The Media Is Always Watching You

GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (1-0-0-1) at Unicorns (2-0)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: Both the Happy Little Elves and the Unicorns teams enter this critical Fairy Tale Cup contest coming off of impressive wins.  Last Sunday, the Elves stunned the Corlears Hookers 7-4 to open their five-game road trip.  “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick led his team by example with two second-half goals, while Rich Glanzer made the smart coaching decision not to play himself for the second straight week.  Meanwhile, the Unicorns knocked off the defending champion Sky Fighters in a hard-fought 4-3 victory.  After shutting out the Dark Rainbows on opening day, goaltender Craig “Ug” LaCombe played spectacularly once again and fended off a barrage of shots (mostly from Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka) to preserve the win.  With both the Elves and Unicorns looking sharp early on, this game will not only be key in deciding the Fairy Tale Cup, but also the Hackett Division.
Keys To The Game:
1. The Elves have had a propensity for late game heroics this season, as a last minute goal by Garrett “Ax” Carrino salvaged a point against the Rehabs, and five second half goals (including the two by Chadwick) flipped a 3-2 deficit into the win against the Hookers.
2. Unicorns free agent acquisition Joe has scored a goal in each of his team’s first two games.  He is stepping in well to fill the shoes of key losses Nelson and “Biff” (Ted).
3. The Elves defeated the Unicorns last season, prompting Rich Glanzer and “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick to believe that they had won the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.  However, the win actually forced a three-way tie in the series, ironically allowing the Unicorns to maintain possession.  Glanzer still does not understand this concept.
Eli’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  Sorry, Rich.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  I’ve heard rumors that Chris “Crush” O’Neil will be back for this week, making the Elves even more dangerous.
Watchability: 4 Clavicles

Mathematics (0-1-0-1) at Gut Rot (1-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Gut Rot notched a huge win last week against the new-look Fresh Kills and will look to build on that result in the team’s home opener against the Mathematics.
Watchability: 2 Clavicles.  Despite Gut Rot’s win last week, both teams are still shaking off some offseason rust.

Mega Touch (1-1) at Gouging Anklebiters (1-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mega Touch leads 6-5-1
Game Notes: After being held scoreless for the first 85 minutes of the season, the Gouging Anklebiters tallied a second half goal against the Butchers last Sunday and went on to win in a shootout.  Mega Touch’s star player and former captain Eric Devlin is questionable for this game with a lower body injury.
Eli’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters
Derek’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters.  A hobbled Devlin does not bode well for the Touch.
Watchability: 2.5 Clavicles

Filthy Gorgeous (1-1) at Butchers (0-1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Butchers have devised a strategy to neutralize Filthy Gorgeous’ star defender Matthew Novick.  They will triple-team Novick’s teammate Joe “Monster Mash” Essock, as it was recently revealed in an online profile that he is Novick’s favorite player on the team.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  Novick will just pass to “Gentleman” James Pereira instead.
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous
Watchability: 3 Clavicles

Cobra Kai (2-0) at Poutine Machine (1-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Although Cobra Kai forward Will Kuhns did not wear his lucky pink hat last week, he still scored two goals while wearing a generic white baseball cap.  Kuhns has now pledged to wear a different hat each week until Cobra Kai loses.  In response, Poutine Machine octogenarian Tim “(S)crappy” Gray is going in the other direction and has pledged not to change his underwear for the rest of the season.
Eli’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  Kuhns will look very intimidating should he wear a Pickelhaube.
Derek’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  Cobra Kai hall of famer and near namesake Stefanie Volanto got engaged this week, so they’ll win it for her.
Watchability: 2.5 Clavicles

Tompkins Square Riots (2-0) at Dark Rainbows (0-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Has anyone told the Dark Rainbows that these games count in the standings?
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows. Now, someone has.
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows
Watchability: 2.5 Clavicles

LBS, Inc. (0-2) at Denim Demons (2-0)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-1-1
Game Notes: After a brutal opening two weeks against the Corlears Hookers and Filthy Gorgeous, the road gets no easier for LBS, Inc.  The Corporation next faces Rubens Division foe the Denim Demons, who have looked impressive with wins against Filthy Gorgeous and La Famiglia.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  The Demons always seem to bring out the best in the Corporation.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.  They’ve looked great so far, so I see no reason to go against them now.
Watchability: 4 Clavicles

La Famiglia (0-2) at Fresh Kills (1-0-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 11-1
Game Notes: Lost in the excitement and fanfare of Dave Ladanyi’s new team name initiative is the startling fact that La Famiglia has lost its first two games.  However, Ladanyi remains undeterred, as Shafiq “Off Black” Perry’s red La Famiglia jersey is now the top seller in all of BTSH, even surpassing that of the Dark Rainbows’ John Nielsen.
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia.  Denis Miciletto is due for a breakout game.
Watchability: 3.5 Clavicles.  Perry’s burgeoning popularity should ensure a big crowd.

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Corlears Hookers (1-1) at What The Puck (2-0)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 2-2
Game Notes: Much like Adriano’s prized collection of Judge Reinhold DVDs, this game has something for everyone. You’ve got two perennial powerhouses looking to take control of the season (Beverly Hills Cop I, II, and III), contrasting orange vs. purple jerseys that make it easy for spectators to tell them apart (Stripes), and lastly, a cameo appearance by a topless Phoebe Cates (Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

Okay, so I made that last one up. Still, it looks to be a great game. WTP has made street hockey look easy so far, cruising to two quality wins to open the season, including one over the Sky Fighters, where they exacted (a little) revenge for last year’s finals defeat. Another W this week would solidify their status as the 2010 team to beat. The ’09 semifinalist Hookers come off a tough loss last week: a surprising and likely survivor pool-busting upset at the hands of the Happy Little Elves. Is it possible that the Hookers left some of their mojo at Corlears Hook Park? That the move to Tompkins has sapped the strength from their loins? Impossible to know, but I will say that WTP are the ones with all the babies in strollers at courtside.

On paper this one is all WTP, and the betting public will be all over them. The sharp money, however, says that when the horn sounds at the end, Adriano will be the one sitting on the crapper in his Long John Silvers outfit, screaming “Doesn’t anybody f@#&-ing knock?!?”
Vegas Line: What the Puck by 2.5
Jesse the Greek says: Take the Hookers and the points
Watchability: 5 Spicolis

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Sky Fighters (0-2) at Rehabs (2-0)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 5-3
Game Notes: Mike Tyson is credited as once saying, “Everyone has a plan until the first time they get punched in the mouth.” Well, the defending champs are 0-2 and bleeding from the lip. Can they recover?  The $howT!m3-less Rehabs are feeling frisky with their 2-0 record, and while the opening-day OT win over the Elves was solid, we didn’t really learn much from last week’s domination of the Mathematics, who at this point would be underdogs to a collection of TSP homeless guys, hipster babies, and Mini Schnauzers [Ed: But we’d still win!]. This should be a close one, but it says here that Sky Fighters meal ticket Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cekja puts the team on his back and rights the ship.
Vegas Line: Pick-em
Jesse the Greek says: Sky Fighters by 2
Watchability: 4 tall boys of Olde English 800

Survivor Pool

Adriano Bratta (WTP) – Gouging Anklebiters
Ben Chadwick (HLE) – Happy Little Elves
Jesse Kalb (But) – Tompkins Square Riots
Dan Owens (FG) – Dark Rainbows