Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
By RG1 and Dana OG
Cobra Kai is back and they are chasing the perfect wave. I mean game. Or wait, do I mean wave? Will brought new players to the team – hereby known as Point Break 1 and Point Break 2 – and they mean business. Or at least their hair does. You can’t keep these guys from the net, they’ve got nothing to lose. Cobra’s biggest problem right now is that their Johnny Utah (wait, can we all just take a moment to think about the fact that a movie asked us to believe for 90 minutes that an undercover cop’s name was Johnny fucking Utah?) is undercover on the wrong team. You know him as James P and JAMES YOU ARE UNDERCOVER ON THE WRONG TEAM! Gary Busey (aka Will) just can’t control James – he’s a loose cannon and he’s going to get himself killed! Wait, no, he’s just going to score another goal. For a totally different team. But you can’t be mad, cause it’s JAMES and he’s so nice.
Olivier is walking around telling everyone that he looks EXACTLY like the star of the French Canadian version of Point Break but everyone keeps telling him that is not a thing.
Instead of bringing on new young surfer guys to improve their team, the Hookers have gone the opposite route and brought on some old bald guys. They’ve gone back to square one, bringing back the tried and true. I’m not sure if there is a good movie comparison here, maybe Grumpy Old Men? Golden Girls? Say what you will about these octogenarians, but when Jock or Sal wind up (only to the knee tho), it’ll send the most grizzled defenseman running for cover (sorry, Max – you had pads on). I’m not sure – maybe Dani is the real Johnny Utah here, she was last seen infiltrating Bullmoose’s playoff pool and drinking all of Dusty’s free tequila.
Prediction: Point Break by 1 – how can they lose?
Mathematics at Butchers
Written by Ms. Lippy
Hello Mother, Hello Father,
I am having a great time at camp. My intramural hockey team lost our first 2 games, but it’s ok because the All-Camp Rose Tourney Talent Show & Fundraiser is coming up on April 27th. (Register here: https://rosecharities.us/)
We went canoeing today, but Creamy fell out of the canoe. Brady and the new guy Jake just sat there laughing at him. I didn’t think that was very nice. Georgine and Dana helped him back into the canoe, they’re the nicest people here at camp. Unfortunately, Perras and Dave pushed him right back in.
There are these two sisters, Cheeky and Sarah. No one can ever tell them apart. The counselors started making Sarah wear gray (or orange) and Cheeky wear maroon. I know which one is which, though, even without their different colored shirts. I always remember because Cheeky is the one who went to the Sadie Hawkins dance with Richie Glanzier.
My bestie Sam had to leave camp early. His mom was worried about measles and shipped him off to Cleveland. I hear Cleveland makes everyone get vaccinated. I’m sad he moved away though – we used to play tetherball together during siesta. (Siesta is a thing that happens at camp, right?)
Also, Becky and James decided to take this year off from camp. It might just be rumors but Amy said she saw Becky and James canoodling behind the canoe shed after the Sadie Hawkins.
The whole place isn’t the same without those three. My friend Zach is even more heartbroken than I am about it.
(Editor’s note: Also, did they take Tim Burke with them? I haven’t seen that guy in a minute.)
They started a weightlifting class here at camp, but Eli is the only person who attends.
The camp bathrooms are really gross – thanks for the care package of shower sandals and Lysol wipes. However, they ended up being used for cleaning up counselor Kirkham’s PBR and vomit.
Ok, I have to go now, it’s almost time for archery class. My new friend Jon M. is teaching me, that guy is a real sniper.
Ps – I scored a goal last game and did my patented jumping up and down.
(Editor’s note: Sadly, no one got this on film.)
Prediction: Rachel may have assembled the winniest trivia team in bar trivia history, but her intramural hockey team can’t win this one. Math prevails, 4-2.
AND LIVE, FROM TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK, it’s…
CHEERS TO YET ANOTHER SUMMER – HAPPY CAMPING, Y’ALL!
Gremlins at Mega Touch
By Mr. Rogers
Gremlins have posted solid week 1 and week 2 wins and have shown the wrath of the Division 3 teams, which have found themselves among the top of the league standings at year end.
