Stork Has Finally Passed The Torch

"Danberg" and Welch

Fresh Kills (9-8-0-1) vs. Rehabs (11-5-0-3)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 5-4
Game Notes: Both of these Rubens Division foes enter this tilt playing some of their best hockey of the season.  Fresh Kills has now won its last four games and finally has a record above .500.  The recent surge started with an upset victory over LBS, Inc., when Fresh Kills held the league’s fourth ranked offense to just three goals.  In the three games since, the defense has stiffened up even more, as the team allowed just two goals (including two shutouts).  The Rehabs have won five of their last six games.  It is no coincidence that their recent run of good fortune began when they added free agent Adam Skuse to the team.  He has scored all nine of his goals during this six-game stretch, making him the team leader in goals.  The Rehabs opened their season with a 4-1 win over Fresh Kills, a feat they will look to duplicate as the season winds down.
Keys To The Game:
1. Dave Sokolyansky leads Fresh Kills with 12 goals.  His brother, Mike, is also on the team and has assisted on all of Dave’s goals.  However, he has repeatedly declined to be recognized, due to his modest nature and acute shyness.
2. During one of Alex “Villano VI” Zabala’s two goals last week, Rehab defender Stacy Kehoe ran to congratulate her teammate but tripped over a crack in the Tompkins pavement.  This instantly elevated the celebration to the status of “saddest ever in BTSH.”
3. Rehab forward Rob Blandi has scored six goals in the team’s last six games.  Interestingly, the only time he did not score during this stretch was in their one loss.
Eli’s Pick: Rehabs.  A win will be a nice belated birthday present for captain Meredith “Danberg” Ficarelli.
Derek’s Pick: Rehabs.  Another big game for Skuse will lead the team to victory.
Watchability: 4.5 Lessers

Tuques (6-12-0-1) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (13-5-1)
Guest Columnist: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala (Rehabs)
Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 5-1
Game Notes: Both teams come in after a loss, so this is a game of simple mathematics (no pun in tended): higher seeded team wins. No top dog likes a losing streak.
Alex’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous. Filthy will tickle the twine with authority for the win at the Tuques’ expense.
Watchability: 3 Lessers. A couple of trips to the woodshed never hurt anybody, provided Kanye West doesn’t interrupt. If you enjoy a spirited massacre, stick around.

Mighty Squirrels (6-12-1) vs. Mathematics (3-12-1-3)
Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 4-1
Game Notes: Although the Mighty Squirrels and Mathematics have struggled this season, this still promises to be an intense game.  The animosity peaked in 2007 after the notorious “sit-up incident”, but continues to linger to this date.
Watchability: 2.5 Lessers.  Even Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene will be watching a different game (Jets-Titans).

Mexican Standoff (4-14-0-1) vs. Sky Fighters (12-7)
Guest Columnist: Steve Chernoski (Denim Demons)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 7-1
Game Notes: Both these teams are coming off of big wins and have momentum. The Sky Fighters proved that they belong in the upper echelon of BTSH teams with their victory over Filthy Gorgeous. Meanwhile, Standoff traditionally plays better in September due it being football season and the addition-by-subtraction of Ellery “The Nature Boy”.
Steve’s Pick: Sky Fighters.  If they don’t succumb to “Ocho Cinco” attendance woes, then they should pull this one out, but it will be closer than many think – the colder weather means less pre-game Standoff cervezas.
Watchability: 3 Lessers

