Dank Rainbows at Mathematics

Rem’s return to the Rainbows from a one year hiatus provided the boost they needed to get over the Mega hump.  It may not have earned them the Schlitz, but revenge is a dish best served with a side of ‘hey, how’s my Rainbow taste?’

Herr’s ringers had a difficult time acclimating to our asphalt pond last week, but hey, conditions weren’t exactly ideal for the transition.  This Sunday’s forecast is looking promising and so is their matchup.  We like the chances of them having an opportunity to display their talents.

Prediction: Cat adores Math’s ‘blonde’ jerseys and is caught gazing as Jon and Dave easily get the Mathematicians their first W of the season, 5-1.

Tompkins Square Riots at Cobra Kai

by Arya Stark and The Meatbox

Arya: Alright, so it looks like we’ve been tasked with previewing the Riots and Cobra Kai matchup, and since we’re lazy bastards exchanging a series of emails seems like the easiest way to get this done.  So let’s just start with the obvious – do the Riots have any chance of winning?  We all know they pulled that miracle shootout win last year, but could they possibly beat Cobra Kai again, especially since the dojo presumably won’t take them as lightly this time around (unless of course they read this preview).

Meatbox: I would put the odds of them actually cleaning up the court as the cleaning team higher than their odds of winning this game.

Arya: Considering that clearly did not happen last week, is that a zero or are you delving into negative numbers for the Riots game odds?

Meatbox: I feel like it’s fairly low. Possibly even sub-10% chance of winning. They’re absolutely going to be dependent on Dave having one of those classic Gil de Rubio masterpieces.

Meanwhile on the other side, you’ve got a team who, to my knowledge, has always cleaned up when they’ve been the cleaning team. They’re also coming off a close loss to you’re sexy as hell team, so you know they’re eager to right the ship and get back to .500. I’m not 100% sure on this, but I would bet the number of BTSH champions to start the season 0-2 is fairly low. If only we had a certain individual with hockey autism to confirm..

Meatbox: Edit: “your sexy as hell team”

Grammar is next to godliness

Arya: Is there a correlation between btsh wins and following through on being the closing team?  Does the technique of scooping up discarded beer cans and broken sticks prepare one for the gauntlet of the playoffs?  Can we get confirmation on this?

I have no idea what Cobra Kais attendance will be like but I’m pretty sure a certain compulsive showerer will be back from a sex party in Puerto Rico and the dojo can’t wait for him to clean himself and get back on the courts.  It’s tough to judge a team from one game, especially one with massive puddles on the field of play.  There was one slapshot attempt during the game from a puddle where the water actually went further than the ball.  If someone could perfect that shot, watch out.

If we’re so sure that the Riots lack of cleaning prowess is going to impact their on-court play, a better question might be what the spread is for this game.  Cobra Kai -2.5?  Cobra Kai -4?  Cobra Kai by a bakers dozen?

Meatbox: This feels like CK -4 to me. -3 if Campbell for some reason doesn’t shower for success, but the odds of that are probably even lower than the odds of than the odds of Walker not consuming an ungodly amount of tacos during his next victory celebration.

While I have you on the line- is cereal a soup? What if you pour water on it instead of milk (don’t actually do this)?

Arya: As a well-known aficiando of soup, I am horrified at the suggestion.  I feel personally victimized by that email and now almost feel compelled to take the action on Riots (+4).  But considering Cobra Kai will have angry Liam, the return of Campbell from god knows what went down in Puerto Rico, and they have that beautiful technique down from cleaning the courts as a team building exercise with LJ leading the way doing some crossfit shit, I’ll stick with the dojo in what should be a relative blowout.

Consensus: This spread can’t be big enough.  Unless Dave is horsepounding anabolic steroids this week – Cobra Kai (-4).

Denim Demons at Butchers

by Rich

Last week, the showers were golden for the Demons, as Adam is no longer their captain, and therefore couldn’t cancel the game based on his whims. However it is his body his choice, so he chose not to play. That decision spelled doom for Gut Rot as with no weak links, they got bamboozled by the Demons 7-0.

