Filthier at Fuzz
By A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master
So, we got to thinking this week…what would happen to these two teams in a post-apocalyptic world? If civilization collapsed, modern technology ceased to exist, and food and water became extremely scarce, we ask you…WWFAFD? (What would Fuzz and Filthier do?)
Well, we have some predictions, which (surprise!) have nothing to do with hockey…
- In a pathetic grab at power, Glanzer would quickly attempt to crown himself King of this new society…but, the King and Queen would clearly be James and Ann. Let’s be real.
- Sig, in pre-apocalyptic world is a teacher, so in a post-apocalyptic world, naturally he would set up a school and teach everyone the Earth’s tattered history.
- Walsh would STILL be sitting at his desk, attempting to work. (Come out foraging with us Walshy, quarterly earnings aren’t a thing anymore.)
- Sunny blankly stares at a non-functioning rusted out old TV, still waiting for a Leafs game that will never happen.
- Kate would be the REAL leader. James and Ann are just figureheads.
- Ryann would obviously be the most instrumental to the survival of the group. Spoiler alert: You all die of thirst, starvation, or worse, without Ryann. (We see you, girl.)
- Alexa still keeps all the ref assignments in her Rainbow Brite Trapper Keeper, hoping to one day rebuild BTSH. (Do you get THIS reference, Alexa??)
- Coach doesn’t see how this is any more dangerous than a Sunday matinee at CBGB in 1987.
- Tim K doesn’t even realize the apocalypse has happened because he is still looking for parking at Moffo.
- Amongst the rubble, Jeff comes upon the illustrious PBR Cup. But he won’t touch it…
- JJ and Jean attempt to start a Lucy van Pelt-style “Psychiatric Help” roadside stand. Sarah T. shows them how it’s done, starting one of her own and putting them out of business in one week.
- Where are Suvin and Dennis??
(Hockey) Prediction: James didn’t score last week, so he’ll be hungry. In the tightest contest of the week, this one goes to OT…with Danielle netting the game winner. 4-3, Filthier.
LBS, Inc. at Fresh Kills
After losing just one game last year (no, Fresh Kills didn’t go undefeated…shootout losses count) FK is on a mission this year. That mission is to play down to their competition and lose at least 3-4 games during the regular season, and hopefully one or two during the playoffs. (I don’t want them winning the Inaugural Schlitz Cup either!)
Meanwhile after a great first half against Math in game 1, the Lbs. haven’t shown their true potential.
If everyone shows for both teams, the Lbs. have the edge in guys (slightly) but Fresh Kills have more talented wom….I mean Rachel K. and Elizabeth are the two best girls in the league.
Prediction: At the TSP bathroom Dave S. told me proudly, “We have a championship hangover for sure.” Yes, to get the scoop I am willing to go into the disgusting TSP bathroom for you people!
So with that scoop I will predict there will be no Barch Pile. Eugene, Nick S., and Roxy will hang their head in shame, as they only win 4-2.
Poutine Machine at Cobra Kai
I am sorely underqualified to write this preview because of the two greatest shames of my life – that I have not seen Karate Kid and that I will not eat cheese curds – but I like to namedrop my prom date Christina ‘League Sweetheart’ Lee at every opportunity, so, here we are.
Despite lack of credentials, here’s my #hottake: this is gonna be a good one.
Coba Kai and Poutine both enter the ring with two wins each. They are each riding the high of soundly defeating D1 teams this past Sunday. They are leading their division and this will be the deciding game for dominance.
So then what are the difference makers? Will Jerome get back from Japan in time? Will Will G. post a kind and thoughtful compliment on the Facebook group again? Will I watch the Cobra Kai web series in spite of never seeing the original film it satirizes?
Prediction: CK, but not for lack of hustle on Poo’s part, 3-2.
Denim Demons at Instant Karma
By Chica Malcriada
In the land of the plus or minus 1 spread, its anyone’s freakin guess. On one hand, the Demons are due a win this week after losing two in a row while in an alternate universe Karma has won their first two. If the Rosen brothers show up, Karma may have a run for its money, but not if Set It Off veterans, Bill and Al have anything to say about it. This one could get interesting.
Prediction: Karma exorcise the Demons and hangs on for revenge, 3-2.
O RAINBOWS! O RIOTS! (Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots)
By Walt Whitless
O Rainbows! my Rainbows! your tearful trip is nigh,
Your keeper flubs too many shots, while theirs lets little by,
The port is near, whistles I hear, the referees pre-drunked,
While noses strain to beerful burps and goalie gear befunked;
But heart! And bile!
The chance is slim to tie it,
‘Cause bottom’s where the Rainbows dwell;
O Riots! my Riots! rise up and churn the chowder;
Rise up—for you the win is near—for you the choicest flounders,
For you, the bluest ribbon’d Pabst! For you the hawk brings rats,
It’s you for whom the triumph looms, for whom the Scatman scats;
Here Riots! Dear Riots!
Aloft in rank sixteen!
Soon to stomp on Rainbow hearts
The ‘Bows shall stumble Sunday, but all is not for nil,
The day shall come when they tumesce! And rise I know they will,
From murky depths of ocean silt there is to go but up
And someday, dare I venture, they shall hoist again the Cup;
The little people will feel big,
And drunks will have a fun day,
And leprechauns will dance the jig,
Prediction: Riots 5, Rainbows 2.