Dark Rainbows (12-6-0-1) vs. Mega Touch (5-13-1)
Guest Columnist: Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett (LBS, Inc.)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 7-0
Game Notes: The Dark Rainbows are a team of seasoned veterans who have proven that once autumn has arrived, they shrink the field through aggressive defense, tight forechecking, and clutch goal scoring; last I checked, summer ended last week. On the other hand, Mega Touch is a team of younger players trying to make a name for themselves; a victory against the Dark Rainbows could be the “feather in their cap” that would be the genesis of a strong playoff run (please note the Anklebiters have a patent on this strategy).
Brian’s Keys To The Game
1. Mega Touch needs to shut down Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell, pepper the goalie with shots, and tire Sean Reynolds to exhaustion; if Mega Touch is a religious team, a few prayers to the big Kahuna wouldn’t hurt.
2. Looks like we’ve have some rain scheduled, so bring your umbrellas. With the upcoming Jets and Giants game on at 1pm (both 2-0 with Super Bowl aspirations), coupled with the inclement weather, attendance may be critical. The betting line of this game will change based on the duration of rain.
3. Sean Reynolds has had to play lights out defense all season due to the inconsistency in goal (rumors of goalie change are ubiquitous among the Pink People Eaters); there is some talk in the esoteric higher echelons of BTSH that he should be awarded a trophy comparable to the Norris Trophy (please note since Bob W is not a defenseman, it will not be the W Trophy).
Brian’s Pick: Dark Rainbows. I choose the colorful team.  As former champions, they know this is the stretch run, and it’s time to tighten up their play to improve their playoff seeding.
Watchability: 1.5 Lessers

Denim Demons (12-1-2-3) vs. Unicorns (10-9)
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer (Happy Little Elves)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 5-4-2
Game Notes: The Demons are coming off one of the best wins of the year in BTSH, a thorough 6-4 whipping of WTP. The Unicorns, on the other hand, got whopped by LBS, Inc. The Unicorns are probably one of the biggest Jekyll and Hyde teams and can beat or lose to anyone. I sense a little let down by the team in red and a spirited game by the Unicorns.
Rich’s Pick: Unicorns. I’m guessing a surprising 3-2 win by the Unicorns, where Unicorn forward Suz does not score, but is in fact on the court for both Demon goals!
Watchability: This will be a good one, 4 Lessers.

Happy Little Elves (8-10-1) vs. What The Puck (15-4)
Guest Columnist: Will Kuhns (Cobra Kai)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 1-0
Game Notes: What The Puck happened last week? The Oranjeboom will seek to restore justice and normalcy to their world. That prospect would be enough to make most teams cower into a “surround our crease” defense, but not the Elves. Those happy little buggers tried that strategy last week against the Hookers and got shut out. So they’re gonna throw caution to the wind, roll the dice, go out on a limb, damn the torpedoes and let it all hang out.
Will’s Pick: Happy Little Elves. Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta will be off his game, pondering the ethics of tearing into a can of donated turkey gravy and distracted by several anklebiting hotties on the other court.
Watchability: 2-4 Lessers (depending on one’s stomach for the Elves’ strategy)

Gouging Anklebiters (8-10-1) vs. LBS, Inc. (13-4-0-1)
Guest Columnist: John Meyer (Dark Rainbows)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-1
Game Notes: At first glance, one would say that LBS, Inc. has this game. But wait, let’s take a closer look, shall we? It was only two weeks ago that Seth Wachtell and the Dynamic Duo (Karsten Pichon and “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin) showed the league that they can indeed lose too…to Cobra Kai, no less. As for the GABs, ask anyone, when they’re on (i.e. when Phil curtails the team’s pre-game drinking, and Amy doesn’t have to play the whole game because Naomi is moving or on vacation or baking cookies), they can hang with anyone.
John’s Pick: I’m calling this an upset, GABs take it.
Watchability: 4.67 Lessers

Corlears Hookers (13-3-1-1) vs. Cobra Kai (4-12-1-2)
Guest Columnist: Dave Gil de Rubio (Fresh Kills)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-0
Game Notes: Coming off a 3-0 blanking of The Happy Little Elves and with three points separating the top 5 teams in BTSH, the Corlears Hookers should come out with shots a blazing. Suffice it to say, the Hookers will continue their all-time dominance over 16th place Cobra Kai.
Dave’s Pick: Corlears Hookers
Watchability: 2 Lessers

