GAME OF THE WEEK
Tompkins Square Riots (2-1-0) at Butchers (2-1-0)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Two of the league’s newest franchises meet up in this week’s featured game. The Riots are the early surprise of the season. Amy Jones’new dictatorial management style has resulted in near perfect attendance from the Riots’ talented but often absent offensive threats and the results have paid significant dividends. The Riots are off to a 3-0 start and no team has really tested them so far. That will change this week as they go up against a Butchers squad that features near perfect attendance as well (due in large part to the brutal reprisals that Captain Rachel Greene doles out for anyone who misses a game. Randy Locklair is still recovering from what he calls “A Mossad Necktie”). Jones has claimed that Greene is a mentor and her personal hero. Will this be thee week that the student becomes the master?
Keys To The Game:
1. Riots superstar Patrick Blohme has vowed to drink a shot of aquavit for every save Henrik Lundquist makes on Saturday afternoon. If the Rangers continue their trademark “turtle” defense , expect a severely hungover winger on Sunday.
2. Ben Bloom’s haircut. It’s not only fashionable, the Butchers leading scorer also claims it’s aerodynamic. “I get an extra 5 miles an hour with this thing,” claims the Meatpackers version of Martin St. Louis. If Bloom can convince his teammates to follow his lead the Riots will have a hard time matching their speed
3. Can Riots defenseman Scott Townsend overcome his injury fears? Townsend has had bad luck the past year, dealing with concussions and shoulder injuries. But fear of further damaging his fragile frame led to him being manhandled by Megatouch’s female players two weeks ago. Can he get his confidence back/He’ll need too. If Georgine Paulin smells any blood in the water it will be a long day for the veteran blueliner.
Patrick’s Pick: I’m a Riots believer. The new look team can score in bunches and make life rough for Butchers goalie Eric Ramirez. Ultimately, that firepower is going to be just too much for the talented Butchers d-corps. Look for Riots to win this one 3-2.
Watchability: 4 Cleavers
Filthy Gorgeous at La Famiglia
Game Preview by Poutine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer or as he prefers …” Written Heroically by former Tuques reporter Rich Glanzer”
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: As expected, the Tuques are finding their niche in the top conference and a tough matchup like this will come around on a regular basis. Filthy has to be feeling great about themselves. They dominated the Happy Little Elves and should have won the game 12-1 instead of 4-1, but the backup goalie for the Elves proved worthy of his 2010 Elfie, for Elves best goalie. By this reporters count, they had approximately 46 shots on goal.
The The Tuques wont have too much open space against the tight Filthy team defense concept, and I expect a 3-1 victory for the boys and girls in blue.
Lbs. Inc at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: is this a hockey game or an ’80s summer movie? The Lbs. are good looking, privileged and sport a perfect record coming in to this one. Meanwhile Jenna’s band of lovable losers are still struggling to find their first win. What’s it going to take for this band of underdogs to defeat the mighty Lbs. machine? Getting goalie Shaun “Khabibulin” DeLacey to end his contract holdout would be a good start.(Newsflash Shaun. No matter how badly Bryz played in the Penguins series, you’re still not getting a call up). Also recruiting a scary punk rocker or a sexy foreign exchange student for your team could help. It always seemed to work for John Cusack.
GutRot at Poutine Machine
Game Preview by La Famiglia BeatReporter Bill Tucker
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Keys: Two teams on the rise, one in cholesterol from the fatty food stuffs of their moniker and the other in BAC, meet this Sunday in a Kazin conference tilt. Poutine Machine has been settling in nicely in their new Larsen Division home, thanks to solid team play and sound defense. While goals have been hard to come by for the Canadian Cheese Curds, putting four on the Sky Fighters proves the squad is starting to hit their offensive stride. On the other side of the court sits Gut Rot, a gaggle of malcontents that have played better than league pundits predicted in the preseason. With their rallying cry of, “19th Place Or Bust, Bitches” shaking the stools of Ace Bar, Gut Rot looks to continue making noise in the Glanzer Division. Look for a close contest featuring two hungry and well rested teams.*
*After a pair of strenuous Week 3 games for both Gut Rot and Poutine, sources say team captains Peaches and Patrick “The ORG” Larsen held a secret meeting in the back room of Parkside Lounge. Details are sketchy but sources claim a crystal ball, an Ouija board and three live chickens were smuggled into the bar. When questioned about this alleged meeting, Peaches mumbled something about “Rain Fears” and disappeared into the 2 AM mist. League disciplinarian Creamy considered launching an occult investigation but due to the prohibitive cost of PKE meters, decided against filing a formal charge.
Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills
by Fresh Kills beat correspondent Eli Kazin
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
Game Keys: While the season is still in its early stages, it is pretty clear that Fresh Kills is not suffering from any championship hangover. The defending champions did lose a championship game rematch with What The Puck in the first week of the season, but have responded with convincing wins against Filthy Gorgeous and the Dark Rainbows. The task in front of Fresh Kills this week is a little more daunting, though, as the team draws the Bratta Division leading Corlears Hookers. The Hookers are one of just three teams to start this season with wins in all three games, and goaltender Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson has been extremely consistent, allowing just one goal in each of the three wins. This divisional matchup should be low scoring, given the past history when these teams meet and the presence of two of the league’s top goalies in Olson and Fresh Kills’ Patrick Barch. Of course, should Olson accept Dustin Byfuglien’s offer to go boating on the lake this Sunday and should Barch spend too much time hanging out with teammate Nick Hobbs on Saturday night, then all bets are off.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Far more interesting than seeing all these alpha males battle for league superiority is the reffing debut of Filthy Gorgeous’ James Perriera. Fifty (almost) uninterrupted minutes of James running around in shorts and a plunging V neck? Bring some popcorn, ladies. This is the game for you.
SkyFighters at What the Puck
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: The SkyFighters are an enigma. They looked great in the first half of their last game against Poutine Machine, spring out to a four goal lead. But then they gave up four unanswered goals, resulting in an unlikely tie. They can’t expect to generate the same offense againt the ex-Rehabs who are coming off of an emotional loss to the current Rehabs. Now that Dan Hopper has stopped watching Penguins games he may remember what defense looks like and ask his team to play some. Meanwhile, Larry Zimmer is still fuming about the fact that the ORG didn’t use Mr. Met on our “rain fears/game cancellation” post last week. Expect him to channel this anger in to a standout performance against the Czech Nationals.
Mega Touch at Gouging Anklebiters
by ORG Reporter at Large Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: Who are the Anklebiters? Who are any of us, really? The GAB, a team that has looked virtually the same for the last 74 years, has gone through a massive overhaul this season–a shot in the arm to up ratings, if you will. Kind of like when That’s So Raven joined The Cosby Show (or when Poochie joined The Simpsons). Where I’m going with this is here: unlike The Cosby Show and The Simpsons, this overhaul has made them pretty formidable. The Mega Touch, starring Julie “The Girl Who Gets Her Salsa From New York City” Katz,* is going to have to really bring it if they don’t want to get auf’d. Both teams should come into this game refreshed and relieved, especially after they got to avoid two pretty major games last week.
Gremlins at Cobra Kai
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: Along with the Riots, the Gremlins have been one of the standout teams of the early BTSH season. Suffocating defence and an uncanny ability to score goals at just the right time have put them in a tie for the top of their division. Meanwhile, Ralph Macchio’s Nemeses can’t buy a bounce. Still, there’s too much talent in the dojo for them to remain winless for an extended period and the Gremlins may be getting a little cocky. Ultimately, the game may come down to whichever players are least affected by the nauseating combination of camouflage and lemon yellow that will dominate the court during this match. I think my parents had a couch with the same color scheme in the mid-70’s. That didn’t end well either.
Denim Demons at Dark Rainbows
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: Another potential game of the week, it’s the Demons vs. the ex-Demons. Both teams are still struggling to find their identities in this somewhat disjointed season. But traditionally, matchups between these two teams have been barnburners and this one should be no exception. Look for the goalies to be the big difference makers in this game. Coach has faced the Rainbows offence year in and year out, while Ariel is still getting a book on most of the leagues scorers. Will he continue to be a candidate for rookie of the year? Or will Coach’s experience win the day for the team in red?
Mathematics at Rehabs
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: By 5:30 pm on Sunday MDF and Kehoe should finally be recovered from Friday night. Bad news for the Rehabs as the Slam Sisters took their physical game to a whole new level two weeks ago (albeit most of that happened off the court). Seeing her beloved Bruins fall to the Caps will only have made Meredith more fuelled with rage, something that may be hard for the the gentle academics of the Mathematics to handle. Their only hope. The equally feisty Laura “McChrisNeal” McNeil. She’ll have to be in full on enforcer mode to protect teammate Andy Pratt who’s sure to be targeted by the Rehabs deadly duo.
Editor’s Note: In case anyone was wondering, the Rehabs do (still) suck.