Will There Be A  Lockout?

As the BTSH collective bargaining agreement between team owners and players nears its expiration date, pundits have begun to talk seriously about a potential work stoppage.

Before signing a new agreement, team owners are pushing for four major changes. First, they want to extend the BTSH regular season by an additional two games. In exchange, pre-season scrimmages would be eliminated. Second, they would like a rookie wage scale. This would basically be known as the “Nick Hobbs Provision,” as Fresh Kills was forced to sign Hobbs to one of BTSH’s most lucrative contracts before he even played a game. As a result, his compensation has crippled their salary cap maneuverability for several seasons.  Third, the owners demand a greater share of all league revenue. Tensions on this matter intensified when league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta arrived at Tompkins Square Park in Week 1 driving his new Maserati. Fourth, owners would like to repeal players’ bonuses for breaches of contracts. This issue came up recently after noted Mathematics defender Justin “Ballard” Perras missed his team’s game last week, which violated the terms of his contract.

The players, however, are generally happy with the current agreement and don’t see the need for any changes. They are against adding additional games, as any extra weeks would most likely be scheduled during the month of August, when temperatures regularly push 90 degrees. Dark Rainbows player representative and goalie John Meyer notes, “I can’t wear my goalie gear in such intense heat. It’s brutal.  Those conditions aren’t safe!” In addition, the players feel that owners are already getting enough revenue through the league’s multiple broadcasting contracts. Mike Haas from Poutine Machine explains, “The Hockey Night in Tompkins contract already makes them a ton of money. We get nothing. It’s modern-day slavery, you know?” Finally, the players feel that owners can do more to take care of retired league members. Former Fresh Kills co-captain and current Riots representative Amy Jones comments, “‘Hollywood’ Jeff Lesser was once the quickest, most exciting player in the league. Now, he can’t stand up without aid. Do the owners care? Not at all.”

Interestingly, there is a small movement led by Rich Glanzer and comprised entirely of Happy Little Elves to delay contract negotiations to the point of canceling the 2011 season, including the playoffs. Glanzer is operating under the misguided impression that should the season be canceled, the 2011 championship would be awarded to the previous season’s champion, which happens to be the Happy Little Elves.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri, La Famiglia.  Ventolieri scored his first goal since Week 5 of the 2008 season, a gap of 1,060 days.  Although we cannot verify it, this span most likely represents the record for longest time period between goals in BTSH.
Second Star: Corey “Chongo” Winters, What The Puck.  With his team’s first (Anthony Romeo), second (Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz), and third (everyone else on the team) string goalies all unable to play, Winters stepped up as WTP’s emergency keeper to record the win against Gut Rot.  He allowed only two goals, bringing his career goals against average down to 4.00.
First Star: Ali Corsi, Mathematics.  Corsi scored twice in the first 10 minutes of the Mathematics’ 4-1 win against the Butchers.  Her goals set the tone for the entire game, allowing Math to win its first game of the season.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Tompkins Square Riots)
Goals Allowed Previously: 3
Games Played: 2
Goals Against Average: 3.50
Next Opponent: What The Puck (3.00 goals per game)

Despite recording the win for the Elves, deLacy allowed four goals to the previously goalless Tompkins Square Riots.  This week, he faces the traditionally high-powered offense of What The Puck.  Although WTP hasn’t posted overwhelming numbers as of yet this season, the team has the talent and depth to erupt in any given game.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Shaun deLacy
Team: Happy Little Elves
Suggested Nickname: Sieve
Rejected Nicknames: Wickets, Five Hole, Red Light, Swiss Cheese
Origin: Mount Laurel Township, NJ
College: Columbia University
Quote: “Not to brag, but…”
First Job: Circus barker
Current Job: Physicist
Early Accomplishments: Hitting his first home run in the Mount Laurel little league’s 1994 championship game, despite having six passed balls as his team’s catcher
Current Accomplishments: Getting ejected from a Zog Sports indoor floor hockey game
Hero: Shaun deLacy
Reason to Love Him: Ask him, and he’ll tell you
Reason to Hate Him: He exhibits all of the characteristics of the quintessential Philadelphia sports fan
Best Known For: Actually paying attention during the 2010 playoffs and helping the Elves win their championship
Fast Fact: While at Columbia, Shaun filled the role of the school’s mascot, Roar-ee the Lion
Favorite Things: Phish, Philadelphia Flyers, Wawa, himself
Favorite Tastykake: Butterscotch Krimpets
Least Favorite Things: Dallas Cowboys, Santa Claus, referees, Rich Glanzer
Hockey Comparison: Ron Hextall
Non-Hockey Comparison: Freddie “FredEx” Mitchell
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He bet us he’d finish with a goals against average under 2.5.
Down the Road: Shaun finishes the 2011 regular season with a 3.39 GAA.  As a result, he loses bets with both Rich Glanzer and the media for allowing more than 2 and 2.5 goals per game, respectively.  However, he wins one bet against Glanzer for finishing with a higher GAA than Glanzer has goals (which is two).

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6 Responses to Week 2 News and Notes

  1. Ballard! says:

    To be fair, my bonus is currently paid in “Eli Bucks,” which are only considered legal tender by Mike Smith and only redeemable for Mike Smith Hugs. I might be missing more games.

  2. derek says:

    Those Hugs are the only thing keeping our goalie on the team.

  3. HockeyRich says:

    1) Mike Smith was mentioned. Not by the media, but by a commenter. Media boycott on, so there wont be a two-four, even though I have more points to make.

    2) This was the funniest post ever…great job. I love the Shaun hero as himself.

    3) I never made a bet with my goals vs. his GAA. I’m not sure where that came from. But I will score 4-6 goals this season.

    4) If there is a lockout, the Elves will party like its Oct. 31, 2010.

  4. shaunaldinho says:

    I’d probably be insulted by this week’s player profile of yours truly…if it weren’t accurate to the letter.

  5. gdad41 says:

    Having some historical background on this person interviewed, Fact checking certainly seems to be lacking as I clearly believe Shaun’s Hero is actually his Dad.

  6. shaunaldinho says:

    I don’t know whether to be happy or terrified that my dad has a wordpress account…

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