Denim Demons at Fresh Kills
By Arya Stark

With Passover just about completed, the Demons are ready to blow the shofar (note to goyim: this does not mean what you probably think it does) and get back to what’s really important in life, which is Sunday ball hockey on a rink with a fence instead of boards, holes in said fence, suicidal squirrels and the trees in the field of play which house said squirrels.  It may not be as spiritually fulfilling as spending the high holy holidays surrounded by family but hey, even god rested on the seventh day and I’m told their pregame snacks and postgame Manischevitz are all K for P (I think even Menachem Begin would approve of that).  They will face the defending champion Fresh Kills who lost to the Rehabs last week and find themselves in the unfamiliar position of not having just thoroughly demoralized their opponents to the point of pants-shitting oblivion.  It was, in fact, their first non-shootout loss since the 2016 semifinals when they were eliminated by the LBS in overtime of a game which was definitely 100% for sure not at all influenced by any missed calls by the referees in any way, shape or form (phantom goal notwithstanding).  Of course, the retirements/deaths of Gabe and Ariel in the offseason haven’t helped, and a few key absences last week were most unwelcome.  No worries; they should be at relatively full strength this weekend as Soko and Sheena have decreed that Barch is not allowed to miss any further games until his next concussion.  The question is, will a well-rested Barchy be enough to stop Brad, his boatsex prowess and his cardboard-cutout wife?

Prediction: The Fresh Kills prove that they are more than capable of having sex on boats as well, leave the condoms at home, and romp to a 4-1 victory.  The Demons don’t care and are blackout drunk by 6:00 regardless.

Cobra Kai at Rehabs
By Richiehero

This week the conferences battle and while there are some potential blowouts on the dock, this isn’t one of them. This will be a great test for the Dojo to see if they can hang with the #1 seed in the Power Rankings.

Despite playing in the 3rd Division, CK has aspirations of hoisting the PBR Cup. The Dojo added talent and leadership when they poached the Canadian Communist Olivier (SUA). (How can anyone poach from Sky? I’d never do that.) They’ve also answered the age-old question what can Brown do for you…as Paul B. netted two goals in the opening contest. With Lauren J. providing the muscle (she does Crossfit!!!!!!), Dani providing the skill and the 3 Rachels providing hustle, loyalty and respect, Cobra Kai will be ready for this game.

But after beating Fresh Kills, the R3H@8$ are going to attempt to send CK back to the minors and shit on their house. (If you’ve seen this move, and are not JW, I would like to marry you.)

Sunday is Wrestlemania and $h0wT!m3 is going to try and squash Nabatz. #MyPhareoux Karen’s kin, Mr. Hicks loves Nabatz, but loves winning more and will play dirty to win. Prove me wrong!

Prediction:  LJ says Russ is the funniest guy in the league, and somewhere Brett H is probably crying, and more importantly hasn’t crossed out Lauren’s name on a list.

As for the game…despite stealing the ROY from #My2017ROYHoggieStyle Campbell won’t be able to steal 2 from the Rehabs. A 3-2 PhareouxDecree.

Filthier at Gremlins
By Arya Stark

Teams named after an obscure early 70s car and a truly bizarre electroclash song (sweet cover art though) face off Sunday afternoon in what some observers are calling the game of the week.  The home crowd at Gremlin Coliseum will be amped up and ready to cheer on their heroes in yellow up until the point where JW starts lecturing them on such vital topics as the gameplay on his Commodore 64 and how capital punishment is warranted for those who believe a hot dog is a sandwich (sorry Chadwick).  They’ll need all the fan support they can get against Filthier, perennial contenders from the first division who, in preparing for this game, took the unprecedented step of adding the opposing goaltender’s girlfriend and immediately naming her captain.  Analysts are calling it the boldest display of mind games in a hockey game since the Avery Rule incident or that time Owen Nolan called his shot on a breakaway in 1997.  Jamie’s laser focus is legendary but under the bright lights of Tompkins and with Danielle all up in his grill, will he get distracted?

Prediction: Gremlins get back on the right track with a hard fought 3-2 victory.  Walker only plays 55% of the game, eats 16 tacos and goes home thoroughly disappointed.

Fuzz versus Mega Touch
By A Young Padawan

As any bright-eyed and [relatively] new BTSHer would do, I did a lot of research before writing this preview.

I learned:

1. The team name Fuzz stems from…nobody knows?

2. The team name Mega Touch is ancient pidgin slang for…“he wear socks, she eat candy”.

3. Glandzier always scores, yet somehow his +/- is still always -2. Can someone do that math for me?

4. Julie will ride into the game on a chariot of bathing suit clad men.

5. Alok was once on an episode of Super Sloppy Double Dare. (He never fully recovered from the traumatic experience.)

6. Alyssa is Rich’s actual daughter. They only recently found this out.

7. There is someone with the REAL name “Mary Mary Megatouch” (?!!)

8. Who is Shelly?

9. Jeff and Alexa met at a midnight screening of On Golden Pond. They were both sobbing uncontrollably when they noticed each other in the theater. (I was as surprised as you are about this one.)

10. Fuzz will be missing Jeff and Paul. Unfortunately, Glandzier will be there.

11. Yuri and Max from Mega are brothers. We at the Media just found this out. (Another BTSH sibling team!)

12. On the Mega side, Matt Jones will be there and word on the street is he does score, again, unlike Rich Glandzier. Apparently, Matt Jones’ +/- is the sum of Rich Glandzier’s +/-, plus 25. If someone could do that math for me as well and send a personal email to Rich Glandzier (RichyGlandzierMinus2@gmail.com) to let him know, that would be much appreciated.

These facts and figures were checked and verified by an old-school BTSH Jedi, therefore, they are all 100% true.

The diligent process for determining our prediction of who will win this game can be viewed here: link

After assessing all the information…Fuzz will win, 2-1.

Instant Karma at LBS, Inc.

By Izzy

In today’s edition of “Water is Indeed Wet”, I share with you sullied masses the most foreseeable win in history: the complete and utter trouncing of LBS by Karma. I am loathe to even waste my time toiling away at this dissertation of the obvious, but I am a man of the people and owe each of you the truth. Just know, that each keystroke is stealing a moment that could be better spent watching paint dry.  But alas, here we all are.

I’d like to think it could have been an even battle of equivalent skills but that would just make you bitterly laugh at the irony of such a sentiment.  A group of ill behaved (yet adorable) three legged dogs might be a closer match to the available opposing talent, however absent of that, we’ll have to make due with the current match-up.  My prediction: Karma 52, LBS Negative Infinity 3.

By Arya Stark

And now, we come to the easiest game to predict of the day.  TSN’s Darren Dreger somewhat controversially proclaimed last week that the LBS are better than most teams in the NHL and they were actually invited to join that league during the offseason but value their sideline shotguns far too much and graciously offered their spot up to a Vegas franchise that, from what I heard, is doing pretty well.  Bolstered by the most impressive collection of warriors since the 300 Spartans at the battle of Thermopylae, the LBS will march into battle on Sunday with the same fervor their goalie brings when he marches into the local brothel.  This totally unbiased reporter sees two goals for Klion, two for Roberts, three for their dashingly handsome captain, five for Karsten and a minimum of nine for ScottyK (OVECHTRICK!).  LBS romp by a final score of 22-0 as their goalie adds an empty netter with 10 seconds remaining (yes, pulling your goalie while down 21 goals is a bold move but we all know Isaac fears nothing except for long email debates with Walker and his browser history being made public, a fear that I’m sure we all share).