Dark Rainbows at Rehabs

Written by Maeby Fünke

The (real) League Sweethearts are fresh off a tight match-up against the Gremlins, which saw the Grems barely squeak by in a shootout. This is not the same Rainbows squad who went more than a season without a win, taking a fully stocked Gremlins team to a shootout shows that they are now a formidable opponent.

The ‘Bows have not seen a win since opening day, but what WAS seen on the sidelines recently was Yetter (for some strange reason) baby powdering his stick…..and accidentally spilling baby powder all over his teammate’s hoodie. This debacle earned him the nickname “Powder” (please let this stick…no pun intended). Originally I thought the baby powder was for all their new recruits, given their median age.

Jess and Tarnow have never played the Rehabs before, so they don’t realize how full their hands will be. Tia will forewarn them, but also it will become very clear within the first couple shifts.

As for the Rehabs, they are……hmm, I am realizing I don’t know anything about the recent happenings of the Rehabs. Does anybody even care about the Rehabs anymore? Short answer: No. Long answer: Nooooooooooo.

Ok, ok, I know a bit about the Rehabs. Their girls are the best in the league. Their goalie is one of the best in the league (wait, is Ramirez still playing? I haven’t seen him). Hicks apparently had a hat trick this season (presumably due to a lack of backchecking). Hmm, what else……oh, Joey’s shop got its liquor license, check them out: https://www.joeybatscafe.com/.

The bottom line is that this team is an offensive juggernaut, give them any space at all and they’ll make you pay.

Prediction: If Cat is no longer hungover from celebrating her recent birthday then it’s possible that…..who am I kidding, this game is going to be a bigger shellacking than what has happened to the Carolina Hurricanes. (Hi Becca!)

Filthier at Mega Touch

By Richiehero

I love these playoff rematches.

Last season Filthier was supposed to destroy Mega enroute to their automatic right into the semis. However Mega scored quickly and took a 1-0 lead into halftime.

Mega didn’t allow James P. any breathing room and shut him out the whole entire game. They shut Filthier out for 49 of the 50 minutes, but there was one one-minute shift without James on the rink where Filthier tied it and took the lead. It was a great game after that as Ann and Kate checked some dude, I don’t remember and he went flying. When Mega complained about no call being made against the girls I said, “I thought if I called a penalty on them it would have made it worse for him.” (For the record, I have actually checked both Ann and Kate and I’m still salty over Kate staying on her feet.)

Prediction: With the game at 5:30 and the 5:30 Hawk https://nypost.com/2018/04/14/tompkins-square-parks-cheating-hawk-strikes-again/ watching this game over the last place Fuzz, I expect Mega to pull the massive upset and win 2-1. If they lose by 4 or more I will shun every Mega player for 2 weeks. Julie for 3.

Mathematics at Instant Karma

By Regina George

If we were looking at a seating chart of a high school cafeteria, Math would be at the band geek table and Karma would be at the burnout table. Nerds never get anywhere in life (and by life I mean high school) but the team known as Math is a force to be reckoned with. Despite the hippie-dippy name Karma, they’re far from burnt out with fast and fierce players.

Math has a super squadron with their female firepower plus Eli, John and Zach— and one small tadpole/worm/not a cobra who is slowing transitioning into a frog with an occasional sneaky goal.

Karma has equal female firepower— yes the Trembles but also Briana and rookie Sam— along with the quadron (that’s not a word but there’s 4 of them and I didn’t want to say squadron) of Steve Derek and Cory. PS Nicole pls come back 4ever thx.

Prediction: Tight game but Karma’s style prevails and they beat the nerds 3-2 because BTSH is high school after all and nerds never win.

Denim Demons at LBS, Inc.

By the Meatbox

In a battle of Old School teams featuring some New School blood we have Poundtown vs The Fighting Za{c/ch/ck/k/chary}s. Both of these teams have started the year hot, however it is the LBS who are still undefeated (thanks to rain fears two weeks ago).

On first glance, this game appears to feature two teams at opposite ends of the hockey spectrum. On second glance, that would be confirmed. Don’t let the records fool you, the LBS are just that much better. The LBS are like the Houston Rockets. They have all the talent in the world, a number of recognizable stars in the league, but they just can’t seem to get over the hump and win a title. Meanwhile the Demons are like the Cleveland Cavaliers – a small market team that is unable to poach big name FAs and forced to build via the draft only to watch those players eventually leave for Fuzz (but at least now they’re self-proclaimed league sweethearts?).

The good news for all 3 fans of this game is that the weather looks to be good for Sunday, so we can expect this game to happen. The bad news is the refs might have their work cut out for them as this game has potential for some of it’s New School blood to boil over, causing some of the New Schoolers to break rule #1.

Prediction: Frey wins the D5 Commissioner Bowl and it isn’t particularly close. Boylan doesn’t score, Avery nets at least 2 for LBS, while one member of the Zach Party scores for the Demons. LBS 6, Demons 1.