Monica Has Jesus On Her Side

GAME OF THE WEEK
Unicorns (2-2) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (4-0)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 2-1-1
Game Notes: The Unicorns enter this Woodsworth Division matchup on the heels of a stunning loss to the mildly popular Happy Little Elves.  Of greater concern than the loss itself, however, was that their normally potent offense was held scoreless.  Despite this loss, the Unicorns will retain possession of the extremely prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup, largely due to a huge week 1 victory against the Dark Rainbows.  While Filthy Gorgeous does not possess any cup, the team does possess the highest scoring offense in BTSH, with 26 goals in four games.  Half of their goals have come off the sticks of “Gentleman” James Pereira (7) and Sunny Mehra (6).  They now sit atop the standings, tied with fellow Woodsworth Division rival, What The Puck.  The Unicorns’ fast-paced offense has the potential to upset even the toughest of teams in BTSH, but it will need to be firing on all cylinders to defeat a front-running Filthy Gorgeous team.
Keys To The Game:
1. The Unicorns’ offense will look to Chris, as he now leads the team with four goals on the season.  More important, he also leads the team in smiles and general good-naturedness.
2. Filthy Gorgeous goalie Dan “D.O.” Owens already has a shutout to his credit and has only allowed just five goals in three games.  However, his numbers are trending in the wrong direction as his GAA has increased with each game.  Owens will need to reverse this pattern for Filthy to be successful.
3. Although the uniform has been labeled one of the ugliest in the history of BTSH, captain Monica Russo has ordered her teammates to wear their throwback, electric lime jerseys from 2006.  It is clearly not a coincidence that these jerseys bear an eery resemblance to those of the Happy Little Elves, the team that defeated the Unicorns last week.  Of course, Monica would never be that devious…
Eli’s Pick: Happy Littles Elves Filthy Gorgeous 
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  Wow!  A game of the week involving Filthy with no mention of Ashy Larry.  Oh, wait…

Tuques (0-4) vs. LBS, Inc. (2-2)
Guest Columnist: Eric Devlin (Mega Touch)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 8-1
Game Notes: At first glance it seems LBS, Inc. should be the favorite for this game, as the Tuques have yet to win and have yielded a crap load of goals. However, the Tuques have had a tough schedule thus far, losing to Corlears Hookers, What The Puck, Filthy Gorgeous and the defending champion Fresh Kills. Meanwhile, LBS, Inc. had its hands full last week with the Gouging Anklebiters. Regardless of the outcome, this promises to be a tense matchup.
Eric’s Pick: Tuques. It won’t be easy, but if they can keep their heads in the game, they can grab that first victory of the season.

What The Puck (4-0) vs. Mega Touch (0-3-1)
Guest Columnist: Ben Chadwick (Happy Little Elves)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 10-2
Game Notes: When considering What The Puck, two terms should pop into your mind: “salary cap” and “choke”.  What The Puck added two of the highest consensus-rated players in the league over the offseason, to a team that already scored an average of 4.4 goals per game while allowing only 2.  However, What The Puck has a storied history of dominating the season and then losing in the playoffs. Playing against What The Puck is like paying taxes. You have to do it, and it’s going to hurt. Stretching this metaphor to its breaking point, a few teams last year even got a refund. This year, though, What The Puck stands undefeated. And this weekend’s game is not for the cup. That alone should instill fear in any knowing opponent.
Mega Touch, seen here playing Spin the Bottle at their cult leader’s compound, does not inspire the same degree of fear, but that does not mean they should be taken lightly. The name derives from those touch-screen game machines found at bars, featuring “Wild Apes” and “Erotic Photo Hunt”. Like those games, Mega Touch has, um…… um….
Ben’s Pick: Mega Touch. Oh, to hell with it. I can’t think of any realistic way for Touch to win this game, but I’m going to side with the underdog, my own reputation be damned (as if it isn’t already). That Mega Touch is the underdog here is indisputable– sorry, guys. Last year’s season opened with What The Puck beating Mega Touch (then Bad Touch) by 4 decisive goals, and What The Puck is stronger this season than last. But I watched too many of those Bad News Bears-type movies when I was growing up. My prediction? 4-3, an overtime come-from-behind against-all-odds victory for Mega Touch, with a last-minute desperation play where the ball caroms in off a pigeon or a wino or a Parks Department asphalt resurfacer, or something.

Cobra Kai (1-3) vs. Corlears Hookers (3-1)
Guest Columnist: Sal Malguarnera (What The Puck)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-0
Game Notes:
Kreese: What do we study here?
Karate Class: THE WAY OF THE FIST SIR.
Kreese: And what is that way?
Karate Class: STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.
Kreese: I can’t hear you.
Karate Class: STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.
Sal’s Pick: Cobra Kai. This quote from the Karate Kid says it all, I’m taking the underdog! The Corlears Hookers won’t be able to see Cobra Kai’s attack because of their camouflage uniforms. In addition PJ the goalie has purchased every piece of oversized goalie gear from Paragon Sports to fill the entire net, so leading goal scoring Jason Eitel will be shooting blanks; sorry ladies.

