Cobra Kai at Gremlins
by Arya Stark

Putting together two position-by-position previews in week five seems totally unnecessary but hey, it’s 2:30 AM, my apartment is full of (mostly legal) drugs and there’s only so many times I can watch SNL sketches (old and new).  So what the hell, let’s do another one for this pivotal D3 showdown.

Forwards
Cobra Kai has returned their 2017 core and even improved upon it with the addition of Olivier “Derrick” Brassard.  They’ve handed the Rehabs their only loss and, right before this game, will finish up their rained out week 3 matchup with the also undefeated Poutine whom they lead 1-0 at the half.  The Gremlins, meanwhile, have an impressive group of forwards led by Erich, Cody and the Magic Man himself (along with Rockoff, the best player agent BillsMafia tears can buy).  It’s surprising, then, that they’ve underwhelmed thus far, having scored the same number of goals as their opponents despite having an extra game factored into the stats.

EDGE: Even

Defense
Liam is one of the very best in the league at generating offense from the backline while LJ will be fresh off forcing the 24th retirement of $h0wt!m3 shortly after demolishing the city of Philly.  Her wanton destruction of public property aside, she’ll have her hands full with the aforementioned Gremlins offense and Marcella’s surprisingly effective golf-swing slapshot.  The Gremmies have a strong core of defenders but rumor has it they’re more concerned with their playing time, +/-ratings and being mad at the media for snarky reporting of the Mega Touch incident (Mega Touch incident referring to a tense confrontation in week 3 and not a euphemism for team-wide sexual assault) than the Evil Dojo.

EDGE: Cobra Kai

Goaltending
Last year’s ROY (but #notmyROY for half the league) is having a strong start to the season and thus far avoiding the sophomore jinx, even if he did lose his shutout last week in the waning minutes of the game to the very same guy at the center of the ROY debate.  Still, he got the win and in every hockey league on the planet except this one, that’s what ultimately matters.  Jamie, meanwhile, has been his steady reliable self in net with nine goals allowed in four games played this season for a GAA of 2.25.  With respect to Filthier, this will be the toughest test he’s faced so far this year.

EDGE: Even

Intangibles
Both teams came into last year’s playoffs with serious sleeper potential as two of the top teams in scoring and goal differential, only to be taken down in the first round.  Cobra Kai suffered a nail-biting defeat to Math while the Gremlins were treated like a rental car by Hicks and Co, before his offseason Kevin Durant-ing of Fuzz.  Also, for all the hate Cro gets in this league for wearing the Trump hat it should be noted that LJ just forced a Spanish man into early retirement.  Was he a bad hombre or is she just a nasty woman?

EDGE: Cobra Kai

Prediction: Both teams will be looking to make a statement that they’re for real after disappointing postseason runs a year ago.  I had these teams ranked 1 and 2 in the division in my preseason preview and stand by that, even with Poutine’s hot start to the season.  But while one of these squads has flashes of brilliance mixed with spurts of uncharacteristically erratic play, the other has been running like a well-oiled machine so far this season.  Dojo wins two games in one day, taking this one by a score of 5-2.

Rehabs at Filthier
by Arya Stark

One of the best games of the week features a rematch of last year’s final four classic which saw the Rehabs advance in overtime (at least I think it was OT – I was busy shotgunning beers and working on my Gabe voodoo doll at the time).  Both teams have started the season 3-1 with lone losses coming to two of the elite teams in the league (Cobra Kai and Fuzz).  Both feature talent at all positions and arguably the two best goalies in the league between the pipes.  Who will take Sunday’s matchup?  Which team will get to wear black?  How many goals will the Rehabs have called off, and how many will they admit were legitimate?  Will the sidelines cheer for either team or just heckle both mercilessly and without regard for human life?  I think I know the answer to that last one, come to think of it.  Regardless, let’s go to the videotape:

Forwards
One of their star lady forwards has been spending a lot of time playing defense this season, quarterbacking the offense from the point and using that booming shot to get rebounds for her teammates.  Fortunately for the Rehabs they have plenty of ladies to pick up the slack up front with Monique remaining one of the underrated ladies in the entire league.  A. May (not to be confused with A. Frey, who I hear is very sexy) Joey Bats and the Phareaux (apply here!  but maybe don’t tell Sarah) are always threats to put the ball in the net everytime they step out on the court.  On the pink side of the court, James is a top three player in this league and his line with Sunny and Ann remains one of the most dangerous in the league.  They’ll have their hands full Sunday with a deep Rehabs lineup.