Fresh Kills (9-8-0-1) vs. Denim Demons (12-1-2-3)
Guest Columnist: Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato (Gouging Anklebiters)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 5-4
Game Notes: The date was August 2, 2009. Feeds from Twitter started coming down regarding which captains have conceded to the weather. The stage was set for the first real test of a captain’s meeting ruling earlier in the year and prior to the 2009 season. One faction brutally and mercilessly debated the authenticity of and questioned the intentions of teams who opted for safety, well-being, and overall longetivity of their roster, by choosing not to play in the rain. Unofficial reports indicate an excess of $867,000 of the league’s $1.2 million budget were spent on educational and promotional activity centered around the issue who many deem “completely without resolution”.
“Well we’re here,” stated one Demon on the condition of anonymity, and who exactly did Abby think she was when referring to the defending BTSH champions Fresh Kills as soft and hapless playboys? Sure, there were reports of Kevin “The Planet” Foster’s provisions for separate road accomodations in his new contract. Sure, there were reports of Demons’ captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens’ unauthorized tresspass about an empty court that very morning. However, none of these reports could be either confirmed or denied.
Nestor’s Pick: Fresh Kills. The players are not happy with their storied 2008 playoff run taking a backseat in the media to an ongoing three month Denim smear campaign, which team spokesman and league head Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg claims as “totally without merit”. Weyersberg goes on to mention the strength or lack thereof of the Denom Demins 2009 schedule as a major attribute to their success to date this year. The Demons, on the other hand, are in danger of losing their BTSH affiliation. If they cannot secure a buyer by the first of November, they are in danger of defaulting over to the Red Mofo team.
Watchability: 4 Lessers. A closed door, director level meeting this past Monday finally commissioned this game for play. There were concerns of the possibility that this grudge match would get out of hand and be “unrepresentative of BTSH as an organization and contributor to the community”. As a result, an agreement was made to assign a third referee. There will be no use of video replay, as this option is unavailable to other teams competing this week. A $5,000 fine has been assessed to Meisterman for her comments, but she has been cleared for play. Caroline Currie has been suspended for this contest due to unsportsmanlike conduct for her actions during the Gouging Anklebiters game, even though no penalty was called at the time. Official Patrick “Sven” Larsen has been relegated to administrative duties while the investigation is underway.

Media Records:
Eli: 85-48
Derek: 83-50

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11 Responses to Week 21 Preview

  1. HockeyRich says:

    No game notes on the Elves means no comments (besides this one by the league). Not a Hockey Rich boycott…a BTSH boycott!! And I said Chadwicks not Lessers.

  2. Hobo says:

    I’m wondering what else we have to prove after beating WTP? Do the writers now realize they have doubly motivated us by picking against us (twice)? Does the league also realize that in our quest to prove these hacks wrong that it will also give us 1st place?

    Meredith is that my turkey sandwich?

  3. DeweyDecimator says:

    In regards to Nestor: tl;dr.

  4. legendkiller says:

    I like Nestor’s… enthusiasm? Is that what that is?

  5. benwick666 says:

    Can somebody please summarize all this viscous prose?

  6. stacyrehabs says:

    Nice try, Derek. Your all-star game, post-goal fence jumping continues to be the saddest celebration in BTSH history. When I high-five my team they high-five back, even if I embarrass myself getting there.

  7. HockeyRich says:

    My pick against you guys was in part BECAUSE you beat WTP. I think the Unicorns are sorta Elv-like, they play up to their competition when need be. So I expect an excellent game (which I later found out I’m reffing)but I think they will be fired up and there is no way you guys will be close to as fired up as you were against WTP. No matter what this hack/ref writes.

    And even though I’m the Survivor Pool Champ, I’m 0-1 in predictions here as I predicted the Rehabs to beat the Sky Fighters but they lost.

  8. joetinky says:

    Ok, now that HockeyRich has confessed his unwitting conflict of interest (the Unicorn/Demon game will be reffed by the MEDIA that also happened to pick against the Demons— digressing, what does the MEDIA have against the Demons lately besides the fact that they are methodically shooting holes in the MEDIA’s W/L record—), I suggest the Demons declare that win or lose they play the game under protest. UNLESS, of course, you let Adam (who, as I understand it, is a certified ref) make every other call in the game from the court (sort of like high school tennis players call their own games). I’m sure Adam will be every bit as objective as the MEDIA. A fair, but admittedly complicated, solution– no?

  9. legendkiller says:

    Great idea. I’m totally certified.

  10. DeweyDecimator says:

    Certified? Yes. Certifiable? Most definitely!

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