Instant Karma at Sky Fighters
By The Meatbox
Gather round BTSH loyal subjects for I am about to tell you a story. The story is about my dear friend Robert. Robert is very similar to a lot of you. He cares deeply about his community (he’s a crime stopper after all), he has a thing for moms, and he loves the game of hockey. The one thing Robert has that you don’t is a Ronkonkoma Condo. But if you pay close attention to this tale, you too may find a way to own one.
Now, Robert didn’t just wake up one day and say “today I will buy a condominium in the legendary neighborhood of Ronkonkoma”; nobody just wakes up and purchases one of those illustrious pieces of land. Years of blood, sweat, and tears went into this. Robert trained for hours to rise up the crime stopper ranks to make this happen. He became an expert at answering the phone on the first ring, he became a legend in his local cross fit gym- soccer moms were always on the brink of destruction, he perfected counting to fooooooouuurrr, and then he poached a shit ton of BTSH players, rebranded his team to make one of them happy and went on to win a BTSH title and later buy a condo. The end.
Now looking at this matchup Karma seems like a team that could be on the cusp of Robertdom. They’ve put in their blood, sweat, and tears. They’ve trained for moments like this, putting in hours on the blacktop and at the bar. They’re really, really, ridiculously good looking which generally means things come easier for them in life. They’re just a poach or two and a rebrand away from something special… dare I say, bangin’, no, dare I say uber bangin’.
On the other side of the court we see what happens when you don’t protect your assets. Assholes like Poutine befriend them, threaten to rip your throat out, and steal all your brand new players. Dear readers, let this be a lesson to all of us: the devil comes like a thief in the night. And the Devil’s name is Brian Sullivan. However, the Sky Fighters still have Stein, Mia, Caroline and Infanti, members of the legendary Sky Fighters team that upset Robert in his first bid at BTSH glory and Ronkonkoma home ownership. Can these four rally the troops to collect the Sky Fighters first winning streak of the young season?
Prediction: Friedman brings his A-game and the post shootout jump into Derek’s arms is completely unneeded as this game doesn’t go to a shootout. The Sky Fighters keep it interesting, but in the end Chadwick’s height, the Tremble sisters’ charisma and Isaac’s Hemsworth-esque looks are too much for them to overcome. Karma wins this one 4-1, pushing their win streak to 3 games and letting the league know that they’re not just here to be really, really ridiculously good looking. Buckle up.
Butchers at Cobra Kai
Written by Emory and Oglethorpe
The Butchers are riding high after upsetting the Rehabs last week. Cobra Kai also ‘upset’ Fuzz.
We expect these two friendly divisional rivals to be hungry to keep the streak going this Sunday.
Rose Charities’ Queen Greene has been decompressing all week after months of stress organizing the tournament (thanks Rachel!), and she is now ready to get back out on the Tompkins pavement. Tim Burke is…….wait, where has Tim Burke been? If he doesn’t show up Sunday I am definitely alerting the authorities. If Tim does show up and the defensive core of Cheeky, Brady, Creamy and MDF show up, this could be stifling for Cobra Kai’s offense.
Having said that, Kai’s offense is one of the most potent in the league. Pete, Liam, Dani, Will, Tom, Siena are all dangerous with the puck, and are always a scoring threat. Their D has always been lockdown, and we all know Campbell’s skill level. Wait, did Campbell move yet? This could be a game changer. Also, I feel like I always hear that people in this league are moving away, but then I keep still seeing them……and seeing them….and seeing them. BTSH is like a reverse Bermuda Triangle.
I guess we all just can’t stay away.
Prediction: In this battle of many Rachels, Cobra Kai prevails, 3 (Rachels) to 1 (Rachel).
Corlears Hookers at Gouging Anklebiters
The Hookers/Anklebiters is my favorite game of the year bc it’s the best personal rivalry in BTSH, Probie vs. Cro.
The Anklebiters are self proclaimed God’s Team, sorta like the Demons are self-proclaimed League Sweethearts. Unfortunately for the Amy and her crew, they might be God’s team, but the last time they met in the playoffs God put an ol’ fashioned Smiting on the Anklebiters by not only letting the Hookers come back from 3-1 down, but having the evil Cro score the OT winner.
