What The Puck at Gremlins

By Regina George

The Pucks skated by the Riots last week. I forget the score but it was a lot to a little. Meanwhile, the Gremlins had their hands full with the Rainbows, beating them in a shootout.

And now for a comprehensive list that has almost nothing to do with hockey. DISCLAIMER: If I say “no offense” you can’t be offended. It’s the law.

Better hair: WTP in a landslide (Henry and Mike D with the flow but even Hogg has a fancy haircut. Anyone ever notice how guys in a relationship have better hair than when they were single?)  

Better goalie: Gremlins (No offense Ed, but Jamie has this on lock. You want to hate him but he’s just too nice and happy. Has anyone seen him frown? The media would appreciate a hot tip.)

Better fashion: WTP. Walker wears band t-shirts from when he was 18 and Cody has that eyesore of a hat. (no offense Cody). (just like, get a better hat). 

Better ladies: WTP has Sam (who scored a hat trick last weekend), Annie and Emily but the Gremlins have Marcella, Allison and Courtney. I’m calling this a tie. 

Better chill factor: I’m not saying the Gremlins can’t hang but I’m also saying a certain member (it was Erich okay, twist my arm) said he doesn’t hang out after games. I’ve seen more WTP players stick around than Gremmies. You can score all the goals in the world, ERICH (and salt boyzzz), but if you can’t chug a beer after a game WHAT’S THE POINT.

Both of these teams are pretty good this year but I’m going to give the advantage to the pucks. While the Gremlins have had some great victories (beating fresh kills) WTP has been more consistent.

Prediction: Pucks win 3-1 and Cody gets hit in the nads 0 times.

Fuzz at Fresh Kills

Written by ihearthockey1427

Two of the league’s powerhouses meet in this early afternoon matchup. Both Fuzz and Fresh Kills have been steamrolling all opponents in their path this year, and they show no signs of slowing down. Wait, what? No, that can’t be right. Read me the numbers again. Wait, seriously? Both of these teams are 1-3?? I never thought I’d see the day.

So, how did did two of the league’s most skilled teams find themselves in such a precarious position?

Fresh Kills seem to have a lot of new players. Or, they’re trying out new players? Each week this season they’ve shown up with band of seemingly all new faces. Last week on the sidelines during their contest against Math several onlookers could be heard saying “I have never seen any of these people on Fresh Kills before. Who are they??”. So, can Dave’s new recruits start to gel together and eventually log some wins? We all know the ball hockey takes some adjustment, especially on the umm, ‘unforgiving’, surface of Tompkins. However, we expect them to bounce back and become a contender again.

For Fuzz, it would be easy to say that Coach retired and they fell apart. But that may only be part of the story. Alyssa also (early) retired, and I believe Paul is gone, too. These are all big losses for a squad who have always been stingy on defense. Coach’s replacement is league veteran Tim Brown, who has always been great between the pipes. However, I think I have seen him……once, this year? Additionally, sources are reporting that Fuzz are 1-1 with Walsh present…seems like that dude needs to start making more games. I haven’t seen Jeff and Alexa much this year either. If the core members of this team don’t start showing up more regularly Fuzz are going to end up………having all their players show up at playoff time and still beat everyone anyway.

Prediction: Based on the ways things have been going, they’ll both lose this game. Since that can’t happen, we’re gonna predict that Fuzz prevails, 3-2. Glanzer scores a goal. (But Hogg waves it off.)

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows

By RG1 and RG2

RG2: Yo Rachel. I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but Sweet Baby James had one of the best tournaments of all time. ONE OF THE BEST TOURNAMENTS OF ALL TIME! He went 3-0!!!! (Hands mic to RG)

RG1: Erm. Thanks, RG2. Are you going Kanye on me because I didn’t cut the sleeves off your shirt Saturday? I think we’ve all learned what happens to CryBaby James when the Rainbows bring on Tito’s to sponsor a tournament (THANK YOU BRYAN, WE LOVE YOU). You know who also can’t handle his liquor, but in the best way possible? Sully. He hugs and shares his MVP booze prize with everyone.

RG2: So I see this is going to be a Rose Charities Tournament preview? Any chance I can get a 2010 Happy Little Elves reference since Jerome is on Poutine? Did you just roll your eyes at me??? OK, I prob deserve that.  

RG1: Happy Little Elves? Like the last time (before this Saturday) I’ve seen Delacey in a green shirt and suspender goalie pants. Speaking of 2010, Rose Charities and the Rainbows – did you see the Sean ‘Jesus’ Reynolds on Saturday? I think he was wearing the same pants he’s had since 2010.  
 

RG2: Well I’m a man of my word so like I said, I’m gonna let you finish. But there is no way I’m doing a preview that just talks about hugs and Elves. Well maybe Elves. While Yetter is my boy, and in my opinion the best player on the court (sorry James, if I said you were Rachel would kill me) I gotta go with Poutine here. They are heavy favorites…well as heavy as favorites as they can be considering they’ve never scored four goals in a game. The Rainbows play hard but Poutine plays hardest. 5-1, Poutine. Jess scores, though not this week. 

RG1: I mean, I just love hugs(and the Elves), ask Charlotte and Jess. Maybe they will hug during the game? Fine, hockey, got it. I think it’s going to be a very fun game to watch. The Rainbows keep getting better, but Poutine will give them a run for their money. Mikey and Sully are fast littler f*ckers and will certainly get a lot of shots off. It’s gonna be a nail-biter. As much as I hate to agree with Glanzer on anything, I think Poutine is going to take this one in a shoot out. Why shoot out? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUN TO WATCH!

Rehabs at LBS, Inc.

By Jess

Two top 1st division teams are facing off this weekend who also happen to be close off the courts. So close, in fact, that a good chunk of both lineups will be celebrating Captain Frey’s birthday the night before which should prove for an interesting game.

Both teams have very strong female squads. The only thing differentiating the two would be that some women on the Lbs like dick- which according to one Rehabs player, is NOT the key to winning.

All dick-loving aside, this game is going to be a good one. The Lbs are yet to be defeated and the Rehabs are coming off of an upset loss to the Butchers. The ‘habs traditionally don’t play well against the Lbs but last week’s loss might be enough motivation to get it together and get the W. Will playing the last game of the day help the aging players/those who can’t handle their hangovers on both teams?

A slight advantage the Rehabs have is their deep bench. The Lbs have 2 lines that do the majority of the heavy lifting. However, the biggest factor in winning this game will be style of play. The Rehabs play a defensively minded game and can be slow to transition to offense. Conversely, the Lbs play a fast paced run-the-ball style offense and create a lot of 3 v 2 situations. They are scrappy and have proven time and time again they can come from behind and win and/or hold tight to a 1-goal lead for the W.   Coming off of last week’s upset, I think the Rehabs will have a stronger will to win and the Lbs’ will get put on their heels after feeling a little too comfortable as an undefeated team.

Prediction: Rehabs win in OT 3-2