Gremlins have always been a strong team, collecting wins and showing their strength across the court. In week 1, they faced Karma, winning 1-0. The score attests that this game was well fought on both sides. Gremlins got the win with Rockoff’s goal and leaving the rest to defense and Jamie to hold the net. I cannot neglect to mention Gremlin’s shootout win against Fresh Kills in week 2, which shows they are ready to play across divisions.
Mega, has not opened the season as strong as their week 3 adversary, but that is no reason to take them lightly. They are smart, seasoned players who also know how to suffocate and capitalize on the opportunities their opponents give them. In week 1 they finished with a tie, unfortunately losing in an OT shootout.
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood and Gremlins are here to stay.
Prediction says the weather will be 65 and sunny. Oh and that Gremlins will take Mega 3-1
Instant Karma at What The Puck
These divisional rivals will likely ramp up their game a notch knowing that the points are up for grabs. Karma’s start to the season hasn’t been stellar having already marked two losses; conversely, Pucks are showing some promise in their game after having toppled the league champions of 2018. But maybe both teams believe that this match will be a barnburner, goals flowing like Dom Perignon in #richkidsofinstagram stories.
The hosts have replaced Cali-bound Scotty after successfully poaching Gut Rot’s Ed to join the Oranje. They’ve kept their core players and even signed one that looks like Mike D. but has shorter hair (I haven’t a clue what his name is, but he might have scored a goal against Poutine in W1). The veiled threat in winning the Michaliga Division is now a legitimate one after the three-goal blitzkrieg in the first period—and holding it for victory—against Fuzz.
The visitors are the only team in the league so far to have incurred a streak of two losses. Setting up shop against a team likely still euphoric after last week is a tall glass of water (even taller than Ben, who’s 2m tall!), and is exacerbated when one of your star female defenseman has shipped up to the northeast—emphasis on north. Who will fill that gap? Can Corey, Derek, and Matt find some inspiration?
Prediction: This may as well be the irl game of FIFA (I know we’re playing hockey, don’t hate on me), dominated by offense and having little to no defense whatsoever. It will be a barnburner of zero tactics, high press/forecheck, and peppering shots from any angle… Pucks will emerge by the skin of their teeth, 4-3.
Tompkins Square Riots at Gut Rot
2019. What a time to be alive. We have rap songs masquerading as country music, a certain Pharaoh dethroning the reigning Feminist of the Year, and sideline discussions about changing the attitude around butt stuff #bebuttpositive. What. A. Time. To. Be. Alive.
And yet, it gets better. Oh baby, does it get better.
This week we have Gut Rot vs The Riots, henceforth known as The Progressive Bowl. You want to see some progress this weekend? Oh baby, we’ve got it. Not only is Gut Rot starting a hip new trend, #dadsweekend (shoutout to Akhil’s dad suiting up this Sunday), but they’re going to be rocking a lady in net. Can I get an “oh baby” from the people in the back?
On the other side, we’ve got Suz, ever the slider, with some big plans up her sleeves for the year. I won’t spoil them, but keep your eyes on this team, they are #progressiveasaf. That’s right, I used the redundant “as af”, that’s how progressive this squad is.
[insert seamless transition to talking about hockey here] Gut Rot swept the season series in this rivalry last year and they have won 4 straight overall. The last win for the Riots over Gut Rot I could find in btsh hockeydb happened in week 3, 2016. Needless to say, this fan base is starving for a victory over their division rival and when the Riots finally climb over the mountain of booze that is Gut Rot, I expect them to live up to their name and burn some couches #stayclassyMichiganState.
Prediction: Suz, Kevin, and David bring the heat in an attempt to ruin #dadsweekend while Akhil and the only Scotty K not currently on IR attempt to fend them off. Becca continues her new thing this year of playing half naked because “it’s nice out bro” while firing slap shots off from center (or is she the goalie??? Wouldn’t that be a plot twist? Eh, she’d probably do that half naked, too.). At the end of the day, Dave Gil de Rubio stands on his head, leading the Riots to their first victory of the year and their first victory over Gut Rot in two years. 2-0 Riots and a victory for progress!