Week 4 Previews – Part 1

Rehabs at Gut Rot
1:00 pm, West Court
by Monica “I Dreamed a Dream” Russo

Because I’m unwilling to scroll past the first page of the blog, I know only this: last week, both Gut Rot and the Rehabs lost But we never let the facts get in the way of, and the week before, Gut Rot lost but the Rehabs really fucking gave it to Cobra Kai, shutting them out 5-0. I’m annoyed about this, because I’m jealous. My team and I have yet to get a W, and a person can only take so much losing. But I digress. (Ed’s note: the Rehabs actually tied last week. But as a fellow 0-3 Captain we appreciate Monica’s sentiments)

Let’s talk about Sena for a minute. Yeah, she may have mistaken my husband for Rich Glanzer at the season opener party, but hilarity aside, this girl is amazing. She has had more than one multiple-goal games this year (again, unwilling to scroll), and Gut Rot will have to use every last one of their zillion players to shut Sena and the Rehabs down. Actually, what I think we should do is this: have Jamie and Bill play alone against Sena and…who is the Rehabs goalie, anyway? $h0*&t*&*@)? Romeo? Whoever it is. Sena and that guy vs. Jamie and Bill. That is what I want to see. Goodnight.

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
2:00 pm, East Court

Here’s something that’s always bothered us. Fresh Kills are named after a dump in Staten Island. And no one represents for “the Rock” (don’t get excited Eli-Derek-Rich, it’s not a wrestling reference) more than native son, Adriano Bratta. So why isn’t he playing for the blue and white? seriously, it’s like being French Canadian and not playing for Poutine Machine (whenever you’re ready Gabe). We’re sure the emotional strain of betraying his home borough will weigh heavily on the Chairman Emeritus this week. Which means Julie and Eric will have to find some secondary scoring. Will supplementing the Mike and Ikes Diet we previously mentioned with Sweet Tarts and Razzles have the desired effect? It’s a good thing MT newcomer Larry Black has promised to put the entire team on his dental plan. You’re a mensch, Larry.

Meanwhile, MT are also counting on Larry’s presence to confuse their opponents. With Ariel, Eugene and the Sokol brothers all mistaking this game for a 2BHL scrimmage expect a non-stop stream of stick-checking and slapshot calls to plague the Killers. The only player impervious to this deception will be Natasha. But if Larry can rattle her by telling her that Hugh has got in to Julie’s candy stash it’s all over for the favorites.

Tompkins Square Riots at Corlears Hookers
3:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Schooled in the Classics” Glanzer

OK…so this has all the makings of a pedestrian Hooker victory. But the thing about the Riots is, they are a pretty fun team to watch. They are BTSH’s version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Though this season, they’ve been all Hyde. I’m assuming Hyde is the bad one since he goes last and he’s not a Dr. like my main dude Jekyll is. Jekyll seems legit.

Anyways, with Blohme and Frenette and the best hockey name in BTSH, PhilippeTremblay and what seems to be a great name for a Siberian assassin, Fredrik Lund Hansen, I wouldn’t count on an easy victory for our Hooker friends.

But are the Hookers our friends? With Jason “I rooted for the Iron Shiek over Sgt. Slaughter and Hogan” Eitel defecting to Cuba … they no longer have the friendly face in the sea of Putka’s to look to. Outside of Noelle and sporadic appearances by Jackie and Anshu, Ace bar isn’t heavily populated by the Hookers. Where is Dustin, Al, Tiffany, Sarah, and Jesse? OK, Jesse is probably beating up some homeless dude with Ellery, but still, he could pop in to wash his bloody hands right?

The point is, the Hookers are going to win this game and yeah…its probably going to be pedestrian. 6-1.

PS: If you see Elly and Bill Tucker you should raise their hands and buy them a beer. Elly got the score exactly right in the Hookers/Poutine matchup and Bill predicted a Gremmies victory over the Anklebiters. I heard the Anklebiters lost bc Caroline played like a girl.

Denim Demons at La Famiglia
4:30 pm, East Court

So if you’re one of the three La Famiglia Captains, you’ve got a quandary this week. Do you wear your red shirts? Knowing full well that the Demons don’t have an alternate color jersey (and you have six)? Is that really the kind of tactic you want to employ against Satan’s Little Helpers?
Well, of course it is. It’s the Demons after all. But Haanwa is much nicer than the rest of us and will probably have the Fam sporting those blue octopus numbers that caused a stir in the fashion capitols of the world last year. Foolish, foolish, Haanwa.

While the Imaginary Italians looked good against the Filthys last week, it’s going to take everything they’ve got to beat a Demons squad that is starting the season with a bang. Even though they tied the Rehabs in their last game, the Levi Lovers are playing with a swagger that hasn’t been seen since the days when they regularly topped the league standings. Even with the Org painting a target on his back, Jeff Kamen is finding the back of the net every week. And if the Fam commits to shutting him down, there’s still Zack Tinkelman and Mike Periera to worry about. It’s clearly time for acclaimed biochemist Dr. Alfred Liu to share the PEDs that he’s been testing on Denis with the rest of the team. Because it’s going to take a team of super-soldiers to get past the Demons this week.

Sky Fighters at Cobra Kai
5:30 pm, East Court

The Camouflage Kids are one of several BTSH teams looking for their first win this week and their defense has been lit up the last couple of games. Things don’t get any easier this week as they face a Sky Fighters squad that has solved their attendance problems and is playing really solid hockey. Our solution? Petition league commissioner to turn this game in to a showcase for “Bootcamp Hockey”. I’m talking barbed wire around the nets, a mud pit in center court and, yes, live ammo. league veterans may think that this sounds like the first season at Corlears Hook but really it could be our version of the now popular “Spartan” runs that are sweeping the nation (and Ant Ventolieri’s Facebook page). I’m assuming that Cobra Kai have all sorts of military training that will give them an advantage here, right? What’s that Gregg? it’s just a fashion choice?

Never mind.

Uh, maybe put an extra guy on Olivier Brassard instead?

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