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Week 5 News and Notes

Shafiq Needs To Iron His Shirt

 

In an attempt to boost overall revenue for the league, new league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta has instituted an aggressive sales plan for BTSH merchandise.  Reports for the first few weeks of the season are now in, and there are already several interesting trends.  Here is a closer look at the top-sellers in both the apparel and non-apparel categories:

Apparel
Jerseys make up the bulk of all apparel sales, accounting for 80% of gross merchandise revenues.  La Famiglia has dominated this category with five of the top 10 selling jerseys, including the #1 seller, that of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry.  Also making the list for the former Tuques are the jerseys of The Peter Wilson at #4, Alfred Liu at #6, Andrea Grande-Capone at #7, and league sweetie Bill Monahan at #10.  The remaining top sellers come from Mega Touch’s Joe Lops at #2, Corlears Hooker Jason Eitel at #3, Happy Little Elf Jenna Cruff at #5, fan favorite Rebecca Antar Novick (Filthy Gorgeous) at #8, and league goon Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Butchers) at #9.  It should be noted, however, that Eitel’s position on this list is largely due to a bulk order from a “Mrs. Eitel” of West Springfield, MA. 

Retro jersey sales also make up a sizeable percentage of income for BTSH.  The top sellers in this category include the following models:

  1. Peter “Ski” Oblamski “Captain’s Edition”, 2006 Henry Motion
  2. “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser’s powder blue tank top, 2008 Fresh Kills
  3. Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi’s “+/- Autograph Edition”, 2007 Mathematics
  4. Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri “Championship Edition”, 2005 Pork Fried Rice
  5. Gina Hackett, 2003 Warriors

Non-Apparel
The league has only just started to sell non-clothing items, with the Dark Rainbows taking the lead in this category.  Their series of die-cast model automobiles has been well received by the buying public.  The complete set features the following:

  1. Libby Hartle-Tyrrell’s Pink Cadillac
  2. John Meyer’s Harley-Davidson Motorcycle
  3. P.T. Walkley’s P.T. Cruiser
  4. Sean Reynolds’ Honda Civic
  5. John Nielsen’s Ford F-150 Pick-up truck

Adriano Flexes His Muscle


There’s a new “Foot” in town.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Danny Polinsky
Team: Denim Demons
Suggested Nickname: The Tarheel
Rejected Nicknames: Daniel-San, The Legend Reviver, Bulldog, Sky (pronounced Ski)
Origin: Greensboro, NC
College: University of Georgia
Early Aspirations: To be the next Alexei Lalas
Current Aspirations: To be mentioned on the BTSH website as frequently as possible
First Job: It was at Drug Emporium, and it was very traumatic.
Current Job: Running the Mets website for Major League Baseball
Hero: R.J. Reynolds
Reason to Love Him: His life is a disturbingly close mirror of Ted Mosby of How I Met Your Mother.  And, who doesn’t love Ted Mosby?
Reason to Hate Him: By default, this makes Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens and Abby Meisterman his Marshall and Lily.  Thus, you’ll never be able to watch that show the same way ever again.
Fast Fact: Danny hosts a “Ladies’ Night”, where he, Abby and Lena Moy-Borgen (among other female friends) drink wine and watch Gossip Girl and True Blood.
Favorite Things: Baking, the Counting Crows, Dr. Von Dark’s Tunnel of Terror at Wet ‘n Wild Emerald Pointe, hedges
Favorite Gossip Girl Guest Star: Harmon Walsh
Least Favorite Things: The Georgia Institute of Technology, Rehabs, unleavened bread, hand balls
Best Known For: Losing a lot of weight through the Denim Demons’ mandatory rookie boot camp
Hockey Comparison: Patrick O’Sullivan
Non-Hockey Comparison: Jared from Subway
Down the Road: Danny goes to Red Lobster for some Cheddar Bay Biscuits.  However, he is side-tracked by an offer for unlimited refills on Diet Coke, which he takes as a personal challenge.

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