Sky Fighters (3-1) vs. Mexican Standoff (0-4)
Guest Columnist: Jesse Kalb (Mighty Squirrels)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 7-1
Game Notes: On the surface, this matchup appears to be a clash between two teams headed in opposite directions. Dig a little deeper, though, and you’ll find that’s its really two teams that have arrived at their respective destinations. Mexican Standoff came into the season full of new energy, big dreams, and cheap booze. They have stumbled badly, however, going 0-4 with a minus-15 goal differential. This does not appear to be the week they get on track. Worse yet, Peaches has threatened to wear skimpier hot pants every week until his team gets off the schneid. The Sky Fighters seem to have their championship-era mojo back and have to be included in any discussion of the elite BTSH teams this year. One might think they could suffer a letdown game against Standoff, but as some famous coach once said, “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.”
Jesse’s Pick: Sky Fighters

Mathematics (0-2-1-1) vs. Fresh Kills (2-2)
Guest Columnist: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala (Rehabs)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 2-1
Game Notes: Last week, the defending champs Fresh Kills went down as What The Puck avoided its first loss of the year. Fresh Kills is looking to bounce back, as champions often do, against a hungry and determined Mathematics team looking for its first win of the season after a tough loss to the Dark Rainbows. Who gets the bounces this week?
Alex’s Pick: Mathematics. They finally analyze and calculate that winning formula, getting all the bounces as Eli and Derek come out the night before to Tompkins and measure every nook and cranny of the court for an edge.

Dark Rainbows (3-1) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (2-2)
Guest Columnist: Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 5-0
Game Notes: In a classic Schloeder Division rivalry, the Rainbows and Anklebiters square off for crucial playoff positioning with only seven thousand games remaining in the regular season. The Rainbows definitely have some size, which is one of the most crucial components to BTSH success, right after attendance, jersey design, taking the shady end of the court, and passing, in that order. The Anklebiters’ tenacity shouldn’t be underestimated though; they almost beat us Sky Fighters last year when they only had seven people in attendance. Of course, having more than seven this Sunday might throw their game off, for all I know.
Dan’s Pick: Dark Rainbows

Happy Little Elves (1-3) vs. Mighty Squirrels (2-2)
Guest Columnist: Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg (Fresh Kills)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 0-0-1
Game Notes: The last time the Elves hunted for Squirrel (or Squirrels attacked Elves, if you prefer) the game ended in a 1-1 draw. In 2008, the Mighty Squirrels were the only team to avoid a loss through the first eight games of the season, but their fates would flip in the 2nd half of the season going 2-7 down the stretch to finish 11th. So far, the Mighty Squirrels are a not-terrible 2-2 this season, but have been shutout twice, indicating a need to develop reliable offense: the Squirrels need to find a way to bury more nuts, as it were. The Elves’ debut season last year was a rough one, as they won only 1 out of 17 games. They struggled mightily in the goal-getting department, finishing last in goals-for, averaging only 1.2 goals per game. After dropping their first three games this season with only four goals in three games, it looked like 2008 Part II. But they stunned the BTSH world with a decisive 3-0 shutout win over the consistently strong, high-scoring Unis last week.
Bob’s Pick: Tie Game. Last week, the Elves won 3-0, and the Squirrels lost 3-0. Given that and these teams’ history, I think that a tie game is not out of the question. This one will at least go to OT, and if it does, I predict shoot-out goals by Jerome (“M-M-M-M-M-My Jer-oma!”)-Elves and Arthur-Squirrels.

Rehabs (3-1) vs. Denim Demons (3-0-0-1)
Guest Columnists: Josh Sadlier-Brown & Jason Eitel (Corlears Hookers)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 6-5-1
Game Notes: What is a Denim Demon? Is it a song by curiously popular Norwegian death punk band, Turbonegro?  Or is it, to quote Rehabs captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, “a person wearing (preferably) mismatched denim, either pants/jacket or shorts/vest, or any combo of the above, right? Someone you see and think, where did they ever find anything so equally hideous and awe-inspiring?” She continues incendiarily, “These types make me want to burn down Wal-Marts across the nation.”  The war of words escalated when Denim Demons’ Adam Rubens publicly stated that while the Demons’ reputation as a “dislikable team” is fading with every original Demon player that retires, the Rehabs are currently shaped by the “players from The Warriors and Pork Fried Rice, both teams that were forced to disband from BTSH due to general douchebaggery [sic]”.
Expect the first of this season’s two meetings to be a spirited affair, as the Rehabs only trail the Demons by one point in the BTSH standings.
Josh’s Pick: Denim Demons. The second verse of “Denim Demon” says it all.
Jason’s Pick: Rehabs. I mean, if they can beat the Hookers…

Media Records:
Eli: 25-5
Derek: 20-10

Survivor Pool

Ara Arnn (CK) – Sky Fighters
Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli (REH) – LBS, Inc.
Phil Donohue (GA) – Sky Fighters
Rachel Greene (MSQ) – Fresh Kills
Abigail Meisterman (DD) – LBS, Inc.
Hector Melendez (REH) – LBS, Inc.
Sean Reynolds (DR) – Sky Fighters
Corey Winters (WTP) – Fresh Kills
Larry Zimmer (WTP) – Sky Fighters

Eliminated
Andy Pratt (MATH) – Week 1
Monica Russo (FG) – Week 1
Caroline Currie (FK) – Week 2
Enayet Rasul (CK) – Week 2
Rich Glanzer (HLE) – Week 3
Craig LaCombe (UNI) – Week 3
Adam Rubens (DD) – Week 3
Matt Spedalari (TUQ) – Week 3
James Stein (SKY) – Week 3
Alex Eben Meyer (MT) – Week 4
Josh Sadlier-Brown (CH) – Week 4