Defense
Sena’s one of the best female players in the league and probably the best pure defender among the ranks of the two x-chromosomes, and Cherie has been filling in back there to much critical acclaim.  In actuality there’s been precious little acclaim because no one seems to want to say anything good about the Rehabs, but as long as the wins keep coming in and the disallowed goals do not, the Rehabs aren’t complaining.  Filthy, meanwhile, has longtime franchise defenseman JJ patrolling the back-end with Kate and Danielle eating valuable minutes the same way Walker eats valuable tacos every day of his life.  It’s a close one, but I’m inclined to give the edge to…

EDGE: Filthier

Goaltending
Two of the best goalies in the league will once again throw down Sunday.  Ramirez and the Rehabs got the edge in two regular season matchups last season with Eric allowing one total goal.  Tim K got his revenge in Ocean City when the Shortis smoked the rest of the tournament field like a bad cigar, but Eric had the last laugh with the aforementioned final four game.  Assuming both goalies are in for Sunday (likely considering the Rehabs’ backup tender just tendered his resignation, but the BTSH gambling community will await confirmation), it should be a tightly contested affair with goals at a premium.

EDGE: Even

Intangibles
These are two of the best teams in the league not just this season but in recent history.  Throughout the past three years they are tied for second in aggregate points with 80, behind only the Fresh Kills.  Each team has won one title in that span.  Each team is 3-1-0 this year.  The Rehabs were beaten only by Cobra Kai.  Filthier, however, was beaten by Fuzz, who were beaten by the Fresh Kills, who were beaten by the Rehabs.  Add in the fact that the Rehabs had either 3, 4 or 16 goals waved off last week (depending on who you ask) and you would have to think that they’re renouncing their membership to the Klion School of Crease Violations and will be more careful to avoid getting their shit called off this week.

EDGE: Rehabs

Prediction: A primetime first division showdown sees a ton of action below the hashmarks as each team will get ample opportunity to test the opposing goaltender early and often.  James is probably the best overall player in this matchup, but the Rehabs’ superior depth will prove to be too much on this day.  4-2 with an empty netter (and only one goal called off).

Gut Rot at Mega Touch

by Izzy

Before BTSH itself, there were six singularities. Then the league exploded into existence, and the remnants of these systems were forged into concentrated ingots… Infinity Stones.

The Inebriation Stone originated with the Gut Rot franchise and has never left. So much of what makes Ellery, well, Ellery and Scott the man with the heaviest pour is derived from the essence of this stone. Oddly enough it is also what makes Becca incoherent.

The Salubrious Stone has changed teams over the course of the league’s existence and this season finds itself residing with Julie and Mega Touch. It’s magic elements course through the team’s veins making them the happy and healthy mofos of BTSH. It is also what keeps Tuchman in the highest of spirits and always seeing their pints as half full.

Prediction: A delightful contest of two of most BTSH-esque teams in the league with Liza sinking two and Gut Rot getting back into the win column, 4-2.

Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills
by Cat

Cro may be leading the league in garbage goals but they were all against a Dark Rainbows substitute croquet goalie, not a goaltender as pile-worthy as Barch. The Hookers have put up some close game scores, but when it comes down to it, their only W this season is against a team that’s lost more consecutive times than I’ve lost the will to live while reading Kanye’s Twitter account.

In the negative column for FK, attendance has been occasionally spotty (see: their sound defeat at the hands of LBS), plus people keep teasing Gabe and Ariel about their age, which isn’t very nice, and probably takes its mental toll.

Prediction: These teams have scoring talent on both sides, but blue is the warmest color. 3-0, Fresh Kills over Hookers.

Poutine Machine at Instant Karma
by Chica Malcriada

Poutine has picked up right where it left off last season by successfully taking care of business and refining their craft in each game. The Gravy Train’s style of play is showing the opposition an opportunity and then taking it away. The formula is simply, really – the defense dumps, the forwards chase and kick it back to the open player in the slot. Boom.

Karma’s been having some success of their own this season and having good ‘ol fashion BTSH fun as well. Last year they took some lumps during a transition season, but they seem to have turned it around this year. Bill’s on-court veteran leadership has given them a boost of confidence and the Vernoias’ dynamic play has their fan base already thinking playoffs.

Prediction: Poutine teaches Karma that they still have a few things to learn as BSA and Patty Ringer power the Machine to a divisional win, 4-2.