK but the dojo doesn’t go down easy. With LJ and Campbell gone (and Hogg not playing in goal), however, they probably will.
Prediction: Pucks win 3-1.
Corlears Hookers at Gremlins
By Arya Stark
If a hooker and a gremlin fought in real life, it would be the type of spectacle weirdos like me would absolutely spend big bucks to watch on pay-per-view. Sadly, all we’re going to see on Sunday is a quality ball hockey matchup between two 3-1 teams looking to prove that they’re for real after disappointing first round exits last season (at least it’s free). The Hookers have kicked off their post-Captain Cro era by allowing 0 goals in their first 7 halves of hockey before the elite sexual unit known as Poundtown potted two in the 2nd half of their week four matchup to win 2-1. Cro has claimed that he stepped down as captain because he loves empowering women, a story I’m sure everyone believes, but it seems far more likely that Tiff and Sarah just told him to go to hell or they would quit the team. He’s drank more bottles of Evan Williams at the courts than he has scored goals this season (zero), but the man can do a mean split which one would hope would be a useful skill in a hockey game, but probably only if that hockey game takes place on Michael Jackson’s ranch in 1997.
The Gremlins, meanwhile, have also started the season 3-1 after what JW was only too happy to tell me was the franchise’s first ever win against the Fresh Kills and a loss to Mega Touch that he was slightly less eager to discuss. Erich and the Magic Man have three goals each to pace the team while Jamie has been superb, as always, in net. It hasn’t all been rosy for them this season as Marcella has yet to get on the board while Cody had a particularly painful incident with his genitals, reminding everyone to never mess with Cat Boyd and bringing back some unfortunate high school memories for Walker. They’ll need to move past it because if there’s anything I know in this world, it’s that nothing exacerbates genital pain like a poorly timed encounter with hookers.
Prediction: The Gremlins have a great collection of players and generally play a fun-to-watch finesse game. But in what should be a tight matchup against a fast (besides Lee) and physical opponent, there won’t be much room to operate for their top guns. 3-1 Hookers.