Week 3 Previews – Part 1

Mathematics at Cobra Kai
1:00 pm, West Court
by Abby “Not Injured Just Resting” Meistermann

Maybe it’s because former-co-captain Meredith Sladek has taken this year off or maybe it’s because Mark Talerico (or however you spell it) has been working Sundays, but the start of the season has not been kind to Cobra Kai. Sure, Rem “Orange Crush” Garavito Bruhn is off the IR and Becky Pear has been a sterling example to The Dojo’s new blood, but they just can’t seem to get that pesky ball in the net. Mathematics in contrast have won their last two games, resulting in 10 goals — only 20% of which have been scored by a Norris and none yet by Eli! Fatherhood has not softened USPS Poster Boy Andy Pratt’s shot or Justin Perras’ defense, either. If more than three subs show up for Cobra Kai, they have the talent to shut down Math. (I saw Jerry Chavez hanging out at Westside Skate & Stick a couple of days ago soliciting players so it could happen. Granted, these players may not meet the age requirement of the league. He also didn’t mention hockey… Hmm.) Otherwise, this game could signify the start of a Math winning streak.

Things to expect: CK goalie Pete Lang to scream obscenities.

Things to hope for: A Norris version of the Brady Bunch titles. I leave you to make assumptions as to who is playing “Alice.”

Poutine Machine at Corlears Hookers
2:00 pm, West Court
by Eli “I Like Wrestling” Kazin

Poutine Machine and the Corlears Hookers. The mere mention of just one of these teams generally elicits a strong negative reaction from the BTSH Universe, so putting both in the same sentence should send the fans over the edge into a cacophony of boos and catcalls. Yes, these teams are two of the biggest heels in all of BTSH. Don’t worry, Denim Demons, we haven’t forgotten about you, either…you’re on the list, too! However, no two heels are created alike, and that is clearly on display here.

The Corlears Hookers have accepted their role as heels, and play the villain card perfectly. Each week, it seems that they only have a few players on hand until just before the game starts. This lets their opponent build up a false sense of confidence, until the rest of their players show up right before the opening whistle and destroy the opponent’s spirit.

Poutine Machine, on the other hand, doesn’t fully grasp their heel status yet. They play with a rugged, overly physical, 1970s ice hockey style of play that is universally despised across the league. They (with the exception of goaltender Tim “Virgil” Brown) also won the Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award for Agitation and Instigation at last year’s awards show. Captain Sven Patrick Larsen, in an open reference to Don Koharski, did present the refs with a box of donuts upon winning this award, so at least there is a chance that Poutine Machine is beginning to accept their roles as heels. Until they fully do, though, go with the heels who know how to play the game…Corlears Hookers 4, Poutine Machine 1.

Gouging Anklebiters at Gremlins
3:00 pm, East Court
by Bill “Stop Calling Me Smooth” Tucker

On the surface, Biters / Gremlins looks to be a touch lopsided. The Blue and Gold have won their first two games in convincing fashion against quality opponents. Balanced offense, stingy defense and stellar goaltending from Craig “Terrifying Old School Goalie Mask” Lacombe have led to their early success. But don’t count out the Gremlins. The Angry AMC’s are looking to avenge a brutal 6-0 drubbing at the hands of Fresh Kills in Week 2. Defense and goaltending has always been the team’s strength but they’ve only scored one goal thus far this season. To increase his squad’s offensive pop, team captain Ryan Mills has instituted the following conditioning plan: no water breaks for Jamie, all forwards are to wear SPF 150 sunblock and absolutely no snacks after midnight. Expect a gutsy performance against Donahue’s Dominators.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: Another reference to the 1984 horror/comedy classic, Bill? Such hackery would not stand at Rolling Stone magazine and it won’t stand here. Why not reference the charming Roald Dahl book or the Marvel comic book villain. Think, Tucker. Think. As for the contest, I see the Gremlins having a bounce back game. 2-1 in favor of the Gregarious Gizmo’s.

Filthy Gorgeous at La Famiglia
4:30 pm, West Court
by Patrick “Running Out of Things to Write and It’s Only Week 3” Larsen

You know, it’s times like this that I regret never having seen Zoolander. Why? Because these are two of the best-looking teams in the league. And I know that for Denis Miceletto and James Periera, “face-off” may mean something different this week.

Why didn’t I pay more attention when Monica was watching America’s Next Top Model?

However, I have seen Project Runway and that may be the more appropriate metaphor here. For these two teams it’s clear that in street hockey (as in fashion), one week you’re in and the next week you’re out. Both teams are a little bit desperate. Filthy are looking for their first win of the season and don’t want to be in the bottom three again. Meanwhile, La Famiglia have gone from an early favorite to what Nina Garcia would describe as “a complete disaster” losing to the Rainbows 2-0 (it wasn’t really that bad but Nina Garcia has never had a non-dramatic moment in her life). It’s a “make it work” moment for both sides.

Luckily for Filthy, team Captain Monica has seen at least seven cycles of ANTM and she knows how to get her team to “smile with their eyes”. Meanwhile, La Famiglia will struggle without secret weapon Angela Vicari. Can Dr. Alfred Liu and crew return to the Christian Siriano-like form they displayed in week 1? Or will they be sent to the workroom to clean up their stuff?

I predict a hug from Tim Gunn for the Puglian Puckmasters. Filthy Gorgeous 3 – La Famiglia 2

Rehabs at Denim Demons
5:30 pm, West Court
by Rich “Mr. Nostalgia” Glanzer

Remember when the Rehabs vs. Demons was a thing? It sorta reminds me of Rangers/Islanders, Yankees/Red Sox and Cena vs. Miz. It was nice while it lasted, but its just another game now.

So before we get to this year, lets look back to 2009, in what was perhaps, the best regular season (in the non-Elves category) game ever in BTSH history.

The two sides despised each other. Romeo was demanding a recount for the 2008 democratic convention where Hilary lost so $h0wt!m3 had to play net. He was tired bc he posted a shutout in the game prior. I forgot what game that was. Oh no I don’t, it was the Elves beating the defending champ Fresh Kills 3-0. Anyways I digress.

The game is a great one. The Rehabs for some unknown reason have two goals taken away from them so its 0-0 with around 4 minutes left. Finally the Rehabs score and the refs actually allow it to count and then they score again. Its a feel great moment for the men/women in black. But then they just play horrific defense in the last two minutes and the Demons tie the score. Which brings us to this epic and historical http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoKEzvYKc5c Micael Holmstrom’s “controversial” shootout goal. Its only controversial bc some Rehabbers whined as they are oft to do in shootouts, as Adriano can attest to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqlDZOYUFzE And though this has nothing to do with anything, lets take a look at 2010 when the Rehabs also got eliminated in a shootout. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B22LLdsQOBg

Man…you guys really should try to win in regulation or overtime at this point(you’re lucky there is no video of Jerome beating you last year in a shootout).

Anyways, a few weeks later some online publication wrote a story on BTSH and Kami wrote, “Demons suck” in the comments section, which led to a verbal tongue lashing from Bob. But Kami has moved to Filthy, MDF has moved to Siberia, Rob B. is robbing houses in Kenya and Kehoe has moved to a far more lonelier place called Pittsburgh, where batters never hit, and hockey players get fuzzy.

The Demons are certainly not the same team either as Abby and her fellow starlight’s went to the pink of the Dark Rainbows.

So what do I expect this week? More of the same as Kamen, Rubens, Jenn Glanzer, and Coach break the hearts of the Rehabs again, this time 4-1.

← Back to Media