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Week 2 Previews – Part 2

Poutine Machine at Filthier

by Tracy Demon

First and foremost, I’d like to thank Poutine for managing to eke out an OT win against What the Puck in the season opener last week, thereby keeping my BTSH Survivor Pool dreams alive. Jo and co., I believed in you and you didn’t let me down. That said, Filthier is such a well-oiled machine that even in the absence of a rain-slicked court, the Pou is going to have a tougher time slip-sliding to victory. Please don’t try to unpack that tortured metaphor.

Prediction: Poutine will bring their usual scrap and speed, but Filthier gets the regulation win, 4-2.

Fresh Kills at Gremlins

by Grande Huevos

Ariel, Sheena, Gabe and The Kills kick off their 2019 campaign against a wily Gremlins team. A warm up to their greatly anticipated clash with the Rehabs that goes down later in the day (more on that later). The big question heading into this season is will Natasha make her return?  For their sake I sure hope so.

The Gremmies have never, ever beaten Fresh Kills in the regular season or playoffs.  The closest they came was in 2016 when they were trounced by a margin of only 2 goals.  Since then, they have acquired offensive firepower: more wine and lots and lots of tacos.

Prediction:the Gremlins give the Fresh Kills more than just a good scare as they hand them an opening season loss, 4-3.

Rehabs at Instant Karma

by Grande Huevos

Last Sunday’s game for the Rehabs was canceled due to the weather.  (Yeah, right) More like under the weather.  Sources say that Sena, the Habs blueline devastator, was out waypast curfew getting turned up with Carlin and their best mates.  Perhaps they follow it up this Sunday with a liquid brunch.

If Joey shows up for the game then all bets are off.

The scoring bug seems to have bitten Karma early this season as they opened 2019 laying a goose egg against a division foe.  This Sunday’s challenger doesn’t get any easier as the monstrous and well-balance Habbies come to town.  Rumor has it that Karma is working on a secret game plan that heavily involves Big Al and the Trembles.

Prediction:this week’s favorite Survivor pick, the Rehabs, put a cold sweat across the collective brow of league degenerates as they allow Karma to force OT.  But in the final minute May gets the biscuit.

Hockey Night in Tompkins edition

Gouging Anklebiters (2019: 1-0-0-0; 2018: 10-8) at Mega Touch (2019: 0-0-0-1; 2018: 7-10-0-1)

17:00 (that’s 5:00pm for you non-European snobs), East Court

by Hornswoggle

Both sides revved up their engines at the season’s outset, albeit in different degrees of comfort. “Gank”—and we would’ve thought just Probie but it was actually Chris and Bubblebath this time—showed up to play right after the opening faceoff, and Touch had to take it through multiple entertaining shootout rounds, though concluding the match tragically despite Julie’s smooth mitts in one of the rounds.

The visitors (Gank) offer quality firepower: frontman Facebreaker finagled a few goals short of the league’s Pichichi—the 2018 statistics listed Sultan with 71 goals wtf—but surprisingly the aforementioned Chris is the squad’s leading scorer after W1, so Julie will have call on her defense to focus on multiple threats to their line. As always on the other end, Bubblebath has been reliable not only with his goaltending, but also with Photoshopping Rich in compromising positions (methinks some of which would prevent Rich himself from obtaining homeownership if shown to realtors). Leadership and chemistry aren’t problems as well, as half the team’s players have each more than 5 years under their belts.

The hosts are well-prepared as well, with Julie having boasted about keeping Mega’s male roster and even bolstering its female roster during the offseason. Most surprising in 2018 was Alok’s ascendance to second in the squad’s scoring output: not known for his pace, he has sure turned out to be a poacher of sorts, and I’ve said this time and again, he’s basically the BTSH Romelu Lukaku—he’s got a nose for the net along with a smidge of physicality. Alongside Lops, Alex E.M., and their leading scorer Jeff B., Alok will hope to replicate another productive season or even eclipse his personal best. Only time will tell.

Prediction: On paper, this game looks already decided. If looking at the 2018 player stats, Probie’s 19 goals nearly equaled Mega’s bottom 9 scorers (20), and that’s quite staggering. But if you’re a Mega Touch player, you won’t be triggered by that stat because last week you and your comrades took a vastly improved side in the Rainbows all the way past overtime. It’s an intangible that is corralled by the willingness to continue to fight (also electrolytes and whatnot, because science*).

Although Gank will triumph… it will have been a severe battle and not the blowout that was last week.

*Walker hates the “because [noun]” construction; we journalists just love grinding his gears.

Sky Fighters at LBS, Inc.

by Rich

The Sky Fighters remind me of this scene from Frozen (Spoiler Alert, it’s really graphic). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99MrF0oM0Fk This really good dude is being eaten alive by wolves. Mike T., Vlad, Sweet Baby James, two of SBJ’s friends, Carlin all being poached by asshole teams like Poutine, the Rehabs and one heroic team Fuzz. The good news is they got this guy Jake who is just right. Good enough to help the Sky Fighters but not good enough to get poached by a contender.

But it’s not like they can’t beat the Lbs. By now Alex has drafted an email longer than the one Hogg just sent the referees. Boylan if you’re reading this please forward it to me so I can mock Alex.

Prediction: More spoilers. At the end of one of the greatest movies of all time, The Count of Monte Cristo, the evil guy tells the hero, “You’ve learned to fight.” Well the Lbs. got some very talented girls on their roster, including Hill-Dawg. Greg and Caroline are good competitors and I expect the Lbs. to have attendance issues the whole year. 5-1 Lbs.

Rehabs at Fresh Kills

by Rich

I wish I was as delusional as a Fresh Kills player. They claim to have a dynasty even though they never won more than 1 championship in 3-years, let alone back-to-back, which literally is a prerequisite for a dynasty. They also claim to have went undefeated in 2017,  (in large part thanks to Isaac feeding them these lies) even though Annimal and her Filthier squad defeated them in the regular season.

Over on the Rehabs, they added Carlin which is an amazing addition, because she’s not only really good at hockey but also at giving headlocks to unsuspecting men. Speaking of how awful the Rehabs are, you know BTSH is supposed to be this loving and accepting community, but if you’re a CIS Women or a gay man, the Rehabs want nothing to do with you. As one of their players who I won’t name bragged, “Not one of our players like dick. Oh, and I’m also going to bench 350 pounds on the day I get married. To Sarah. Herr. I’m getting married to Sarah Herr and benching 350 pounds. Hero.”

Prediction: I feel 8 out of 20 teams can win the PBR Cup if Sarah T. ever finishes making the new one that Fuzz lost. These two teams are in the top 4. I think the Rehabs will want this particular game more. 2-1 with Cherie and Alex M scoring.

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