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Mexican Standoff Finally Lets Loose
As a dry practice run for the upcoming courtside party on June 1 (which Jefferson Hendricks is really working hard on), Mexican Standoff threw an open Cinco De Mayo Party on Sunday.  Festivities included a “Mustache vs. Non-Mustache” intra-team scrimmage, a chips and salsa station, and a piñata.  The action climaxed when Mexican Standoff finally broke open the piñata, splattering candy across the court.  However, Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell materialized in the nick of time to save the candy from reaching any playing areas.  Although the party was a smashing success, there was one casualty: Hendricks’s sneaker.  With one half of his playing footwear dangling precariously from a tree, he was forced to play his game with one sneaker and one boot.  Since Hendricks scored a goal, maybe he should consider playing this way more often.

He’s Also the Fastest Leaf Blower in the West
2007 Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award winner Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer once again demonstrated why the media bestowed upon him such a great honor.  Coop arrived thirty minutes before the start of the 3:00 games to ensure that the court surface was pristine.  Sporting a Philadelphia Flyers jersey, Coop spent a good twenty minutes blowing tree residue off of the Corlears blacktop.  Some say between the jersey and leaf blower, Coop eerily resembled Ron Hextall.

Still More From $howT!m3
“The green light in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby represents Gatsby’s hopes and dreams for the future.  However, much as Gatsby associates the light with Daisy, and because Gatsby’s quest for Daisy is broadly associated with the American dream, the green light also symbolizes this more generalized ideal.  In fact, in Chapter IX, Nick even compares the green light to how America, rising out of the ocean, must have looked to early settlers of the new nation.  It is in this regard that The Great Gatsby can be viewed as a highly symbolic commentary on 1920s America as a whole, in particular the disintegration of the American dream in an era of unprecedented prosperity and material excess.” — Hector “$howT!m3” Melendez, regarding the Rehabs victory against Fresh Kills

Tomfoolery
Filthy Gorgeous has a new cheer.  It goes like this…”1…2…3…Let’s do this bitch!”  Yes, it’s that slow of a news week.

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: Mark Anderson had six “near goals” due to a ferocious running effort.
Corlears Hookers: Peter “Purple Rain” Putka sacrificed his body for the team, and his absence in the second half was a difference maker.
Dark Rainbows: Rory Tischler played well in his first game.
Denim Demons: Gabby Carson delayed taking her sister to the airport so she could participate in the shootout.
Filthy Gorgeous: Becky Antar showcased tremendous defensive prowess, and Dan Owens came directly from the five borough bike race.
Gouging Anklebiters: According to Phil “Sandy” Donohue, “‘Old School’ Mike Ross shut bitches down like the Great Wall of China”.  He was also rumored to have kept the Mongols from annexing goalie “Quiet” Mike O’Connor.
Happy Little Elves: Alyssa Schwartz designed a “kick-ass” logo for their new uniforms.
Mathematics: Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi managed to keep his shirt on for almost the entire game.
Mexican Standoff: Len Guinto celebrated his birthday with a shootout goal.
Mighty Squirrels: Jason “Cheek” Cheek and Tim “(S)crappy” Gray got engaged (not to each other).
Rehabs: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala.  “Kid’s an animal.” — Bryan “Stork” Welch
Sky Fighters: Chris Shumaker sweat the most, which thoroughly impressed Amy Lott.
Tuques: Alfred Liu was suggested by the media and confirmed by Dave as instrumental in setting up goals.
What The Puck: Quoth the Mad Dog: “Darrell [“Accurate Bob” Hartman] went the distance for sure…played awesome!”  For those unaware, Mad Dog has been attending the $howT!m3 School of Quote-Making.