Now Fresh Kills Can Look Like A Team

Hot Styles Coming Through
In an effort to draw closure on the “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser era, Fresh Kills tossed aside its trademark powder blue tank tops for a new look.  Gone is the old design of a fish skeleton and tin can, replaced by two ornithological creatures that appear to be seagulls (or crows or vultures or whatever else might fly over a landfill).  The uniforms once again feature numbers on the back.  However, since each number represents the respective player’s year of birth, there are no numbers higher than 63.

Not to be outdone, the Mighty Squirrels also debuted a new jersey (New Jersey!) on Sunday.  Although the new shirt bears the same crest logo as the old shirt, it is made of a more breathable fabric, enabling the Squirrels to burn off all of their excess alcohol in a more comfortable fashion.  In addition, with league members no longer going to Iggy’s, captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene has already secured sponsorship from new league bar, the East Village Tavern, whose logo adorns the sleeve.  The Squirrels are also expected to unveil their “Team (S)crappy” jerseys any day now.

The Rehabs Are Assholes (Except Cupcake)
Continuing in the tradition of the Corlears Heckle Wall, the Rehabs set up shop in the sideline dugout of the West court during the Unicorns-Corlears Hookers matchup.  With taunts and insults raining down on the Hookers, the Rehabs’ rabid support may have been just enough to spur the Unicorns to their upset victory.  This blurb would be longer, but we are unable to print anything they yelled for fear of censorship.  Fortunately, Bryan “Stork” Welch had laryngitis, or the catcalls would have been a lot worse.

“Con” Ed Thanks You
The fourth annual American Cancer Society charity tournament was once again a smashing success. This year, more than $3,300 was raised, with some donations still trickling in. The four year total now stands at more than $13,000. “Con” Ed Lau sincerely thanks everyone who participated and helped out.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Ara Arnn
Team: Cobra Kai
Nickname: 6-1-9
Rejected Nicknames: 9-1-7, Double A, El Padre, Ski
Origin: San Diego, CA
College: University of Notre Dame du Lac
Early Aspirations: To manage his own Ralphs supermarket franchise
First Job: Junior Trainer for Shamu at Sea World
Current Job: Architect
Hero: Ara Parseghian
Reason to Love Him: He epitomizes “California Cool”.
Reason to Hate Him: His hometown has much better weather than yours does.
Fast Fact: Ara still believes that San Diego is German for “whale’s vagina”.
Favorite Things: San Diego Chargers, Bristol Byzantine architecture, fish tacos, palindromes
Favorite Technical Drawing Instrument: T-square
Least Favorite Things: Oakland Raiders, implosions, earthquakes, shaving
Best Known For: Always wearing sunglasses (except in the above picture)
Hockey Comparison: Brooks Orpik
Non-Hockey Comparison: Ted Mosby, architect
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: His team’s intense rivalry with the Mathematics
Down the Road: Notre Dame commissions Ara to design a renovation of Notre Dame Stadium (AKA “The House That Rockne Built”).  His ingenious plan places the visiting bench directly between the student section and the marching band.  With all visiting opponents clearly rattled, the Fighting Irish finish undefeated at home in the newly designed stadium’s inaugural year, springing them to a Gator Bowl win over the Temple Owls.  As the Irish continue to succeed on their new home field, students begin to refer to the stadium as “The House That Arnn Built”.