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Week 4 Previews – Part 2

Mega Touch at Poutine Machine

Written by Hockeyfan2379

Poutine have come strong out of the gate, going 3-0 in their first 3 contests. This is largely due to Charlotte’s stellar coaching on the sidelines, and maybe a little bit due to the fact that they poached half of the Sky Fighters’ players. Wait, Poutine are 2-1? Who beat them? I really thought they were 3-0. This whole preview is ruined now. Let’s talk about Game of Thrones instead. 

Ok, ok, back to hockey.

Mega started slow, but pulled off an upset of the Gremlins last week, handing the folks in yellow their first loss of the season AFTER THEY HAD JUST BEATEN FRESH KILLS. This contest showed Poutine that Mega cannot be taken lightly. As such, Poutine have big plans to get Julie and co. really drunk at the Rose Tourney afterparty the night before (Register here: https://rosecharities.us/). Wait, do Poutine come to Rose? I feel like I’ve never seen them there. They go to their own bar every week away from the rest of the league, do they stage their own separate tournament every year during Rose? 

Mega, on the other hand, will be at Rose in full force, numbing their aching bodies at the afterparty with free shots of Jameson until the wee hours of the morning. Which, given their age bracket, is 9pm. (I know, I know, they’ve got some new young players. But do they even count??)

Something something, Jerome, something something. Ok, is this preview done yet?

It is. 

Prediction: It stays tighter than you might think, but the end result is what you expected. Poutine wins this one, 4-2, much to the dismay of the entire league. 
On the bright side, Christina Lee scores her first goal of the season.

Filthier at Gouging Anklebiters

By Tormund Giantsbane

In case you haven’t heard, Rose Charities Street Hockey Tournament, aka the Greatest Damn Day of the Year, is this Saturday, April 27th and the weather is forecasted to be fabulous!  You don’t want to miss this event.

Filthy knows all about this fantastic hockeying as they were the tournament Champs in 2016 and nearly closed down Fish Market in 2018.  (Easy on the shellfish this year, James.)  JJ’s usually in charge of hydrating teammates with booze in between games and you practically need a crowbar to pry Tim away from the goal.  Yes, it certainly is a great time and Danielle’s got her hands full managing this lot, because the following day they’ve got a showdown with a hungry Biters squad.

Sadly, Sir Probie will not be able to partake in the festivities because his body is failing him and to the point that some picked him in the GoT Death Pool.  Lady Diana and House Creamy have the support of many squires to watch their youngling while they get their games on.  And House Donahue could make another cameo appearance to ensure that everyone is drinking.  Rose is all for a great cause, but come Sunday afternoon the Biters can expect no charity from a desperate Filthier team.

Prediction: on Sunday both teams sweat out enough alcohol in the first half to poison a Giant and this one goes to OT with Coco scoring the GWG, 2-1.

Cobra Kai at Fuzz

By Arya Stark

A rematch of what appears to be the last ever PBR cup sees Cobra Kai take a road trip into Fuzz’s home arena looking to avenge Rich’s theft of their street hockey infinity stone last October.  Incredibly, the two teams have already suffered more combined regulation losses in three games this season than they did the entirety of last year.  Championship hangover, or something more sinister?  Fuzz lost Alyssa, Coach and Paul to retirement after last season but replaced them with Andrea and former commish turned NHL penalty box superstar Tim Brown, along with another girl whose name I forget because my autism isn’t on par with Rich’s.  Cobra Kai, meanwhile, was a popular pick to drop in the standings after Campbell’s move to Boston but I don’t know if anyone saw them dropping two out of three and in the bottom half of the standings at any point this year.  It’s early enough that the standings don’t really matter (if the Demons finish first while Fresh Kills and Filthier are play-in teams, I will literally eat my shoe), but both teams need to start putting it together lest this turns out to be like Fuzz’s utterly forgettable 2017 season.  Then again, the Fresh Kills have been known to win every three years; maybe Fuzz is going for a be good every other year thing?

Prediction: Fuzz savvily used Campbell’s eventual replacement in net last game so they are familiar with him, but though I didn’t get the inside info on what the rosters will look like Sunday, if Campbell’s in he’ll show the dojo what it has (and will) be missing. I didn’t get the inside scoop on rosters but Cobra Kai should be the more motivated team and it’ll show. 3-1 CK.

Sky Fighters at Gut Rot

Written by The Spaceman, The Starchild, The Demon, and The Catman

If Gilligan and Gut Rot survive The Nuclears’ record release show TONIGHT (get your tickets here: https://www.ticketweb.com/event/the-nuclears-monte-the-gotham-coney-island-baby-tickets/9334445 ) they’ll make it to this game Sunday. Will the Sky Fighters be in attendance at the show tonight?