Now that the history lesson is over, let’s look at the game. The Biters have the top end talent with Probie, Derho and that guy Jason that Jeff keeps telling me is just as good as Probie. Buuuuut they also have several players who are not even young enough to be Gil’s son, or Gil’s Son’s brother so if the superstars aren’t on the court, they are really slow.
Meanwhile, the Hookers got the Women’s Division on lock. All 5 Hookers ladies would be the best girl on most teams, though lose the jacket while playing Tiffany, it’s May for Christ sakes. Also, shoutout to Caroline and Moore on the Anklebiters…bc if this was broomball I’d switch my vote to the Biters.
For goalies, it’s Craig by a mile…regular season only of course. Once October hits I’m taking Dustin over almost everyone. I mean Craig in a 0-0 shootout in the playoffs is the worst.
The Pick: God is good….this time for the Biters. Schuey scores no goals in their 3-2 victory. But fear not CroMerica…this is just a battle in a very long war.
Gut Rot at Mega Touch
I am honestly not sure whether playing a mid-afternoon game on Cinco de Mayo spells absolute doom for Gut Rot, or whether we’re all in for a thrilling reprise of The Day the Earth Stood Drunk. (Sidebar, whatever happened to parts 2-9 of that saga which were teased but never delivered? Get on that, Rogue Media.) No doubt Julie’s face is lighting up with glee at the prospect. Unfortunately for Mega, the still-drunk-opponent strategy didn’t work out too well last week against Poutine—but second time’s a charm, and I see the orange ball bouncing their way this week.
Prediction: Mega 3, Gut Rot 1 + 100 margaritas.
Tompkins Square Riots at Denim Demons
By Glen Coco
Two red teams known for being tough where it counts. This is going to be a physical game, folks. While the demons are clearly at the top of the 4th division and the riots are somewhere towards the bottom, the demons can’t underestimate the riots (hello 2018 cobra kai shootout game).
Barring the riots’ random X factor, if the demons have everyone show (minus their captain who is on an exotic European vacation) it should be an easy W.
Prediction: demons 7, riots 2
Mathematics (2-1-0*) at Filthier (1-2-0*)
Tompkins West, 14:00 (2:00pm)
*W4 box scores haven’t been posted yet as of 5/2
Despite some of the Norri leaving the franchise for entrepreneurships/ventures, the squad that names itself after orders of operations has nonetheless kept its composure level high, winning their last two (including one over a top division opponent). Conversely, the 2015 PBR Cup winners have had early roadblocks in their schedule, losing twice to their divisional rivals in as many games. Even in a game with seemingly little to no long-term implications, gaining two points in the campaign is of utmost importance.
Elder skatesman Justin opened the team’s account in W1, scoring the only goal for that game, unfortunately. However, such a goal opened the floodgates all of a sudden for the younger folks, with Jon (3) and Jack (2) beginning to make routine contributions to the scorecard. Additionally, Dave L. has remained stalwart in net with a GAA of just over 2, but the back line will have to be even more attentive in this upcoming matchup. The triumvirate of Sunny, James, and Jaime will likely remain relentless, and the trouble they’ll cause will prevent any Math personnel from getting any traction offensively. They’ll have to hope Derek can skip parenting for a weekend and provide some extra muscle (I’m guessing he can lift more than Meatbox and Sultan combined now he doesn’t have to wait to use equipment–unlike with most gyms in the metropolitan area).
So apparently our ladies and gents in black/pink (no, not one of the 5,000 K-Pop female groups with booming popularity here stateside) don’t have to play Poutine anymore, which is probably good for their cholesterol–especially for Tim’s, whose beloved Roma will miss another opportunity to enter the Champions’ League if Atalanta keeps its form. I think that while this current squad will routinely run the opposition ragged as they’ve done years before, it won’t do so with as much intensity. Their two divisional matchups in W1 & W3 may already indicate the strength in the Soko Division, so Filthier will have to get points elsewhere if it wants to remain in top flight. “Annimal” and her female teammates will be critical to earn the two points; they’re not on the scoresheet as much, but they are as tenacious as the men on the court. If level of tenacity for entire regulation = 100, the players will have no problem snatching victory.
Not a walk in the park for Filthier, but they’ll get it done. No nonsense, injuries, or extracurriculars. This won’t be “game of the week” by any stretch of imagination, but both teams will be playing it as such knowing the weather will be extremely beautiful.