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Week 6 Preview – Part 1

Tompkins Square Riots at LBS, Inc

written by An Old Jedi (my Padawan will be back eventually, I promise.)

Well, it hasn’t been said yet this season, so, now is as good a time as any……”stop, stop…he’s already dead.”

Let’s face it, this one has the potential to be a real bloodbath. While everyone has been busy pointing fingers at the Rehabs in recent years for stacking their team (among other things), Lbs have silently been adding players from the ECHL, the AHL, the QMJHL, and wherever dudes like Avery come from. They’ve also added some great female talent. (Be aware of whoever this new girl Kelsey is, Riots.)

So, let’s look at how the Riots can potentially avoid the (almost) inevitable…

Keys to the game for the Riots:

    • Keep an eye on Alex Frey. He will almost always carry the puck up from defense – make him make a mistake. (Wait, this is starting to be like an actual serious hockey preview, which is so boring…does anyone wanna talk about A Quiet Place instead? I saw it and it’s actually really good. I didn’t know what to expect but was pleasantly surprised. Ok, ok, fine, back to BTSH…)
    • Riots, try to somehow silence Scotty K. I suspect that if he stops screaming at the top of his lungs for like 15 seconds, his whole body might just implode. I want to know if my hypothesis is correct.
    • Don’t get Boylan angry. You won’t like her when she’s angry.
    • Get the puck to Laura M. Homegirl is due for one.
    • Hope that Sam from Lbs doesn’t finally make his triumphant return this week. You’ll never break through his defense.
    • Use Max’s speed. I am not talking about how fast he runs, I mean that you are all going to have to take speed to even make it through this game against LBS.
    • Get Klion to shotgun as many beers as possible before the game. If you manage to get her to pass out during gameplay, maybe the game will be called a draw, or something. (Similar to how if your college roommate dies you automatically get an A.)
    • Get the puck to that blonde girl on the Riots who I don’t know, she can bury it, especially when in close.
    • Ask Amy J. about the status of the long-awaited BTSH documentary. This will not help your game or anything, I just wanna know.
    • Don’t get into a board battle with Mikayla. She is incredibly tall, and strong, and you’ll lose.
    • Does Craig T. ever still play in the league? Love that dude. Bring him back, Riots.
    • Offer to buy Ali’s Freddy Krueger sweatshirt from her. Again, this will not help your game, I just want that sweatshirt.
  • Challenge LBS to a game of Bananagrams instead of hockey, maybe you can beat them at that.

Keys to the game for LBS:  Don’t run up the score, assholes.

Prediction:

If Dave GDR manages to get the W in this game, he will 100% be getting 1st star of the week.

You heard it here first.

Denim Demons at Fuzz
by Richiehero

I was hoping to see something nice written about both teams so I decided to do it myself, since there was no way Chadtrick would.

So here are some nice things.

Demons:
You play really hard and as we all saw vs. Fresh Kills, you can beat anyone on any given Sunday.
But you murdered Double Wide.
If Zack doesn’t score, you can’t win.
Mostly because outside of Adam, all of your players are named Zack.
Everyone loves Tracy.
Go fuck yourself JR. you coward. Let’s fight!

Now here is my Demons Haiku
Denim Demons Rule
But not at hockey haha
Birthday yacht was fun

RIP

Fuzz:
We have a lot of Jews too. But some of ours are actually good.
Mike T. offered to play D this year. Sarah T. offered to play forward. Selfless.
Alyssa has more goals than Charlotte, but so does Sarah T.
Caitlin is our secret weapon.
But when she’s our best player we’re doomed. No offense. And I mean that in don’t take offense Caitlin but also because you are offensively limited.
Grudge match for Paul and Coach. That is unless Isaac accepts my trade offer of Coach for Cory and Breanna.
Vlad hustles.

My haiku for Fuzz
We are clean and fun
Alexa started with Elves
We will win by 3

Prediction: Fuzz 5, Demons 2.

Sky Fighters at Gremlins
by Isaac

The Sky Fighters latest addition to their fleet of lethal weapons is the formidable Carlin.  When she’s not reducing the defense to a quivering mess by breaking their nuts, she’s putting on the smooth moves similar to that of the legend Peter Forsberg.  This could make the high flying Fighters a team of destiny.

That’s not at all what Jamie wants hear as Walker’s rank +/- has been censored on their team page.  Luckily for him though, and the Gremmies’ fan base, is that Mark McA, Allison (#rebelscum4lyfe) and Cody should be back in lineup for this game.  When the gang’s all together they can go toe-to-toe with any team in the league.

Prediction: the game within the game between Jill and Mia is the real reason to stick around for this contest, but Rockoff and Mills will demand attention and steal a victory, 4-3.

Filthier at Gut Rot
by Isaac

Groomzilla James has been on a rampage in BTSH this season.  He and Sunny have connected for a combined 6 goals and 0 fucks given in 5 games.  At this pace it’ll be a long day for any opposing team’s defense to attempt to keep them in check.

Yikes!  Is the warning sign that flashed across Ed and the Gilligan’s collective brains after reading that preview. The Akhil Nation will need to step up their game and ensure that Kellie has her swag going on for this match-up.  If they can accomplish that then we like their chances in this one.

The teams he plays for never wins, the teams he roots for never wins. He sold his baby so he could buy buttons on his shirt but then sold the buttons for a PBR.
Yet this man is BTSH.

Prediction: Ellery makes a surprise appearance to deliver a belligerent motivational speech before the game and Gut Rot shocks the league by winning, 3-2

Dark Rainbows at Butchers
by Isaac

The Dark Rainbows’ play this season has been an encouraging revelation compared to previous seasons.  The welcomed return of Sean and his talents have given this mad crew the confidence and poise to stand up to any challenger.  Tia and Cat’s bold move to insert speedster Joshy Wags into the rotation has put opponents on their heels and the Rainbows trending in the right direction.

After stumbling out of the gate this year, the Butchers seem to have found a steady rhythm over the past few games.  While Tarzan has been shouldering the scoring load, we would be remiss if didn’t point out that when the weather warms up so does Pete D, Georgine and Tim B.  However, with temperatures creeping back down into the 60s this Sunday it is unclear which Butchers team will show up.

Prediction: Karl and Matt get the Rainbows out to an early lead, but Chairwoman Rachel leads the charge in the second half and the Butchers to victory, 5-2.

Note: the Biters v Karma preview will post tomorrow with Part 2. 

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