This week the Demons will face a much tougher battle as the Butchers brings knives to their fights. After losing 1-0 in a shootout to the revamped Hookers, they will be extra motivated to put one past whoever the Demons goalie is.

Prediction: Things will be nice when the Demons play their Southeast Division opponents like Gut Rot and the Riots, but when they have to move back up to play in the Southeast Division against teams like the Butchers and Math, they will give those teams a game, but eventually lose. 4-2 Butchers.

Corlears Hookers at Gut Rot

Written by Eve Libertine

Two teams at opposite ends of the competitiveness/serious about hockey scale meet this week. The Hooks walked away with a 1-0 shootout victory on opening day, while Gut Rot……did not win.

But, since when does hockey matter in this league? Besides, this matchup lends itself perfectly to the plot of an 80s movie.

So, who’s who in this thing?

Gut Rot are the clear protagonists, while the Hookers are the school bullies. Diane is the friendly and sweet girl next door type who somehow got stuck being in charge of this group of unruly but loveable misfits. Tiff and Sarah are like Heather Chandler and Heather Duke, but better at hockey. (Mike) Gilligan is the cranky old janitor. (Larry) Gilligan is the cool principal who is friends with all the kids. Noelle is the actress who went on to bigger and better things and as such does not appear in this film. (We miss ya, kid.) Danilo is the good-looking jock guy all the girls swoon over, but he is actually nice. Akhil is the smart-but-cool nerd. Peaches and Perko are the school’s dealers. (Who else is still on the Hookers? Someone help me out here…)  Oh…..Jackie. She is the nice one who tries to deter the bullies from picking on everyone, in the end credits it’s revealed that she goes on to become very successful (probably by inventing Reebok Pumps or snap bracelets or something like that). JSB is the guy who moved away at the end of last school year but everyone still talks about him. Dustin is the guy who is constantly worried about fucking up his scholarship to State next year so he stays out of his buddies’ nonsense. Morgen and Kellie date college guys – definitely. (Is Longwell still on the Hookers? If so, he is obviously the cookie cutter burnout.) Gut Rot’s new goalie Sam is the classic wacky neighbor.

By the way, can someone actually make this movie, with this cast? Now I really want to see it.

Prediction: Unlike in an 80s movie, evil prevails here, as the Hooks take this one 5-2. Becca scores 1, which is the only thing that gets her to finally stop talking about her first Gut Rot goal.

What The Puck at Fuzz

by Jess

Despite leveling up a division and adding some new talent, the Pucks fell short last week to Poutine in a high scoring match. Pair this with Fuzz’s tight win over Filthier and we’ve got ourselves a game.

The Pucks have proved themselves to be a scrappy and efficient team who may surprise you with their ability for everyone to score. Their male and female rookies are already making an impact; Henry- new dude with flow who rocks a 1970’s style sweatband- scored the first goal of the BTSH season last weekend. But let’s not forget about John C, who, aside from being a consistent scoring force for WTP also “has a way higher ceiling than Russell, and is much better looking” (no offense, Russ). Another edge Pucks will have in this game is that as a whole they seem to keep calm (yes, even Hogg as of late) and have fun- a puzzling juxtaposition to Fuzz.

Fuzz may have lost Alyssa to part time playing but added two new girls- Shannon and Andrea- to their lineup who are both quite good because “Jeff and I wouldn’t add anyone not good” according to Glanzer. Speaking of quite good females, this season marks the first time Ryann has stayed on a team for 3 consecutive seasons. Maybe it’s the cutoffs, maybe it’s the championship win, maybe Glanzer is paying her off on the side but one thing’s for sure, Fuzz has a solid veteran lineup that makes them a well oiled goal-scoring machine.

Prediction: With talented rookies and both teams not afraid to play tough I’m calling it 3-3 with Fuzz winning in OT and Walsh walking away with the storage locker key.