In this random completely un-hockey-related scenario where these two teams attend The Nuclears show together the Sky Fighters are, in fact, in attendance.

Gilligan is there early, of course, wearing a suit and greeting everyone as they arrive. Unsurprisingly, Becca forgot her ticket. Mia is on the list (as always) with a plus 1, so she gets Becca in. Drunk Ramon shows up drunk, still celebrating his first-Gut-Rot-goal-of-the-season last week. Larry G. shows up still drunk from his 50th birthday (happy birthday man!), Heather and Ashley show up drunk with 40s of wine. (I am sensing a theme here.)

Stein breaks the theme, he shows up stone sober, but slides into a booth in the corner and proceeds to start drinking, alone, hovered over his whiskey and scowling at anyone who dares to walk anywhere near him. I’m not messing with that dude.

Diane rocks up in full Gut Rot gear, head to toe, essentially treating the night like a Taco Chulo Gut Rot party (it essentially is, but with live music, and somehow LESS drunkeness). Zach tries to explain to her that this night is about The Nuclears, and not just a Gut Rot bash. “Pssh, who are The Nuclears?? GUT ROT BITCHEZZZZZZZ” she screams as she throws her hands up in the air, spilling half of her pinot on Zach……..and the other half on the PA. Oops. With no PA system the show is basically ruined. The Nuclears haven’t even arrived yet, and Diane ruined the show.

Infanti steps toward the stage stating that he’ll do a solo acoustic show in an attempt to salvage the night, but he is booed off before he even makes it up onstage. These people want The Nuclears (well, except Diane, who doesn’t know who they are), they don’t want to see Infanti do Journey covers.

The rest of the Sky Fighters and Gut Rot have filed in by now, with murmurs of how the show has been ruined filling the otherwise silent bar.

Just then, Dudolevitch and The Nuclears show up, with a rickety old PA of their own. They make their way through the crowd, plug it in and start to play. The crowd just ERUPTS. Caroline and Liza are stagediving, Tommy is throwing his Sour Patch Kids up in the air over the crowd, everybody is jumping up and down and singing every word, Gilligan even loosens his tie a little.

The rest of the night is a big blur, but one thing is for damn sure – everyone had a fucking BLAST.

Prediction: Oh, right…hockey. The Sky Fighters get their first win of the season, 4-1 over Gut Rot. It doesn’t stop Stein from angrily drinking in the corner of Doc’s after the game. That dude is tough as nails.

Mathematics at Fresh Kills, a book report

By The Meatbox

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” Charles Dickens writes in the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities as he paints a picture of life in England and France. I personally have not read this book, I am but a humble meatbox who prefers cinematic adventures to the adventures of sounding out big words, but it sounded like a good intro to this preview. On one side of the court we have Math, experiencing their best of times: the days early in the season when everyone shows up to games, Cobra is slithering through defenders in overtime while netting game winners, and the wins are starting to come. On the other side is Fresh Kills who if they aren’t in their worst of times, they are rapidly entering them. We’ve seen a storm trooper with no control of his stick suit up for them, back to back games where they have been held off the scoreboard for the first time since who knows when (if ever), and a team seemingly in disarray when Ariel and Gabe are unable to show up.

One of the major themes of A Tale of Two Cities is the ever-present possibility of resurrection. (SPOILER ALERT) Apparently, some guy named Carton dies to save many other people. In the final pages, the implication is that he will be resurrected. Similarly, the text implies that the death of the old regime in France prepares the way for the beautiful and renewed Paris that this Carton guy had imagined. (SPOILER OVER). This theme of resurrection feels fitting for Fresh Kills. We saw last year that they rebounded to a top-10 finish after a slow start, it is entirely possible that this could happen again. I only hope they do not have to sacrifice a Carton to achieve this as I imagine that is a fairly unique name and hard to find someone with it.

One of the larger symbols in our novel is a broken wine cask from which peasants scramble to lap up (not unlike the crowds that swarm Frey’s bag of win). This scene evokes the violent measures that the peasants take in striving to satisfy their cravings. Similarly after last season’s disappointing ending, Math has entered this season a hungry mob. Led by Eli the goon taking up office in front of your goalie, this is a mob that is hungry for wins and will stop at nothing to achieve them (they won’t bark though, Sarah “no fun” Herr has outlawed that despite wearing a hat that literally says “woof” #mixedsignals).

Prediction: As a certain clairvoyant Meatbox wrote in the division preview, this is not a D2 team to take lightly. Their offense is clicking and they’ve always been solid defensively and in net. They’re even starting to get a bit cocky as evidence by this photo of el cobra the night before their last matchup. Meatbox predicts 4 truly’s and 2 ices for Jack and a 4-2 win for Math.

“BONUS MATH PROBLEM: what’s six times nine plus six plus nine”

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